I’m so unhappy with my baby in daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many women here marry and have babies with men that can’t afford to allow their wives to stay at home with their babies. So sad that so many women have to go back to work and disguise it as being a feminist when in reality they know they wish they could stay home but they married a loser.

I’m sure you’re a troll, but ever stop to think that many women WANT to work rather than have to work?

PP is being a troll but I do think even women who really wants to work often struggle with this just because maternity leave us so short in the US. I think if it was more standard to take 6 months to a year and then return to your job, a lot of women would choose that option. And even many men, especially if you could split the leave with your spouse.

It’s one thing to want to keep your career and return to work. It’s something else to hand a six week old infant, or even a 3 or 4 month old, over to someone else to care for. I couldn’t do it and wound up quitting to stay home for a while, and was very grateful to have that option. I do wish I could have just taken a longer leave and returned to my old job though.

My husband and I alternated our leave too so our kid didn't have to start daycare until he was 6 months old. Men who have paternity leave but don't use it are baffling to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d never hire a nanny for a pre verbal infant. No way.

Why? That makes no sense. Especially since you’d leave her with strangers in daycare. Please never think that daycare workers will ever turn against each other if there’s an issue. There is no accountability in daycare. I worked in three good daycares through college and I know how they operate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many women here marry and have babies with men that can’t afford to allow their wives to stay at home with their babies. So sad that so many women have to go back to work and disguise it as being a feminist when in reality they know they wish they could stay home but they married a loser.

I’m sure you’re a troll, but ever stop to think that many women WANT to work rather than have to work?

PP is being a troll but I do think even women who really wants to work often struggle with this just because maternity leave us so short in the US. I think if it was more standard to take 6 months to a year and then return to your job, a lot of women would choose that option. And even many men, especially if you could split the leave with your spouse.

It’s one thing to want to keep your career and return to work. It’s something else to hand a six week old infant, or even a 3 or 4 month old, over to someone else to care for. I couldn’t do it and wound up quitting to stay home for a while, and was very grateful to have that option. I do wish I could have just taken a longer leave and returned to my old job though.

My husband and I alternated our leave too so our kid didn't have to start daycare until he was 6 months old. Men who have paternity leave but don't use it are baffling to me.

My DH got paternity leave (6 weeks which is a lot) BUT we found out he could only take it immediately after the baby was born. Since I wasn't going to return to work immediately after giving birth, this meant we both took leave at the same time. We would have loved to stagger it and I think it would have been great for him to be home with the baby on his own for a while because it took him longer to feel competent as a parent than me, and I think it's because I had time during my leave where I was on my own and had to figure it out, and he didn't get nearly as many opportunities (some, he definitely was alone with the baby a lot, but it's different when it's all day and your partner is at work).

I remember he asked his office if he could take two weeks after the birth and then the remaining month later when I went back to work. They didn't even understand the request because it had never occurred to anyone there that a dad would take solo parental leave at some point. Very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one will care for your baby as well as its parents. If you both have no choice but to work, there are options. Figure out what you are most comfortable with and make that happen. As with all things in life, you get what you pay for.

Sadly your first blanket and statement is not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one will care for your baby as well as its parents. If you both have no choice but to work, there are options. Figure out what you are most comfortable with and make that happen. As with all things in life, you get what you pay for.

Sadly your first blanket and statement is not true.

I meant *love as much, which I may have conflated with caregiving. How sad is it that a parent thinks that they aren't a good enough caregiver to their own child? I maintain that a tired, inexperienced, yet loving parent is more than good enough for their child. I worked as a nanny and, from my experience, the most successful arrangement for all parties (child, parents, nanny) occurred when the parents' schedules allowed for one being there in the morning, the other home for dinner and some wfh mixed in. I usually started part time during parental leave. The parents got to know me and I was able to assist and guide them through the early stages. Just because I knew more than they did about infant care never meant I did a better job. The look of joy on a baby's face when mom or dad is near tells you all you need to know.

