Long-term relationship after divorce going nowhere. What now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to the person directly above. I know exactly what you mean.

No. If your bond with your children is affected by the time you spend with your BOYFRIEND you have a problem.

Do you truly believe kids aren’t affected by parents dating?? You’re pretty much clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His own kids come first, as yours should come first for you. How come women with husbands are always complaining they cant juggle life but single moms have so much time they dont know what to do with?

Because in most divorces, Dad is legally responsible for the kids a few nights a week. And life is significantly easier without a deadbeat husband to care for/clean up after/work around.

Ain't that the truth. Despite having majority custody of my kids, my life is still infinitely easier than when I was married to dead weight who thought his only contribution to family life should be income.

Me too, with 70% custody of three kids.
Life is so much easier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP and am surprised people are still responding to this, but since you are, I will too!

-I was pretty up front in my first post that I never intended or wanted for him to stop going to Raleigh. Also, I would never move there. That would not be possible for me for many reasons. I think it's just that - like many of you - I didn't think this would be so much of a problem. When I had just gotten divorced, I was excited for alone time. Now, not so much.

-Yes, single moms do have a ton of time. It's exactly what the other poster said. The dads who never did anything are now forced to be dads. It's a weird dynamic in that when I do have my kids, I really struggle to manage everything by myself. There are so many situations that really do require two sets of hands, like when you have two birthday parties or two activities at the same time. I have more than I can handle. But when when they leave, boom. Nothing. I wish I could spread some of the busy-ness out but it doesn't work that way. Not like I can skip grocery shopping half the time or whatever. I am very intentional about trying to do as much as possible when my kids aren't with me, but there is only so much of that I can do.

-A whole bunch of you said to wait for three years. Well, okay - I can do that and I probably will. But I don't want to waste three years when I could be putting them towards a relationship with someone else. I also agree that this is not going to magically be okay. In some ways it could get worse as the older ones go to college, because they will be more dispersed geographically leading to more trips.

-I was typing too quickly and did not do a good job of explaining the time frame of the visits to Raleigh. Nothing sketchy is happening although I appreciate you guys looking out for me! Yes, I have seen the apartment =) I have a fixed 50/50 custody schedule with my children where we know in advance which days I will have them and so forth. His situation is more fluid because of his work. What I was trying to say is that he always schedules his trips to be gone during the weekend when I have my kids, and tries to prioritize being home during the weekend when I don't have my kids. But what that looks like on a weekly basis is different from week to week and month to month, depending on what his kids have going on and his own work commitments. Sometimes he will go down for Fri-Mon, other times Weds - Mon, other times Weds - Weds, etc. If he wants to catch a Friday night sports event he might come back here on a Saturday, even.

-Those of you who are not single really do not have any idea what it is like to be single during a pandemic. While married, I used to have a very busy life with volunteer commitments, regular drinks and dinners with friends, happy hours at work. All of that has completely stopped. This is not the single days of your 20s that you remember.

Yes, it's a hell of a lot better now than it was a year ago, but we are nowhere back to normal life from an "extracurricular activity" perspective, for lack of a better way to put it. When you combine that with the fact that all of my friends are married and have kids, and are with their own families on weekends save for sporadic moms nights out, it's just really lonely. And because of the lack of activity, nobody is meeting new people. I don't see anyone at work either because my entire office is WFH. If my boyfriend is gone while I don't have my kids, I usually will not see another human being that day except for strangers at Starbucks. Even when I do have my kids, I don't really see other adults. Our weekends used to be full of kid stuff and a lot of this has dried up too.

- I did think the therapist thing was strange and I appreciate the validation.

Hm. Something about this doesn't sit right with me. What is his relationship with his exW? Is he jerking her around with this "fluid" custody schedule based on his work schedule and needs/wants? What about exW and her schedule? Also, why is he in the DC area and his kids are in Raleigh? I obviously have no insight into the details at all, but my initial feeling is "red flag".

You have a fixed custody schedule and both you and exH can plan your lives with consistency. But I'm really wondering what is going on with your BF's situation and his exW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to the person directly above. I know exactly what you mean.

No. If your bond with your children is affected by the time you spend with your BOYFRIEND you have a problem.

Do you truly believe kids aren’t affected by parents dating?? You’re pretty much clueless.

There is no human on earth who could alter the bond I have with my children. Admitting that you only have that strong bond because you can't see your boyfriend as much as you like? That means your kids aren't your priority, your relationship is.

[Anonymous]

Did OP say how old she was and how old her kids are?

Why not get a hobby? Do a sport? Go to the gym? Take a yoga class.

I’m not friends with them but I go to Orangetheory regularly. I go almost daily. I meet up with friends at least twice a week. I don’t see why you can’t make some new friends or start some new hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to the person directly above. I know exactly what you mean.

