How to talk to 9yo about overeating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clarify that she didn’t just eat a couple pieces of candy, which we definitely would not make a big deal about. My mom found 12 wrappers stuffed in the tissue box and these were those round Lindt chocolate truffle ball things. So that implies she ate 12 of those quickly at some point. She later found like 6 more jammed between couch cushions. So that means someone ate 18 fairly large chocolate balls in one day. That is why we are concerned. Sure 2-3 of them would be normal, maybe even 5. But 18?

And yes 90lbs isn’t the end of the world, but it makes her BMI fall into the obese category and our pediatrician said we need to encourage more healthy foods and less treats/processed foods. But basically according to responses it seems like we should set zero limitations and just let her eat whatever she wants. So basically damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

This is the answer. And you don’t “encourage;” you just do it. Don’t buy treats and processed food at the grocery store. Then they are not hanging around the house. Don’t eat crap yourself so you set a good example. Again: Don’t talk about it; just do it!

One episode of over-eating on chocolate is insignificant. What matters is what you as a family are doing everyday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clarify that she didn’t just eat a couple pieces of candy, which we definitely would not make a big deal about. My mom found 12 wrappers stuffed in the tissue box and these were those round Lindt chocolate truffle ball things. So that implies she ate 12 of those quickly at some point. She later found like 6 more jammed between couch cushions. So that means someone ate 18 fairly large chocolate balls in one day. That is why we are concerned. Sure 2-3 of them would be normal, maybe even 5. But 18?

And yes 90lbs isn’t the end of the world, but it makes her BMI fall into the obese category and our pediatrician said we need to encourage more healthy foods and less treats/processed foods. But basically according to responses it seems like we should set zero limitations and just let her eat whatever she wants. So basically damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I don’t think you’re ready to listen to advice and are really just looking for some magic way to make your daughter eat less food. There’s clearly some food/weight shaming going on here and it’s not cool. Work on it. No excuses. Resources have been suggested. Do it now or regret it later.

I am truly open to any and all advice, but I don’t think letting her eat whatever she wants and as much as she wants is really good advice for a kid on track to becoming really heavy. There has to be something in the middle no?

Ellyn Satter is in the middle.

+1

I don’t like Satter because for me she is *too* restrictive. I like letting my kids eat whatever and whenever they want, in part due to my own comfort level and in part due to extreme hunger sensitivity (thanks ADHD). So Satter is actually the middle and probably exactly what you’re looking for, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clarify that she didn’t just eat a couple pieces of candy, which we definitely would not make a big deal about. My mom found 12 wrappers stuffed in the tissue box and these were those round Lindt chocolate truffle ball things. So that implies she ate 12 of those quickly at some point. She later found like 6 more jammed between couch cushions. So that means someone ate 18 fairly large chocolate balls in one day. That is why we are concerned. Sure 2-3 of them would be normal, maybe even 5. But 18?

And yes 90lbs isn’t the end of the world, but it makes her BMI fall into the obese category and our pediatrician said we need to encourage more healthy foods and less treats/processed foods. But basically according to responses it seems like we should set zero limitations and just let her eat whatever she wants. So basically damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I don't think this is the takeaway. You should be ok with her eating the food that you are buying and serving. If you are serving quesadillas, pizza, burgers, fries, goldfish, candy and other treats - don't get mad if she eats them, don't zero in on her over others, and so on. Just make those things available in moderation if health is a concern here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like any parent who harps on portion control and checking in on "are you sure you don't feel full" ends up with a kid who sneaks candy

My parents did, and I have never sneaked food. I am overweight, but I am a size 10 at 5ft 8inches and after 2 children. So I am not dangerously overweight.

My 9 year old overeats. I tell her, but i am a little more "scientific: about it than my parents were. She makes healthier choices because of it, but she still overeats. She has never sneaked food. She is not overweight because she tries to make good choices( she will pick green beans over rice if she has already had a second serving of rice). She has an incredible appetite, and she gets it from me.

I have a very skinny 7 year old who would sneak candy because she loves sugar. But she is an extremely picky eater and stops eating when she is full, unless it's candy.

I think these are two separate issues( overeating and a sweet tooth), and a young child sneaking candy is not surprising or rare. The solution here is easy at this age: keep it out of sight.

The overeating in general is more complex.

Wow, we have identical situations. I am the same size as you exactly, and my two kids are just like yours. 12yo DD is picky when it comes to 'real' food but will overeat on things like candy. She is thin. 9yo DS loves hearty meals and is a bit stocky / chubby. But he does not go wild for candy/sweets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s her current height and weight? Where has her growth been on the percentile charts?

