Mom depressed in her AL being surrounded by old people.

[Anonymous]

The things you will probably have to manage if she moves out:

Caregivers who get sick or don’t show up
Medication management and refuses and deliveries
Meals — especially if caregivers don’t show up
COVID
Transportation to appointments
Housekeeping / trash
Entertainment
Groceries

It’s a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The things you will probably have to manage if she moves out:

Caregivers who get sick or don’t show up
Medication management and refuses and deliveries
Meals — especially if caregivers don’t show up
COVID
Transportation to appointments
Housekeeping / trash
Entertainment
Groceries

It’s a lot.

+1 You would need to go into it with eyes wide open. And the fact that you brothers aren’t supportive (from prior threads) - that will make it particularly difficult if her condition deteriorates for any reason sbd you have to go back to the drawing board to find her an assisted living or nursing home.

Also - is her current AL part of a continuing care retirement community, so that she can remain on the same campus if her level of physical or cognitive functionality changes? That’s a real benefit. Regardless, you describe a “beautiful” AL where she seems to be going incredibly well and getting good care. On the one hand you mention that she’s benefited from the activities/socialization, but on the other hand you mention her loss of morale. I am just seeing significant risk in moving her. You will lose the multidisciplinary support system that is in place snd keeping her well. And there is no guarantee that a retirement community will solve the problem (and it will likely create new challenges). There’s no perfect solution because wherever your mother is, she is having to adapt to this loss if independence snd functionality that resulted from the stroke.

[Anonymous]

One of the problems of your plan is being sure she always has care. People who provide the type of care you will need aren’t easy to find. They get sick and need time off. It will be expensive and like running a small business. In addition to staff, you will need services like grocery delivery and medical management and medical transport. You will need a cleaning service. You will need a payroll service for taxes and insurance - which includes workers compensation. You run the risk of people going through her things and stealing.

I’d consider looking at some step down level of care such as IL with services though I’m guessing she wasn’t found eligible if she’s in AL.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Good idea, Op. But don't be surprised if she actually doesn't move.

[Anonymous]

My able bodied parents moved to a place where they felt like everyone else was "old" (my parents are 83!). So they moved to a different community where the age range is about 70-90, but very few are unable to care for themselves. They're definitely happier there.

They visited a number of places, visited the common areas and during scheduled activities to get a sense of the types of residents living there. Can you take your mom around to some of the communities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My able bodied parents moved to a place where they felt like everyone else was "old" (my parents are 83!). So they moved to a different community where the age range is about 70-90, but very few are unable to care for themselves. They're definitely happier there.

They visited a number of places, visited the common areas and during scheduled activities to get a sense of the types of residents living there. Can you take your mom around to some of the communities?

DP - if you do this I would go without your mom first.

[Anonymous]

The more youthful people may snub her. I would be careful about making major changes. I fell into doing everything mom wanted to keep her happy for years and guess what...she not only isn't happy, but she blames me. One fall and she could age quite rapidly. I would encourage her to find her people where she is and talk with the staff. This may be depression talking and as much as your convinced a move would solve it I highly doubt it will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The things you will probably have to manage if she moves out:

Caregivers who get sick or don’t show up
Medication management and refuses and deliveries
Meals — especially if caregivers don’t show up
COVID
Transportation to appointments
Housekeeping / trash
Entertainment
Groceries

It’s a lot.

This. Your mom wants to be a member of club she no longer can truly fit into. Her needs will only increase. She is where she belongs, she just doesn't want to face this. The team can help you find people for her to connect with and see if there is counseling she can access, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My able bodied parents moved to a place where they felt like everyone else was "old" (my parents are 83!). So they moved to a different community where the age range is about 70-90, but very few are unable to care for themselves. They're definitely happier there.

They visited a number of places, visited the common areas and during scheduled activities to get a sense of the types of residents living there. Can you take your mom around to some of the communities?

But in OP's situation, her mom isn't able to care for herself. Even if OP wants her mom to be around more "youthful" vibrant people, do those youthful people want to hang out with OP's mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My able bodied parents moved to a place where they felt like everyone else was "old" (my parents are 83!). So they moved to a different community where the age range is about 70-90, but very few are unable to care for themselves. They're definitely happier there.

They visited a number of places, visited the common areas and during scheduled activities to get a sense of the types of residents living there. Can you take your mom around to some of the communities?

But in OP's situation, her mom isn't able to care for herself. Even if OP wants her mom to be around more "youthful" vibrant people, do those youthful people want to hang out with OP's mom?

This. I think your mom is depressed because she is an old person and she is so able bodied anymore. She cannot run away from this. My mom thinks she is too fancy for AL. She says her young neighbors love her and in the same breath she wonders if they all have Covid because they see her and run inside their homes. Mom will say she hates how her peers complain about all their ailments, then she complains about all her ailments. Mom will report one of her old friends is just so lonely, then mom throws guilt trips that we don't visit her enough and she complains her friends are always busy. Mom who never invited us on her fancy trips with dad, thinks we should invite her on vacation. We do active things. She hates standing or walking for very long and is prone to anger fits. Oh and she complains her former neighbor who is elderly was prone to anger fits. You get the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s you again.

Your mom isn’t youthful, she needs a walker and 24/7 individual care. Of course she is depressed — by that.

But perhaps your horrid brothers will be happy if it turns out to be cheaper, so there is that.

And frankly, perhaps it is a good thing your mother is finally learning that her appearance is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

PP, you are a jerk!

[Anonymous]

Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living facilities are bad for several reasons. It's not just being around old or sick people, it's being around bad staff too. Some staff are very caring and truly wonderful caretakers but others (most) are not qualified to take care of a pet much less a human being. If you are older but still with it, it does get depressing real quick to realize that you are stuck with really sick/old people or people that don't give a crap about you. Most young people never spend much time in an ASL but if you did you would see that MOST of the hours of the day are empty and soul crushing for them.

Oh and don't think that the daily visits from the fire department and EMS taking people out of the facility regularly doesn't scare the f*ck out of them.

People on here say it all the time. "There's no good solution." Most people can't afford to have 24/7 care in their own home. It sounds like OP's mom can, but just because she is living around more youthful people, doesnt mean she will be able to make friends with them. OP's mom is in a different stage of life than "active seniors."

[Anonymous]

How do you find a place with better looking people? Do they audition, or something?

[Anonymous]

I would be cautious about relying fully on private caregivers. There's no way to be sure you'll always get reliable and honest workers, since it is a tough low-paid profession.