Can I quit my job or is that dumb

[Anonymous]

You can definitely quit if you want to be a full dependent to your husband. I could never do that though as I would feel like a failure to have to depend on another adult to live. But to each their own.

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in as a person who was a SAHM while my kids were little (0-4) and then returned to the workforce in a different career track with which I am very happy that it is possible to do both!

I wasn't desperate to be a SAHM, but logistically it made the most sense for all of our lives (I had twins) and I'm really happy I did it. Plus, going back to work after being home with small people for a couple of years feels luxurious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely go with a full time nanny / housekeeper first. See how you feel after 6 months of that.

For some reason hiring and managing help seems like just more work. I know that if everything works perfectly it will be helpful but the time and energy I’ll need to put in on the front end to do this (and then hoping everything works well after hiring or I’d have to do it all over again) seems overwhelming. Is there some trick I’m missing? I’d honestly rather do all this stuff myself - I like to cook and clean and watch my kid (not everyday, she’d stay in childcare part time even if I resigned) but I’d rather do household chores and errands than my job.

[Anonymous]

If my spouse earned millions and was OK with me staying home I would quit and wouldn't even go back to clear out my desk, just bye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can definitely quit if you want to be a full dependent to your husband. I could never do that though as I would feel like a failure to have to depend on another adult to live. But to each their own.

Ignore this troll. They are jealous because their spouse can't afford to retire them and they have to schlep to a job they hate every day so want you to be miserable too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can definitely quit if you want to be a full dependent to your husband. I could never do that though as I would feel like a failure to have to depend on another adult to live. But to each their own.

This is so interesting to me. I feel the complete opposite - it’s really comforting to know that I can depend on my husband (and vice versa - if he lost his job or was disabled and couldn’t work, I would work to support him). It’s one of the best things about being in a (good) marriage, you have someone you can rely on and you can make decisions that are best for your family as a whole.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think I would quit completely, as others have said, find another job instead. I’m in finance and quit for a year, and it was extremely hard to find work with a gap in my resume. once the kids are older and in school you may regret not working. I assume you also spent a lot of time and money on your career, so I’d try to at least work part time or find a lower paying job while your kids are small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can definitely quit if you want to be a full dependent to your husband. I could never do that though as I would feel like a failure to have to depend on another adult to live. But to each their own.

This is so interesting to me. I feel the complete opposite - it’s really comforting to know that I can depend on my husband (and vice versa - if he lost his job or was disabled and couldn’t work, I would work to support him). It’s one of the best things about being in a (good) marriage, you have someone you can rely on and you can make decisions that are best for your family as a whole.

DP: I don't think there's anything ideologically "wrong" with a parent staying at home, but you sound a bit idealistic/naive to me tbh. Just know that for many seemingly wonderful, supportive marriages the dynamics change when you change roles like this. It's important to envision 10-15 years down the road. As someone now in my 50s--still in a great marriage but far less idealized, I have now seen it so, so many time with friends: people who have the "best" marriages then don't. The dynamic seems more stark with a SAHP.

Here's a total stereotyped narrative that nonetheless fits a pattern I've seen in too many--not all-- female friends who SAH:
7-10 years into SAH, husband (or wife as the case may be) starts to wonder "what it is you do all day" once the kids are at school and afterschool activities, esp. in MS/HS and you don't really see them all that more than he does. Housework/cooking really only takes so long etc. and if he experiences stress in their career it can feel unfair. You seem to take forever on basic errands, ruminate over minutiae to him. He still loves you, loves his family but it's sort of more abstract.

Also, people change and though sexism sucks, it's still true that many men (esp high earners) grow in perceived power and attractiveness as they age while women are perceived to diminish, so there's already the existing shift in gender power dynamics over time. Husband gets a little older and finds they really like the version of you they married not the one you've become after being a SAHP for 15+ years (and there are often plenty of examples that remind them of former you at work--not just physically but intellectually, and they can relate to his work, contemporary working world more etc.). And sometimes the whole family often kind of takes the SAHP for granted a bit--teen kids think you are at their beck and call to bring them forgotten work to school etc. You might to start to obsess on their academics etc. but it really doesn't add much value--your work seems to make your teens less independent and your individual identity gets sort of lost in it all. You fill your days with sort of pointless busyness.

(FWIW--I am a bit jaded, my best friend who has a grad degree quit to stay at home when she had twins right after a toddler, is going through a divorce that fits this narrative right now 15 years later. This is how she describes it. And she's not the first friend in the same situation).

So make sure whatever you choose you have an independent path forward and protect yourself, regardless of how much you believe in your spouse now. Finding it a hassle to get some household help right now and feeling like it would be relaxing to cook and do chores etc. just shows you're overwhelmed, not making a life decision in a mindful way. This is how every parent of young children feels, doubly so in a pandemic.

There was a version of you who really wanted a professional life, got a graduate degree--make sure you really don't want it for the long haul before caving in to stress right now. It's not about money only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can definitely quit if you want to be a full dependent to your husband. I could never do that though as I would feel like a failure to have to depend on another adult to live. But to each their own.

