Long-term relationship after divorce going nowhere. What now?

[Anonymous]

I have been in a relationship since my divorce with an amazing guy who commutes to Raleigh every other weekend to be with his teenage children (he has a place there). Well, the trips are centered around the weekend but they usually last 5-7 days at a time. When the kids are on school breaks they come here.

I have 50% custody of my two young children and we do our best to line up the kid weekends to align so we get the off weekends together. And that time is AMAZING. I think “how could I ever leave this guy” - we are so perfect together in so many ways. And I genuinely admire that he is such a great dad. I would never want him to stop going to Raleigh to see his kids.

But this is not what I want in a relationship. I want someone who will be present most weekends, not just every other- I am so damn lonely sometimes. It is hard being solo with my two when they go to bed by 8 and I’m stuck at home alone until I go to bed. It’s even harder when there’s a special event that means that one of us needs to shift our schedules, if we miss one of our weekends we go a four week stretch. This has been going on for almost two years now.

I am in a no win situation. My therapist suggested I start going on dates with other guys when he is gone - when I don’t have my kids, obviously, like on a Thursday night or whatever - just to see how that feels for me. I have liked zero of them. This makes me feel worse, because if I do break up with someone I love because of wanting more from a partner, and then I can’t find a single guy I even like enough to go on a second date with. that would be awful.

What do I do? I really don’t know what to do. Should I stay and have these great times along with the loneliness or do I leave in hopes of finding a second chance at a true partnership that may not exist?

[Anonymous]

How old are his children? I’m mostly trying to figure out how many years before they go off to college.

(Though, my gut says you should end it. This sounds like it’s never going to be an emotionally fulfilling relationship.)

[Anonymous]

Go get a certification or study- will keep you busy after 8pm.

[Anonymous]

First breakups after divorce can be tough. You realize it's not just you made one mistake and chose the wrong person, but that fundamentally, love is fleeting.

If you were my friend
-I would remind you that this if his kids are already teens, this setup does have an end date
-Maybe do some work around how you can be okay not always having a partner around

[Anonymous]

A relative worked out sn arrangement where one ex tied to the DC area agreed to relocate to NC (like your ex OP), so that all 4 parents could be in NC. Maybe you can do that.

Otherwise, won't the teen finish high school soon? Then, your BF doesn't have to go back/forth anymore.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked about the possibility of marriage? I'm not a fan of rushing into things with kids in the mix, but if you are together a year and see a future together that would be a logical step. Then you would see him more than 1/2 of each month.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been seeing him?

[Anonymous]

We have been together for a little bit less than two years. The youngest child of his is a freshman in high school, so we are looking at another 3 1/2 years of this.

Regarding the marriage question, yes we have talked about it and I think that’s what we both want. But this feels too soon. And to be honest, I think a major part of the reason that it feels too soon is because we are not really integrated in each other‘s lives. He might see my kids once or twice a month for dinner, put it into context. I feel like there is a ton of ground that needs to be covered between that point and marriage.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, this sounds ideal to me! The perfect setup. A family, romantic/sexual companionship in doses, and your own space and time to yourself. Obviously you're not me and you must be more extroverted than I am (I can't imagine not wanting to just relax alone after your kids are in bed!), but maybe it won't seem so bad to you if you know other people would love your arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been together for a little bit less than two years. The youngest child of his is a freshman in high school, so we are looking at another 3 1/2 years of this.

Regarding the marriage question, yes we have talked about it and I think that’s what we both want. But this feels too soon. And to be honest, I think a major part of the reason that it feels too soon is because we are not really integrated in each other‘s lives. He might see my kids once or twice a month for dinner, put it into context. I feel like there is a ton of ground that needs to be covered between that point and marriage.

Have you met his kids? At what point did he meet your kids?

[Anonymous]

your therapist basically recommended that you cheat? find a new therapist first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, this sounds ideal to me! The perfect setup. A family, romantic/sexual companionship in doses, and your own space and time to yourself. Obviously you're not me and you must be more extroverted than I am (I can't imagine not wanting to just relax alone after your kids are in bed!), but maybe it won't seem so bad to you if you know other people would love your arrangement.

Yeah this sounds great to me and if OP wants more, she can get it once his kids graduate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been together for a little bit less than two years. The youngest child of his is a freshman in high school, so we are looking at another 3 1/2 years of this.

Regarding the marriage question, yes we have talked about it and I think that’s what we both want. But this feels too soon. And to be honest, I think a major part of the reason that it feels too soon is because we are not really integrated in each other‘s lives. He might see my kids once or twice a month for dinner, put it into context. I feel like there is a ton of ground that needs to be covered between that point and marriage.

3.5 years will be gone before you know it. Also you have the summers more or less together. I would give this more time . . . once the youngest is deep into high school his schedule might change (the kid might be able to drive to him, for example). It's not ideal but nothing is. You need to focus on your kids. Use the time apart for your own projects and goals.

Also, do you not have any flexibility to get together during the week?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you switch is so you can travel with him on the off weekends and then he will have more time with your kids on the weekends you have them?

[Anonymous]

I'm not saying this to be mean or flippant, and I don't think it's wrong to miss your BF when he's gone, but it sounds like you need more in your life besides this guy. Where are you at with friends, hobbies, community? It's going to be hard if you feel like having him around full time will fix your loneliness and it doesn't and the next guy doesn't.