Long-term relationship after divorce going nowhere. What now?

[Anonymous]

Your problem is not the guy, the relationship, or the kids. It's you not being able to solve your own loneliness. The solution is NOT to have someone around all or most of the time. It's to be able to be comfortable with yourself alone and have enough things to do that you are peacefully content.

I'm talking reading, TV, hobbies, classes, napping, listening to music, going out to concerts, movies, plays, etc. by yourself or with friends or how about with your kids! The hours after the kids go to bed only add up to a few each day and you can't fill that without feeling lonely?

Feeling lonely a bit is normal, not being able to counteract it and feel okay with yourself is what you need to work on.

I agree. And, you need to dump the therapist who suggested you cheat.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP and am surprised people are still responding to this, but since you are, I will too!

-I was pretty up front in my first post that I never intended or wanted for him to stop going to Raleigh. Also, I would never move there. That would not be possible for me for many reasons. I think it's just that - like many of you - I didn't think this would be so much of a problem. When I had just gotten divorced, I was excited for alone time. Now, not so much.

-Yes, single moms do have a ton of time. It's exactly what the other poster said. The dads who never did anything are now forced to be dads. It's a weird dynamic in that when I do have my kids, I really struggle to manage everything by myself. There are so many situations that really do require two sets of hands, like when you have two birthday parties or two activities at the same time. I have more than I can handle. But when when they leave, boom. Nothing. I wish I could spread some of the busy-ness out but it doesn't work that way. Not like I can skip grocery shopping half the time or whatever. I am very intentional about trying to do as much as possible when my kids aren't with me, but there is only so much of that I can do.

-A whole bunch of you said to wait for three years. Well, okay - I can do that and I probably will. But I don't want to waste three years when I could be putting them towards a relationship with someone else. I also agree that this is not going to magically be okay. In some ways it could get worse as the older ones go to college, because they will be more dispersed geographically leading to more trips.

-I was typing too quickly and did not do a good job of explaining the time frame of the visits to Raleigh. Nothing sketchy is happening although I appreciate you guys looking out for me! Yes, I have seen the apartment =) I have a fixed 50/50 custody schedule with my children where we know in advance which days I will have them and so forth. His situation is more fluid because of his work. What I was trying to say is that he always schedules his trips to be gone during the weekend when I have my kids, and tries to prioritize being home during the weekend when I don't have my kids. But what that looks like on a weekly basis is different from week to week and month to month, depending on what his kids have going on and his own work commitments. Sometimes he will go down for Fri-Mon, other times Weds - Mon, other times Weds - Weds, etc. If he wants to catch a Friday night sports event he might come back here on a Saturday, even.

-Those of you who are not single really do not have any idea what it is like to be single during a pandemic. While married, I used to have a very busy life with volunteer commitments, regular drinks and dinners with friends, happy hours at work. All of that has completely stopped. This is not the single days of your 20s that you remember.

Yes, it's a hell of a lot better now than it was a year ago, but we are nowhere back to normal life from an "extracurricular activity" perspective, for lack of a better way to put it. When you combine that with the fact that all of my friends are married and have kids, and are with their own families on weekends save for sporadic moms nights out, it's just really lonely. And because of the lack of activity, nobody is meeting new people. I don't see anyone at work either because my entire office is WFH. If my boyfriend is gone while I don't have my kids, I usually will not see another human being that day except for strangers at Starbucks. Even when I do have my kids, I don't really see other adults. Our weekends used to be full of kid stuff and a lot of this has dried up too.

- I did think the therapist thing was strange and I appreciate the validation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP and am surprised people are still responding to this, but since you are, I will too!

-I was pretty up front in my first post that I never intended or wanted for him to stop going to Raleigh. Also, I would never move there. That would not be possible for me for many reasons. I think it's just that - like many of you - I didn't think this would be so much of a problem. When I had just gotten divorced, I was excited for alone time. Now, not so much.

-Yes, single moms do have a ton of time. It's exactly what the other poster said. The dads who never did anything are now forced to be dads. It's a weird dynamic in that when I do have my kids, I really struggle to manage everything by myself. There are so many situations that really do require two sets of hands, like when you have two birthday parties or two activities at the same time. I have more than I can handle. But when when they leave, boom. Nothing. I wish I could spread some of the busy-ness out but it doesn't work that way. Not like I can skip grocery shopping half the time or whatever. I am very intentional about trying to do as much as possible when my kids aren't with me, but there is only so much of that I can do.

