I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're working too much. 60 hours a week as a regular schedule is simply too much for a mother with young child(ren.) Sorry, but that's reality.

Dial it back until your youngest is in kindergarten. Then you can refocus on this big career of yours.

OP: he’s not dialing back. He wants more responsibility and said he will work as many hours as he needs if given the opportunity. Why do I have to give up when he can do whatever he wants?

Seriously, this is your response? How old are you, 17?

Grow up, OP.

You're a mom now. Yes, it's a real thing.

OP: he likes my end of year bonus!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your DH both sound like train wrecks with an innocent kid stuck in the middle.

+ 1000

This poor child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're working too much. 60 hours a week as a regular schedule is simply too much for a mother with young child(ren.) Sorry, but that's reality.

Dial it back until your youngest is in kindergarten. Then you can refocus on this big career of yours.

OP: he’s not dialing back. He wants more responsibility and said he will work as many hours as he needs if given the opportunity. Why do I have to give up when he can do whatever he wants?

Seriously, this is your response? How old are you, 17?

Grow up, OP.

You're a mom now. Yes, it's a real thing.

OP: he likes my end of year bonus!

So?

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of men you have a similar attitude to you about parenthood and I'll say the same to you as I have said to them: if you don't want to be a parent, don't have a kid. But if you are a parent, you have to do that job or you're just a run-of-the-mill criminal in my book. I don't care what gender you are or how important you think your job is, if you chose to become a parent you need to go be a parent. If that means spending the money on high quality care when you can't be there, so be it. If it means scaling back at work so you can be there, so be it. But you can't sit there and complaint to me about how hard it is to be a parent when what you mean is "I can't believe this life changing shift in my responsibilities has impacted my career and social life." It's not some kind of secret. This is what parenthood is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of men you have a similar attitude to you about parenthood and I'll say the same to you as I have said to them: if you don't want to be a parent, don't have a kid. But if you are a parent, you have to do that job or you're just a run-of-the-mill criminal in my book. I don't care what gender you are or how important you think your job is, if you chose to become a parent you need to go be a parent. If that means spending the money on high quality care when you can't be there, so be it. If it means scaling back at work so you can be there, so be it. But you can't sit there and complaint to me about how hard it is to be a parent when what you mean is "I can't believe this life changing shift in my responsibilities has impacted my career and social life." It's not some kind of secret. This is what parenthood is.

OP why does not the same thinking apply to my husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a sad state of affairs that we expect a couple to work 105 combined hours per week and have time to raise a kid. Work is the bigger problem here.

OP exactly my point. The myth of the career woman is oversold. You can definitely either make it super big or have a good but not amazing career and have a good marriage.but a really good career usually works out if it’s the man.

Not true for everyone, speak for yourself.

OP, as someone who had the career I wanted and has kids, I would encourage you to watch that Grey’s Anatomy episode where Bailey tells Mer to get a deeper bench. No matter what your child care situation is you need to build in layers of redundancy and be flexible. Treat this like a marathon, not a sprint. Otherwise you will burn out yourself and everyone around you.

Get more childcare. Figure out the division of tasks, adjusting as you go along. Understand that in five or ten years he will be broken in as a dad and adjust your expectations accordingly. I don’t know a single woman with a career who wasn’t disappointed at first with a husband’s lack of ability to do more, no matter how much he did. I don’t know a single woman who wasn’t happy to have kept her career once the kids got older. It only gets easier. You are really in the swamp when kids are too young to go to school, but this will pass in a couple short years. Once you’re more senior you can flex your hours. Keep the bigger picture in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of men you have a similar attitude to you about parenthood and I'll say the same to you as I have said to them: if you don't want to be a parent, don't have a kid. But if you are a parent, you have to do that job or you're just a run-of-the-mill criminal in my book. I don't care what gender you are or how important you think your job is, if you chose to become a parent you need to go be a parent. If that means spending the money on high quality care when you can't be there, so be it. If it means scaling back at work so you can be there, so be it. But you can't sit there and complaint to me about how hard it is to be a parent when what you mean is "I can't believe this life changing shift in my responsibilities has impacted my career and social life." It's not some kind of secret. This is what parenthood is.

OP why does not the same thinking apply to my husband?

Guy is doing pickup and evening routine. Sounds like he’s had some changes to his schedule.

OP, you are ridiculous. Your DH might be, too. But you definitely are.

I feel sorry for the poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of men you have a similar attitude to you about parenthood and I'll say the same to you as I have said to them: if you don't want to be a parent, don't have a kid. But if you are a parent, you have to do that job or you're just a run-of-the-mill criminal in my book. I don't care what gender you are or how important you think your job is, if you chose to become a parent you need to go be a parent. If that means spending the money on high quality care when you can't be there, so be it. If it means scaling back at work so you can be there, so be it. But you can't sit there and complaint to me about how hard it is to be a parent when what you mean is "I can't believe this life changing shift in my responsibilities has impacted my career and social life." It's not some kind of secret. This is what parenthood is.

OP why does not the same thinking apply to my husband?

DP. It does, and if he were on here complaining he would get the same reality check. My two cents — invest in high quality care now. Don’t be cheap, don’t cut corners. They only need it for a short time and it will benefit your family in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a sad state of affairs that we expect a couple to work 105 combined hours per week and have time to raise a kid. Work is the bigger problem here.

OP exactly my point. The myth of the career woman is oversold. You can definitely either make it super big or have a good but not amazing career and have a good marriage.but a really good career usually works out if it’s the man.

Not true for everyone, speak for yourself.

