Mom depressed in her AL being surrounded by old people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here . My mom not only looks amazing for her age but is so vivacious and what a personality she has. People gravitate towards her young and old. The private care company I hired is through referrals only and is a five star company. She has two private caregivers and in the event one gets sick there would be zero issues replacing, as I’ve heard the owner will step in and take over for the day. I have no worries with her private caregivers. The expense is a non-issue as I have said my parents were very frugal and have plenty of savings . Most of the residents look really old and hunched over, which of course is depressing. My mom, even with her walker, has perfect posture and is still beautiful. She’s always had movie star looks but being surrounded by really old looking people she’s lost her desire to make herself look her best. I think finding a community with a larger percentage of independent living versus assisted would be the answer. Her place is 80% assisted. Retirement communities have lots of activities besides hiking and tennis my mom could partake in. Just having her meals with a younger more vibrant crowd would improve her morale. Btw the 22yr old hostess at her AL loves my mom and the two of them are always joking around.

This has to be a troll.

Again???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here . My mom not only looks amazing for her age but is so vivacious and what a personality she has. People gravitate towards her young and old. The private care company I hired is through referrals only and is a five star company. She has two private caregivers and in the event one gets sick there would be zero issues replacing, as I’ve heard the owner will step in and take over for the day. I have no worries with her private caregivers. The expense is a non-issue as I have said my parents were very frugal and have plenty of savings . Most of the residents look really old and hunched over, which of course is depressing. My mom, even with her walker, has perfect posture and is still beautiful. She’s always had movie star looks but being surrounded by really old looking people she’s lost her desire to make herself look her best. I think finding a community with a larger percentage of independent living versus assisted would be the answer. Her place is 80% assisted. Retirement communities have lots of activities besides hiking and tennis my mom could partake in. Just having her meals with a younger more vibrant crowd would improve her morale. Btw the 22yr old hostess at her AL loves my mom and the two of them are always joking around.

This has to be a troll.

Oh my God. You again??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here . My mom not only looks amazing for her age but is so vivacious and what a personality she has. People gravitate towards her young and old. The private care company I hired is through referrals only and is a five star company. She has two private caregivers and in the event one gets sick there would be zero issues replacing, as I’ve heard the owner will step in and take over for the day. I have no worries with her private caregivers. The expense is a non-issue as I have said my parents were very frugal and have plenty of savings . Most of the residents look really old and hunched over, which of course is depressing. My mom, even with her walker, has perfect posture and is still beautiful. She’s always had movie star looks but being surrounded by really old looking people she’s lost her desire to make herself look her best. I think finding a community with a larger percentage of independent living versus assisted would be the answer. Her place is 80% assisted. Retirement communities have lots of activities besides hiking and tennis my mom could partake in. Just having her meals with a younger more vibrant crowd would improve her morale. Btw the 22yr old hostess at her AL loves my mom and the two of them are always joking around.

You have a strange obsession with her physical appearance and it's almost as though you think that is part of what makes her superior to these old people. I remember your other posts and you have a very extreme way of writing. Your mom is so vibrant and everyone around her is hunched and old. You are mom's savior and brothers are evil. You also seem to want us to just agree with you.

I agree. I hope you are a troll OP, because I'd hate for this story to be actually true.

The two of you must really be awful looking. I’m sorry.

No, they “mustn’t” be, but your blatantly telegraphed insecurity is unattractive as hell, trust and believe.

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You have a strange obsession with her physical appearance and it's almost as though you think that is part of what makes her superior to these old people. I remember your other posts and you have a very extreme way of writing. Your mom is so vibrant and everyone around her is hunched and old. You are mom's savior and brothers are evil. You also seem to want us to just agree with you.

I agree. I hope you are a troll OP, because I'd hate for this story to be actually true.

The two of you must really be awful looking. I’m sorry.

No, they “mustn’t” be, but your blatantly telegraphed insecurity is unattractive as hell, trust and believe.

OP, are you sure your mother will be able to get an independent living spot even if you plan to hire FT caregivers for her? A lot of CCRCs assess potential residents by how they are at the time of admission; if your mom can't manage ADLs, she's not getting into IL. If she had moved in sooner, she might be able to stay by hiring assistants because a lot of places won't force you to move even if you should.

Your mother should also be prepared to be unpopular despite her looks and grooming. You may think she's vivacious. People whose job it is to be nice to her may be nice to her. But if she shares your perspective on what makes someone worthwhile, I think this might not go well for her.

[Anonymous]

I think OP has borderline personality disorder based on how she portrays everything in very black and white.

