How to talk to 9yo about overeating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you spend a lot of time talking about "bad" foods? Do you restrict food consumption in your home? Do you count calories out loud, and verbally track what people have eaten today? Do you tell other adults in front of your DD to make sure she doesn't eat too much, please don't give her anything?

If so, your DD has a food issue, and it's not weight. It is around the attitude she sees in her home around food in general. You are making food consumption a battleground. Kids react to that by hoarding it, and hiding it.

I remember hosting one girl that age for a play date once, and she snuck an entire box of crackers upstairs as well as other food items and ate them all, then stuffed the boxes under my kid's bed. Her mother had told me in front of her "please do not give her anything to eat if she asks for it, she needs to eat less".

Making food a battleground is a bad road to go down, OP. Enroll your kid in a sport instead, and never say anything about her weight or food.

We don’t track calories, tell other adults to watch or restrict what she eats, or discuss what she has eaten (unless she has been at a friend’s house and asks for a treat, in which case we ask if she had one at the friends’ house).

What we do do is tell her she should eat at least two servings of fruit and vegetables per day but she can pick what and when. She eats very fast (literally shovels food in until her mouth is stuffed) so we remind her to chew each bite before taking another and to put her fork down between bites. When she asks for more food we ask if she is sure she is still hungry. I am sure those last two are annoying but I think part of the overeating is because she eats so fast her stomach doesn’t register being full. She often finishes her meal before DH and I even sit down at the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you spend a lot of time talking about "bad" foods? Do you restrict food consumption in your home? Do you count calories out loud, and verbally track what people have eaten today? Do you tell other adults in front of your DD to make sure she doesn't eat too much, please don't give her anything?

If so, your DD has a food issue, and it's not weight. It is around the attitude she sees in her home around food in general. You are making food consumption a battleground. Kids react to that by hoarding it, and hiding it.

I remember hosting one girl that age for a play date once, and she snuck an entire box of crackers upstairs as well as other food items and ate them all, then stuffed the boxes under my kid's bed. Her mother had told me in front of her "please do not give her anything to eat if she asks for it, she needs to eat less".

Making food a battleground is a bad road to go down, OP. Enroll your kid in a sport instead, and never say anything about her weight or food.

We don’t track calories, tell other adults to watch or restrict what she eats, or discuss what she has eaten (unless she has been at a friend’s house and asks for a treat, in which case we ask if she had one at the friends’ house).

What we do do is tell her she should eat at least two servings of fruit and vegetables per day but she can pick what and when. She eats very fast (literally shovels food in until her mouth is stuffed) so we remind her to chew each bite before taking another and to put her fork down between bites. When she asks for more food we ask if she is sure she is still hungry. I am sure those last two are annoying but I think part of the overeating is because she eats so fast her stomach doesn’t register being full. She often finishes her meal before DH and I even sit down at the table.

Oh brother…. “Literally shovels food into her mouth”…. We get it OP, you think your daughter is gross. So, either she is eating that much bc she is actually hungry and requires that much food (very possible!!), or she’s stuffing herself at meals bc she knows she’s not allowed to eat any snacks except fruits and vegetables!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear from your posts that nothing we say will convince you to let go of your obsession with your daughter's weight and food intake.

You can't control your daughter's every move and every bite.

I am just trying to make sure I fully understand the recommendations. I am not challenging what is being said. Maybe that gets lost in a couple sentences on a chat board.

DP.

I applaud your desire to seek help, but perhaps you need to seek it from a professional(perhaps a therapist who specializes in eating disorders - for yourself, not for your daughter?) It seems that you are overly concerned about her weight and eating habits.

Most people know that their children binge candies at events just as children sleep way past their bedtimes at sleepovers. They are ok with this as long as it does not happen everyday. Maybe a professional can help you reset and find your bearings when food issues are concerned.

I am only concerned because our pediatrician has told us she is considered obese and said she is at an important age for helping her develop healthy habits that can last a lifetime. I am not projecting any of my own issues onto her, I am merely trying to set her up for success, which is why I came here to ask for advice on how to guide her in a way that won’t be destructive. We don’t want to shame, control or restrict her, but don’t want her to end up in an unhealthy situation because we just stood by idly watching. I have several friends who said being the fat kid in middle school was absolutely miserable, so if we can help her avoid that fate in a way that won’t hurt her, why would we not?

But I do think a therapist or nutritionist could be a good idea, so thanks for that suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear from your posts that nothing we say will convince you to let go of your obsession with your daughter's weight and food intake.

