Girlfriend is messy - moved in 3 months ago

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I have been living together for almost 3 months. It’s going well except she is more messy than I am. Unlike most men, I’m very neat and like to keep things clean. I hate clutter. I rinse + put dishes in dishwasher right away - gf will put in sink or just leave on kitchen counter until end of day, I will do laundry & fold + put away right away - gf throws her stuff everywhere and never seems to fold or put away. I put things back - gf leaves the bathroom counter a mess with all of her products. I clean the fridge every week before grocery shopping - gf never does it until after or checks that we’re out of something until after. I do a reset every night - dishes put away + run dishwasher, fold blanket, wipe down counters - gf had left it messy many times one the nights she stay up later than I do. I know this is very insignificant and doesn’t really matter, but is it annoying habit she has. I just need to vent my frustrations to someone who hopefully gets it.

I don't see anything wrong with keeping dishes in the sink until the end of the day, and then loading them in the dishwasher. As long as it's not overnight, it won't cause pest issue. Folding blankets is also over the top, people just cover the beds with blankets and coverlets. What is even "folding" the blankets?

Throw blankets. Like for the couch/living room. Thought that was obvious.

Why do you need to have so many throw blankets in the living room on couches, and then fold them every day? Isnt it cleaner/easier to have leather furniture that doesn't accumulate dust and not use throw blankets?

OP here. We have two because we sometimes get cold. Who doesn’t have blankets to use in the living room when it’s cold?

It’s the middle of June. Do you live in the Southern Hemisphere?

He probably keeps the house at 68F all day long and 67F at night. Uses blankets to stay warm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I have been living together for almost 3 months. It’s going well except she is more messy than I am. Unlike most men, I’m very neat and like to keep things clean. I hate clutter. I rinse + put dishes in dishwasher right away - gf will put in sink or just leave on kitchen counter until end of day, I will do laundry & fold + put away right away - gf throws her stuff everywhere and never seems to fold or put away. I put things back - gf leaves the bathroom counter a mess with all of her products. I clean the fridge every week before grocery shopping - gf never does it until after or checks that we’re out of something until after. I do a reset every night - dishes put away + run dishwasher, fold blanket, wipe down counters - gf had left it messy many times one the nights she stay up later than I do. I know this is very insignificant and doesn’t really matter, but is it annoying habit she has. I just need to vent my frustrations to someone who hopefully gets it.

I don't see anything wrong with keeping dishes in the sink until the end of the day, and then loading them in the dishwasher. As long as it's not overnight, it won't cause pest issue. Folding blankets is also over the top, people just cover the beds with blankets and coverlets. What is even "folding" the blankets?

Throw blankets. Like for the couch/living room. Thought that was obvious.

Why do you need to have so many throw blankets in the living room on couches, and then fold them every day? Isnt it cleaner/easier to have leather furniture that doesn't accumulate dust and not use throw blankets?

OP here. We have two because we sometimes get cold. Who doesn’t have blankets to use in the living room when it’s cold?

It’s the middle of June. Do you live in the Southern Hemisphere?

I love blankets on the couch year round! I keep the thermostat at 72 or 73 but when I’m just sitting on the couch I get a little chilly and a blanket is so cozy.

But I don’t fold them, ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Messy girls make the best lovers. True or not true?

Gag! Even if that were true, you’d still have to put up with bad hygiene/odor. A deal breaker.

Messy isn't the same as dirty. It means untidy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see how laundry strewn about everywhere is annoying, but a weekly fridge clean… not really a reasonable expectation. You are gonna have to compromise on some stuff - that’s what living together is about. Everything won’t be your way anymore.

Not only is it not a reasonable expectation, if he's already doing it why does he care that she isn't? Does he want it cleaned twice a week? He says he does it before he goes shopping, but she doesn't do it, or doesn't do it until she comes back from shopping. Are they shopping separately even though they live together? Or does he want her to take over the shopping and fridge cleaning, and clean the fridge before the shopping trip in the same way he would, because that's the "right" way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, to summarize the recommendations:

1.you both need to find a middle ground/possibly do couple therapy. There are some unreasonable expectations on your part and some unreasonable messiness on her end
2. work on organizing solutions for her that allow her to see things outside closets and readily accessible
3. have cleaning lady come more often and ask her to fold stuff.
4. consider a larger apartment 2br/2baths so that each of you could have own space

Good list and seems doable.