No. If your bond with your children is affected by the time you spend with your BOYFRIEND you have a problem.

Do you truly believe kids aren’t affected by parents dating?? You’re pretty much clueless.

There is no human on earth who could alter the bond I have with my children. Admitting that you only have that strong bond because you can't see your boyfriend as much as you like? That means your kids aren't your priority, your relationship is.

I think what's really difficult about single/divorced parent dating is that in a healthy marriage, the realtionship is also the first priority. So you have to somehow replicate that without actually shortchanging your kids. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a relationship since my divorce with an amazing guy who commutes to Raleigh every other weekend to be with his teenage children (he has a place there). Well, the trips are centered around the weekend but they usually last 5-7 days at a time. When the kids are on school breaks they come here.

I have 50% custody of my two young children and we do our best to line up the kid weekends to align so we get the off weekends together. And that time is AMAZING. I think “how could I ever leave this guy” - we are so perfect together in so many ways. And I genuinely admire that he is such a great dad. I would never want him to stop going to Raleigh to see his kids.

But this is not what I want in a relationship. I want someone who will be present most weekends, not just every other- I am so damn lonely sometimes. It is hard being solo with my two when they go to bed by 8 and I’m stuck at home alone until I go to bed. It’s even harder when there’s a special event that means that one of us needs to shift our schedules, if we miss one of our weekends we go a four week stretch. This has been going on for almost two years now.

I am in a no win situation. My therapist suggested I start going on dates with other guys when he is gone - when I don’t have my kids, obviously, like on a Thursday night or whatever - just to see how that feels for me. I have liked zero of them. This makes me feel worse, because if I do break up with someone I love because of wanting more from a partner, and then I can’t find a single guy I even like enough to go on a second date with. that would be awful.

What do I do? I really don’t know what to do. Should I stay and have these great times along with the loneliness or do I leave in hopes of finding a second chance at a true partnership that may not exist?

Op, you are in dilemma which is normal when you have to make difficult choices.

Second, your therapist is not a professional who is telling you to cheat if it is against your values. This would get you in more emotional trouble with yourself so please don't do that and check everything before adopting what this therapist says,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to the person directly above. I know exactly what you mean.

No. If your bond with your children is affected by the time you spend with your BOYFRIEND you have a problem.

Do you truly believe kids aren’t affected by parents dating?? You’re pretty much clueless.

There is no human on earth who could alter the bond I have with my children. Admitting that you only have that strong bond because you can't see your boyfriend as much as you like? That means your kids aren't your priority, your relationship is.

You’re refusing to hear what’s truly being said. Go along now. The person you’re replying to clearly stated her bond (and bond can have many interpretations) is stronger because her relationship didn’t become front and center.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to the person directly above. I know exactly what you mean.

No. If your bond with your children is affected by the time you spend with your BOYFRIEND you have a problem.

Do you truly believe kids aren’t affected by parents dating?? You’re pretty much clueless.

There is no human on earth who could alter the bond I have with my children. Admitting that you only have that strong bond because you can't see your boyfriend as much as you like? That means your kids aren't your priority, your relationship is.

You’re refusing to hear what’s truly being said. Go along now. The person you’re replying to clearly stated her bond (and bond can have many interpretations) is stronger because her relationship didn’t become front and center.

I know exactly what she's saying. It's horrible. She's saying there was the possibility of her relationship being front and center, but because of circumstances it didn't. Not that she chose for it to come second, that wasn't her choice. Truly selfish and horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP and am surprised people are still responding to this, but since you are, I will too!

-I was pretty up front in my first post that I never intended or wanted for him to stop going to Raleigh. Also, I would never move there. That would not be possible for me for many reasons. I think it's just that - like many of you - I didn't think this would be so much of a problem. When I had just gotten divorced, I was excited for alone time. Now, not so much.

-Yes, single moms do have a ton of time. It's exactly what the other poster said. The dads who never did anything are now forced to be dads. It's a weird dynamic in that when I do have my kids, I really struggle to manage everything by myself. There are so many situations that really do require two sets of hands, like when you have two birthday parties or two activities at the same time. I have more than I can handle. But when when they leave, boom. Nothing. I wish I could spread some of the busy-ness out but it doesn't work that way. Not like I can skip grocery shopping half the time or whatever. I am very intentional about trying to do as much as possible when my kids aren't with me, but there is only so much of that I can do.

-A whole bunch of you said to wait for three years. Well, okay - I can do that and I probably will. But I don't want to waste three years when I could be putting them towards a relationship with someone else. I also agree that this is not going to magically be okay. In some ways it could get worse as the older ones go to college, because they will be more dispersed geographically leading to more trips.

