Girlfriend is messy - moved in 3 months ago

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know she is messy. This isn't going to change. Either it is something you can live with or not. Just wait until you have kids. Then she will really drive you crazy!

+1 we call this the price of admission

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your being a neat person sets you up for success in life - professional and personal. Your girlfriend may not have been raised by parents who valued routine and cleanliness. I would gently talk to her and teach her how to be neat. Compromise on some things but you need to actually show her how to fold clothes etc and how to clean. Many people grow up not knowing basic "adulting". Then there are long threads on this forum about how their spouse is not helping at home.

I suggest that you watch "Hoarders" and "AuriKatrinna" together on youtube. You can also watch Mari Kondo on Netflix. Then you both need to do these kinds of cleaning chores together every day so that this habit becomes ingrained in her. It takes 21 days of doing something every day to form a habit.

Tell her that you are also willing to learn things from her. Maybe she is great in cooking or loves to garden. The best part about spending time with each other is that you can teach each other, compromise with each other or figure out if you are compatible or not.

HAHAHAHAHA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put your foot down now. If not, she’ll continue to be messy and ten years from now, you’ll be posting/complaining about your messy wife and you should have put a stop to it ten years ago.

Aww, you’re cute. No adult can “put a stop to” anything another adult does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I have been living together for almost 3 months. It’s going well except she is more messy than I am. Unlike most men, I’m very neat and like to keep things clean. I hate clutter. I rinse + put dishes in dishwasher right away - gf will put in sink or just leave on kitchen counter until end of day, I will do laundry & fold + put away right away - gf throws her stuff everywhere and never seems to fold or put away. I put things back - gf leaves the bathroom counter a mess with all of her products. I clean the fridge every week before grocery shopping - gf never does it until after or checks that we’re out of something until after. I do a reset every night - dishes put away + run dishwasher, fold blanket, wipe down counters - gf had left it messy many times one the nights she stay up later than I do. I know this is very insignificant and doesn’t really matter, but is it annoying habit she has. I just need to vent my frustrations to someone who hopefully gets it.

I don't see anything wrong with keeping dishes in the sink until the end of the day, and then loading them in the dishwasher. As long as it's not overnight, it won't cause pest issue. Folding blankets is also over the top, people just cover the beds with blankets and coverlets. What is even "folding" the blankets?

Throw blankets. Like for the couch/living room. Thought that was obvious.

Why do you need to have so many throw blankets in the living room on couches, and then fold them every day? Isnt it cleaner/easier to have leather furniture that doesn't accumulate dust and not use throw blankets?

OP here. We have two because we sometimes get cold. Who doesn’t have blankets to use in the living room when it’s cold?

It’s the middle of June. Do you live in the Southern Hemisphere?

[Anonymous]

Welcome to almost-sorta-kinda-married but not really. Joining two lives is really a lot more difficult than it appears from the outside by folks who haven't done it. You two seem to be exact extremes. I typically fold/put clothes away 2-3 day later so living with someone who was a stickler on a timeline for that chore would drive me insane. With that said, communication is key, friend. Use your words and tell her how you feel. And get ready for the backlash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to almost-sorta-kinda-married but not really. Joining two lives is really a lot more difficult than it appears from the outside by folks who haven't done it. You two seem to be exact extremes. I typically fold/put clothes away 2-3 day later so living with someone who was a stickler on a timeline for that chore would drive me insane. With that said, communication is key, friend. Use your words and tell her how you feel. And get ready for the backlash.

Yep, I am a woman and after noticing this habit to fold garments into closet with a delay , I purchased a folding rack on Amazon. It makes it so easier to tags out couple dresses for work, see my immediately needed garments on the rack and keep them like that couple days. Then I either throw them in laundry or, if not worn, place back into closet.
My exH would notice one plate in the sink after breakfast left there till lunch and literally would burst in anger.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am the pp with the messy DH. I also have two throw blankets plus pillows. Every night before I go bed, I fold the throws that have been used and put the pillows the way I want them. Then I go to bed. That’s as good as it gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I have been living together for almost 3 months. It’s going well except she is more messy than I am. Unlike most men, I’m very neat and like to keep things clean. I hate clutter. I rinse + put dishes in dishwasher right away - gf will put in sink or just leave on kitchen counter until end of day, I will do laundry & fold + put away right away - gf throws her stuff everywhere and never seems to fold or put away. I put things back - gf leaves the bathroom counter a mess with all of her products. I clean the fridge every week before grocery shopping - gf never does it until after or checks that we’re out of something until after. I do a reset every night - dishes put away + run dishwasher, fold blanket, wipe down counters - gf had left it messy many times one the nights she stay up later than I do. I know this is very insignificant and doesn’t really matter, but is it annoying habit she has. I just need to vent my frustrations to someone who hopefully gets it.

as guy who is the neat freak in the family, I would advise you to take a few deep breathes first. Second, you need to understand that moving forward, your life/household will never be at the same level of neatness again (and this is coming from someone who is OCD about being neat/tidy).

