Mom depressed in her AL being surrounded by old people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s you again.

Your mom isn’t youthful, she needs a walker and 24/7 individual care. Of course she is depressed — by that.

But perhaps your horrid brothers will be happy if it turns out to be cheaper, so there is that.

And frankly, perhaps it is a good thing your mother is finally learning that her appearance is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

PP, you are a jerk!

Maybe I am, but this poster wants her mom to disinherit her brothers from the family business they run with their mother (OP doesn’t work), and recently claimed that her mother was loving the AL place and all her friends there, including an anecdote where she played the piano to an ovation that made OP cry, and mom had a sweet new love interest she was spending time with.

What happened, OP? Maybe you should consider that perhaps socially your mom made some blunders in her AL, and that is why she is sad. The solution is not to run away and live alone.

Link, please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s you again.

Your mom isn’t youthful, she needs a walker and 24/7 individual care. Of course she is depressed — by that.

But perhaps your horrid brothers will be happy if it turns out to be cheaper, so there is that.

And frankly, perhaps it is a good thing your mother is finally learning that her appearance is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

PP, you are a jerk!

Maybe I am, but this poster wants her mom to disinherit her brothers from the family business they run with their mother (OP doesn’t work), and recently claimed that her mother was loving the AL place and all her friends there, including an anecdote where she played the piano to an ovation that made OP cry, and mom had a sweet new love interest she was spending time with.

What happened, OP? Maybe you should consider that perhaps socially your mom made some blunders in her AL, and that is why she is sad. The solution is not to run away and live alone.

Link, please?

I'm not the pp you quoted, but I suspect it's this
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1026120.page

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom is going to be depressed no matter what. I have been through this with my mom, and it's a massive change of life, no matter where she is located.

Give her hope that if she works hard to get better things will improve. There are continuing care communities out there which will let residents who improve enough move into apartments and have an aid, but also provide AL if their health worsens.

She is going to have to adjust to her "new normal' and not everyone does.

[Anonymous]

OP here . My mom not only looks amazing for her age but is so vivacious and what a personality she has. People gravitate towards her young and old. The private care company I hired is through referrals only and is a five star company. She has two private caregivers and in the event one gets sick there would be zero issues replacing, as I’ve heard the owner will step in and take over for the day. I have no worries with her private caregivers. The expense is a non-issue as I have said my parents were very frugal and have plenty of savings . Most of the residents look really old and hunched over, which of course is depressing. My mom, even with her walker, has perfect posture and is still beautiful. She’s always had movie star looks but being surrounded by really old looking people she’s lost her desire to make herself look her best. I think finding a community with a larger percentage of independent living versus assisted would be the answer. Her place is 80% assisted. Retirement communities have lots of activities besides hiking and tennis my mom could partake in. Just having her meals with a younger more vibrant crowd would improve her morale. Btw the 22yr old hostess at her AL loves my mom and the two of them are always joking around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s you again.

Your mom isn’t youthful, she needs a walker and 24/7 individual care. Of course she is depressed — by that.

But perhaps your horrid brothers will be happy if it turns out to be cheaper, so there is that.

And frankly, perhaps it is a good thing your mother is finally learning that her appearance is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

PP, you are a jerk!

Maybe I am, but this poster wants her mom to disinherit her brothers from the family business they run with their mother (OP doesn’t work), and recently claimed that her mother was loving the AL place and all her friends there, including an anecdote where she played the piano to an ovation that made OP cry, and mom had a sweet new love interest she was spending time with.

What happened, OP? Maybe you should consider that perhaps socially your mom made some blunders in her AL, and that is why she is sad. The solution is not to run away and live alone.

I don't recall anything about brothers in the original post?

NP here - This OP is a frequent poster with a . . . distinctive writing style. She's posted quite the saga.

The more she posts, the less sympathetic she is.

PP here: exactly, and I am blessed? cursed? with an excellent memory for such trivial data. I recognize quite a few posters. I don’t think OP is a troll because her story is very consistent post to post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s you again.

Your mom isn’t youthful, she needs a walker and 24/7 individual care. Of course she is depressed — by that.

But perhaps your horrid brothers will be happy if it turns out to be cheaper, so there is that.

And frankly, perhaps it is a good thing your mother is finally learning that her appearance is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

PP, you are a jerk!

Maybe I am, but this poster wants her mom to disinherit her brothers from the family business they run with their mother (OP doesn’t work), and recently claimed that her mother was loving the AL place and all her friends there, including an anecdote where she played the piano to an ovation that made OP cry, and mom had a sweet new love interest she was spending time with.

What happened, OP? Maybe you should consider that perhaps socially your mom made some blunders in her AL, and that is why she is sad. The solution is not to run away and live alone.

Wow! It's interesting that you are able to remember all that and know it's the OP! I'm not the OP, but have my own elderly parent issues that I've shared on here, and it makes me wonder how many posters "recognize" me.

The OP has posted more than once, always portraying herself as a heroine and the brothers as villains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here . My mom not only looks amazing for her age but is so vivacious and what a personality she has. People gravitate towards her young and old. The private care company I hired is through referrals only and is a five star company. She has two private caregivers and in the event one gets sick there would be zero issues replacing, as I’ve heard the owner will step in and take over for the day. I have no worries with her private caregivers. The expense is a non-issue as I have said my parents were very frugal and have plenty of savings . Most of the residents look really old and hunched over, which of course is depressing. My mom, even with her walker, has perfect posture and is still beautiful. She’s always had movie star looks but being surrounded by really old looking people she’s lost her desire to make herself look her best. I think finding a community with a larger percentage of independent living versus assisted would be the answer. Her place is 80% assisted. Retirement communities have lots of activities besides hiking and tennis my mom could partake in. Just having her meals with a younger more vibrant crowd would improve her morale. Btw the 22yr old hostess at her AL loves my mom and the two of them are always joking around.

