Mom depressed in her AL being surrounded by old people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

[Anonymous]

Do you think your Mom will actually be happier in a different place? I would just be concerned about blowing up a good situation when there could be a lot of different things making her sad/depressed (loss of your Dad, loss of health/mobility, aging generally...).

Maybe see if she wants to visit some places first - her reaction to that suggestion may tell you if it's actually something she's interested in.

Also, like other PPs said, you have to think about who is going to do the day-to-day household stuff for her (aside from what a caregiver will do). Cleaning, cooking, groceries/errands, taking trash out, laundry...etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be cautious about relying fully on private caregivers. There's no way to be sure you'll always get reliable and honest workers, since it is a tough low-paid profession.

We had this. Plenty of no-shows, and some stealing. I would not put someone in independent living who needs so much support. It sounds like you hire help because she needs more than assisted living can offer. At least at AL, there is an extra set of eyes if her personal care people don't show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

Agreed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My able bodied parents moved to a place where they felt like everyone else was "old" (my parents are 83!). So they moved to a different community where the age range is about 70-90, but very few are unable to care for themselves. They're definitely happier there.

They visited a number of places, visited the common areas and during scheduled activities to get a sense of the types of residents living there. Can you take your mom around to some of the communities?

But in OP's situation, her mom isn't able to care for herself. Even if OP wants her mom to be around more "youthful" vibrant people, do those youthful people want to hang out with OP's mom?

This. I think your mom is depressed because she is an old person and she is so able bodied anymore. She cannot run away from this. My mom thinks she is too fancy for AL. She says her young neighbors love her and in the same breath she wonders if they all have Covid because they see her and run inside their homes. Mom will say she hates how her peers complain about all their ailments, then she complains about all her ailments. Mom will report one of her old friends is just so lonely, then mom throws guilt trips that we don't visit her enough and she complains her friends are always busy. Mom who never invited us on her fancy trips with dad, thinks we should invite her on vacation. We do active things. She hates standing or walking for very long and is prone to anger fits. Oh and she complains her former neighbor who is elderly was prone to anger fits. You get the picture.

+1 My FIL had this problem. Hated that he was old and didn't want my toddlers calling him "grandpa" but by his name .

He couldn't hear well but refused to get a hearing aid. His memory was starting to go, but refused to acknowledge it; family kept telling him that he needed to quit work before he made some major mistakes but he refused. Before he finally quit, family members were having to help with work related stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

I don't think it's as simple as "do not value older generations." In the US, most people INCLUDING seniors aren't used to living with others in the same way they do in other places. People here really value their independence and privacy. Moving in with adult kids can be really hard for someone who has been living on their own (or with a spouse only) for decades, and often results in conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

Ok, but OP didn't say she wanted to bring her mom to her house or another family member's house so the mom can be around people she knows and loves. She wants her mom to live somewhere with younger seniors and make friends with them in hopse that their youthfullness will make her mom happy again. That was OP's new idea and she came here to ask what people think of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

I don't think it's as simple as "do not value older generations." In the US, most people INCLUDING seniors aren't used to living with others in the same way they do in other places. People here really value their independence and privacy. Moving in with adult kids can be really hard for someone who has been living on their own (or with a spouse only) for decades, and often results in conflict.

PP, I agree with your point about not being used to living together and that is a cultural issue. I think perhaps the trend for "Mother in law" suites or small houses on same lot might be a better solution rather than living in same building.

I disagree though that we don't value elders. Go to an ASL or nursing home and see how many visitors there are on any given day. There are people that go to those places and have family across the country and never get visitors. I would estimate a good 40% have regular visitors but the rest seldom get seen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s you again.

Your mom isn’t youthful, she needs a walker and 24/7 individual care. Of course she is depressed — by that.

But perhaps your horrid brothers will be happy if it turns out to be cheaper, so there is that.

And frankly, perhaps it is a good thing your mother is finally learning that her appearance is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

PP, you are a jerk!

Maybe I am, but this poster wants her mom to disinherit her brothers from the family business they run with their mother (OP doesn’t work), and recently claimed that her mother was loving the AL place and all her friends there, including an anecdote where she played the piano to an ovation that made OP cry, and mom had a sweet new love interest she was spending time with.

