Good provider, super attentive sexually, but not into the family -- what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wait, are you the OP of the other thread about your surgeon husband who works "7 days a week", "hot sex" with you daily, yada yada, but can't be bothered with family/kids?

I think that thread was deleted because it was clearly a troll post?

Nope. Honest question on my part -- what should I do?

This raises the fair question of how much we ladies are willing to look the other way if a guy really lights us up, even if they are not the perfect long-term match. I say a lot.

Wrong. A lot of men do not relate to little kids. She says her relationship with him is good. She needs to wait for kids to get older before jumping to conclusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a problem. Really. Do not blow up your marriage.

RIght? My SIL blew up her marriage, but her DH was no attention to her or the kids but was a good provider and sex was good too. She started playing these games, they are your kids too, sure, and she started going out during the separation, and drinking and ended up passing out on the grass in some park. And what did they do? Kids had no mom and no dad and ended up a real mess.
She has been with many guys since, married none of them, kids suffered immensely. I am not saying op will do the same. But, how is it being on her own any better for her or the kids? She will have no sex, he sounds attentive and loving to her as well, she will be on her own all the time with kids, in some other house, with maybe a parade of guys her kids will see. Dad will move on, find another woman, have kids with her.. and possibly have learned his lesson be an attentive dad to other kids he has! And op will have to watch and realize that her kids missed out and he is a loving dad to some other ids.
Grow up op, life is not a fairy tale. Make him into a better dad, many women had to do it. And if he can't be, hire a nanny, hire help you can afford, and realize this is "as good as it gets."
You sound so immature, no doubt you will fall for a serious abusive ass who will then become abusive to your kids.

I am the poster you responded to—and I believe OP is being silly.

But do not make assumptions about marriage and divorce. I am divorced. It was worth it. Her situation does not seem to be a real problem though. At all.

Btw. I had a no relationship, no sex marriage. Divorced women have no problem getting sex. Many divorced men do not want to remarry. I am very happy divorced. So you can lay off the assumptions.

That said, I would have loved to have OP’s marriage. She literally has no issues. Dad not that into little kids,
Who cares? That is common. Some men are hand off parents. Been like that forever. They have a good relationship—no reason to blow it up. She does not have real marital problems.

[Anonymous]

What would be the alternative OP? Find a guy who isn't crazy about your kids, and then your stuck with his. Not much is out there in terms of second marriages.

Some women don't have a choice due to abuse, cheating, etc. You don't have really any issues plus you can plan some family outings to involve him. It's pretty much a no brainer.

[Anonymous]

No man is going to be gaga over some other man’s kids. It’s way too late to rethink being married to the guy who is already the father of your children. It sucks that he’s not a very good dad and even if he likes the kids better when they’re older, they may not get over his earlier dismissiveness. Still, nothing to be done now. Not every problem as a solution.

[Anonymous]

I don't know your marriage and what will work for you. But I think that if this were to happen to me, I would find ways for your husband to spend time with his dad in a way that required the dad to be engaged (so not the playground where he can look at his phone). I'd have them go out for ice cream together, attend family dinners (use prompts for everyone to talk; we do the "rose, bud, thorn" thing that you about online), get DH involved in what the kid is interested in like a sport they can do one-one-one, have DH do nighty reading with the kid, choose books at the library with the kid, etc. I'd also have DH attend parent teacher conferences and pediatrician appointments.

It seems like a lot of work, but really this can just be thirty minutes a day (not including family dinner), plus an extra 30 on weekends. It's hard for somebody who isn't into kids to start wanting to spend time with somebody, but I think it's basically the same for any other relationship: generally speaking, the more you spend time and get to know somebody, the more you like them (assuming the person in question isn't a jerk).

Sometimes I don't want to do these things with my child (and in fact I really dislike reading with my kids so DH does that, but I do other things I don't like like shoot hoops), but it's just one of those you have to do as an adult that you don't really want to do sometimes.

[Anonymous]

My DH is not attentive to any of us. Consider yourself lucky. Also, your kids are very young. Things might change as they get older.

[Anonymous]

A lot of guys find babies and young kids perplexing, scary, annoying, and/ or boring. Once they can do sports and activities with them, they come along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is not attentive to any of us. Consider yourself lucky. Also, your kids are very young. Things might change as they get older.

THIS!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Does he pick up the slack in other household areas, not just bed? I’d be willing to wait for my kids to become more interesting to my partner (to be honest my own father liked me so much better once I could ski…) as long as I wasn’t stuck doing everything domestic because he wasn’t interested. I’m not interested in vacuuming either! So if he picks up more on the housework and logistics side I’d give him a break for not going 50/50 on childcare at this stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a problem. Really. Do not blow up your marriage.

It is difficult to explain the emotional long-term damage people can sustain when they have a parent who ignores them. As a young child I always felt that it was my fault my father didn’t like us. He didn’t know when our birthdays were, he never attended any events that were important to us, he never purchased a gift for us, and preferred to vacation without us. Particularly for young girls it’s important to have a father. My sister married very young to a man who is incredibly abusive. I think this is at least in part because she was looking for a father figure because even though we had a father in many ways we didn’t . Children usually feel that this is their fault and it’s because that they have done something wrong.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is he not doing that you expect him to? What would “being attentive to the kids” look like to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My DH is extremely successful in his career and very tender towards me. We have a great sex life, and he is extremely attentive to my needs/desires. On the downside, he just can't relate to our relatively young kids (both under 5). I am worried that this is not going to work out long term. Any advice?

Detach and build a big social and support network.

Detach and divorce.

Terrible environment for children- neglect is a form child abuse. Neglect of the mother as well is a form of emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is not attentive to any of us. Consider yourself lucky. Also, your kids are very young. Things might change as they get older.

THIS!!!!!!!

Things might change like as the kids start talking and demanding more he stonewalls and blows up on them, not just you?

#mentaldisorders
#personalitydisorders

And they don’t change, they get worse unless you totally ignore them. Great for kids, relationships, marriage. He’s prob a total jerk at work too but people follow the hierarchy or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is not attentive to any of us. Consider yourself lucky. Also, your kids are very young. Things might change as they get older.

THIS!!!!!!!

Things might change like as the kids start talking and demanding more he stonewalls and blows up on them, not just you?

#mentaldisorders
#personalitydisorders

And they don’t change, they get worse unless you totally ignore them. Great for kids, relationships, marriage. He’s prob a total jerk at work too but people follow the hierarchy or leave.

Op said nothing about him blowing up at her. In fact, she said the exact opposite, that he’s very tender towards her.

[Anonymous]

This is NBD with the ages involved. Unless he’s actively shoving them off his lap while shrieking “anathema”, the kids aren’t even going to remember. When they’re old enough to participate in some of dad’s interests, he’ll start coming around.

He may need a little nudging at first, but after the first couple times you ask him to take them mini-golfing/hiking/to kick a ball around or out for custard or burgers and shakes, he’ll get the hang of it. The trick is to wait until the kids are fully toilet independent and relatively good at emotional regulation, and to make sure the initial activities are stuff your husband would enjoy anyway.

If you want to goose the process a little, see if you can get him reminiscing about toys he played with as a kid. That almost always ends up with the guy trying to find something similar for his own kid and then a little bonding over it. Don’t bring up things DH did with his own dad unless you’re certain there are good memories there.