Good provider, super attentive sexually, but not into the family -- what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not find my DH attractive if he failed to nurture our children.
Why does DH believe that he shouldn't have to care for his own children? That all he should be doing is working and earning $$$, and have his sexual needs cared for by his wife?
Are you married to an NBA player?

They listened to Laura.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1035963.page

[Anonymous]

My kid was terrible with young children, including ours. He just did not find them cute or interesting, felt exhausted and bored being around their chaos and loudness for more than short stints. Now that they're older, he's a very good, involved dad.

So I'd take a wait-and-see approach, OP. Some men are just not that into little kids, but come around once they develop shared interests, can have engaging conversations etc.

[Anonymous]

^^DH not kid obviously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do we even know what OP means when she says her DH can't connect with the kids? How does this present? What are the kids' reactions? Without this information, everyone is just jumping to crazy conclusions.

I think it’s a troll post

[Anonymous]

Stop giving these men a pass just because they're men and don't like little kids. It's not an excuse. Caring for your own children and engaging with them is not optional.

How many moms just suck it up when they're bored, super tired, just not feeling like playing XYZ for the kajillionth time but engage with their children anyway?! God, I know I have, and I did it because I'm their mom. It can be boring as hell, but you do it because it's your duty as a parent. And yes, I have a full-time career, just like my husband. It's called being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop giving these men a pass just because they're men and don't like little kids. It's not an excuse. Caring for your own children and engaging with them is not optional.

How many moms just suck it up when they're bored, super tired, just not feeling like playing XYZ for the kajillionth time but engage with their children anyway?! God, I know I have, and I did it because I'm their mom. It can be boring as hell, but you do it because it's your duty as a parent. And yes, I have a full-time career, just like my husband. It's called being a parent.

I wonder how these men would react if a subordinate said "I'm not really naturally gifted at this project and it's just not my thing, I'm just going to let somebody else take care of it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex? Check.
Attentive? Check.
Provider? Check.
Not into his own young kids? Like 9 out of 10 guyes. But, no doubt, op will find that one in a million guy who will be just as good to her as her DH and will be so into her kids like their own dad is not!
Oh, and probably will be a pe*o too!

9 out of 10 guys are not into their own kids?! Not even close. I don't disagree it is common, but maybe 4 out of 10.

Maybe I am just forgetting the younger years??? My kids are 9 and 11 and all the dads seem very into their kids.

I think you are forgetting or you had the rare exception. My DH loves our kids, always loved them, slept with DD 3 nights per week, or rather didn't sleep BCS she had terrible GERD, and he worked. But, attentive during the day in activities and baby and toddler crafts? Absolutely not.
Yet, he is the best dad ever right now and was ever since they were around 4 and 6.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I could "relate" to my kids when they were that age. Or after...
What does relating to your kids mean?

[Anonymous]

This seems like a troll post - it sounds like it is written by a man who thinks because he's a good provider and he assumes he's good in bed that he has a free pass out of the hard parts of raising his children while they are young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My DH is extremely successful in his career and very tender towards me. We have a great sex life, and he is extremely attentive to my needs/desires. On the downside, he just can't relate to our relatively young kids (both under 5). I am worried that this is not going to work out long term. Any advice?

I had two parents who didn't know how to relate to kids and I turned out ok.
If you are happy, then why not put in the effort to teach him how to relate to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop giving these men a pass just because they're men and don't like little kids. It's not an excuse. Caring for your own children and engaging with them is not optional.

How many moms just suck it up when they're bored, super tired, just not feeling like playing XYZ for the kajillionth time but engage with their children anyway?! God, I know I have, and I did it because I'm their mom. It can be boring as hell, but you do it because it's your duty as a parent. And yes, I have a full-time career, just like my husband. It's called being a parent.

+100. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid was terrible with young children, including ours. He just did not find them cute or interesting, felt exhausted and bored being around their chaos and loudness for more than short stints. Now that they're older, he's a very good, involved dad.

So I'd take a wait-and-see approach, OP. Some men are just not that into little kids, but come around once they develop shared interests, can have engaging conversations etc.

This. I've seen this many times.

And, like another PP said, do you really think you are going to find some magical unicorn (that is NOT married) that will be more into your kids than their own father? And he will be a good provider? And you will have hot sex? And he will actually want YOU?

[Anonymous]

I've known quite a few dads who weren't into their kids until they were a bit older, could talk, play sports with dad, run errands with dad, liked to watch movies, play legos, whatever. Some guys just don't like babies or toddlers.

As a female I was surprised at how much I didn't enjoy toddlers. I was a nanny throughout college and LOVED playing games, playgrounds and playing pretend. But with my own kids it was so so hard. I had 3 kids, struggled with being either pregnant or nursing the new baby nonstop and just didn't want to run around a playground (or couldn't!). They fought nonstop when I wanted to play cards or board games. Idk just something I've struggled with and I have wonderful kids.

DH on the other hand struggled with babies (they breastfed and were lumps). He adored them, but not to much to do with them. He absolutely loved playing with them as toddlers. Spent hours playing hide and go seek outside, playground fun, hiking, legos, magnatiles, marble runs, massive tents in my family room.

I wouldn't give up on your spouse. Plus, is a stepdad going to love your kids more than your spouse?! maybe 10% of stepdads are wonderful and super involved parents of step kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I could "relate" to my kids when they were that age. Or after...
What does relating to your kids mean?

NP. Asking kids about their interests, having real conversations with them, understanding their likes and dislikes, being their friend more than just a parent, having inside jokes with them, genuinely enjoying being with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I could "relate" to my kids when they were that age. Or after...
What does relating to your kids mean?

NP. Asking kids about their interests, having real conversations with them, understanding their likes and dislikes, being their friend more than just a parent, having inside jokes with them, genuinely enjoying being with them.

No offense, pp, but we don’t need to know what it means to you. We need to know what it means to the op. She started a thread and hasn’t come back at all, and somehow managed to get five pages of people arguing when we literally have no clue what’s going on in her family. Everyone is just inventing scenarios. Frankly, it’s kinda stupid.