How to talk to 9yo about overeating

[Anonymous]

My 9yo DD has gotten chubby over the past 2 years and while she eats a balanced diet, she eats a lot - adult sized portions, and sometimes even more than I do. She constantly tells us she is hungry, but often when I offer fruit or something healthy she will decline and just wait until the next meal… so I don’t know if she is actually hungry all the time.

Last weekend we were at my mom’s house all day Sunday and in the early afternoon my mom found some candy wrappers stuffed in a tissue box (she has a big bowl of candy in her living room). She asked who are it and we all assumed it was DD, although she denied it. The only people there were my mom, me, 9yo DD, my 4yo DS and my 3yo niece… but the 2 younger kids weren’t alone at all and I highly doubt if they did eat any candy they would think to hide the wrappers vs just throw them on the floor. My DH said something to DD which was essentially that we know it was her and that its completely unacceptable and she couldn’t have dessert that night. She was upset and swore it wasn’t her.

Anyway, my mom called me today and said she found even more wrappers and she is very concerned that DD is sneaking food. I have no idea it if was her or not, but she seems to be the most likely culprit. At the same time, my mom is concerned that if we keep talking to DD reminding her to eat slower, to make healthy choices and stop eating when she feels full we are going to give her an eating disorder or make her keep sneaking food. We try to do it in a calm way and not confrontational or accusatory, but it is a constant conversation.

So, what do we do here? How do we talk to her in a positive way that doesn’t give her a complex or make her resort to sneaking food? For what it’s worth, I have never seen anything like this at our house. We have treats and I keep a close eye on them.

[Anonymous]

A 9 year old taking candy is kind of normal so that would not concern me. I would just have grandma put it away next time.

I would just keep offering fruit and healthy between meal snacks. I would not talk to her about eating too much if it is healthy food.

[Anonymous]

Is she hitting puberty? Kids tend to eat more around that time. Id take her to the doctor and rule out hormonal imbalances and get some suggestions from a professional. Personally I’m more on the side of don’t focus too much on her weight, but always rule out medical causes first.

[Anonymous]

What’s her current height and weight? Where has her growth been on the percentile charts?

[Anonymous]

At home, is she "overeating" the kinds of foods that she is served and that the family is eating? Or is she raiding the cabinets at all hours?

I think kids this age understand healthy and not healthy, but it can still be a little confusing to understand why they can't have more of the meal that is offered if they feel hungry.

For example, my DD will eat all the french fries in sight, when given the chance. So we limit the occasions when we have them - but when we do, we don't police what she's eating, since everyone else is eating fries and there's enough for everyone. If I'm eating fries while also telling her to slow down, etc etc, that's confusing for her.

[Anonymous]

I would read Ellyn Satter’s work. Some of it is painful - admitting that your child may end up with a larger body - but the division of labor she proposes is often effective in developing healthier eating habits in children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she hitting puberty? Kids tend to eat more around that time. Id take her to the doctor and rule out hormonal imbalances and get some suggestions from a professional. Personally I’m more on the side of don’t focus too much on her weight, but always rule out medical causes first.

+1

I was soooo worried about DD's weight gain around that age but the doctor wasn't concerned so I decided I wouldn't say anything, and then the next year she grew six inches.

[Anonymous]

I feel like any parent who harps on portion control and checking in on "are you sure you don't feel full" ends up with a kid who sneaks candy

[Anonymous]

My 9-year-old is the same. It’s frustrating, embarrassing, troubling and worrisome. We just keep sticking to the same talking points- everything in moderation, and eating healthy is the best way to keep our bodies healthy. Extra portions of veggies are totally fine. Hungry? Fruit is always on offer. Exercise every day. If she’s going to be a bigger kid after all that, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s her current height and weight? Where has her growth been on the percentile charts?

She is 55 inches tall (83rd percentile) and 90 lbs (93rd percentile). This is the same growth curve she has been on for a few years. So this has always been her build.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she hitting puberty? Kids tend to eat more around that time. Id take her to the doctor and rule out hormonal imbalances and get some suggestions from a professional. Personally I’m more on the side of don’t focus too much on her weight, but always rule out medical causes first.

She could be, but she has definitely been getting chubby noticeably since she 6/7.

[Anonymous]

More exercise is needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At home, is she "overeating" the kinds of foods that she is served and that the family is eating? Or is she raiding the cabinets at all hours?

I think kids this age understand healthy and not healthy, but it can still be a little confusing to understand why they can't have more of the meal that is offered if they feel hungry.

For example, my DD will eat all the french fries in sight, when given the chance. So we limit the occasions when we have them - but when we do, we don't police what she's eating, since everyone else is eating fries and there's enough for everyone. If I'm eating fries while also telling her to slow down, etc etc, that's confusing for her.

She overeats the foods we are eating - she is definitely not raiding the cabinets as far as I can tell. Tonight for dinner we had chicken quesadillas, black beans, raspberries and raw carrots. She had her whole quesadilla and a small bowl of beans, probably 10 raspberries and 5 mini carrots. She said she was hungry and asked for more beans. She probably had half a can of beans all in.

But that said, on Sunday we had some friends and their kids over and ordered in pizza. She had 3 normal size slices, and all the other kids just had one.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure she's not confusing thirst for hunger? Boredom? Emotional eating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 9yo DD has gotten chubby over the past 2 years and while she eats a balanced diet, she eats a lot - adult sized portions, and sometimes even more than I do. She constantly tells us she is hungry, but often when I offer fruit or something healthy she will decline and just wait until the next meal… so I don’t know if she is actually hungry all the time.

Last weekend we were at my mom’s house all day Sunday and in the early afternoon my mom found some candy wrappers stuffed in a tissue box (she has a big bowl of candy in her living room). She asked who are it and we all assumed it was DD, although she denied it. The only people there were my mom, me, 9yo DD, my 4yo DS and my 3yo niece… but the 2 younger kids weren’t alone at all and I highly doubt if they did eat any candy they would think to hide the wrappers vs just throw them on the floor. My DH said something to DD which was essentially that we know it was her and that its completely unacceptable and she couldn’t have dessert that night. She was upset and swore it wasn’t her.

Anyway, my mom called me today and said she found even more wrappers and she is very concerned that DD is sneaking food. I have no idea it if was her or not, but she seems to be the most likely culprit. At the same time, my mom is concerned that if we keep talking to DD reminding her to eat slower, to make healthy choices and stop eating when she feels full we are going to give her an eating disorder or make her keep sneaking food. We try to do it in a calm way and not confrontational or accusatory, but it is a constant conversation.

So, what do we do here? How do we talk to her in a positive way that doesn’t give her a complex or make her resort to sneaking food? For what it’s worth, I have never seen anything like this at our house. We have treats and I keep a close eye on them.

This interaction that you are describing is so abusive. She took food from a bowl that was placed in the open, presumably for guests to enjoy. Then she was shamed and punished for it. It's entrapment.

Read Ellyn Satter, and really think about why you allowed your child to be treated this way.