-A whole bunch of you said to wait for three years. Well, okay - I can do that and I probably will. But I don't want to waste three years when I could be putting them towards a relationship with someone else. I also agree that this is not going to magically be okay. In some ways it could get worse as the older ones go to college, because they will be more dispersed geographically leading to more trips.

-I was typing too quickly and did not do a good job of explaining the time frame of the visits to Raleigh. Nothing sketchy is happening although I appreciate you guys looking out for me! Yes, I have seen the apartment =) I have a fixed 50/50 custody schedule with my children where we know in advance which days I will have them and so forth. His situation is more fluid because of his work. What I was trying to say is that he always schedules his trips to be gone during the weekend when I have my kids, and tries to prioritize being home during the weekend when I don't have my kids. But what that looks like on a weekly basis is different from week to week and month to month, depending on what his kids have going on and his own work commitments. Sometimes he will go down for Fri-Mon, other times Weds - Mon, other times Weds - Weds, etc. If he wants to catch a Friday night sports event he might come back here on a Saturday, even.

-Those of you who are not single really do not have any idea what it is like to be single during a pandemic. While married, I used to have a very busy life with volunteer commitments, regular drinks and dinners with friends, happy hours at work. All of that has completely stopped. This is not the single days of your 20s that you remember.

Yes, it's a hell of a lot better now than it was a year ago, but we are nowhere back to normal life from an "extracurricular activity" perspective, for lack of a better way to put it. When you combine that with the fact that all of my friends are married and have kids, and are with their own families on weekends save for sporadic moms nights out, it's just really lonely. And because of the lack of activity, nobody is meeting new people. I don't see anyone at work either because my entire office is WFH. If my boyfriend is gone while I don't have my kids, I usually will not see another human being that day except for strangers at Starbucks. Even when I do have my kids, I don't really see other adults. Our weekends used to be full of kid stuff and a lot of this has dried up too.

- I did think the therapist thing was strange and I appreciate the validation.

Nice response OP not sure if we are helping much. I posted about possible shenanigans so if you have ruled that out thats good. It seems like your just still adjusting to the whole thing and having the kids gone and BF gone at same time is too much for you. Some of your posts seems to lean toward you may not be totally in love with him just my read on it. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP and am surprised people are still responding to this, but since you are, I will too!

-I was pretty up front in my first post that I never intended or wanted for him to stop going to Raleigh. Also, I would never move there. That would not be possible for me for many reasons. I think it's just that - like many of you - I didn't think this would be so much of a problem. When I had just gotten divorced, I was excited for alone time. Now, not so much.

-Yes, single moms do have a ton of time. It's exactly what the other poster said. The dads who never did anything are now forced to be dads. It's a weird dynamic in that when I do have my kids, I really struggle to manage everything by myself. There are so many situations that really do require two sets of hands, like when you have two birthday parties or two activities at the same time. I have more than I can handle. But when when they leave, boom. Nothing. I wish I could spread some of the busy-ness out but it doesn't work that way. Not like I can skip grocery shopping half the time or whatever. I am very intentional about trying to do as much as possible when my kids aren't with me, but there is only so much of that I can do.

-A whole bunch of you said to wait for three years. Well, okay - I can do that and I probably will. But I don't want to waste three years when I could be putting them towards a relationship with someone else. I also agree that this is not going to magically be okay. In some ways it could get worse as the older ones go to college, because they will be more dispersed geographically leading to more trips.

-I was typing too quickly and did not do a good job of explaining the time frame of the visits to Raleigh. Nothing sketchy is happening although I appreciate you guys looking out for me! Yes, I have seen the apartment =) I have a fixed 50/50 custody schedule with my children where we know in advance which days I will have them and so forth. His situation is more fluid because of his work. What I was trying to say is that he always schedules his trips to be gone during the weekend when I have my kids, and tries to prioritize being home during the weekend when I don't have my kids. But what that looks like on a weekly basis is different from week to week and month to month, depending on what his kids have going on and his own work commitments. Sometimes he will go down for Fri-Mon, other times Weds - Mon, other times Weds - Weds, etc. If he wants to catch a Friday night sports event he might come back here on a Saturday, even.

-Those of you who are not single really do not have any idea what it is like to be single during a pandemic. While married, I used to have a very busy life with volunteer commitments, regular drinks and dinners with friends, happy hours at work. All of that has completely stopped. This is not the single days of your 20s that you remember.

