Long-term relationship after divorce going nowhere. What now?

[Anonymous]

I just find it odd, you have a job, a household and children to take care of. You have a consistent relationship, even if part time, to tend to. You probably have some family or friends as well. I don't understand why you can't use these few waking hours to chill and pamper yourself and do things you enjoy.

I think you aren't secure about this relationship and sort of resent having a divided man who is not officially committed or taken real interest in your family life. If that's the case, either wait few years or find a committed partner who can be a father to your kids and a full time partner to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, your loneliness is a not-full-enough life. It's not that this should be about him. Instead, better yourself. Find other purpose. Other pursuits and other ways to be around people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your loneliness is a not-full-enough life. It's not that this should be about him. Instead, better yourself. Find other purpose. Other pursuits and other ways to be around people.

Agree with this. OP, you shouldn't depend on one person to fulfill all of your needs. As many have said, expand your interests, see friends, take a class, work out, etc. It's up to you to put something more into your life, not his. Even if you were married, do you expect him to be with you 24x7? Will you be comfortable with him spending time with his friends, kids, family? If you can't do any of these things, please break up with him and find someone who'll fulfill your needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move to Raleigh.

probably not workable in her custody arrangement

[Anonymous]

He hasn't officially committed to anything yet, he doesn't live with you, he isn't your husband, he isn't the father of your children. If he wanted to be that person, he would've made more effort.

He sounds great as a dating partner but nothing more. At least not for next 3-4 years. If its worth it for you, wait. If not, have a discussion with him before you starts seeing other people.

[Anonymous]

another vote here for the double life/ other woman in NC. How do these days add up? He leaves on a Friday and is not back until Wednesday? If that is the consistent pattern what exactly is happening down there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just find it odd, you have a job, a household and children to take care of. You have a consistent relationship, even if part time, to tend to. You probably have some family or friends as well. I don't understand why you can't use these few waking hours to chill and pamper yourself and do things you enjoy.

I think you aren't secure about this relationship and sort of resent having a divided man who is not officially committed or taken real interest in your family life. If that's the case, either wait few years or find a committed partner who can be a father to your kids and a full time partner to you.

Not many step parents are interested in or are capable of being parents to kids they arent biologically connected to or are responsible for. Its a sad reality. Heck, even lots of biological parents can't.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to learn to be happy by yourself before you can truly be happy with someone else.

And I also think you can't judge real long-term potential (marriage, blending families, etc) based on two weekends a month. You're basically just dating, not building a relationship. Of course it's wonderful.

Finally, leaving this guy out of it, what is your end game? Remarriage? More children? A partner who lives elsewhere? A long-term boyfriend? Sex/companionship when you don't have kids? Figure that out and date intentionally for what you want.

[Anonymous]

His own kids come first, as yours should come first for you. How come women with husbands are always complaining they cant juggle life but single moms have so much time they dont know what to do with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His own kids come first, as yours should come first for you. How come women with husbands are always complaining they cant juggle life but single moms have so much time they dont know what to do with?

Because in most divorces, Dad is legally responsible for the kids a few nights a week. And life is significantly easier without a deadbeat husband to care for/clean up after/work around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His own kids come first, as yours should come first for you. How come women with husbands are always complaining they cant juggle life but single moms have so much time they dont know what to do with?

Because in most divorces, Dad is legally responsible for the kids a few nights a week. And life is significantly easier without a deadbeat husband to care for/clean up after/work around.

Ain't that the truth. Despite having majority custody of my kids, my life is still infinitely easier than when I was married to dead weight who thought his only contribution to family life should be income.

[Anonymous]

It gets better when teenagers get older, but there's still college visits and vacations and all kinds of opportunities for non-integration, so I don't think it's a good idea to assume that if you just wait 3.5 years, everything will work out. If he's happy with the way things are and you are not, I would try to address it now, and if you can't, the move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It gets better when teenagers get older, but there's still college visits and vacations and all kinds of opportunities for non-integration, so I don't think it's a good idea to assume that if you just wait 3.5 years, everything will work out. If he's happy with the way things are and you are not, I would try to address it now, and if you can't, the move on.

very true, yes the 18 year old kid can get a job and be ok for one or two nights of you being away but its not like they just leave the nest and the parent has nothing that needs to be done

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your therapist basically recommended that you cheat? find a new therapist first.

+1000

My exact thought! Unless they're not exclusive after 2 years? Which would also be weird.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all the replies but your post resonated with me because I am in a similar relationship. But I have come around to like it and appreciate it for what it is. Yes, I'd love more but I am learning to love my time without him. I've developed a bond with my own kids that would not be possible if things were different. He has his family and I have mine and we do stuff together but we mostly focucs on our own kids while knowing we have our time to look forward to. Granted my bf doesn't have to go to NC so I do see him significantly more than every other weekend but i do sleep alone most of the month. I am alone after those long gruelling kid days.
I've come around to appreciating this. We aren't bogged down in the details of every day household running. It's special.