Can I quit my job or is that dumb
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Anonymous
| If we were in our 30s with $4m saved, we would both retire. |
Anonymous
Not $10mm in a bank. $10mm worth hard to sell assets. All brokerage accounts, pensions etc can be dissipated in divorce. Only if I can expect that my 50% of marital assets is producing income equivalent to a $250k pension for life, I would quit. OP will only get $2mm in divorce based on their assets, minus legal expenses, minus college costs for 3 kids. She would sacrifice her own retirement savings and earning capacity of around $5mm. Just do the math! Quitting for her is silly, she’s not that wealthy as an individual despite her spouse high salary. Their savings/net assets are pretty low eg not ready for retirement |
Anonymous
I certainly respect your position but I think this is probably extreme. A 250k/year spend is relatively high for a whole family, you as an individual (since the husband would pay child support) could certainly survive and live well on less. The husband in this scenario is not retiring - I agree that with only $4m saved someone needs to keep working but not necessarily both. I also think only 2 kids, not 3 as noted here, although that is a minor point. Again, if you need $10m to feel comfortable not working that is of course your prerogative but I think it’s on the very very conservative end. |
Anonymous
| If you are prepared to quit anyway, tell your company that you want full time remote. I'm not clear that you've ever directly made the ask. If they say no, quit. If they say yes, then great. Just be ready to walk. |
Anonymous
She said she would quit to have another baby so it would be 3 kids when she’s mid 40s. Not $250k/year to spend, but at least gross $250k/year to match her current personal income. She’s losing around $5mm in lifetime personal retirement savings if you calculate the present value of annuity stream. This means the family has to save another $5mm to “make up” for that. I am receiving $1300/month child support from my high earner exH. It’s based on kids needs not her need to maintain same lifestyle. With 50% custody it won’t be significant particular if exH fights it. For me it didn’t make sense to spend $150K in legal fees to get another $1k/month in support. Courts expect parent to go back to work and CS is to feed the kids; alimony is temporary, too. Of course, she can now quit based on a verbal agreement with her spouse that all these financial goals would be met over the next few years but future it unpredictable. I would quit after my goals are met and I feel secure, not before. It happens all the time - pretty catastrophic, life changing events with SAHP mid life. Never rely on other people, particular men. Love is not a written contract there are no guarantees and there are a lot of willing young women hunting for well-established wealthy men. |
Anonymous
It wasn't just that response--it was the a) my marriage is so singularly amazing, b) my husband only works with men, c)my husband never travels, d) I don't get any of my identity from work (though you probably don't know what it means to take on just the SAHP identity without the regard you get for being a lawyer), e) I really like cleaning and chores (and somehow don't think that maybe you wouldn't like them if you had to do them endlessly or hire them out and then fill your time somehow), f) discounting the fact that you're too overwhelmed to find a nanny--just think you don't want one--but somehow you're not so overwhelmed to change your life trajectory after pursuing college, graduate education and a career. I just get a vibe of willful, cheery naivete that either is really clueless or just wanting to go down a path eyes wide shut. |
Anonymous
I agree with your points except "cheery naivete". I think she's overwhelmed and depressed, leading her to ill-thought-through decisions. |
Anonymous
| Op, just get on thumbtack! It takes 1 day to find cheap good labor for home. Even if you have to spend your whole salary on labor don’t quit your job. Kids are small temporarily ! If you have boys, they will have own identity and will learn more towards dad around age 13-14. You need your own thing : if this job is not satisfying find another one |
Anonymous
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I haven’t read all the way through but it’s crazy you don’t have a nanny. With two kids in daycare, it isn’t even that big a savings. That will help a lot. You totally could quit. You have more in savings than most people amass in. Lifetime but if you prefer working, start looking for something with more flexibility, even if you don’t make quite as much (eg I’m a govt attorney and work 4 days a week, post pandemic I’ll probably go in the office 1-2x a week) There are a lot of jobs right now.
You could literally be saving 1 million a year it sounds like and still living well. |
Anonymous
Of course you’re right I’m overwhelmed - if everything was chugging along seamlessly and I loved my work and life was calm and organized I obviously wouldn’t think of quitting. The other things though aren’t really on point though. I never said my marriage was singularly amazing, just that my husband is a great partner and I don’t have any complaints - that’s just true. I’m sorry if that’s hard to believe but there are people with good marriages and it doesn’t make them naive. Of course things can always change but right now it’s good. He does only work with men, only mentioned in response to someone who thinks professional workplaces are teeming with younger women trying to steal married men - even if that is true, it’s not a risk factor for me (I know anyone can meet someone anywhere, I was just responding to the specific point about other women at work). He doesn’t travel for work, again mentioned in response to someone who said that men who travel often are likely to leave you - so that just isn’t a risk factor in my situation. You might be right about the chores, who knows what I’ll think later but right now I’d rather to them than work! Why is it hard to believe that I don’t get my identity from work? I know people seem to somehow get their worth from a “prestigious” job or even just “being a lawyer” but I don’t. I care about being a good wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend and get satisfaction from that. I don’t say that as a value judgment - if you get a feeling of worth or contributing to society or whatever from your job, that’s great (truly - I often wish I felt that way about my job), but other people feel differently. I’m mostly just surprised by how many people are like you should make all your decisions based on the chance that your husband will cheat on you and leave you destitute. Could it happen? Sure, anything can happen. But each individual marriage has its own likelihood of this happening, im sad that so many people think this is a big enough chance in their relationship that all decisions are based on assuming it will happen. (I know you will call me naive and maybe idiotic for having faith in my marriage - so be it. We will have to agree to disagree there.) |
Anonymous
| quit. I did with a supportive spouse and it was the best thing ever for the entire family. |
Anonymous
This still reads very defensive to me. FWIW I have a great marriage, married 25 years now, get identity and value from many sources: work, from my service, my roles in a family, my creative enterprises. But nearly everyone who has a job with prestige think it doesn't matter to them until they don't have it anymore and experience its absence. But you think you're going to be different. Also, just structurally in a dual income marriage the husband has to be more involved in the day-to-day, when that changes, it enables him to focus more on work away from the job, whether or not infidelity becomes an issue. But you think you're going to be different. It's not that it's inevitable, but the point is that responsible people ensure their future--and this trajectory happens enough with SAHP in your situation that you should at least think it through more and protect yourself for it. And you haven't tried ANYTHING like getting a nanny to help your situation which makes many of the responders think you're not thinking straight--you just want to go nuclear and quit indefinitely and hope for the best. But good luck, I'm done with giving unwanted advice. |
Anonymous
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I was just like you and couldn’t believe my exH was leaving double life for many years. Our marriage seemed perfect. Statistically, 70% men cheat once; 50% marriages fail.
Your husband might not like your new identity of SAHM. That’s exactly what mine was saying “you can quit anytime”, “you will have enough for life” etc. But when he cheated (I was 45 by then) he quickly called me “nobody”. I have 2 graduate degrees. For high warning husbands it’s better when wife is full time at home. It maximizes their earning potential and allows achieve their aspirations |
Anonymous
| And pardon for my auto corrections - writing from iPhone. Meant to say living, high earning |
Anonymous
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OP, I've read thought it all, have commented. I do think what people are responding to (when pointing out the potential negative) is that you keep trying to justify. Which means you are not fully convinced it's a good idea. You WANT it to be a good idea. Whatever the case, no one here is going to convince you one way or the other.
If you are determined, go for it and let the chips land where they may. |