Yes, it's a hell of a lot better now than it was a year ago, but we are nowhere back to normal life from an "extracurricular activity" perspective, for lack of a better way to put it. When you combine that with the fact that all of my friends are married and have kids, and are with their own families on weekends save for sporadic moms nights out, it's just really lonely. And because of the lack of activity, nobody is meeting new people. I don't see anyone at work either because my entire office is WFH. If my boyfriend is gone while I don't have my kids, I usually will not see another human being that day except for strangers at Starbucks. Even when I do have my kids, I don't really see other adults. Our weekends used to be full of kid stuff and a lot of this has dried up too.

- I did think the therapist thing was strange and I appreciate the validation.

OP you are not alone in this situation. I am a single parent and days can go by without me seeing a single adult also. But I don't focus on that. I have a wonderful boyfriend. He's there even when we can't physically be together. I focus on my work and my kids. I work out. It does have a "lonely" aspect to it but I dont dwell on it. My kids keep me very busy. We have a good relationship. My daughter (12yrs) is almost old enough to be excellent company (we go on lots of walks together) and the younger one is just hilarious. I like the dynamic of the three of us now more than ever. I most definitely need two sets of hands because they're both in travel sports but I am most certainly not in it with my boyfriend for the help. I have carpools for that. He has his own kids to worry about and I like that about him. What I am trying to get across is that I didn't always like this arrangement but now I do. He often comes and works from home from my house, he'll come to my kids games, we go to his house for dinner when schedule permits but for the most part we maintain our own space/families and there are many days we don't see one another. It's beautiful because it's not complicated or weighed down by the day to day stuff of blended families. Maybe you'll find peace in it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP and am surprised people are still responding to this, but since you are, I will too!

-I was pretty up front in my first post that I never intended or wanted for him to stop going to Raleigh. Also, I would never move there. That would not be possible for me for many reasons. I think it's just that - like many of you - I didn't think this would be so much of a problem. When I had just gotten divorced, I was excited for alone time. Now, not so much.

-Yes, single moms do have a ton of time. It's exactly what the other poster said. The dads who never did anything are now forced to be dads. It's a weird dynamic in that when I do have my kids, I really struggle to manage everything by myself. There are so many situations that really do require two sets of hands, like when you have two birthday parties or two activities at the same time. I have more than I can handle. But when when they leave, boom. Nothing. I wish I could spread some of the busy-ness out but it doesn't work that way. Not like I can skip grocery shopping half the time or whatever. I am very intentional about trying to do as much as possible when my kids aren't with me, but there is only so much of that I can do.

-A whole bunch of you said to wait for three years. Well, okay - I can do that and I probably will. But I don't want to waste three years when I could be putting them towards a relationship with someone else. I also agree that this is not going to magically be okay. In some ways it could get worse as the older ones go to college, because they will be more dispersed geographically leading to more trips.

-I was typing too quickly and did not do a good job of explaining the time frame of the visits to Raleigh. Nothing sketchy is happening although I appreciate you guys looking out for me! Yes, I have seen the apartment =) I have a fixed 50/50 custody schedule with my children where we know in advance which days I will have them and so forth. His situation is more fluid because of his work. What I was trying to say is that he always schedules his trips to be gone during the weekend when I have my kids, and tries to prioritize being home during the weekend when I don't have my kids. But what that looks like on a weekly basis is different from week to week and month to month, depending on what his kids have going on and his own work commitments. Sometimes he will go down for Fri-Mon, other times Weds - Mon, other times Weds - Weds, etc. If he wants to catch a Friday night sports event he might come back here on a Saturday, even.

-Those of you who are not single really do not have any idea what it is like to be single during a pandemic. While married, I used to have a very busy life with volunteer commitments, regular drinks and dinners with friends, happy hours at work. All of that has completely stopped. This is not the single days of your 20s that you remember.

Yes, it's a hell of a lot better now than it was a year ago, but we are nowhere back to normal life from an "extracurricular activity" perspective, for lack of a better way to put it. When you combine that with the fact that all of my friends are married and have kids, and are with their own families on weekends save for sporadic moms nights out, it's just really lonely. And because of the lack of activity, nobody is meeting new people. I don't see anyone at work either because my entire office is WFH. If my boyfriend is gone while I don't have my kids, I usually will not see another human being that day except for strangers at Starbucks. Even when I do have my kids, I don't really see other adults. Our weekends used to be full of kid stuff and a lot of this has dried up too.