You can't control your daughter's every move and every bite.

I am just trying to make sure I fully understand the recommendations. I am not challenging what is being said. Maybe that gets lost in a couple sentences on a chat board.

Understood. And this is hard, btw. Almost everyone in our generation has some kind of food issues - very pervasive for the kids who were raised on some warped ideas about food and nutrition. I think some of us are being tough just because we think this is so important to get it right and I think it’s great that you are looking for the right way to move forward.

I appreciate that and agree that it’s so important to get it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you spend a lot of time talking about "bad" foods? Do you restrict food consumption in your home? Do you count calories out loud, and verbally track what people have eaten today? Do you tell other adults in front of your DD to make sure she doesn't eat too much, please don't give her anything?

If so, your DD has a food issue, and it's not weight. It is around the attitude she sees in her home around food in general. You are making food consumption a battleground. Kids react to that by hoarding it, and hiding it.

I remember hosting one girl that age for a play date once, and she snuck an entire box of crackers upstairs as well as other food items and ate them all, then stuffed the boxes under my kid's bed. Her mother had told me in front of her "please do not give her anything to eat if she asks for it, she needs to eat less".

Making food a battleground is a bad road to go down, OP. Enroll your kid in a sport instead, and never say anything about her weight or food.

We don’t track calories, tell other adults to watch or restrict what she eats, or discuss what she has eaten (unless she has been at a friend’s house and asks for a treat, in which case we ask if she had one at the friends’ house).

What we do do is tell her she should eat at least two servings of fruit and vegetables per day but she can pick what and when. She eats very fast (literally shovels food in until her mouth is stuffed) so we remind her to chew each bite before taking another and to put her fork down between bites. When she asks for more food we ask if she is sure she is still hungry. I am sure those last two are annoying but I think part of the overeating is because she eats so fast her stomach doesn’t register being full. She often finishes her meal before DH and I even sit down at the table.

Oh brother…. “Literally shovels food into her mouth”…. We get it OP, you think your daughter is gross. So, either she is eating that much bc she is actually hungry and requires that much food (very possible!!), or she’s stuffing herself at meals bc she knows she’s not allowed to eat any snacks except fruits and vegetables!

I don’t think she is gross. And if you read a past response I said she eats goldfish and pirate’s booty for a snack, but if she is still hungry after eating that snack I offer fruit or a string cheese and she generally declines. If your child eats a bag of goldfish and then wants another do you allow it? Or do you suggest an alternative?

[Anonymous]

Try serving healthy soup before each meal or making sure she drinks a glass of water within the half hour before dinner. Make her use a spoon and manners sure, but stop shaming her about food. If you’re worried about her eating too fast enroll her in some etiquette lessons but don’t make it about food. Just get rid of the goldfish and pizza and cheeseburgers and 3-4 times per week desserts and other processed crap you offer her on a regular basis and let her eat what she wants. You have control over what is available, that’s where it ends. Your daughter is not obese, stop treating her as such before you end up back here in.5 years talking about your child with an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you spend a lot of time talking about "bad" foods? Do you restrict food consumption in your home? Do you count calories out loud, and verbally track what people have eaten today? Do you tell other adults in front of your DD to make sure she doesn't eat too much, please don't give her anything?

If so, your DD has a food issue, and it's not weight. It is around the attitude she sees in her home around food in general. You are making food consumption a battleground. Kids react to that by hoarding it, and hiding it.

I remember hosting one girl that age for a play date once, and she snuck an entire box of crackers upstairs as well as other food items and ate them all, then stuffed the boxes under my kid's bed. Her mother had told me in front of her "please do not give her anything to eat if she asks for it, she needs to eat less".

Making food a battleground is a bad road to go down, OP. Enroll your kid in a sport instead, and never say anything about her weight or food.

We don’t track calories, tell other adults to watch or restrict what she eats, or discuss what she has eaten (unless she has been at a friend’s house and asks for a treat, in which case we ask if she had one at the friends’ house).

What we do do is tell her she should eat at least two servings of fruit and vegetables per day but she can pick what and when. She eats very fast (literally shovels food in until her mouth is stuffed) so we remind her to chew each bite before taking another and to put her fork down between bites. When she asks for more food we ask if she is sure she is still hungry. I am sure those last two are annoying but I think part of the overeating is because she eats so fast her stomach doesn’t register being full. She often finishes her meal before DH and I even sit down at the table.