OP, as someone who had the career I wanted and has kids, I would encourage you to watch that Grey’s Anatomy episode where Bailey tells Mer to get a deeper bench. No matter what your child care situation is you need to build in layers of redundancy and be flexible. Treat this like a marathon, not a sprint. Otherwise you will burn out yourself and everyone around you.

Get more childcare. Figure out the division of tasks, adjusting as you go along. Understand that in five or ten years he will be broken in as a dad and adjust your expectations accordingly. I don’t know a single woman with a career who wasn’t disappointed at first with a husband’s lack of ability to do more, no matter how much he did. I don’t know a single woman who wasn’t happy to have kept her career once the kids got older. It only gets easier. You are really in the swamp when kids are too young to go to school, but this will pass in a couple short years. Once you’re more senior you can flex your hours. Keep the bigger picture in mind.

OP: Thank you. Will do. And that’s helpful to hear.

I do flex my hours. Our daycare was closed last week due to COVID and I took on the bulk of childcare because I can flex my hours. My husband says he cannot work after 7pm because he’s too tired. I worked 8-midnight to make up for the lost time during the day. This is what’s driving me crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a sad state of affairs that we expect a couple to work 105 combined hours per week and have time to raise a kid. Work is the bigger problem here.

OP exactly my point. The myth of the career woman is oversold. You can definitely either make it super big or have a good but not amazing career and have a good marriage.but a really good career usually works out if it’s the man.

Not true for everyone, speak for yourself.

OP, as someone who had the career I wanted and has kids, I would encourage you to watch that Grey’s Anatomy episode where Bailey tells Mer to get a deeper bench. No matter what your child care situation is you need to build in layers of redundancy and be flexible. Treat this like a marathon, not a sprint. Otherwise you will burn out yourself and everyone around you.

Get more childcare. Figure out the division of tasks, adjusting as you go along. Understand that in five or ten years he will be broken in as a dad and adjust your expectations accordingly. I don’t know a single woman with a career who wasn’t disappointed at first with a husband’s lack of ability to do more, no matter how much he did. I don’t know a single woman who wasn’t happy to have kept her career once the kids got older. It only gets easier. You are really in the swamp when kids are too young to go to school, but this will pass in a couple short years. Once you’re more senior you can flex your hours. Keep the bigger picture in mind.

It doesn’t get easier, it gets different.

Don’t have more kids, OP. Messing up one human’s life is more than enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, you sound like an asshole. You work a lot and like it. Fine. Then you should happily use the money you earn to hire a sitter and stop complaining. There is really nothing to complain about here. DH works outside of the home and also helps with the kid.

Disagree on asshole; agree on acknowledging the reality of needing to hire more help.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP on not having more kids. It does not get easier with more. It gets way harder. And, what I’ve seen is husbands who get burned out and who get LESS helpful as time wears on, not more helpful. And, less helpful with more kids, not more helpful with more kids. Definitely do not have more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a sad state of affairs that we expect a couple to work 105 combined hours per week and have time to raise a kid. Work is the bigger problem here.

OP exactly my point. The myth of the career woman is oversold. You can definitely either make it super big or have a good but not amazing career and have a good marriage.but a really good career usually works out if it’s the man.

Not true for everyone, speak for yourself.

OP, as someone who had the career I wanted and has kids, I would encourage you to watch that Grey’s Anatomy episode where Bailey tells Mer to get a deeper bench. No matter what your child care situation is you need to build in layers of redundancy and be flexible. Treat this like a marathon, not a sprint. Otherwise you will burn out yourself and everyone around you.

Get more childcare. Figure out the division of tasks, adjusting as you go along. Understand that in five or ten years he will be broken in as a dad and adjust your expectations accordingly. I don’t know a single woman with a career who wasn’t disappointed at first with a husband’s lack of ability to do more, no matter how much he did. I don’t know a single woman who wasn’t happy to have kept her career once the kids got older. It only gets easier. You are really in the swamp when kids are too young to go to school, but this will pass in a couple short years. Once you’re more senior you can flex your hours. Keep the bigger picture in mind.

It doesn’t get easier, it gets different.

Don’t have more kids, OP. Messing up one human’s life is more than enough.

OP men don’t have that guilt. I either work or spend time with baby / family. My husband says that he absolutely needs free time. He does not think that this impacts the baby in the least. I agree with him to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP on not having more kids. It does not get easier with more. It gets way harder. And, what I’ve seen is husbands who get burned out and who get LESS helpful as time wears on, not more helpful. And, less helpful with more kids, not more helpful with more kids. Definitely do not have more kids.

Op agree. He was more helpful when the baby was an infant. Then the novelty wore off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of men you have a similar attitude to you about parenthood and I'll say the same to you as I have said to them: if you don't want to be a parent, don't have a kid. But if you are a parent, you have to do that job or you're just a run-of-the-mill criminal in my book. I don't care what gender you are or how important you think your job is, if you chose to become a parent you need to go be a parent. If that means spending the money on high quality care when you can't be there, so be it. If it means scaling back at work so you can be there, so be it. But you can't sit there and complaint to me about how hard it is to be a parent when what you mean is "I can't believe this life changing shift in my responsibilities has impacted my career and social life." It's not some kind of secret. This is what parenthood is.

OP why does not the same thinking apply to my husband?

DP. It does, and if he were on here complaining he would get the same reality check. My two cents — invest in high quality care now. Don’t be cheap, don’t cut corners. They only need it for a short time and it will benefit your family in the long run.

This is good advice. He is not going to get better.