[Anonymous]

If your mom wants to leave, she needs to be able to do the ADLs she has to do to live independently. If she was more on the ball, she would have moved while in good shape so this isn't an issue. She needs to work hard at physical therapy if she wants out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP has borderline personality disorder based on how she portrays everything in very black and white.

Either way, she's certainly the hero of her own narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

Ok, but OP didn't say she wanted to bring her mom to her house or another family member's house so the mom can be around people she knows and loves. She wants her mom to live somewhere with younger seniors and make friends with them in hopse that their youthfullness will make her mom happy again. That was OP's new idea and she came here to ask what people think of that.

Sorry but does anyone else just think this is an unrealistic expectation? She's 83, she's not at the stage of life where she wants to make new friends. She probably wants to see old friends and her family. At least that's how it is with my parents and inlaws.

Elderly people should age in place with people of all generations, including kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

Ok, but OP didn't say she wanted to bring her mom to her house or another family member's house so the mom can be around people she knows and loves. She wants her mom to live somewhere with younger seniors and make friends with them in hopse that their youthfullness will make her mom happy again. That was OP's new idea and she came here to ask what people think of that.

Sorry but does anyone else just think this is an unrealistic expectation? She's 83, she's not at the stage of life where she wants to make new friends. She probably wants to see old friends and her family. At least that's how it is with my parents and inlaws.

Elderly people should age in place with people of all generations, including kids.

That's often unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here . My mom not only looks amazing for her age but is so vivacious and what a personality she has. People gravitate towards her young and old. The private care company I hired is through referrals only and is a five star company. She has two private caregivers and in the event one gets sick there would be zero issues replacing, as I’ve heard the owner will step in and take over for the day. I have no worries with her private caregivers. The expense is a non-issue as I have said my parents were very frugal and have plenty of savings . Most of the residents look really old and hunched over, which of course is depressing. My mom, even with her walker, has perfect posture and is still beautiful. She’s always had movie star looks but being surrounded by really old looking people she’s lost her desire to make herself look her best. I think finding a community with a larger percentage of independent living versus assisted would be the answer. Her place is 80% assisted. Retirement communities have lots of activities besides hiking and tennis my mom could partake in. Just having her meals with a younger more vibrant crowd would improve her morale. Btw the 22yr old hostess at her AL loves my mom and the two of them are always joking around.

This has to be a troll.

Oh my God. You again??

Thanks for confirming!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

Ok, but OP didn't say she wanted to bring her mom to her house or another family member's house so the mom can be around people she knows and loves. She wants her mom to live somewhere with younger seniors and make friends with them in hopse that their youthfullness will make her mom happy again. That was OP's new idea and she came here to ask what people think of that.

Sorry but does anyone else just think this is an unrealistic expectation? She's 83, she's not at the stage of life where she wants to make new friends. She probably wants to see old friends and her family. At least that's how it is with my parents and inlaws.

Elderly people should age in place with people of all generations, including kids.

I have been supporting the horror if "age in place" for too long and it can turn into the elderly person "eating her young." I am so over emergency calls, and "I'm sooooo looooonely" and expecting me to be the social life when I have kids, a job and a husband. People need to create a life for themselves and, not kill off their offspring with demands. You absolutely should make new friends at the age, it is one of the BEST things you can to do to protect your brain and keep up your mental health. They should be socializing with said friends and going on outings, not guilt tripping their kids to be at their beckon call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

Ok, but OP didn't say she wanted to bring her mom to her house or another family member's house so the mom can be around people she knows and loves. She wants her mom to live somewhere with younger seniors and make friends with them in hopse that their youthfullness will make her mom happy again. That was OP's new idea and she came here to ask what people think of that.

Sorry but does anyone else just think this is an unrealistic expectation? She's 83, she's not at the stage of life where she wants to make new friends. She probably wants to see old friends and her family. At least that's how it is with my parents and inlaws.

Elderly people should age in place with people of all generations, including kids.

I have been supporting the horror if "age in place" for too long and it can turn into the elderly person "eating her young." I am so over emergency calls, and "I'm sooooo looooonely" and expecting me to be the social life when I have kids, a job and a husband. People need to create a life for themselves and, not kill off their offspring with demands. You absolutely should make new friends at the age, it is one of the BEST things you can to do to protect your brain and keep up your mental health. They should be socializing with said friends and going on outings, not guilt tripping their kids to be at their beckon call.