[Anonymous]

Of course it depends on your specific circumstance but I don’t think it is a bad idea to take a hit financially in those early years to ensure that your child receives care you are comfortable with. Do the math and see if it’s possible to cut back now/save less and play catch up later. This is what we did and i feel it was completely worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one will care for your baby as well as its parents. If you both have no choice but to work, there are options. Figure out what you are most comfortable with and make that happen. As with all things in life, you get what you pay for.

Sadly your first blanket and statement is not true.

I meant *love as much, which I may have conflated with caregiving. How sad is it that a parent thinks that they aren't a good enough caregiver to their own child? I maintain that a tired, inexperienced, yet loving parent is more than good enough for their child. I worked as a nanny and, from my experience, the most successful arrangement for all parties (child, parents, nanny) occurred when the parents' schedules allowed for one being there in the morning, the other home for dinner and some wfh mixed in. I usually started part time during parental leave. The parents got to know me and I was able to assist and guide them through the early stages. Just because I knew more than they did about infant care never meant I did a better job. The look of joy on a baby's face when mom or dad is near tells you all you need to know.

Okay, I definitely agree with “love as much as parents” in most cases. But a great nanny can offer so much more than a lot of parents can. Our nanny was a preschool teacher, has a BA in Early Childhood Development and our kids were her sixth and seventh charge from infancy. She has a skill set and education that we simply don’t have. And she loves my kids so much. And they love her. Nanny sees her former charges frequently so I know she isn’t going to drop out of my kids lives when they don’t need a nanny.
I feel totally comfortable going to work and so does DH. We’re both physicians and can’t work from home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it depends on your specific circumstance but I don’t think it is a bad idea to take a hit financially in those early years to ensure that your child receives care you are comfortable with. Do the math and see if it’s possible to cut back now/save less and play catch up later. This is what we did and i feel it was completely worth it. [/quote

Op, have you consider]nanny sharing with another family?

[Anonymous]

PP here. Off topic but I wanted to add that we should have much longer maternity and paternity leaves but our society needs both parents to return to the workforce. The 1950’s society Of the housewife will never work again and, in truth, never worked that well. Childcare is necessary. Surgeons, physicians, police officers, teachers, waitresses, mail carriers, electricians, etc. can’t stay home anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:for you peace of mind, i'd consider looking for a smaller hone based daycare.

This is another, more affordable way to go. Family child care providers vary widely in quality, so you’ve got to visit them and check it out. And it’s hard to find infant openings, as they can only take a few infants (2 in MD). For my DC, I found a unicorn of a family child care provider, she only took in two babies at a time, no older kids, so my child had something like a nanny share level of attention, at this warm grandma type woman’s home. She cooked hot lunches for them when they were toddlers and eating foods. Good luck, OP, it’s hard at first for many of us, placing the baby in someone else’s care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one will care for your baby as well as its parents. If you both have no choice but to work, there are options. Figure out what you are most comfortable with and make that happen. As with all things in life, you get what you pay for.

Sadly your first blanket and statement is not true.

I meant *love as much, which I may have conflated with caregiving. How sad is it that a parent thinks that they aren't a good enough caregiver to their own child? I maintain that a tired, inexperienced, yet loving parent is more than good enough for their child. I worked as a nanny and, from my experience, the most successful arrangement for all parties (child, parents, nanny) occurred when the parents' schedules allowed for one being there in the morning, the other home for dinner and some wfh mixed in. I usually started part time during parental leave. The parents got to know me and I was able to assist and guide them through the early stages. Just because I knew more than they did about infant care never meant I did a better job. The look of joy on a baby's face when mom or dad is near tells you all you need to know.

Okay, I definitely agree with “love as much as parents” in most cases. But a great nanny can offer so much more than a lot of parents can. Our nanny was a preschool teacher, has a BA in Early Childhood Development and our kids were her sixth and seventh charge from infancy. She has a skill set and education that we simply don’t have. And she loves my kids so much. And they love her. Nanny sees her former charges frequently so I know she isn’t going to drop out of my kids lives when they don’t need a nanny.
I feel totally comfortable going to work and so does DH. We’re both physicians and can’t work from home!