Are you familiar with what the basic Executive Functioning skills or deficiencies are in people?
I was not and married someone untidy and “spontaneous,” plus brilliant at their job and we’ll educated.
Turns out untidy was the tip off the iceberg in what overwhelmed them up on the homefront and organizational front. With our two jobs, two kids, large house, yard, vehicles, Nannie and 4 schedules to manage it is CHAOS if processes, decisions and even execution is left with the person with exec functioning difficulties.

So if she’s not ALSO losing things, making shoddy unplanned “plans,” non responsive to texts or emails frequently, forgetting convos and mutual decisions made, or never suggesting things to do (that actually make sense) and a way to do them (ie planning skills, not dump on you some high level idea), then you’re ok and all you have to tackle is improving storage, tidiness stuff.

Ideas without action is nothing. Avoid those people as life partners. They might be fun friends or kidless partners, but won’t contribute to much else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You clean out the fridge every week before you go shopping? It sounds like both of you can move a bit towards each other.

OP here. Yes. I thought that was very normal? My mom and dad did it growing up. How else do you know what you need to get?

You visually scan the contents of the pantry and frig and then make a list.

Clean out implies taking all the food out, washing the shelves and walls of fridge. Yes, reviewing the fridge and contents ... cleaning up any spills that were missed ... and tossing old food before a new shop is normal. But cleaning the fridge every week is a lot of work.

The way my kids dump stuff in the fridge and smells emerge…. Lysol wipe a week it is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I have been living together for almost 3 months. It’s going well except she is more messy than I am. Unlike most men, I’m very neat and like to keep things clean. I hate clutter. I rinse + put dishes in dishwasher right away - gf will put in sink or just leave on kitchen counter until end of day, I will do laundry & fold + put away right away - gf throws her stuff everywhere and never seems to fold or put away. I put things back - gf leaves the bathroom counter a mess with all of her products. I clean the fridge every week before grocery shopping - gf never does it until after or checks that we’re out of something until after. I do a reset every night - dishes put away + run dishwasher, fold blanket, wipe down counters - gf had left it messy many times one the nights she stay up later than I do. I know this is very insignificant and doesn’t really matter, but is it annoying habit she has. I just need to vent my frustrations to someone who hopefully gets it.

I don't see anything wrong with keeping dishes in the sink until the end of the day, and then loading them in the dishwasher. As long as it's not overnight, it won't cause pest issue. Folding blankets is also over the top, people just cover the beds with blankets and coverlets. What is even "folding" the blankets?

Throw blankets. Like for the couch/living room. Thought that was obvious.

Why do you need to have so many throw blankets in the living room on couches, and then fold them every day? Isnt it cleaner/easier to have leather furniture that doesn't accumulate dust and not use throw blankets?

OP here. We have two because we sometimes get cold. Who doesn’t have blankets to use in the living room when it’s cold?

It’s the middle of June. Do you live in the Southern Hemisphere?

I love blankets on the couch year round! I keep the thermostat at 72 or 73 but when I’m just sitting on the couch I get a little chilly and a blanket is so cozy.

But I don’t fold them, ha.

We keep blankets there because my internal temp is different than my husbands. And yes, we fold them. Sometimes. That's the goal anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have what is called obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Read up on it.

Yes, my exH was like that. he would storm from a ticking clock on the wall or a water dripping from the faucet (not my faults at all). Also he was lining objects perfectly in line, placing paintings of same painter on walls etc. He cheated on me eventually, and she's way more messy than me so I keep thinking how they will get along. He didn't even open the pool for 2 years in a row since divorce in his house, as I was the one taking care of the pool and he never noticed. I was cleaning it daily (as ordered by him) from leaves. I had no more time to wash and fold his laundry every day. He was impossible to live with, extremely demanding and it cost me my career to take care of all his obsessive needs. Our son is autistic.