+100! OP here. This is exactly why I found her a place because not only was living at home dangerous, but she was text bombing us kids to take her to dinner. Not to mention the calls, “moms fallen again!” It was so stressful my husband would find me sobbing in the bathtub. She even asked me to leave my husband and move in and take care of her. I told her I love her so much but it would literally send me to an early grave. Being around her gives me extreme anxiety because I’m so worried she’s going to fall. She’s better now but im still getting the guilt attitude when I call. “Hi mom, how are you?” “I’m fine, just sitting here watching tv, same as always.” “Gee mom, the only difference is chain smoking when you were home.” Then I’ll ask her who she had breakfast, lunch and dinner with and what activities she did. That’s when she starts perking up telling me the events of her day and we start laughing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

Ok, but OP didn't say she wanted to bring her mom to her house or another family member's house so the mom can be around people she knows and loves. She wants her mom to live somewhere with younger seniors and make friends with them in hopse that their youthfullness will make her mom happy again. That was OP's new idea and she came here to ask what people think of that.

Sorry but does anyone else just think this is an unrealistic expectation? She's 83, she's not at the stage of life where she wants to make new friends. She probably wants to see old friends and her family. At least that's how it is with my parents and inlaws.

Elderly people should age in place with people of all generations, including kids.

I have been supporting the horror if "age in place" for too long and it can turn into the elderly person "eating her young." I am so over emergency calls, and "I'm sooooo looooonely" and expecting me to be the social life when I have kids, a job and a husband. People need to create a life for themselves and, not kill off their offspring with demands. You absolutely should make new friends at the age, it is one of the BEST things you can to do to protect your brain and keep up your mental health. They should be socializing with said friends and going on outings, not guilt tripping their kids to be at their beckon call.

+100! OP here. This is exactly why I found her a place because not only was living at home dangerous, but she was text bombing us kids to take her to dinner. Not to mention the calls, “moms fallen again!” It was so stressful my husband would find me sobbing in the bathtub. She even asked me to leave my husband and move in and take care of her. I told her I love her so much but it would literally send me to an early grave. Being around her gives me extreme anxiety because I’m so worried she’s going to fall. She’s better now but im still getting the guilt attitude when I call. “Hi mom, how are you?” “I’m fine, just sitting here watching tv, same as always.” “Gee mom, the only difference is chain smoking when you were home.” Then I’ll ask her who she had breakfast, lunch and dinner with and what activities she did. That’s when she starts perking up telling me the events of her day and we start laughing.

I so relate to this. My mother would love for me to leave my wonderful husband and move in with her with the kids and just cater to her. The calls about falls are the worst and I have heart palpitations whenever I hear a firetruck and ambulance since we've had to call for assistance before to assess whether a hospital visit was needed. Yes, I also relate to textbombing for dinner. At AL you can find people to dine with and make a life. I refuse to enable this BS. Plus, it is better for brain health to keep having to apply social skills. My mom stopped using her social skills with us-no filter, etc. With strangers she still turns it on and that's a good sign in terms of brain functioning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

Ok, but OP didn't say she wanted to bring her mom to her house or another family member's house so the mom can be around people she knows and loves. She wants her mom to live somewhere with younger seniors and make friends with them in hopse that their youthfullness will make her mom happy again. That was OP's new idea and she came here to ask what people think of that.

Sorry but does anyone else just think this is an unrealistic expectation? She's 83, she's not at the stage of life where she wants to make new friends. She probably wants to see old friends and her family. At least that's how it is with my parents and inlaws.

Elderly people should age in place with people of all generations, including kids.

I have been supporting the horror if "age in place" for too long and it can turn into the elderly person "eating her young." I am so over emergency calls, and "I'm sooooo looooonely" and expecting me to be the social life when I have kids, a job and a husband. People need to create a life for themselves and, not kill off their offspring with demands. You absolutely should make new friends at the age, it is one of the BEST things you can to do to protect your brain and keep up your mental health. They should be socializing with said friends and going on outings, not guilt tripping their kids to be at their beckon call.

+100! OP here. This is exactly why I found her a place because not only was living at home dangerous, but she was text bombing us kids to take her to dinner. Not to mention the calls, “moms fallen again!” It was so stressful my husband would find me sobbing in the bathtub. She even asked me to leave my husband and move in and take care of her. I told her I love her so much but it would literally send me to an early grave. Being around her gives me extreme anxiety because I’m so worried she’s going to fall. She’s better now but im still getting the guilt attitude when I call. “Hi mom, how are you?” “I’m fine, just sitting here watching tv, same as always.” “Gee mom, the only difference is chain smoking when you were home.” Then I’ll ask her who she had breakfast, lunch and dinner with and what activities she did. That’s when she starts perking up telling me the events of her day and we start laughing.

