How to talk to 9yo about overeating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it seems like nobody understands that restricting usually leads to binging, weight gain, and self esteem issues, but I'm glad to see that most people on this thread do understand that! My heart goes out to those who have learned from personal experience thanks to well-intentioned but seriously misguided moms; I'm right there with you and I'm glad we can learn from their mistakes and do better with our kids.

I'm the prior yo-yoer. What's funny, is before I started dieting in my teens, I don't even remember food being in the forefront of my brain all the time and I definitely wasn't overweight! I was 5'7" and 140 lbs. I was pear-shaped though (and that was not the fashion at the time), so in my head, I thought I had a massively wide rear end. I looked great when I see old pictures! I've been on a cycle of diets for almost 40 years. I'm always thinking about food and when I can eat and it doesn't matter how much I weigh at the moment. It's always there in the back of my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she hitting puberty? Kids tend to eat more around that time. Id take her to the doctor and rule out hormonal imbalances and get some suggestions from a professional. Personally I’m more on the side of don’t focus too much on her weight, but always rule out medical causes first.

She could be, but she has definitely been getting chubby noticeably since she 6/7.

It's not your job to decide what size her body is. It's not your job to teach her to limit her food intake. That can cause disordered eating, and tons of damage to her mental AND physical health.

She's about to hit puberty, even if she's not there quite yet, and her body is changing. Let her be.

[Anonymous]

I was similarly sized at that ages. My siblings were all thin. I was addicted to sugar and we had an abundance of sweets and baked goods in the house. I could not control myself around those items. My mother was always on a diet and had a lot of health materials around the house so I did have a sense, albeit disordered, of what healthy habits looked like. I certainly ate my feelings and my boredom. There was no limit on what sweets I could eat in a day. My weight went up and down. Luckily I liked exercise or I would have been bigger. What finally helped was going to college. I didn’t have access to the same sweets and I slowly learned to not eat my feelings. Over about a decade, I took off the weight. I noticed the addiction to sugar. Now, 20 years later I can coexist in a house with sugar without feeling the urge. There’s no magic recipe but I’d keep the sugar in the house to a minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 9 year old taking candy is kind of normal so that would not concern me. I would just have grandma put it away next time.

I would just keep offering fruit and healthy between meal snacks. I would not talk to her about eating too much if it is healthy food.

Not normal at all. Only the kids who are shamed about food are hiding sweets.

The hiding isn’t normal, but if a grandmother put out an inviting bowl of candy for a grandchild visit, most kids would take and eat some. My kids would certainly do so, it wouldn’t occur to them that it wasn’t for them. They’d throw the wrappers in the trash though.

[Anonymous]

This OP again, for those saying to only to serve healthy meals and not keep processed foods or sweets in the house how will that not lead to binging when she does have the opportunity to eat them, such as at friends’ houses, birthday parties, etc?

Again, our focus has been on balance - have the goldfish but also some berries if you are still hungry, or a string cheese or whatever.

And yes half a can of beans isn’t crazy, but the quesadilla was very large - a burrito size tortilla filled with chicken and cheese. I was full after just that and had no beans. Yes she is a growing kid and may be hungrier which is fine, but it’s definitely a large volume of food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This OP again, for those saying to only to serve healthy meals and not keep processed foods or sweets in the house how will that not lead to binging when she does have the opportunity to eat them, such as at friends’ houses, birthday parties, etc?

Again, our focus has been on balance - have the goldfish but also some berries if you are still hungry, or a string cheese or whatever.

And yes half a can of beans isn’t crazy, but the quesadilla was very large - a burrito size tortilla filled with chicken and cheese. I was full after just that and had no beans. Yes she is a growing kid and may be hungrier which is fine, but it’s definitely a large volume of food.

I’m a PP. i don’t keep a ton of sweets in the house, but I also don’t care about what they eat at parties or friends’ houses. Either they’re not going to bday parties that much, so it’s not really an issue, or they’re going a lot so the food won’t be forbidden and binge worthy anymore.

[Anonymous]

It's clear from your posts that nothing we say will convince you to let go of your obsession with your daughter's weight and food intake.

You can't control your daughter's every move and every bite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's clear from your posts that nothing we say will convince you to let go of your obsession with your daughter's weight and food intake.

You can't control your daughter's every move and every bite.

I am just trying to make sure I fully understand the recommendations. I am not challenging what is being said. Maybe that gets lost in a couple sentences on a chat board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clarify that she didn’t just eat a couple pieces of candy, which we definitely would not make a big deal about. My mom found 12 wrappers stuffed in the tissue box and these were those round Lindt chocolate truffle ball things. So that implies she ate 12 of those quickly at some point. She later found like 6 more jammed between couch cushions. So that means someone ate 18 fairly large chocolate balls in one day. That is why we are concerned. Sure 2-3 of them would be normal, maybe even 5. But 18?

And yes 90lbs isn’t the end of the world, but it makes her BMI fall into the obese category and our pediatrician said we need to encourage more healthy foods and less treats/processed foods. But basically according to responses it seems like we should set zero limitations and just let her eat whatever she wants. So basically damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I don’t think you’re ready to listen to advice and are really just looking for some magic way to make your daughter eat less food. There’s clearly some food/weight shaming going on here and it’s not cool. Work on it. No excuses. Resources have been suggested. Do it now or regret it later.