This is so interesting to me. I feel the complete opposite - it’s really comforting to know that I can depend on my husband (and vice versa - if he lost his job or was disabled and couldn’t work, I would work to support him). It’s one of the best things about being in a (good) marriage, you have someone you can rely on and you can make decisions that are best for your family as a whole.

DP: I don't think there's anything ideologically "wrong" with a parent staying at home, but you sound a bit idealistic/naive to me tbh. Just know that for many seemingly wonderful, supportive marriages the dynamics change when you change roles like this. It's important to envision 10-15 years down the road. As someone now in my 50s--still in a great marriage but far less idealized, I have now seen it so, so many time with friends: people who have the "best" marriages then don't. The dynamic seems more stark with a SAHP.

Here's a total stereotyped narrative that nonetheless fits a pattern I've seen in too many--not all-- female friends who SAH:
7-10 years into SAH, husband (or wife as the case may be) starts to wonder "what it is you do all day" once the kids are at school and afterschool activities, esp. in MS/HS and you don't really see them all that more than he does. Housework/cooking really only takes so long etc. and if he experiences stress in their career it can feel unfair. You seem to take forever on basic errands, ruminate over minutiae to him. He still loves you, loves his family but it's sort of more abstract.

Also, people change and though sexism sucks, it's still true that many men (esp high earners) grow in perceived power and attractiveness as they age while women are perceived to diminish, so there's already the existing shift in gender power dynamics over time. Husband gets a little older and finds they really like the version of you they married not the one you've become after being a SAHP for 15+ years (and there are often plenty of examples that remind them of former you at work--not just physically but intellectually, and they can relate to his work, contemporary working world more etc.). And sometimes the whole family often kind of takes the SAHP for granted a bit--teen kids think you are at their beck and call to bring them forgotten work to school etc. You might to start to obsess on their academics etc. but it really doesn't add much value--your work seems to make your teens less independent and your individual identity gets sort of lost in it all. You fill your days with sort of pointless busyness.

(FWIW--I am a bit jaded, my best friend who has a grad degree quit to stay at home when she had twins right after a toddler, is going through a divorce that fits this narrative right now 15 years later. This is how she describes it. And she's not the first friend in the same situation).

So make sure whatever you choose you have an independent path forward and protect yourself, regardless of how much you believe in your spouse now. Finding it a hassle to get some household help right now and feeling like it would be relaxing to cook and do chores etc. just shows you're overwhelmed, not making a life decision in a mindful way. This is how every parent of young children feels, doubly so in a pandemic.

There was a version of you who really wanted a professional life, got a graduate degree--make sure you really don't want it for the long haul before caving in to stress right now. It's not about money only.

+1 Couldn't have said this any better. I see this playing out over and over again with men as they become successful and the women stay home in the early years. The young women looking for powerful men play up to this. (I will probably get slammed for that comment, but it is alive and well regardless of how far we think we have removed ourselves from old dynamics.)

I would add (which has also been mentioned earlier) that once the kids are in high school, especially, I see so many women lose their own identity. "Who am I if I'm not taking care of the kids?" And once they have gone off to college....or working, moving out of the house, and all those years when kids really want their independence from their parents....frequently decades . . . And by then, careers have mostly passed the SAHP by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m thinking of resigning because I’m super burned out from working + pandemic parenting a toddler (yay Covid daycare closures), but keep thinking it’s a really stupid thing to do. Im an in-house attorney making around 250k. The hours aren’t that terrible but we are in the office 3 days/week and the commute is taking its toll (I had a kid during the pandemic so the commute is hitting a different way now, and I’m also in a satellite office with no team members or business partners, so I commute to sit in an office by myself - there has been no flexibility on this even when I point out it doesn’t make sense).

My husband has a demanding job making $1-2m but it’s in a super volatile industry and there’s no guarantee that salary will continue. He supports me resigning (I do not want a different job - it’s either keep the one I have where I have a lot of good will and flexibility built up or quit). The house is a mess, my body is a mess, and I just want a break to take care of my personal/family life - plus we want another child and I keep putting it off because of how overwhelmed I am with life already (I’m 36 so don’t want to keep waiting.)

Am I delusional in thinking it’s ok to quit? I know people will say to outsource cleaning and cooking and get a nanny to get myself more time but I honestly would rather do that myself than try to manage finding good people to do that for us.

What does your husband do? A 700k mortgage with that salary is low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can definitely quit if you want to be a full dependent to your husband. I could never do that though as I would feel like a failure to have to depend on another adult to live. But to each their own.

This is so interesting to me. I feel the complete opposite - it’s really comforting to know that I can depend on my husband (and vice versa - if he lost his job or was disabled and couldn’t work, I would work to support him). It’s one of the best things about being in a (good) marriage, you have someone you can rely on and you can make decisions that are best for your family as a whole.

DP: I don't think there's anything ideologically "wrong" with a parent staying at home, but you sound a bit idealistic/naive to me tbh. Just know that for many seemingly wonderful, supportive marriages the dynamics change when you change roles like this. It's important to envision 10-15 years down the road. As someone now in my 50s--still in a great marriage but far less idealized, I have now seen it so, so many time with friends: people who have the "best" marriages then don't. The dynamic seems more stark with a SAHP.