She is 55 inches tall (83rd percentile) and 90 lbs (93rd percentile). This is the same growth curve she has been on for a few years. So this has always been her build.

So were those her percentiles before getting chubby? It could be early puberty chub. Any signs? Breast buds can be confused with fat but any body odor? Pubic hair or other big uptick in body hair?

Your DD is likely due for a growth spurt so she will have an opportunity to naturally thin out. I would just make sure to keep very little junk in the house. DO NOT DISCUSS OVEREATING WITH A 9 YEAR OLD! You will cause lifelong food issues (ask me how I know!) just restrict access. If there is no candy bowl sitting out at grandmas, she can't eat a ton of candy. If there is not a lot of junk in your house, she cannot eat it. If you only make 4 servings of pasta for your family of 4, she can't keep asking for more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was overweight and throughout my entire life she fat shamed me. I was never fit enough for her. No I wasn’t skinny- I developed curves etc. but I definitely was in great shape for most of my life. But she always made me feel fat because of her own issues. When I look at photos of my younger self I’m so upset - I wasn’t fat at all. So back off is my advice.

+1 my parents also made me feel fat as a kid and always talked about what I ate - but I look at pictures now and I wasn’t even the least bit chubby.

Same same!!! And NOW, I am fat. But I look at pictures and realize I was never overweight until college. I just identified as a fat kid starting around puberty. And I freaking wasn't!!! I always wondered why I never once got made fun of for being fat. Now I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clarify that she didn’t just eat a couple pieces of candy, which we definitely would not make a big deal about. My mom found 12 wrappers stuffed in the tissue box and these were those round Lindt chocolate truffle ball things. So that implies she ate 12 of those quickly at some point. She later found like 6 more jammed between couch cushions. So that means someone ate 18 fairly large chocolate balls in one day. That is why we are concerned. Sure 2-3 of them would be normal, maybe even 5. But 18?

And yes 90lbs isn’t the end of the world, but it makes her BMI fall into the obese category and our pediatrician said we need to encourage more healthy foods and less treats/processed foods. But basically according to responses it seems like we should set zero limitations and just let her eat whatever she wants. So basically damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

This is the answer. And you don’t “encourage;” you just do it. Don’t buy treats and processed food at the grocery store. Then they are not hanging around the house. Don’t eat crap yourself so you set a good example. Again: Don’t talk about it; just do it!

One episode of over-eating on chocolate is insignificant. What matters is what you as a family are doing everyday.

This. This. This.

Eating meals should be pleasurable and positive and not restrictive. Don't keep treats and processed foods in the house. Cook to serving size for number of people in house, i.e. don't cook giant amounts at each meal where there is extra. Model healthy eating every day as a family. Don't talk about it with a 9 year old.

Breakfast, Lunch, After school snack (not processed or candy), Dinner

[Anonymous]

According to the BMI child calculator those stats for a child 9 1/2 years old place her squarely in the overweight category. It’s confusing that you said she has always had these percentiles but has gotten chubby in the last two years. I’m not sure which it is. In any case we seem to have a problem as a culture talking about healthy eating with children. There is far too much panic over causing an eating disorder in my opinion. I think it’s OK to tell children that healthy choices make healthy bodies and that when our bodies get too big they don’t work as well. Simple and factual and not repeated ad nauseam. It is so much more difficult to lose weight as an adult. The only answer is focusing on healthy meals as an entire family and not keeping any junk in the house. Make sure she is being active and participates in 60 minutes of physical activity every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was overweight and throughout my entire life she fat shamed me. I was never fit enough for her. No I wasn’t skinny- I developed curves etc. but I definitely was in great shape for most of my life. But she always made me feel fat because of her own issues. When I look at photos of my younger self I’m so upset - I wasn’t fat at all. So back off is my advice.

+1 my parents also made me feel fat as a kid and always talked about what I ate - but I look at pictures now and I wasn’t even the least bit chubby.

Same same!!! And NOW, I am fat. But I look at pictures and realize I was never overweight until college. I just identified as a fat kid starting around puberty. And I freaking wasn't!!! I always wondered why I never once got made fun of for being fat. Now I know.

