Reply to DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We agreed on two kids when we got married. He wanted 1, I wanted 3, we discussed it a lot and compromised. We were both agreed on waiting to have kid #2. So, she was born when Kid #1 was already 5.

At first, it was the height of covid, no school, no childcare, so my husband’s misery seemed understandable. But here we are two years later and he hates being a dad of two.

Weekdays, he sees them two hours. Complains because they’re very loud, especially the toddler, and he wants to talk to me but can’t have an adult conversation. Weekends, it’s even worse because we have at least one of them at any given time. After bedtime, he’s upset that he’s too exhausted to do anything. If we do stuff with other families, he’s upset that we can’t relax and talk to our friends because we keep getting interrupted by their kids or ours.

He wistfully talks about lucky friends with just one kid, counts down the days until the youngest turns 5 and becomes easier, and is just overall unhappy.

We do date nights and he enjoys those, but goes back to being sad within a day or two. Once my grandparents took the kids for the weekend and he was literally glowing, but it was too hard for them to manage 2, so that’s not happening again. There are no other people to take them and we can’t afford a sitter for more than just the occasional Friday evening.

It’s important to note my DH  has always been a very positive and reasonable person, we’ve gotten through big challenges together, but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it.

I struggle with it too. I also don’t like loud noises and would prefer more adult time and find it hard to fit in both work and kids. But I can handle it and stay positive, because for me it’s worth it… at least until his constant negativity brings me down. He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.

What can I do?[/quote]

OP, would he be willing to talk to a counselor with you?  He needs to think about how his behavior is going to affect his children.  If he loves them, he needs to grow up and figure out how to get through this rough time without sacrificing their emotional health.   Period.  They will know how he feels.

It bothers me tremendously to see so many responses to you about how *you* have to do *more* to make up for his inadequacies as a parent, BUT the truth is that you probably do for the sake of your kids.  But in the meantime, couples therapy would be optimal for you to both hash things out with an independent person.  If he won't do that, just a therapist for you to vent to and develop coping strategies with would be a good idea.  Your resentment towards him will only grow if this goes on and that is a marriage killer.[/quote]

I can’t stand these suggestions about therapy.  Will therapy get my children to stop screaming?  Will the counselor pack their suitcases before vacation?  Will the counselor write down the instructions for the babysitter?  Will the counselor tend to my child in the middle of the night?  There is nothing that TALKING will do to actually decrease the amount of work necessary to properly raise children.  I’d argue therapy would even make my situation worse.  It would mean I’d have one more child related responsibility each week!!![/quote]

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