I so relate to this. My mother would love for me to leave my wonderful husband and move in with her with the kids and just cater to her. The calls about falls are the worst and I have heart palpitations whenever I hear a firetruck and ambulance since we've had to call for assistance before to assess whether a hospital visit was needed. Yes, I also relate to textbombing for dinner. At AL you can find people to dine with and make a life. I refuse to enable this BS. Plus, it is better for brain health to keep having to apply social skills. My mom stopped using her social skills with us-no filter, etc. With strangers she still turns it on and that's a good sign in terms of brain functioning.

I have a wonderful husband too! That’s what’s crazy, my mom prayed I’d meet a nice man one day after all the losers I went thru. I joked with her, “ok mom let me get this straight, after yrs of you praying I meet a nice man you’d want me to leave him and move in with you?” She had the same reaction when I surprise her with her with cheesecake. I don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

Ok, but OP didn't say she wanted to bring her mom to her house or another family member's house so the mom can be around people she knows and loves. She wants her mom to live somewhere with younger seniors and make friends with them in hopse that their youthfullness will make her mom happy again. That was OP's new idea and she came here to ask what people think of that.

Sorry but does anyone else just think this is an unrealistic expectation? She's 83, she's not at the stage of life where she wants to make new friends. She probably wants to see old friends and her family. At least that's how it is with my parents and inlaws.

Elderly people should age in place with people of all generations, including kids.

I have been supporting the horror if "age in place" for too long and it can turn into the elderly person "eating her young." I am so over emergency calls, and "I'm sooooo looooonely" and expecting me to be the social life when I have kids, a job and a husband. People need to create a life for themselves and, not kill off their offspring with demands. You absolutely should make new friends at the age, it is one of the BEST things you can to do to protect your brain and keep up your mental health. They should be socializing with said friends and going on outings, not guilt tripping their kids to be at their beckon call.

+100! OP here. This is exactly why I found her a place because not only was living at home dangerous, but she was text bombing us kids to take her to dinner. Not to mention the calls, “moms fallen again!” It was so stressful my husband would find me sobbing in the bathtub. She even asked me to leave my husband and move in and take care of her. I told her I love her so much but it would literally send me to an early grave. Being around her gives me extreme anxiety because I’m so worried she’s going to fall. She’s better now but im still getting the guilt attitude when I call. “Hi mom, how are you?” “I’m fine, just sitting here watching tv, same as always.” “Gee mom, the only difference is chain smoking when you were home.” Then I’ll ask her who she had breakfast, lunch and dinner with and what activities she did. That’s when she starts perking up telling me the events of her day and we start laughing.

I so relate to this. My mother would love for me to leave my wonderful husband and move in with her with the kids and just cater to her. The calls about falls are the worst and I have heart palpitations whenever I hear a firetruck and ambulance since we've had to call for assistance before to assess whether a hospital visit was needed. Yes, I also relate to textbombing for dinner. At AL you can find people to dine with and make a life. I refuse to enable this BS. Plus, it is better for brain health to keep having to apply social skills. My mom stopped using her social skills with us-no filter, etc. With strangers she still turns it on and that's a good sign in terms of brain functioning.

I have a wonderful husband too! That’s what’s crazy, my mom prayed I’d meet a nice man one day after all the losers I went thru. I joked with her, “ok mom let me get this straight, after yrs of you praying I meet a nice man you’d want me to leave him and move in with you?” She had the same reaction when I surprise her with her with cheesecake. I don’t get it.

I used to play into mom's every whim to please her. I was emotionally drained and having many physical ailments. I got therapy and learned to have boundaries and detach and slowly those ailments faded away. For me, one big shock was finding out mom passed the dementia screen. Then I started to realize she has been needy and demanding and has struggled with anxiety and depression on and off my whole life. My other also is very good looking and that got her a ton of attention and a lot of forgiveness from strangers when she acted entitled. Also, she was quite charming so she got a lot of her needs met by charming people. Now that she is losing her powers it makes her angry and depression and I think she was dealing with her anxiety by trying to control me and I was way too enmeshed. I enabled her to stay dysfunctional. I stepped back and she got worse, but eventually she started to bloom where she was planted and make friends. She still cycles into drama, and woe is me and trying to manipulate, but if I don't play in it's gets worse and then once again she goes back to blooming and coping.

Also, if you are the poster I recall you were complaining about your brothers. My mom loves family drama and divide and conquer. She plays Golden child/scapegoat like a fiddle and will alternate. I would step back and try to see if you demonizing your brothers really comes from some dysfunctional dynamics created by mom.

Now keep in mind qw so want to listen to complaint and evaluate. Sure there can be problems at these residential facilities, but if she cries wolf so often it may be more about her and needing to adjust her expectations and move on.My mom also wants to be surrpounded by younger people, but they don't want to be around her. She thinks she is still charming and vibrant, but she isn't and with my mom if even strangers are around her too long they see her other side.