What happened, OP? Maybe you should consider that perhaps socially your mom made some blunders in her AL, and that is why she is sad. The solution is not to run away and live alone.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a good chance your mom is depressed and would be no matter where she is. It's a common story when they are aging in place to be depressed because...adult children don't do enough/visit enough/care enough/call enough. Then in assisted living they are depressed because there are too many old people and sure they complain about adult children too, but you can now scapegoat the facility. Then you move then and they are depressed because they don't make friends or there is something wrong with that facility.

Treat the depression. It will help her make friends and bloom where she is planted. This generation has not learned to be self-reflective. It is common to blame everything for depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

Agreed!

I have friends from countries you are probably glorifying for valuing elders. It's hell. Physical ailments are more acceptable than mental health struggles and many people literally become quite ill dealing with eldercare. There is also the taboo topic of suicide amoung the sandwich generation which is swept under the rug. I do have to laugh though because both my husband and I have parents who glorify cultures where they value elders. Both our moms were nasty to their own elders and would have been angry 24-7 if elders moved in with them. Now history is rewritten, they were always respectful and welcoming to elders and we should spend all our free time catering to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s you again.

Your mom isn’t youthful, she needs a walker and 24/7 individual care. Of course she is depressed — by that.

But perhaps your horrid brothers will be happy if it turns out to be cheaper, so there is that.

And frankly, perhaps it is a good thing your mother is finally learning that her appearance is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

PP, you are a jerk!

Maybe I am, but this poster wants her mom to disinherit her brothers from the family business they run with their mother (OP doesn’t work), and recently claimed that her mother was loving the AL place and all her friends there, including an anecdote where she played the piano to an ovation that made OP cry, and mom had a sweet new love interest she was spending time with.

What happened, OP? Maybe you should consider that perhaps socially your mom made some blunders in her AL, and that is why she is sad. The solution is not to run away and live alone.

I don't recall anything about brothers in the original post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s you again.

Your mom isn’t youthful, she needs a walker and 24/7 individual care. Of course she is depressed — by that.

But perhaps your horrid brothers will be happy if it turns out to be cheaper, so there is that.

And frankly, perhaps it is a good thing your mother is finally learning that her appearance is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

PP, you are a jerk!

Maybe I am, but this poster wants her mom to disinherit her brothers from the family business they run with their mother (OP doesn’t work), and recently claimed that her mother was loving the AL place and all her friends there, including an anecdote where she played the piano to an ovation that made OP cry, and mom had a sweet new love interest she was spending time with.

What happened, OP? Maybe you should consider that perhaps socially your mom made some blunders in her AL, and that is why she is sad. The solution is not to run away and live alone.

Wow! It's interesting that you are able to remember all that and know it's the OP! I'm not the OP, but have my own elderly parent issues that I've shared on here, and it makes me wonder how many posters "recognize" me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

Most seniors just want to be around people they know and love. They want to see their faces and hear their voices. The just want to be included--in whatever way they can be. Sure they may miss being able to participate fully but they can definitely appreciate and enjoy being included and valued. That's it.

In the US we do not value the older generations as they do in other countries. That may be changing a bit and hopefully we will find better alternatives to what is available currently.

Agreed!

I have friends from countries you are probably glorifying for valuing elders. It's hell. Physical ailments are more acceptable than mental health struggles and many people literally become quite ill dealing with eldercare. There is also the taboo topic of suicide amoung the sandwich generation which is swept under the rug. I do have to laugh though because both my husband and I have parents who glorify cultures where they value elders. Both our moms were nasty to their own elders and would have been angry 24-7 if elders moved in with them. Now history is rewritten, they were always respectful and welcoming to elders and we should spend all our free time catering to them.

PP, I can appreciate your position but I think it depends on how close you were with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s you again.

Your mom isn’t youthful, she needs a walker and 24/7 individual care. Of course she is depressed — by that.

But perhaps your horrid brothers will be happy if it turns out to be cheaper, so there is that.

And frankly, perhaps it is a good thing your mother is finally learning that her appearance is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

PP, you are a jerk!

Maybe I am, but this poster wants her mom to disinherit her brothers from the family business they run with their mother (OP doesn’t work), and recently claimed that her mother was loving the AL place and all her friends there, including an anecdote where she played the piano to an ovation that made OP cry, and mom had a sweet new love interest she was spending time with.

What happened, OP? Maybe you should consider that perhaps socially your mom made some blunders in her AL, and that is why she is sad. The solution is not to run away and live alone.

I don't recall anything about brothers in the original post?

NP here - This OP is a frequent poster with a . . . distinctive writing style. She's posted quite the saga.

The more she posts, the less sympathetic she is.