Mom depressed in her AL being surrounded by old people.
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Anonymous
| My youthful looking, charismatic, and still beautiful 80 yr old mom lost my dad last yr to covid. She since suffered a stroke making her an extreme fall risk. After hospitalization and rehab I put her in a beautiful AL facility. She now uses a walker but being an extreme fall risk I had to hire private caregivers to be with her. Fortunately my frugal parents saved to allow my mom this level of care. My mom is doing wonderful now with medication mgmt, eating healthy, socialization, companionship. Problem is most people in ALs are of course old, look and act it. It is affecting my moms morale being in this environment making her depressed. She’s lost interest in her once perfect hair and makeup with comments like, “who do I need to look good for in this place?” I just had a brainstorm. Moving her to a retirement community with a more youthful crowd. With private caregivers she doesn’t need to be in AL, she can be anywhere. Everyone knows having younger friends keeps you healthier and happier. She will start wanting to look her best again and having friends where the topics are not about bowel movements, best adult diapers and constipation relief will really improve her morale. I think this is a great idea right? |
Anonymous
| yes good daughter you are |
Anonymous
| It could be worth a shot. Some people live to be in their nineties so she could have a while left. I would research and see if there are any intergenerational living places near her or you. Then I wouldn’t look for a condo building that skews middle age to older but has a variety of people and has a lot of amenities. You could figure this out by looking for online reviews and talking to a real estate agent. I’ve seen in online reviews where someone says: “great place, but half the people are over the age of fifty”: that being a “bad” thing for them since they are 20-something. Renting might be better, too. |
Anonymous
| Yes a great idea. |
Anonymous
| AL usually “perks” people up, so if it didn’t, another change might be a good idea. At 80, for instance, my grandfather was like a 60-something and lived another 15 years, while his wife passed away at 70. |
Anonymous
| The independent living apartment complex my mother lived in for years had many such arrangements as you describe - it is much less depressing than being in assisted living. The last two years of her life, my mom had someone come in for half an hour in the morning and half an hour in the evening - they pretty much just checked up on her - she bathed, etc., by herself. |
Anonymous
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Is it affordable? Private caregivers are expensive and can be unreliable. The benefit of the AL you describe is that there is a team managing her meds, nutrition, exercise, activities, etc. and she won’t necessarily have that in a retirement community; you will likely take on the role of managing every aspect of her care, including anything unexpected that arises.
What signs of depression are you seeing? Is it possible that she might feel this way anywhere that is not the home where she once lived independently (prior to her stroke)? These are just questions to fully consider - I’m not discounting the idea if the retirement community. Maybe it would indeed help. It might help to talk to the manager of the assisted living and express your concerns. They can give you feedback and guidance based on their experience of your mother. It can also be helpful to talk to a local geriatric care manager who is familiar with all of the residential options in your mom’s area and will help you gauge if your expectations/hopes are feasible and what it might involve. |
Anonymous
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My concern would be that being around more youthful, active people might actually be harder for your mom because she can't be as active with her walker.
If the main social activity in the retirement home is going on day hikes, or playing pickleball, your mom won't be able to join in. |
Anonymous
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I like PP's idea of asking some experts.
She may be externalizing her feelings of loss and frustration onto the facility, in which case no situation will make her happy. Also, the retirement community residents are not necessarily going to hang out with her. She is 80 and needs a walker + private care: the fact is, she is old. She can still play cards and enjoy music but a lot of the "young" retirees are hiking or bowling together which she cannot do. Watching them and being lonely there may be worse. I don't mean to dump on your idea, which is a lovely one. I've had a lot of impossible elderly relatives, is all. And I would be a little worried about finding a slot in AL if she needs to go back. |
Anonymous
| Let me guess, OP - your brothers don’t think this is a good idea due to the expense, but you’re the good daughter who is going to do it anyway. |
Anonymous
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It’s you again.
Your mom isn’t youthful, she needs a walker and 24/7 individual care. Of course she is depressed — by that. But perhaps your horrid brothers will be happy if it turns out to be cheaper, so there is that. And frankly, perhaps it is a good thing your mother is finally learning that her appearance is not that important in the grand scheme of things. |
Anonymous
This is mean. If this is something she has always taken pride in, it’s a bad sign that she suddenly doesn’t want to make the effort. Not everyone is interested in being frumpy. |
Anonymous
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OP, depression is a common sequelae of stroke, and not an unusual part of aging, especially as people lose independence and mobility.
It seems to me you’re seeking a geographic solution to her unhappiness, or for your unhappiness, over her aging quickly. Sooner or later, she (or you) need to come to terms with the fact that she is not as young and vibrant as you see her, and that she is an 80 year old with complex health needs necessitating 24 hour care. |
Anonymous
+1 I'm not totally into my looks, and there are days where I wear my sweatpants all day, though I do put a bit of makeup on and brush my hair for zoom calls, but on the w/e, if I know I'm not going out, I don't put on much makeup or brush my hair, just tie it up. She's 80. who cares if she cares about the way she looks; at this point, who cares if she's addicted to gaming or whatever. She's old. Let her enjoy her life. |
Anonymous
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Why are you pressuring your eighty year old mom to wear makeup??
FYI private caregivers cost 25 dollars an hour. 24-7 caregivers cost 130k per person |