Oh brother…. “Literally shovels food into her mouth”…. We get it OP, you think your daughter is gross. So, either she is eating that much bc she is actually hungry and requires that much food (very possible!!), or she’s stuffing herself at meals bc she knows she’s not allowed to eat any snacks except fruits and vegetables!

I don’t think she is gross. And if you read a past response I said she eats goldfish and pirate’s booty for a snack, but if she is still hungry after eating that snack I offer fruit or a string cheese and she generally declines. If your child eats a bag of goldfish and then wants another do you allow it? Or do you suggest an alternative?

Neither pirates booty nor goldfish are healthy. Maybe find a nutritionist or some books on healthy eating. Basically if it comes in a package with a food label chances are it’s not that healthy. That’s fine sometimes but if you’re that concerned and you’re still offering processed food daily there in lies your problem. That’s what you can change.

[Anonymous]

That whole incident at your mom's house sounds horrific. How embarrassing for your daughter to be accused, interrogated, and punished in front of the entire family like that.

Kids will always sneak candy. It's like a rule. If your mom didn't want her eating it, she shouldn't have left it out for them to eat. Your daughter was trapped in a no-win situation.

I'm sure your daughter already feels self-conscious about her weight already, and is aware she eats more. All of society has been telling her that it is better to be thinner and eat less, since she was a young girl.

Your job as her parent is to counter-act that very negative messaging. Love your own body and speak positively about it, marvel at the wonder of it. Be a role model for her. Love all of your daughter. Do not focus on her food, at all. Just put out the healthy meals at meal times and stop talking about the food. Healthy meals simply means balanced - a general guide is a meal with a protein, complex carb, and fiber-rich veggies, fruits.

Talk about positive things from your day during meal times. Learn recipes and cook together. Spend time with her just listening and doing an activity she enjoys. Start giving her more responsibility and control over her life. Teach her life skills. Go for a walk with her.

These are all solutions. Not "talking to her about overeating".

[Anonymous]

I’m the OP of the thread on whether Ellyn Sattler works for kids who can’t regulate their food intake. My daughter is definitely overweight, and has no “off” switch when it comes to food she likes (not just junk, but anything she really likes.). Always has been like this. But she now wants to lose weight, and I’m really struggling with how to approach it for all the reasons given here. A week of trying Sattler’s approach has led to, I would guess, a doubling in my child’s consumption for the week (and I assure you she was not going hungry before). Even she said “I’m not going to lose weight eating whatever I want.” I don’t care what my daughter looks like—she takes my breath away with her beauty. But she gets made fun of for being fat, and I don’t know how to help her in a way that doesn’t lead to more issues later. So I feel for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you spend a lot of time talking about "bad" foods? Do you restrict food consumption in your home? Do you count calories out loud, and verbally track what people have eaten today? Do you tell other adults in front of your DD to make sure she doesn't eat too much, please don't give her anything?

If so, your DD has a food issue, and it's not weight. It is around the attitude she sees in her home around food in general. You are making food consumption a battleground. Kids react to that by hoarding it, and hiding it.

I remember hosting one girl that age for a play date once, and she snuck an entire box of crackers upstairs as well as other food items and ate them all, then stuffed the boxes under my kid's bed. Her mother had told me in front of her "please do not give her anything to eat if she asks for it, she needs to eat less".

Making food a battleground is a bad road to go down, OP. Enroll your kid in a sport instead, and never say anything about her weight or food.

We don’t track calories, tell other adults to watch or restrict what she eats, or discuss what she has eaten (unless she has been at a friend’s house and asks for a treat, in which case we ask if she had one at the friends’ house).

What we do do is tell her she should eat at least two servings of fruit and vegetables per day but she can pick what and when. She eats very fast (literally shovels food in until her mouth is stuffed) so we remind her to chew each bite before taking another and to put her fork down between bites. When she asks for more food we ask if she is sure she is still hungry. I am sure those last two are annoying but I think part of the overeating is because she eats so fast her stomach doesn’t register being full. She often finishes her meal before DH and I even sit down at the table.

Oh brother…. “Literally shovels food into her mouth”…. We get it OP, you think your daughter is gross. So, either she is eating that much bc she is actually hungry and requires that much food (very possible!!), or she’s stuffing herself at meals bc she knows she’s not allowed to eat any snacks except fruits and vegetables!

I don’t think she is gross. And if you read a past response I said she eats goldfish and pirate’s booty for a snack, but if she is still hungry after eating that snack I offer fruit or a string cheese and she generally declines. If your child eats a bag of goldfish and then wants another do you allow it? Or do you suggest an alternative?