I now live separately from him, and my house is neat but I am not obsessed with cleaning every day. I could leave a few dishes in a sink and then load dishwasher overnight; I don't vacuum daily and clean counters when there is food on them, not otherwise. Few people have time for multiple tiny things that OP is talking about.

OP I hope your girlfriend runs as fast as she can from you because your habits are not standard.

I was the PP who suggested OCPD. My own DH has banned me from making tofu at home because I was making such a mess and "don't clean up as I go". While it's easy to point fingers at him, I have my own OCPD traits as well e.g. not allowing DH to have a pet because I don't want to ever have to clean up after it, not allowing shoes in the house, getting annoyed that the laundromat stuck safety pins through my work dresses and now there are holes through the fabric etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have what is called obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Read up on it.

Yes, my exH was like that. he would storm from a ticking clock on the wall or a water dripping from the faucet (not my faults at all). Also he was lining objects perfectly in line, placing paintings of same painter on walls etc. He cheated on me eventually, and she's way more messy than me so I keep thinking how they will get along. He didn't even open the pool for 2 years in a row since divorce in his house, as I was the one taking care of the pool and he never noticed. I was cleaning it daily (as ordered by him) from leaves. I had no more time to wash and fold his laundry every day. He was impossible to live with, extremely demanding and it cost me my career to take care of all his obsessive needs. Our son is autistic.

I now live separately from him, and my house is neat but I am not obsessed with cleaning every day. I could leave a few dishes in a sink and then load dishwasher overnight; I don't vacuum daily and clean counters when there is food on them, not otherwise. Few people have time for multiple tiny things that OP is talking about.

OP I hope your girlfriend runs as fast as she can from you because your habits are not standard.

I was the PP who suggested OCPD. My own DH has banned me from making tofu at home because I was making such a mess and "don't clean up as I go". While it's easy to point fingers at him, I have my own OCPD traits as well e.g. not allowing DH to have a pet because I don't want to ever have to clean up after it, not allowing shoes in the house, getting annoyed that the laundromat stuck safety pins through my work dresses and now there are holes through the fabric etc.

My ExH was always nagging me for not cleaning as I go but he himself had a number of extremely annoying or weird habits: taking walks around neighborhood at 11pm before bed; picking dry skin from his ears and digging it from under his nails; making cracking noises with his knuckles; touching his hair excessively or pulling his yet brows. To me this is clearly psycho deviation , and not someone occasionally leaving dishes in the sink

These people are extremely difficult to coexist with: always nit picking on you, not noticing your contributions (he took me cleaning the house and the pool as granted - I even was applying pest control outdoors). He ended up divorced twice abs now dating someone messy again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have what is called obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Read up on it.

Yes, my exH was like that. he would storm from a ticking clock on the wall or a water dripping from the faucet (not my faults at all). Also he was lining objects perfectly in line, placing paintings of same painter on walls etc. He cheated on me eventually, and she's way more messy than me so I keep thinking how they will get along. He didn't even open the pool for 2 years in a row since divorce in his house, as I was the one taking care of the pool and he never noticed. I was cleaning it daily (as ordered by him) from leaves. I had no more time to wash and fold his laundry every day. He was impossible to live with, extremely demanding and it cost me my career to take care of all his obsessive needs. Our son is autistic.

I now live separately from him, and my house is neat but I am not obsessed with cleaning every day. I could leave a few dishes in a sink and then load dishwasher overnight; I don't vacuum daily and clean counters when there is food on them, not otherwise. Few people have time for multiple tiny things that OP is talking about.

OP I hope your girlfriend runs as fast as she can from you because your habits are not standard.

I was the PP who suggested OCPD. My own DH has banned me from making tofu at home because I was making such a mess and "don't clean up as I go". While it's easy to point fingers at him, I have my own OCPD traits as well e.g. not allowing DH to have a pet because I don't want to ever have to clean up after it, not allowing shoes in the house, getting annoyed that the laundromat stuck safety pins through my work dresses and now there are holes through the fabric etc.

