Good provider, super attentive sexually, but not into the family -- what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I could "relate" to my kids when they were that age. Or after...
What does relating to your kids mean?

NP. Asking kids about their interests, having real conversations with them, understanding their likes and dislikes, being their friend more than just a parent, having inside jokes with them, genuinely enjoying being with them.

No offense, pp, but we don’t need to know what it means to you. We need to know what it means to the op. She started a thread and hasn’t come back at all, and somehow managed to get five pages of people arguing when we literally have no clue what’s going on in her family. Everyone is just inventing scenarios. Frankly, it’s kinda stupid.

She probably didn't come back because she realizes now how ridiculous she is being complaining about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My DH is extremely successful in his career and very tender towards me. We have a great sex life, and he is extremely attentive to my needs/desires. On the downside, he just can't relate to our relatively young kids (both under 5). I am worried that this is not going to work out long term. Any advice?

I had the same issue. He just was not good with especially the youngest kid. But oh, he knew how to make me feel good, so attentive. Difficult situation to navigate.

Not that difficult, c'mon. You take care of kids and let him take care of you.

Seriously. Will he do the family labor like pick up and drop off? Will he do game night every once in awhile? If you need support like a nanny or housekeeper, will he support it? Will he go to the soccer games?

"Can't relate to the kids" doesn't sound ideal but it also doesn't sound damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My DH is extremely successful in his career and very tender towards me. We have a great sex life, and he is extremely attentive to my needs/desires. On the downside, he just can't relate to our relatively young kids (both under 5). I am worried that this is not going to work out long term. Any advice?

With that success, can you hire a "man"ny/male au pair or have an uncle stay in a guest house/in-law suite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is not attentive to any of us. Consider yourself lucky. Also, your kids are very young. Things might change as they get older.

THIS!!!!!!!

+1M

You have too much time on your hands OP to look for problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My DH is extremely successful in his career and very tender towards me. We have a great sex life, and he is extremely attentive to my needs/desires. On the downside, he just can't relate to our relatively young kids (both under 5). I am worried that this is not going to work out long term. Any advice?

I had the same issue. He just was not good with especially the youngest kid. But oh, he knew how to make me feel good, so attentive. Difficult situation to navigate.

Not that difficult, c'mon. You take care of kids and let him take care of you.

Seriously. Will he do the family labor like pick up and drop off? Will he do game night every once in awhile? If you need support like a nanny or housekeeper, will he support it? Will he go to the soccer games?

"Can't relate to the kids" doesn't sound ideal but it also doesn't sound damaging.

I was a kid who always wondered if I did something wrong that my workaholic father would come home and just sit by himself and ignore us. It was my baseline: be ignored and it spoken to by Dad if he was home.

It was better when he wasn’t not physically home.
Mom stopped trying to get home involved or even chatting when home. He’d be grumpy and fight.
They divorced once we kids were all in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wait, are you the OP of the other thread about your surgeon husband who works "7 days a week", "hot sex" with you daily, yada yada, but can't be bothered with family/kids?

I think that thread was deleted because it was clearly a troll post?

Nope. Honest question on my part -- what should I do?

NP and not going to read so many posts so sorry if this repeats someone else but:

Some adults (men and women, too) are not great parents for younger kids. They just don't relate to little-kid thinking and play and activities. These same adults can be good or even great parents as kids get older and become more able to communicate and become -- to be blunt -- more interesting human beings to that parent. That could be your husband's case but the tricky thing is: You can't know that's the case, and neither can he, until the kids actually are older.

You need to talk to him and he needs to admit it if he finds them boring and frustrating at this age. It's OK for him to admit that; it's the truth for some parents and it's human! Then I'd ask him to commit to doing one activity per kid where HE and not you takes the kid every time and gets involved; something where he can meet other dads of kids this age could be good for him, too. No complaints, but he sucks up any boredom or frustration and pastes on a smile and supports the kid with zero grousing about the time he has to make to do this.

He does not have to do this all day, all week, but he does need to commit. And he needs to admit it if the issue is just that he prefers kids who are better able to communicate and who have "older" interests he can better share. (But still...he needs to put on the supportiveness anyway, for now.) He does not have to adore all the minutiae of young-kid stuff; he does not have to embrace Peppa Pig or dinosaurs or whatever as the greatest thing ever, but he does have to act supportive and DO something with his kids so you get breaks and he gets to know them. He also needs to hear that if he remains this disinterested as they get older, they'll notice it a lot more and he can't expect then that they'll really listen to him much.

This isn't divorce worthy at all to me, if he's otherwise kind to his children, frankly. But yeah, it's frustrating, and it's hard if you're the parent who mainly deals with all child things.

[Anonymous]

It’s a trollllll

[Anonymous]

Let him relate to them in his own/preferred way. (For example, taking them for nature walks, dancing around with them, etc. - whatever brings out that joy.)

I am not a little-baby-and-toddler person (and I'm the mom!). My DH gets frustrated sometimes when I say I'll get more into parenting when our kid gets older. But it's true. Some people are just not good at certain ages. A kindergarten teacher probably wouldn't make an ideal newborn nanny or college professor. As long as he's warm and loving, you need to just accept that this is not his favorite season of childrearing.

[Anonymous]

This is a troll post. How is everyone not seeing that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a troll post. How is everyone not seeing that?

I am

[Anonymous]

Most men are not so into kids under 5, or kids in general. Happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My DH is extremely successful in his career and very tender towards me. We have a great sex life, and he is extremely attentive to my needs/desires. On the downside, he just can't relate to our relatively young kids (both under 5). I am worried that this is not going to work out long term. Any advice?

I had the same issue. He just was not good with especially the youngest kid. But oh, he knew how to make me feel good, so attentive. Difficult situation to navigate.

Not that difficult, c'mon. You take care of kids and let him take care of you.

This

[Anonymous]

I had a rough time with my children until they could be reasoned with, that happened around six or seven and I love hanging out with them now that they are in their early teens. But I would have skipped the toddler years if I had the option.

You knew this about him, I’m positive when you were dating you saw him either interact or completely avoid babies, am I right?

You sound like you have a nice life, stop looking for trouble; when your kids are a lot less annoying he will likely come around as I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him relate to them in his own/preferred way. (For example, taking them for nature walks, dancing around with them, etc. - whatever brings out that joy.)

I am not a little-baby-and-toddler person (and I'm the mom!). My DH gets frustrated sometimes when I say I'll get more into parenting when our kid gets older. But it's true. Some people are just not good at certain ages. A kindergarten teacher probably wouldn't make an ideal newborn nanny or college professor. As long as he's warm and loving, you need to just accept that this is not his favorite season of childrearing.

Re: The bold, asking seriously and not snarkily, PP: If your kid is still in the young stage, how do you know for sure that you will get more into parenting when he or she gets older? That can depend a lot on the child's personality, not just age. Do you have good relationships with older nieces and nephews or whatever, making you feel confident you'll "get more into parenting" in an undefined future? Becuase we say on these threads that "the parent just isn't liking/isn't great at the baby stage/toddler stage/kindergarten stage and things will change," but what if things don't change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My DH is extremely successful in his career and very tender towards me. We have a great sex life, and he is extremely attentive to my needs/desires. On the downside, he just can't relate to our relatively young kids (both under 5). I am worried that this is not going to work out long term. Any advice?

Its not like kids would be better off if you left him. Just mention it to him why its important for him and kids to have one on one time with each other.