Have you asked her about her personal life? I mean, if it was going so well and she has had a sudden turnabout into depression, I would have some serious questions about what happened between her and her man friend. Moving her seems like pretty drastic conflict avoidance.

You absolutely don’t want her in a place where most are at a different level of mobility than she is. She will be lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here . My mom not only looks amazing for her age but is so vivacious and what a personality she has. People gravitate towards her young and old. The private care company I hired is through referrals only and is a five star company. She has two private caregivers and in the event one gets sick there would be zero issues replacing, as I’ve heard the owner will step in and take over for the day. I have no worries with her private caregivers. The expense is a non-issue as I have said my parents were very frugal and have plenty of savings . Most of the residents look really old and hunched over, which of course is depressing. My mom, even with her walker, has perfect posture and is still beautiful. She’s always had movie star looks but being surrounded by really old looking people she’s lost her desire to make herself look her best. I think finding a community with a larger percentage of independent living versus assisted would be the answer. Her place is 80% assisted. Retirement communities have lots of activities besides hiking and tennis my mom could partake in. Just having her meals with a younger more vibrant crowd would improve her morale. Btw the 22yr old hostess at her AL loves my mom and the two of them are always joking around.

You have a strange obsession with her physical appearance and it's almost as though you think that is part of what makes her superior to these old people. I remember your other posts and you have a very extreme way of writing. Your mom is so vibrant and everyone around her is hunched and old. You are mom's savior and brothers are evil. You also seem to want us to just agree with you.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a great idea.

[Anonymous]

If your mom not being around hunched over old people is your priority then do what you are going to do. But the opposing points brought up here are valid ones. Make sure you think through every angle before you proceed, and definitely talk to her caregiver agency to get their feedback.

[Anonymous]

Didn't rant a week or 2 ago about your brothers putting her in some awful place, but you found a fancy pants place with a nice view and you care about her so you moved her. Now you say she does connect with staff, but the people are just too disheveled for your movie star looks mom who has a walker and needs a caregiver, but her posture is better than those messes! Listen to yourself. You blame your brothers. You blame all those old people who are not fancy enough for mom. Stop blaming. Stop being so enmeshed with mommy who is struggling with mental health. Step back for a moment and be rational. A bunch of vibrant, active people will not likely embrace your mom and become her BFF. She will be at the table with the others at her level of mobility and that will be her social group. If you want to keep moving her every time the depression comes back, sure, go ahead. Perhaps buy a moving truck because I promise, you every few months if not sooner she will be miserable again. You cannot run away from depression. You have to treat it. She has to make peace with this stage of life and perhaps process her feelings of superiority. She isn't accepting that this is where she is now. ALs have beauty parlors. I think if she isn't grooming herself that is due to her issues and not because everyone where she is us ugly and unkempt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s you again.

Your mom isn’t youthful, she needs a walker and 24/7 individual care. Of course she is depressed — by that.

But perhaps your horrid brothers will be happy if it turns out to be cheaper, so there is that.

And frankly, perhaps it is a good thing your mother is finally learning that her appearance is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

PP, you are a jerk!

Maybe I am, but this poster wants her mom to disinherit her brothers from the family business they run with their mother (OP doesn’t work), and recently claimed that her mother was loving the AL place and all her friends there, including an anecdote where she played the piano to an ovation that made OP cry, and mom had a sweet new love interest she was spending time with.

What happened, OP? Maybe you should consider that perhaps socially your mom made some blunders in her AL, and that is why she is sad. The solution is not to run away and live alone.

I don't recall anything about brothers in the original post?

NP here - This OP is a frequent poster with a . . . distinctive writing style. She's posted quite the saga.

The more she posts, the less sympathetic she is.

PP here: exactly, and I am blessed? cursed? with an excellent memory for such trivial data. I recognize quite a few posters. I don’t think OP is a troll because her story is very consistent post to post.

It's consistent but I don't think that means it's not a troll. Over a decade ago I posted on a different forum that had a long term troll--several months.

[Anonymous]

It can be hard on the elderly to keep moving them.

Does your mother have friends and relatives that can visit her? Have you reached out to them and let them know what’s going on?

What are the two lovely extra caregivers that you’re paying for doing? They can make her days more pleasant by engaging her in activities, take her outside, and help find friends with similar interests where she’s at.

Covid may also be making socialization more difficult as volunteers and some activities have no doubt been discontinued for the time being.

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to the activities director or other person at her AL facility? They may know of a few other people like your mom that are there and they can introduce them to your mother and foster activities together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can be hard on the elderly to keep moving them.

Does your mother have friends and relatives that can visit her? Have you reached out to them and let them know what’s going on?

What are the two lovely extra caregivers that you’re paying for doing? They can make her days more pleasant by engaging her in activities, take her outside, and help find friends with similar interests where she’s at.

Covid may also be making socialization more difficult as volunteers and some activities have no doubt been discontinued for the time being.

You don't put this on other relatives or "friends" who never visit. If they adore her, they would already be visiting.I like the other person's suggestion of asking the director to put her together with people she might click with and see what happens. We did that and it helps a lot. It's sweet too to watch the connections.