Long-term relationship after divorce going nowhere. What now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it seems insane that you can’t entertain yourself for 2-3 hrs in the evening… Work out, read, watch TV, knot a sweater, clean, listen to podcasts, make Tik Tok videos, make jam. . .

My thought too. Your kids go to bed at 8, how late do you need to stay up? Take a bath, read, and be in bed by 9 or 10!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you switch is so you can travel with him on the off weekends and then he will have more time with your kids on the weekends you have them?

I'm sure his kids want to see their dad without the girfriend tagging along all the time. Same with OP's kids wanting to be with their mom without the boyfriend always there.

[Anonymous]

I’d think you need to have a discussion with him about the future. Also my alarm bells went off about his apartment in Raleigh - have you been there or otherwise seen it? Any chance he’s living a double life? I’m not sure how a biweekly weekend visit routinely turns into a 5-7 day trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d think you need to have a discussion with him about the future. Also my alarm bells went off about his apartment in Raleigh - have you been there or otherwise seen it? Any chance he’s living a double life? I’m not sure how a biweekly weekend visit routinely turns into a 5-7 day trip.

This. A weekend trip that always turns into a week?!? He's got someone else down there who thinks he has to be here for work every other week. You're being played. This story hits home for me because my XW fell for this as well.

[Anonymous]

OP there are studies that show that some people feel lonely no matter what their life circumstances. And you may well be one of them.

I do agree you should find something to do with your time and I don't think you should be dating other guys if you love this man as you say you do.

His circumstances will only alter when his kids go to college. You have to shift your expectations and compromise. It's the only way. And that may be why your marriage didn't work out - your inability to compromise. It is key in the success of any relationship. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Move to Raleigh.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t date until you are single, op. Nobody wants to go on date with someone who is still in a relationship or mooning over someone else.

Your therapist’s suggestion sucked, though maybe he/she was saying that you don’t need to sit home alone, though again, you can’t leave your kids who are little home alone even if they are sleeping, so yes, I think your therapist is a turkey.

As for you, anybody likes kid-free time especially if sex is involved.

You say your kids are little, your ex is willing to have your custody schedule match up with your boyfriend’s, do you have the skill set to be in a relationship with anybody when the sex and food aren’t flowing and the kids are in the presence of someone else? Not trying to be mean, that’d be what I’d explore in therapy, not the guy you’re dating.

If you like this guy so much, tell him what you need. If he kicks the can down the road, there’s your answer. If he says yes, be sure that you don’t put up with bad behavior from him directed at your kids. Also, realize that teenagers are different then little kids, many people don’t understand that, they view teenagers as bigger versions of say a 6-year-old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:your therapist basically recommended that you cheat? find a new therapist first.

This is truly what stood out to me. Look, finding love and compatibility with someone is pretty rare. What makes you think the grass will be greener elsewhere. If it were me, I’d figure out how to be satisfied with myself and my free time.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe your therapist’s advice was to two-time your BF. What in the world? That would have no value whatsoever and it would be dishonest and disrespectful to your BF.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’ve dated several divorced dads, including one with a situation similar to yours. I understand how you feel. The people who are dumping on you saying you need more friends etc. don’t seem to understand that a, we’re in a pandemic so people are less social, and B, we’re not in our 20s.

When I was first dating my current boyfriend, who has 50-50 custody, we understandably went through a period where we were exclusive, yet not at a point where I was around his kids very much. Those days were definitely lonely for me. Because my friends were all busy with their own husbands and little kids. Sure, maybe I can make social plans for one or two of those nights, but the rest of the time I was staying home alone. It’s not a normal to want a relationship where you can see your significant other the vast majority of nights in a month

That said, if you are really into the guy, you only have three more years of this. If he is ever in NC when you don’t have your kids, do you ever go down and join them?

[Anonymous]

*not abnormal

[Anonymous]

Do you stay connected when you are apart, via text, phone, video chat, etc?

Your choice is pretty simple, because his circumstances aren’t changing. Learn to make peace with what it is, or break up. Do NOT date other people unless you break up with your BF, good grief!! So if you find a better option you’ll dump your unsuspecting BF, whom you claim to care about? Geez.

I happen to agree with everyone that you should try to fill your life up with things you enjoy and that are meaningful to you, so you don’t feel so lonely. If it doesn’t work, move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go get a certification or study- will keep you busy after 8pm.

+1

[Anonymous]

TBH, I think any parent who moves away from their kids unless they literally have no choice is not a good person.

[Anonymous]

Does he know about your dating? Does he know that you’re no longer exclusive?