I have to say, I think it’s weird that your 9 year old had to ask for snacks. Is she not allowed access to the kitchen? If I were you, I would not buy food that I had to police like that. If you’re going to buy packaged snacks, either let her eat as many as she wants, or don’t keep them around. Maybe she doesn’t want fruit or string cheese? If someone is craving salty pirates booty, fruit isn’t going to scratch that itch. Honestly, pirates booty and goldfish are really tasty but ultimately unsatisfying foods. I think if you let your daughter just eat what she wants, I think she’ll ultimately realize pirates booty isn’t what her body wants. Maybe what she really wants is more substantial, full flavored snacks - like hummus, real cheese, beef jerky, some kind of soup, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP of the thread on whether Ellyn Sattler works for kids who can’t regulate their food intake. My daughter is definitely overweight, and has no “off” switch when it comes to food she likes (not just junk, but anything she really likes.). Always has been like this. But she now wants to lose weight, and I’m really struggling with how to approach it for all the reasons given here. A week of trying Sattler’s approach has led to, I would guess, a doubling in my child’s consumption for the week (and I assure you she was not going hungry before). Even she said “I’m not going to lose weight eating whatever I want.” I don’t care what my daughter looks like—she takes my breath away with her beauty. But she gets made fun of for being fat, and I don’t know how to help her in a way that doesn’t lead to more issues later. So I feel for you, OP.

I wrote the post above you. Food is not the enemy, it can nourish our bodies with what we need. Embrace that. Eat color, natural foods with fiber and filled with nutrients. Focus on keeping those foods in the house. You shouldn't ban junk food, but those are occasional treats, and shouldn't necessarily be kept in the house. They are easy to get anywhere. Little tweaks can make a big difference over time. Avoid liquid calories, and empty calories in general. Use smaller plates. No late night eating, it's not good for your sleep or your digestive system.

[Anonymous]

Why not just let your kid eat what they want? Expect some random overeating in the first few months as they adjust (and worry you’re going to take the privilege away) but then it should settle down and your kid will start to self regulate.

You should not be in control of food at that age. What is going to happen when they go to camp/travel with friends/college? It’s better to allow them to experiment now in the comfort of home rather than have them go nuts when they are older.

My kids (12, 10, 8) are allowed unfettered access to our fridge and pantry at all times (save for labeled ingredients for recipes. I literally write on the cracker box, these are for Wednesday’s soup, please don’t eat). And the pantry has a mix of things. Trail mix and Cheese Doodles. Oreos and fruit leather. Some expensive chocolate and a thing of Nerds. Etc. They all make reasonable choices. If they eat a ton immediately before dinner, we don’t say anything. They still will sit with us and hang out (dinner in our house is a lot of fun because they are all very silly and we laugh a lot), but I don’t care if they eat it or not. They can also make something else if they don’t feel like eating what I made. I literally could not tell you who ate what for dinner last night, it is that low of a priority in my mind.

They are all healthy weights and heights, active and growing. I am definitely the most laid back about food in my social circle but my kids have absolutely no food issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP of the thread on whether Ellyn Sattler works for kids who can’t regulate their food intake. My daughter is definitely overweight, and has no “off” switch when it comes to food she likes (not just junk, but anything she really likes.). Always has been like this. But she now wants to lose weight, and I’m really struggling with how to approach it for all the reasons given here. A week of trying Sattler’s approach has led to, I would guess, a doubling in my child’s consumption for the week (and I assure you she was not going hungry before). Even she said “I’m not going to lose weight eating whatever I want.” I don’t care what my daughter looks like—she takes my breath away with her beauty. But she gets made fun of for being fat, and I don’t know how to help her in a way that doesn’t lead to more issues later. So I feel for you, OP.

Thanks for sharing and for trying to help your DD in the right way. Clearly I don’t know what that is, but I agree that self regulation is the issue and I think some people can’t understand that it’s impossible for some people (kids or adults) to flip the switch.

[Anonymous]

I’m laid back PP above. My kids would probably also sample a different/new candy at their grandparents home but 100 percent would not hide it. They would probably agree to taste it together and compare notes.

[Anonymous]

DD just turned 8 and is 55 lbs and 51 inches. She is slim, but not much smaller than all her classmates. Most of the girls in her class are of similar size.
I don’t have issues with my daughter, but I would not log my kid get to 300+ lbs like someone suggested above. How can this be good parenting?