I’m glad you found someone great but I reject the idea that a nanny is better for young kids than a parent because of experience or training in child development. Yes, I have met nannies with this background who are phenomenal. I’ve also met some with this background who I would not leave my child with because they have entrenched beliefs about “what works” or what kids need at this age that are old fashioned, or based on experience with 5-6 kids and lack flexibility to adjust to a child with different needs or a family with a different set up.

The same things that make a nanny great can be found on many parents (or grandparents) without the same training or experience. I was able to learn what I needed to about child development from books, our ped, etc. But the skills I brought to childcare were patience, a comfort with bodily functions and physical closeness, tenderness and empathy, strong nonverbal communication skills, the ability to feel and project calm when someone I love is upset. You might learn that working at a preschool… but you might not.

I’ve had people tell me they are glad they had a nanny instead of staying home (knowing I stayed home with my kid when she was very young) because of their nannie’s many qualifications in child development. The truth is that you can learn about brain, motor and social development quite easily, and incorporate games and toys that facilitate development without that much effort. The work is in the physical and emotional care day in and out, and keeping your own sanity through it. That’s a disposition thing and there’s no special certification for it.

[Anonymous]

i think you should do what you feel is best for your baby


my daycare surely rinsed the bottles out though


and colds are normal, it’s a hard reality


i agree with other posters that having your kid in daycare is the best
they are socialized and establish routines

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who had a really, really bad nanny experience with someone that came highly recommended in my [wealthy, UMC] mom's group and had impeccable references, I would stick with daycare where there are multiple caregivers, always more than one adult in the room, people around watching, and they are accountable to multiple people at all times.

Also, honestly, better your child gets all the little kid viruses when they are tiny than when they are school-aged and they are hit harder and out of school for several days. A little diaper rash never hurt anybody. Highly recommend Calmoseptine, btw.

What happened? I’m the PP above whose DH is against hiring a nanny. Want to see both sides. We are also wealthy/UMC

You definitely deserve the best nanny because you are wealthy/UMC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Off topic but I wanted to add that we should have much longer maternity and paternity leaves but our society needs both parents to return to the workforce. The 1950’s society Of the housewife will never work again and, in truth, never worked that well. Childcare is necessary. Surgeons, physicians, police officers, teachers, waitresses, mail carriers, electricians, etc. can’t stay home anymore.

Most women who want to SAHM want this. I don’t really know anyone who wants to stay home forever. But they want or wanted to stay home with babies. Most people I know would have jumped at the chance to stay home until 12 or 18 months, and then return without a penalty. I think if we could find a way to allow this, you’d see many, many more women taking that break to be with babies (and maybe some men). Many women return to jobs much sooner than that because the fear of trying to re-enter the workforce after even a year off can scare them off.

I only know 2-3 women, out of dozens, who really want to stay home long term even after kids are in school. Most would be bored and isolated and crave independent work. Even if their spouse makes enough money for the family. People like to feel productive in life and unless you have 3+ kids, that’s hard to do staying home when they are older and in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Off topic but I wanted to add that we should have much longer maternity and paternity leaves but our society needs both parents to return to the workforce. The 1950’s society Of the housewife will never work again and, in truth, never worked that well. Childcare is necessary. Surgeons, physicians, police officers, teachers, waitresses, mail carriers, electricians, etc. can’t stay home anymore.

Most women who want to SAHM want this. I don’t really know anyone who wants to stay home forever. But they want or wanted to stay home with babies. Most people I know would have jumped at the chance to stay home until 12 or 18 months, and then return without a penalty. I think if we could find a way to allow this, you’d see many, many more women taking that break to be with babies (and maybe some men). Many women return to jobs much sooner than that because the fear of trying to re-enter the workforce after even a year off can scare them off.

I only know 2-3 women, out of dozens, who really want to stay home long term even after kids are in school. Most would be bored and isolated and crave independent work. Even if their spouse makes enough money for the family. People like to feel productive in life and unless you have 3+ kids, that’s hard to do staying home when they are older and in school.

Long term sahm here and I thoroughly disagree with you. I am neither bored nor isolated. There are many ways to live, parent and be part of society.