My ExH was always nagging me for not cleaning as I go but he himself had a number of extremely annoying or weird habits: taking walks around neighborhood at 11pm before bed; picking dry skin from his ears and digging it from under his nails; making cracking noises with his knuckles; touching his hair excessively or pulling his yet brows. To me this is clearly psycho deviation , and not someone occasionally leaving dishes in the sink

These people are extremely difficult to coexist with: always nit picking on you, not noticing your contributions (he took me cleaning the house and the pool as granted - I even was applying pest control outdoors). He ended up divorced twice abs now dating someone messy again

Your ex does sound difficult! Did he ever get an OCPD diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have what is called obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Read up on it.

Yes, my exH was like that. he would storm from a ticking clock on the wall or a water dripping from the faucet (not my faults at all). Also he was lining objects perfectly in line, placing paintings of same painter on walls etc. He cheated on me eventually, and she's way more messy than me so I keep thinking how they will get along. He didn't even open the pool for 2 years in a row since divorce in his house, as I was the one taking care of the pool and he never noticed. I was cleaning it daily (as ordered by him) from leaves. I had no more time to wash and fold his laundry every day. He was impossible to live with, extremely demanding and it cost me my career to take care of all his obsessive needs. Our son is autistic.

I now live separately from him, and my house is neat but I am not obsessed with cleaning every day. I could leave a few dishes in a sink and then load dishwasher overnight; I don't vacuum daily and clean counters when there is food on them, not otherwise. Few people have time for multiple tiny things that OP is talking about.

OP I hope your girlfriend runs as fast as she can from you because your habits are not standard.

I was the PP who suggested OCPD. My own DH has banned me from making tofu at home because I was making such a mess and "don't clean up as I go". While it's easy to point fingers at him, I have my own OCPD traits as well e.g. not allowing DH to have a pet because I don't want to ever have to clean up after it, not allowing shoes in the house, getting annoyed that the laundromat stuck safety pins through my work dresses and now there are holes through the fabric etc.

My ExH was always nagging me for not cleaning as I go but he himself had a number of extremely annoying or weird habits: taking walks around neighborhood at 11pm before bed; picking dry skin from his ears and digging it from under his nails; making cracking noises with his knuckles; touching his hair excessively or pulling his yet brows. To me this is clearly psycho deviation , and not someone occasionally leaving dishes in the sink

These people are extremely difficult to coexist with: always nit picking on you, not noticing your contributions (he took me cleaning the house and the pool as granted - I even was applying pest control outdoors). He ended up divorced twice abs now dating someone messy again

Your ex does sound difficult! Did he ever get an OCPD diagnosis?

Our family therapist suggested that he had autism spectrum disorder, but exH never wanted to look into it. It was just always my fault. And eventually it all broke up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is more messy than I am. It’s something you learn to deal with when you love someone.

Or you decide it is a dealbreaker and move on.

How did she grow up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put your foot down now. If not, she’ll continue to be messy and ten years from now, you’ll be posting/complaining about your messy wife and you should have put a stop to it ten years ago.

Aww, you’re cute. No adult can “put a stop to” anything another adult does.

Aww, you’re an a$$. Sure they can. Kick the beeyach to the curb.

[Anonymous]

She's not going to change. Personally I don't find anything wrong with your cleaning standards. I grew up mom like your gf and honestly the constant disorder was stressful for me.

Find someone who shares your cleaning habits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are a neat freak, OP. It's ok to be a neat person but what you describe is borderline autistic fixation on things being in order. Almost nobody cleans the fridge before grocery shopping (and what's the point? There are always long lasting things in the fridge, isnt it enough to wipe it once a month? ). Of course laundry needs to be washed and not thrown all over the house. I just accumulate it in one basket for the week and do laundry in one day on weekends. I never wash and fold it right away as it takes a LOT of time

You should work towards finding a middle ground, and it's not just her who needs some work

I
You do know pp that there are messy people with Autism, right? My kid has never had any desire to line up toys or put things in order. So you are making big generalizations based on stereotypes.

Op. Sounds like a deal breaker for you both.