-I was typing too quickly and did not do a good job of explaining the time frame of the visits to Raleigh. Nothing sketchy is happening although I appreciate you guys looking out for me! Yes, I have seen the apartment =) I have a fixed 50/50 custody schedule with my children where we know in advance which days I will have them and so forth. His situation is more fluid because of his work. What I was trying to say is that he always schedules his trips to be gone during the weekend when I have my kids, and tries to prioritize being home during the weekend when I don't have my kids. But what that looks like on a weekly basis is different from week to week and month to month, depending on what his kids have going on and his own work commitments. Sometimes he will go down for Fri-Mon, other times Weds - Mon, other times Weds - Weds, etc. If he wants to catch a Friday night sports event he might come back here on a Saturday, even.

-Those of you who are not single really do not have any idea what it is like to be single during a pandemic. While married, I used to have a very busy life with volunteer commitments, regular drinks and dinners with friends, happy hours at work. All of that has completely stopped. This is not the single days of your 20s that you remember.

Yes, it's a hell of a lot better now than it was a year ago, but we are nowhere back to normal life from an "extracurricular activity" perspective, for lack of a better way to put it. When you combine that with the fact that all of my friends are married and have kids, and are with their own families on weekends save for sporadic moms nights out, it's just really lonely. And because of the lack of activity, nobody is meeting new people. I don't see anyone at work either because my entire office is WFH. If my boyfriend is gone while I don't have my kids, I usually will not see another human being that day except for strangers at Starbucks. Even when I do have my kids, I don't really see other adults. Our weekends used to be full of kid stuff and a lot of this has dried up too.

- I did think the therapist thing was strange and I appreciate the validation.

Sounds like your issue is a pandemic problem, not a BF problem. That is if you truly desire a full life outside of him like the kind you describe above. I know this because I am in a similar situation in my LDR. It's been going on for 3 years. But I almost never feel lonely when we are apart and I don't have my kids because I have friends (even married ones do things with other friends), I hit the gym, hobbies, and community activities. If this stuff isn't happening there I guess it could be more isolating, but I suspect you are not making a real effort to find those things. Is the world really that 'closed up' and 'dried up' in the DMV even now? I live in Texas and it's not like that here at all.

[Anonymous]

You just have to find likeminded friends. I do think most people are going out. January was a bit like going back to March 2020 where we stayed home but we are mostly back to normal or the new summer/fall 2021 normal. I am meeting friends for dinner, going to Orangetheory, running errands, etc.

Pick up a hobby. Everything is open. If your friends don’t want to do it, sign up by yourself. Maybe you will make some new friends.

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier, I was one of the ones who told you your therapist was nuts, and I am the poster that asked if you had the skill set to have healthy relationship with children in the mix. I’m posting again, I’m in the camp that isn’t convinced your boyfriend doesn’t have a family as in a wife in Raleigh. His schedule fits more with “gott go home and see the wife and kids” then work.

Think about it, he could be consistent before you became his girlfriend and now you have to put up with a “flexible” schedule? Why? Work isn’t the answer, he’s just a line he is feeding you.

As for you, what happened to your happy hours and volunteering? It’s not March 2020 anymore, volunteer orgs love single people, a little too much because they need to count on their volunteers and you don’t have a local boyfriend or husband who says “There’s a play I’d love to see with you this weekend, tell the organization you won’t be there.. it is after all a volunteer position”.
It’s strange that every single one of your social outlets would just go away even with covid.

It’s also strange that you can’t manage your kids well, if two events at the same time is difficult for you, don’t schedule two events at the same time, i.e. “just say no” to two birthday parties happening at the same time.. which is also strange, how do you get two birthday parties at the same time but a total lack of your former happening adult social life? Something isn’t adding up here and I can’t quite put my finger on it especially when you use an argument that people can’t refute.. “unless you’r ea single parent, you can’t understand”. Why not? It’s like you’re hiding something or knowingly engaging in bad behavior and then telling people they just don’t and can’t understand.
Good luck, op, date others if you like, though I’d advise ending it with your boyfriend before you do. I also wonder why you’d not ever move to Raleigh or even consider it since you seem to love your boyfriend so much. Raleigh is a nice city, nice climate, jobs, nice houses and as your boyfriend has demonstrated, close enough to D.C. to get back here for a random sporting event on Friday. Nothing saying he can’t have you and the kids hop in the car with him and head back here.. unless he doesn’t want to. How does that work though, he has to be “flexible” with you, but he has enough stability to plan and buy sports tickets and allow for travel time? Something is up here.

[Anonymous]

How is it that OP can't go to the gym, volunteer, meet up with friends to abate her part time loneliness "because COVID", but the idea of meeting new and strange men online is no problem.

Of course, do what works. Keep the guy, ditch the guy. The pandemic is only a small part of the puzzle.