I am truly open to any and all advice, but I don’t think letting her eat whatever she wants and as much as she wants is really good advice for a kid on track to becoming really heavy. There has to be something in the middle no?

You said eating habits are a "constant conversation", I would stop that immediately. I can remember several things spoken to me at that age about my weight to this day. I got chubby at age 9 in the 5th grade (was young for my grade), then shot up 6 inches and was a very tall thin beanpole for the next 30 years. Do you want her to have an eating disorder on some level?

[Anonymous]

OP, do you spend a lot of time talking about "bad" foods? Do you restrict food consumption in your home? Do you count calories out loud, and verbally track what people have eaten today? Do you tell other adults in front of your DD to make sure she doesn't eat too much, please don't give her anything?

If so, your DD has a food issue, and it's not weight. It is around the attitude she sees in her home around food in general. You are making food consumption a battleground. Kids react to that by hoarding it, and hiding it.

I remember hosting one girl that age for a play date once, and she snuck an entire box of crackers upstairs as well as other food items and ate them all, then stuffed the boxes under my kid's bed. Her mother had told me in front of her "please do not give her anything to eat if she asks for it, she needs to eat less".

Making food a battleground is a bad road to go down, OP. Enroll your kid in a sport instead, and never say anything about her weight or food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This OP again, for those saying to only to serve healthy meals and not keep processed foods or sweets in the house how will that not lead to binging when she does have the opportunity to eat them, such as at friends’ houses, birthday parties, etc?

Again, our focus has been on balance - have the goldfish but also some berries if you are still hungry, or a string cheese or whatever.

And yes half a can of beans isn’t crazy, but the quesadilla was very large - a burrito size tortilla filled with chicken and cheese. I was full after just that and had no beans. Yes she is a growing kid and may be hungrier which is fine, but it’s definitely a large volume of food.

To the bolded:

Many children binge sweets around occasions (halloween for example). I don't think that's necessarily a problem.

Do you not discipline your children because they might misbehave when you are not there?

The idea is to model good habits and hope that one day she will be mature enough to find that balance herself. The day may not necessarily be today, but it works for many children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clarify that she didn’t just eat a couple pieces of candy, which we definitely would not make a big deal about. My mom found 12 wrappers stuffed in the tissue box and these were those round Lindt chocolate truffle ball things. So that implies she ate 12 of those quickly at some point. She later found like 6 more jammed between couch cushions. So that means someone ate 18 fairly large chocolate balls in one day. That is why we are concerned. Sure 2-3 of them would be normal, maybe even 5. But 18?

And yes 90lbs isn’t the end of the world, but it makes her BMI fall into the obese category and our pediatrician said we need to encourage more healthy foods and less treats/processed foods. But basically according to responses it seems like we should set zero limitations and just let her eat whatever she wants. So basically damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I don’t think you’re ready to listen to advice and are really just looking for some magic way to make your daughter eat less food. There’s clearly some food/weight shaming going on here and it’s not cool. Work on it. No excuses. Resources have been suggested. Do it now or regret it later.

I am truly open to any and all advice, but I don’t think letting her eat whatever she wants and as much as she wants is really good advice for a kid on track to becoming really heavy. There has to be something in the middle no?

Yes that is why you should read the books suggested. Also subscribe to Virginia Sole Smiths newsletter.

[Anonymous]

My beloved grandmother kept open bowls of candy in several places in her beautiful home. One of plains m&ms, one of peanut m&ms, one of andes candies and one of hershey's miniatures. The bowls were beautiful and whimsical, one was 3 bowls that stacked up into the shape of an animal for example. It was part of the endless magic of going to Grammie and Grandad's house. There was coke in the fridge, little mini ones. And goldfish, and we went to restaurants. All the things we didn't have in my health conscious home. It was heavenly as I recall. There was never, ever any shaming. Miss her so much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear from your posts that nothing we say will convince you to let go of your obsession with your daughter's weight and food intake.

You can't control your daughter's every move and every bite.

I am just trying to make sure I fully understand the recommendations. I am not challenging what is being said. Maybe that gets lost in a couple sentences on a chat board.

Understood. And this is hard, btw. Almost everyone in our generation has some kind of food issues - very pervasive for the kids who were raised on some warped ideas about food and nutrition. I think some of us are being tough just because we think this is so important to get it right and I think it’s great that you are looking for the right way to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear from your posts that nothing we say will convince you to let go of your obsession with your daughter's weight and food intake.

You can't control your daughter's every move and every bite.

I am just trying to make sure I fully understand the recommendations. I am not challenging what is being said. Maybe that gets lost in a couple sentences on a chat board.

DP.

I applaud your desire to seek help, but perhaps you need to seek it from a professional(perhaps a therapist who specializes in eating disorders - for yourself, not for your daughter?) It seems that you are overly concerned about her weight and eating habits.

Most people know that their children binge candies at events just as children sleep way past their bedtimes at sleepovers. They are ok with this as long as it does not happen everyday. Maybe a professional can help you reset and find your bearings when food issues are concerned.