Another person who was not fat in middle school or high school but I was made to feel fat by the family. When I look back at photos from that
era my weight was just right and in no way was I overweight at all. I actually had a good figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clarify that she didn’t just eat a couple pieces of candy, which we definitely would not make a big deal about. My mom found 12 wrappers stuffed in the tissue box and these were those round Lindt chocolate truffle ball things. So that implies she ate 12 of those quickly at some point. She later found like 6 more jammed between couch cushions. So that means someone ate 18 fairly large chocolate balls in one day. That is why we are concerned. Sure 2-3 of them would be normal, maybe even 5. But 18?

And yes 90lbs isn’t the end of the world, but it makes her BMI fall into the obese category and our pediatrician said we need to encourage more healthy foods and less treats/processed foods. But basically according to responses it seems like we should set zero limitations and just let her eat whatever she wants. So basically damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

You sound like you feel very judged by your pediatrician, but actually all he said was “encourage healthy foods.” You already do that. He didn’t say cut out treats or police all your daughter’s eating.

You seem to be very focused on the number of candies she ate vs the fact that she hid them. Hiding even one candy wrapper isn’t good. Your daughter already knows the candy is “bad” (according to mom). What is restricting it even more going to accomplish? I think it’s just going to lead to even bigger binges and more elaborate ways of hiding them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:According to the BMI child calculator those stats for a child 9 1/2 years old place her squarely in the overweight category. It’s confusing that you said she has always had these percentiles but has gotten chubby in the last two years. I’m not sure which it is. In any case we seem to have a problem as a culture talking about healthy eating with children. There is far too much panic over causing an eating disorder in my opinion. I think it’s OK to tell children that healthy choices make healthy bodies and that when our bodies get too big they don’t work as well. Simple and factual and not repeated ad nauseam. It is so much more difficult to lose weight as an adult. The only answer is focusing on healthy meals as an entire family and not keeping any junk in the house. Make sure she is being active and participates in 60 minutes of physical activity every day.

You think our culture doesn't make abundantly clear to chubbier and overweight kids that they should eat differently? Do you know anybody who is overweight that isn't aware that it's good to eat vegetables? I think our society has gotten bad about restricting. Look at how many kids are on diets now compared to 30 years ago, and based on childhood obesity rates and the correlation between dieting and overeating (I'm actually convinced it's causation), it hasn't done one bit of good.

The focus on healthy meals with the entire family is indeed key. But having no junk at all in the house is unlikely to be helpful.


Also BMI for kids is definitely just a guideline, far more than it is for adults.

[Anonymous]

My 8.5 year old is 55lbs. 90 seems like a lot for a 9 year old.

[Anonymous]

I feel like any parent who harps on portion control and checking in on "are you sure you don't feel full" ends up with a kid who sneaks candy

I was this kid. As others have said, please STOP TALKING ABOUT IT and just provide healthy food. Leave it up to her as to quantity (1/2 can of beans for a 10 year old doesn't seem abnormal). Ask your family to put the candy bowl away when you visit.

Also, even if you're not talking about it, your child recognizes your glances and looks and sighs. I'm not saying you do this, but it's something to be aware of.

You all are making a big deal out of candy wrappers in the couch cushions and your child senses it and absorbs shame. Please stop. Just stop with the obsession.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was overweight and throughout my entire life she fat shamed me. I was never fit enough for her. No I wasn’t skinny- I developed curves etc. but I definitely was in great shape for most of my life. But she always made me feel fat because of her own issues. When I look at photos of my younger self I’m so upset - I wasn’t fat at all. So back off is my advice.

+1 my parents also made me feel fat as a kid and always talked about what I ate - but I look at pictures now and I wasn’t even the least bit chubby.

Same same!!! And NOW, I am fat. But I look at pictures and realize I was never overweight until college. I just identified as a fat kid starting around puberty. And I freaking wasn't!!! I always wondered why I never once got made fun of for being fat. Now I know.

Another person who was not fat in middle school or high school but I was made to feel fat by the family. When I look back at photos from that
era my weight was just right and in no way was I overweight at all. I actually had a good figure.

Me also! I think my first diet started at around age 13. If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself not to ever start dieting. It's been a non-stop yo yo ever since. I don't restrict anything in our house. I grew up that way and I swore I would never do that to my kids. I think it's more important to be active.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it seems like nobody understands that restricting usually leads to binging, weight gain, and self esteem issues, but I'm glad to see that most people on this thread do understand that! My heart goes out to those who have learned from personal experience thanks to well-intentioned but seriously misguided moms; I'm right there with you and I'm glad we can learn from their mistakes and do better with our kids.