How to talk to 9yo about overeating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At home, is she "overeating" the kinds of foods that she is served and that the family is eating? Or is she raiding the cabinets at all hours?

I think kids this age understand healthy and not healthy, but it can still be a little confusing to understand why they can't have more of the meal that is offered if they feel hungry.

For example, my DD will eat all the french fries in sight, when given the chance. So we limit the occasions when we have them - but when we do, we don't police what she's eating, since everyone else is eating fries and there's enough for everyone. If I'm eating fries while also telling her to slow down, etc etc, that's confusing for her.

She overeats the foods we are eating - she is definitely not raiding the cabinets as far as I can tell. Tonight for dinner we had chicken quesadillas, black beans, raspberries and raw carrots. She had her whole quesadilla and a small bowl of beans, probably 10 raspberries and 5 mini carrots. She said she was hungry and asked for more beans. She probably had half a can of beans all in.

But that said, on Sunday we had some friends and their kids over and ordered in pizza. She had 3 normal size slices, and all the other kids just had one.

You need some help. You have no idea what a normal 9 year old, who does not eat like a bird, should eat. The dinner is a nothing burger. The tell that you have issues is that you counted the raspberries and the baby carrots. A half can of beans is not that much for child who is probably headed toward puberty. My kids would only eat one slice of pizza because they don't like it. Also - was there other food besides the pizza?

PS - her caloric needs are more than your 45 year old perimenopausal ones

-a 44 year old perimenopausal mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At home, is she "overeating" the kinds of foods that she is served and that the family is eating? Or is she raiding the cabinets at all hours?

I think kids this age understand healthy and not healthy, but it can still be a little confusing to understand why they can't have more of the meal that is offered if they feel hungry.

For example, my DD will eat all the french fries in sight, when given the chance. So we limit the occasions when we have them - but when we do, we don't police what she's eating, since everyone else is eating fries and there's enough for everyone. If I'm eating fries while also telling her to slow down, etc etc, that's confusing for her.

She overeats the foods we are eating - she is definitely not raiding the cabinets as far as I can tell. Tonight for dinner we had chicken quesadillas, black beans, raspberries and raw carrots. She had her whole quesadilla and a small bowl of beans, probably 10 raspberries and 5 mini carrots. She said she was hungry and asked for more beans. She probably had half a can of beans all in.

But that said, on Sunday we had some friends and their kids over and ordered in pizza. She had 3 normal size slices, and all the other kids just had one.

You need some help. You have no idea what a normal 9 year old, who does not eat like a bird, should eat. The dinner is a nothing burger. The tell that you have issues is that you counted the raspberries and the baby carrots. A half can of beans is not that much for child who is probably headed toward puberty. My kids would only eat one slice of pizza because they don't like it. Also - was there other food besides the pizza?

PS - her caloric needs are more than your 45 year old perimenopausal ones

-a 44 year old perimenopausal mom

Also, heed your mom on the below:

"At the same time, my mom is concerned that if we keep talking to DD reminding her to eat slower, to make healthy choices and stop eating when she feels full we are going to give her an eating disorder or make her keep sneaking food. We try to do it in a calm way and not confrontational or accusatory, but it is a constant conversation."

Please get help for your daughter's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you put a bunch of restrictions on food? I think that leads to this behavior.

Bingo. A kid sneaking food is is sign that they are being overly restricted. As the parent you need to work on your own food issues. Ellen satter is a good place to start.

The best things you can do right now:

1. Make MORE treats available to your kid so the perceived scarcity doesn’t lead to binging
2. Make a policy to never ever comment on your kids eating choices or weight.

Do the above to avoid inflicting damage as you work through your own stuff.

We really don’t restrict anything and she definitely not deprived, unless you consider not letting her eat a cheeseburger, fries and unlimited desserts daily being too restrictive. We eat dinner at home 4-5 night per week and then order in/go out 2-3 nights. One night per week is always burger and fries and one is pizza. She has dessert 3-4 times per week. Sometimes it is just an Oreo or two, sometimes it’s more substantial. After school snacks are pirates booty, goldfish, etc. Don’t get me wrong, she has healthy stuff in there too but she is not deprived of anything.

If you don't restrict why was she punished for eating the candy, and why was the punishment removing dessert?

[Anonymous]

Love and accept her body as it is. Stop talking about her portions or eating healthy. Encourage and empower her to listen to her body. Keep her busy and active. Practice mindful lifestyle of exercising and self love. Her body will be what it will be as long as you have the healthy food available and you STOP the nagging she will have a wonderful relationship with herself and body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love and accept her body as it is. Stop talking about her portions or eating healthy. Encourage and empower her to listen to her body. Keep her busy and active. Practice mindful lifestyle of exercising and self love. Her body will be what it will be as long as you have the healthy food available and you STOP the nagging she will have a wonderful relationship with herself and body.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At home, is she "overeating" the kinds of foods that she is served and that the family is eating? Or is she raiding the cabinets at all hours?

I think kids this age understand healthy and not healthy, but it can still be a little confusing to understand why they can't have more of the meal that is offered if they feel hungry.

For example, my DD will eat all the french fries in sight, when given the chance. So we limit the occasions when we have them - but when we do, we don't police what she's eating, since everyone else is eating fries and there's enough for everyone. If I'm eating fries while also telling her to slow down, etc etc, that's confusing for her.

She overeats the foods we are eating - she is definitely not raiding the cabinets as far as I can tell. Tonight for dinner we had chicken quesadillas, black beans, raspberries and raw carrots. She had her whole quesadilla and a small bowl of beans, probably 10 raspberries and 5 mini carrots. She said she was hungry and asked for more beans. She probably had half a can of beans all in.