- I did think the therapist thing was strange and I appreciate the validation.

Interesting one line about the crackhead therapist. You thought it was strange yet you did it and went out on dates. I’m a single dad in your boat. I’ve gone many many weekends not interacting with another human being. Not even strangers at Starbucks. You just have to suck it up. It’s not justification for cheating. I think you should let this guy off the hook and end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:your therapist basically recommended that you cheat? find a new therapist first.

Seriously, that’s the worst advice ever. Ridiculous.

OP, you need a LIFE. A hobby. Some friends. A passion. I would LOVE your life and would treasure alone time for MY joys and passions. Stop relying on a man go fill your needs.

Life is short. What do you want to do or see or learn or be while you are here, aside from some dude’s company?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP and am surprised people are still responding to this, but since you are, I will too!

-I was pretty up front in my first post that I never intended or wanted for him to stop going to Raleigh. Also, I would never move there. That would not be possible for me for many reasons. I think it's just that - like many of you - I didn't think this would be so much of a problem. When I had just gotten divorced, I was excited for alone time. Now, not so much.

-Yes, single moms do have a ton of time. It's exactly what the other poster said. The dads who never did anything are now forced to be dads. It's a weird dynamic in that when I do have my kids, I really struggle to manage everything by myself. There are so many situations that really do require two sets of hands, like when you have two birthday parties or two activities at the same time. I have more than I can handle. But when when they leave, boom. Nothing. I wish I could spread some of the busy-ness out but it doesn't work that way. Not like I can skip grocery shopping half the time or whatever. I am very intentional about trying to do as much as possible when my kids aren't with me, but there is only so much of that I can do.

-A whole bunch of you said to wait for three years. Well, okay - I can do that and I probably will. But I don't want to waste three years when I could be putting them towards a relationship with someone else. I also agree that this is not going to magically be okay. In some ways it could get worse as the older ones go to college, because they will be more dispersed geographically leading to more trips.

-I was typing too quickly and did not do a good job of explaining the time frame of the visits to Raleigh. Nothing sketchy is happening although I appreciate you guys looking out for me! Yes, I have seen the apartment =) I have a fixed 50/50 custody schedule with my children where we know in advance which days I will have them and so forth. His situation is more fluid because of his work. What I was trying to say is that he always schedules his trips to be gone during the weekend when I have my kids, and tries to prioritize being home during the weekend when I don't have my kids. But what that looks like on a weekly basis is different from week to week and month to month, depending on what his kids have going on and his own work commitments. Sometimes he will go down for Fri-Mon, other times Weds - Mon, other times Weds - Weds, etc. If he wants to catch a Friday night sports event he might come back here on a Saturday, even.

-Those of you who are not single really do not have any idea what it is like to be single during a pandemic. While married, I used to have a very busy life with volunteer commitments, regular drinks and dinners with friends, happy hours at work. All of that has completely stopped. This is not the single days of your 20s that you remember.

Yes, it's a hell of a lot better now than it was a year ago, but we are nowhere back to normal life from an "extracurricular activity" perspective, for lack of a better way to put it. When you combine that with the fact that all of my friends are married and have kids, and are with their own families on weekends save for sporadic moms nights out, it's just really lonely. And because of the lack of activity, nobody is meeting new people. I don't see anyone at work either because my entire office is WFH. If my boyfriend is gone while I don't have my kids, I usually will not see another human being that day except for strangers at Starbucks. Even when I do have my kids, I don't really see other adults. Our weekends used to be full of kid stuff and a lot of this has dried up too.

- I did think the therapist thing was strange and I appreciate the validation.

Honestly OP I think you’ve answered your own question.

The fact that you’re even open to trying to date others, and have actively been dating others, also speaks volumes. I do agree with the PP’s thoug, you need to find something else to do with your time that doesn’t involve a man.

[Anonymous]

You need some other isht to do. THAT is the problem.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been doing something like this for 5 years. It was tough at first but then I found my groove and I love it. Another 4 years then we may move to the same place. Mixed feelings about that move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP and am surprised people are still responding to this, but since you are, I will too!

-I was pretty up front in my first post that I never intended or wanted for him to stop going to Raleigh. Also, I would never move there. That would not be possible for me for many reasons. I think it's just that - like many of you - I didn't think this would be so much of a problem. When I had just gotten divorced, I was excited for alone time. Now, not so much.