My DW (and mother of our 3 kids) is the same as your GF - she is messy and leaves a trail of destruction behind - in the kitchen, in the bathroom, etc.

What I learned to do is to acknowledge and appreciate the household/life stuff that she does and does well or better than you - and there are things, you just may not have noticed them yet. I saw the cleaning issue as something that I would "own" so it really became a non-issue for me. Yes, it can still make me a little nuts that DW is oblivious to her mess, but it's not worth a big fight or anything of the sort.

recommend a simple quick discussion on one or two specific issues - e.g., leave the dishes in the sink, not sitting on the counter; would be helpful if after you make something to eat, to do a quick wipe of the countertops. you can do a more thorough cleanup later but it at least sets a reasonable (i.e., low bar) expectation that she can meet. might take a couple of reminders but she'll get it.

As for laundry, my DW lays out all the clean clothes from the fryer onto our bed and usually it sits there until she comes up at the end of the night. If I go to bed before she does, I just move the clothes to a chair or to her side - folding them or keeping them neatly laid out. Typically she'll say something akin to an apology the next morning but I just shrug it off and tell her no problem - it's just not worth fighting or bickering over.

GL

[Anonymous]

Hi OP I am a woman and can tell you that for some reason, to me having my clothing sitting on chairs during the week by the bed makes it feel like I can easier plan for my day and have everything handy. I would leave my jeans, shirts and dresses for work around on vanity stool, on bed stands and chairs. I don't like digging each day for what to wear in the closet.

Knowing this habit and kind of tired myself of cleaning up the mess in the end of the work week, I purchased this outside clothing rack on amazon: IRIS USA Clothes Rack, Collapsible Clothing Rack, Foldable Clothes Drying Rack, Garment Rack with Shelf, Black Clothing Rack with 3 Panels

I feel like this rack helped me immensely with having all I need to wear for the week in one place, easily accessible and visible to plan my look for the day, and yet handing/folded and looking neat.

Maybe you should look into such organizers' solutions for your girlfriend: racks, baskets, cosmetic bags etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a person who cleans as I go. If I eat something, I will put my plate in the dishwasher once I am done. I do my laundry every day. I wipe my sink and bathroom counters after I use them in the morning. I will swish the toilet with lysol cleaner in the morning. To keep a clean house clean takes a few minutes every day. Another things is that I know how to declutter.

If your girlfriend is spreading her cosmetics or hair styling products in the bathroom counter, she basically needs tote baskets to keep her stuff neatly and a place to stow it away.

I am sure there are many qualities that she has that makes it worthwhile for you to have her in your life. If you cannot stand her messy habits then understand that it will only get worse.

Maybe she can work part time as a maid with a cleaning service and learn on the job?

OP here. I don’t do all of the above but this is basically what I do. I try to keep things neat.

I specifically cleaned out space - we have a double sink with lots of cabinet space for her to keep her stuff. I bought some bins and she still never uses them. She said it’s easier to have everything out and displayed. I got her some nice looking makeup thing to keep on the counter and it’s still a freaking mess.

She works FT and will not take on a cleaning job. She’s not a slob or anything. I have never lived with a woman and I just assumed most women were just as clean, if not cleaner, than I am.

This highlighted above calls for organizing solutions which allow her to see everything and yet keep it organized. There are bathroom shelves you can buy, closet shoe racks (I installed it for my elderly mother and her closet now looks way more organized) etc

[Anonymous]

OP, to summarize the recommendations:

1.you both need to find a middle ground/possibly do couple therapy. There are some unreasonable expectations on your part and some unreasonable messiness on her end
2. work on organizing solutions for her that allow her to see things outside closets and readily accessible
3. have cleaning lady come more often and ask her to fold stuff.
4. consider a larger apartment 2br/2baths so that each of you could have own space

[Anonymous]

Messy people are energy vampires. If she is not willing to change and come at a level of cleanliness that is acceptable to you (within reason), then you will always be dissatisfied. However, why won't a human want to be clean and organized? The natural tendency for all of us is crave order and cleanliness.

[Anonymous]

People can change. When we married DH could go I don't know how long withough changing sheets and he just drops his clothes down at night. But he's always been religious about cleaning up right away after meals. I used to soak dishes, but I've picked up his habit of cleaning up right away, b/c who wants dirty dishes sitting around??? And he's started doing the sheets every week without my intervention. So, I think both parties should move toward getting tidier. But just my $.02

[Anonymous]

I do NOT understand letting laundry sit around for a long time, either. Who wants to grab clean clothes out of the hamper??? Wash it, dry it, fold it, done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You clean out the fridge every week before you go shopping? It sounds like both of you can move a bit towards each other.

OP here. Yes. I thought that was very normal? My mom and dad did it growing up. How else do you know what you need to get?

You visually scan the contents of the pantry and frig and then make a list.

Clean out implies taking all the food out, washing the shelves and walls of fridge. Yes, reviewing the fridge and contents ... cleaning up any spills that were missed ... and tossing old food before a new shop is normal. But cleaning the fridge every week is a lot of work.