But that said, on Sunday we had some friends and their kids over and ordered in pizza. She had 3 normal size slices, and all the other kids just had one.

You need some help. You have no idea what a normal 9 year old, who does not eat like a bird, should eat. The dinner is a nothing burger. The tell that you have issues is that you counted the raspberries and the baby carrots. A half can of beans is not that much for child who is probably headed toward puberty. My kids would only eat one slice of pizza because they don't like it. Also - was there other food besides the pizza?

PS - her caloric needs are more than your 45 year old perimenopausal ones

-a 44 year old perimenopausal mom

You think your daughter is overeating because she ate *half a can of beans*? Do you hear yourself? I agree with this PP and your mom. Please consider seeing a therapist for yourself to get some perspective and then address this problem. Good luck Op. and please be kind to your daughter. Think of how she must have felt, how bad, in the candy situation. Either she did eat the candy and was so terrified of your response that as an otherwise good kid she not only hid the wrappers, she lied about it later, or she didn’t and you humiliated her by accusing her. Please. Being fit matters in life, I am not blind to reality, but being thin isn’t worth much if you are neurotic, miserable or have an eating disorder. Teach her kindly how to eat well and lead an active life. Accept that your daughter has a body type that is determined by genetics and probably will change a lot in the next 10 years. Stop judging.

[Anonymous]

Love your child because she is your child. All the time. Not just when she’s at what you consider a good weight. She will not always be 90 pounds, she’ll probably turn out just fine but one day she may even be 390 pounds. Love her regardless, it’s not about you right now. Just love her. Unconditionally.

[Anonymous]

Raising an intuitive eater book.

I’m an eating disorder dietitian. Kids appetites can be big, 8-14 years is puberty weight gain range, so some internal work because this looks like fatphobia to me.

[Anonymous]

My mother was overweight and throughout my entire life she fat shamed me. I was never fit enough for her. No I wasn’t skinny- I developed curves etc. but I definitely was in great shape for most of my life. But she always made me feel fat because of her own issues. When I look at photos of my younger self I’m so upset - I wasn’t fat at all. So back off is my advice.

[Anonymous]

This is pretty normal behavior for a 9yo. Focus on throwing away trash, not the part about sneaking candy. Don’t have candy in the house if you don’t want her to eat it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:90 lbs at age 9 doesn’t seem big to me, she’s likely prepubescent.

Really? Unless she’s really tall and definitely hittting puberty, that seems like a lot to me. My 9 yo weighs 60lbs and she’s pretty standard size.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:90 lbs at age 9 doesn’t seem big to me, she’s likely prepubescent.

Really? Unless she’s really tall and definitely hittting puberty, that seems like a lot to me. My 9 yo weighs 60lbs and she’s pretty standard size.

60lbs is tiny for 9. They’re all over the place at this age. Mind weights 40lbs more than yours but she’s not overweight. She’s solid

[Anonymous]

My niece was like this at her age ..I couldn't believe how much she ate compared to my kids. Turned out she went through puberty very young (10). After period/growth spurt, she ate much less and is a totally normal weight as teen. I would check with doctor about stage in puberty

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:90 lbs at age 9 doesn’t seem big to me, she’s likely prepubescent.

Really? Unless she’s really tall and definitely hittting puberty, that seems like a lot to me. My 9 yo weighs 60lbs and she’s pretty standard size.

60lbs is tiny for 9. They’re all over the place at this age. Mind weights 40lbs more than yours but she’s not overweight. She’s solid

Agreed but 90 pounds at 9 is kind of big. My 10 year old niece is 75 pounds give or take and 4’8”. My 8 year old niece is 68 pounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 9yo DD has gotten chubby over the past 2 years and while she eats a balanced diet, she eats a lot - adult sized portions, and sometimes even more than I do. She constantly tells us she is hungry, but often when I offer fruit or something healthy she will decline and just wait until the next meal… so I don’t know if she is actually hungry all the time.

Last weekend we were at my mom’s house all day Sunday and in the early afternoon my mom found some candy wrappers stuffed in a tissue box (she has a big bowl of candy in her living room). She asked who are it and we all assumed it was DD, although she denied it. The only people there were my mom, me, 9yo DD, my 4yo DS and my 3yo niece… but the 2 younger kids weren’t alone at all and I highly doubt if they did eat any candy they would think to hide the wrappers vs just throw them on the floor. My DH said something to DD which was essentially that we know it was her and that its completely unacceptable and she couldn’t have dessert that night. She was upset and swore it wasn’t her.

Anyway, my mom called me today and said she found even more wrappers and she is very concerned that DD is sneaking food. I have no idea it if was her or not, but she seems to be the most likely culprit. At the same time, my mom is concerned that if we keep talking to DD reminding her to eat slower, to make healthy choices and stop eating when she feels full we are going to give her an eating disorder or make her keep sneaking food. We try to do it in a calm way and not confrontational or accusatory, but it is a constant conversation.

So, what do we do here? How do we talk to her in a positive way that doesn’t give her a complex or make her resort to sneaking food? For what it’s worth, I have never seen anything like this at our house. We have treats and I keep a close eye on them.

This interaction that you are describing is so abusive. She took food from a bowl that was placed in the open, presumably for guests to enjoy. Then she was shamed and punished for it. It's entrapment.

Read Ellyn Satter, and really think about why you allowed your child to be treated this way.

This! Don’t leave candy out right in front of people if you don’t want them to eat it!