-Yes, single moms do have a ton of time. It's exactly what the other poster said. The dads who never did anything are now forced to be dads. It's a weird dynamic in that when I do have my kids, I really struggle to manage everything by myself. There are so many situations that really do require two sets of hands, like when you have two birthday parties or two activities at the same time. I have more than I can handle. But when when they leave, boom. Nothing. I wish I could spread some of the busy-ness out but it doesn't work that way. Not like I can skip grocery shopping half the time or whatever. I am very intentional about trying to do as much as possible when my kids aren't with me, but there is only so much of that I can do.

-A whole bunch of you said to wait for three years. Well, okay - I can do that and I probably will. But I don't want to waste three years when I could be putting them towards a relationship with someone else. I also agree that this is not going to magically be okay. In some ways it could get worse as the older ones go to college, because they will be more dispersed geographically leading to more trips.

-I was typing too quickly and did not do a good job of explaining the time frame of the visits to Raleigh. Nothing sketchy is happening although I appreciate you guys looking out for me! Yes, I have seen the apartment =) I have a fixed 50/50 custody schedule with my children where we know in advance which days I will have them and so forth. His situation is more fluid because of his work. What I was trying to say is that he always schedules his trips to be gone during the weekend when I have my kids, and tries to prioritize being home during the weekend when I don't have my kids. But what that looks like on a weekly basis is different from week to week and month to month, depending on what his kids have going on and his own work commitments. Sometimes he will go down for Fri-Mon, other times Weds - Mon, other times Weds - Weds, etc. If he wants to catch a Friday night sports event he might come back here on a Saturday, even.

-Those of you who are not single really do not have any idea what it is like to be single during a pandemic. While married, I used to have a very busy life with volunteer commitments, regular drinks and dinners with friends, happy hours at work. All of that has completely stopped. This is not the single days of your 20s that you remember.

Yes, it's a hell of a lot better now than it was a year ago, but we are nowhere back to normal life from an "extracurricular activity" perspective, for lack of a better way to put it. When you combine that with the fact that all of my friends are married and have kids, and are with their own families on weekends save for sporadic moms nights out, it's just really lonely. And because of the lack of activity, nobody is meeting new people. I don't see anyone at work either because my entire office is WFH. If my boyfriend is gone while I don't have my kids, I usually will not see another human being that day except for strangers at Starbucks. Even when I do have my kids, I don't really see other adults. Our weekends used to be full of kid stuff and a lot of this has dried up too.

- I did think the therapist thing was strange and I appreciate the validation.

I am and have been single during the pandemic. My SO lives two hours away. When he is not here or me there, I am doing the things I like to do. I like the time apart because it lets us miss each other a bit even as we talk and text all day long. This situation might not work for you but don't dismiss the advice people are giving you because it may come from people who aren't single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the replies but your post resonated with me because I am in a similar relationship. But I have come around to like it and appreciate it for what it is. Yes, I'd love more but I am learning to love my time without him. I've developed a bond with my own kids that would not be possible if things were different. He has his family and I have mine and we do stuff together but we mostly focucs on our own kids while knowing we have our time to look forward to. Granted my bf doesn't have to go to NC so I do see him significantly more than every other weekend but i do sleep alone most of the month. I am alone after those long gruelling kid days.
I've come around to appreciating this. We aren't bogged down in the details of every day household running. It's special.

This is the saddest thing I've ever read on this website.

[Anonymous]

Don’t listen to the person directly above. I know exactly what you mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to the person directly above. I know exactly what you mean.[/quote

New poster. I understand too.

There's a lot of judgmental people here as per usual I see!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to the person directly above. I know exactly what you mean.

No. If your bond with your children is affected by the time you spend with your BOYFRIEND you have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the replies but your post resonated with me because I am in a similar relationship. But I have come around to like it and appreciate it for what it is. Yes, I'd love more but I am learning to love my time without him. I've developed a bond with my own kids that would not be possible if things were different. He has his family and I have mine and we do stuff together but we mostly focucs on our own kids while knowing we have our time to look forward to. Granted my bf doesn't have to go to NC so I do see him significantly more than every other weekend but i do sleep alone most of the month. I am alone after those long gruelling kid days.
I've come around to appreciating this. We aren't bogged down in the details of every day household running. It's special.

This is the saddest thing I've ever read on this website.

Why? It is incredibly positive. Have you been a single parent? Do you think the relationship with your kids would be the same if you remarry or have a man in your life constantly? So many divorced parents rush into relationships and neglect their kids, their needs etc. To me, that is the saddest thing.