Here's a total stereotyped narrative that nonetheless fits a pattern I've seen in too many--not all-- female friends who SAH:
7-10 years into SAH, husband (or wife as the case may be) starts to wonder "what it is you do all day" once the kids are at school and afterschool activities, esp. in MS/HS and you don't really see them all that more than he does. Housework/cooking really only takes so long etc. and if he experiences stress in their career it can feel unfair. You seem to take forever on basic errands, ruminate over minutiae to him. He still loves you, loves his family but it's sort of more abstract.

Also, people change and though sexism sucks, it's still true that many men (esp high earners) grow in perceived power and attractiveness as they age while women are perceived to diminish, so there's already the existing shift in gender power dynamics over time. Husband gets a little older and finds they really like the version of you they married not the one you've become after being a SAHP for 15+ years (and there are often plenty of examples that remind them of former you at work--not just physically but intellectually, and they can relate to his work, contemporary working world more etc.). And sometimes the whole family often kind of takes the SAHP for granted a bit--teen kids think you are at their beck and call to bring them forgotten work to school etc. You might to start to obsess on their academics etc. but it really doesn't add much value--your work seems to make your teens less independent and your individual identity gets sort of lost in it all. You fill your days with sort of pointless busyness.

(FWIW--I am a bit jaded, my best friend who has a grad degree quit to stay at home when she had twins right after a toddler, is going through a divorce that fits this narrative right now 15 years later. This is how she describes it. And she's not the first friend in the same situation).

So make sure whatever you choose you have an independent path forward and protect yourself, regardless of how much you believe in your spouse now. Finding it a hassle to get some household help right now and feeling like it would be relaxing to cook and do chores etc. just shows you're overwhelmed, not making a life decision in a mindful way. This is how every parent of young children feels, doubly so in a pandemic.

There was a version of you who really wanted a professional life, got a graduate degree--make sure you really don't want it for the long haul before caving in to stress right now. It's not about money only.

+1 Couldn't have said this any better. I see this playing out over and over again with men as they become successful and the women stay home in the early years. The young women looking for powerful men play up to this. (I will probably get slammed for that comment, but it is alive and well regardless of how far we think we have removed ourselves from old dynamics.)

I would add (which has also been mentioned earlier) that once the kids are in high school, especially, I see so many women lose their own identity. "Who am I if I'm not taking care of the kids?" And once they have gone off to college....or working, moving out of the house, and all those years when kids really want their independence from their parents....frequently decades . . . And by then, careers have mostly passed the SAHP by.

Thanks for both of these perspectives. Yeah maybe I am naive… luckily (?!? so weird to say that bc I don’t actually think this is a good thing) my husband works with basically only men. Industry-wide problem. I don’t get any of my identity from work and went to law school because I’m a good standardized test taker and didn’t know what else to do. I totally get what you’re saying - kids grow up and you have no sense of who you really are - but I already feel that way while working. I guess the answer could be find something I’m passionate about but why do that when all the challenges with kids etc will be there just for less money? Not sure that is the answer either. Everything is a risk I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can definitely quit if you want to be a full dependent to your husband. I could never do that though as I would feel like a failure to have to depend on another adult to live. But to each their own.

This is so interesting to me. I feel the complete opposite - it’s really comforting to know that I can depend on my husband (and vice versa - if he lost his job or was disabled and couldn’t work, I would work to support him). It’s one of the best things about being in a (good) marriage, you have someone you can rely on and you can make decisions that are best for your family as a whole.

DP: I don't think there's anything ideologically "wrong" with a parent staying at home, but you sound a bit idealistic/naive to me tbh. Just know that for many seemingly wonderful, supportive marriages the dynamics change when you change roles like this. It's important to envision 10-15 years down the road. As someone now in my 50s--still in a great marriage but far less idealized, I have now seen it so, so many time with friends: people who have the "best" marriages then don't. The dynamic seems more stark with a SAHP.

Here's a total stereotyped narrative that nonetheless fits a pattern I've seen in too many--not all-- female friends who SAH:
7-10 years into SAH, husband (or wife as the case may be) starts to wonder "what it is you do all day" once the kids are at school and afterschool activities, esp. in MS/HS and you don't really see them all that more than he does. Housework/cooking really only takes so long etc. and if he experiences stress in their career it can feel unfair. You seem to take forever on basic errands, ruminate over minutiae to him. He still loves you, loves his family but it's sort of more abstract.

Also, people change and though sexism sucks, it's still true that many men (esp high earners) grow in perceived power and attractiveness as they age while women are perceived to diminish, so there's already the existing shift in gender power dynamics over time. Husband gets a little older and finds they really like the version of you they married not the one you've become after being a SAHP for 15+ years (and there are often plenty of examples that remind them of former you at work--not just physically but intellectually, and they can relate to his work, contemporary working world more etc.). And sometimes the whole family often kind of takes the SAHP for granted a bit--teen kids think you are at their beck and call to bring them forgotten work to school etc. You might to start to obsess on their academics etc. but it really doesn't add much value--your work seems to make your teens less independent and your individual identity gets sort of lost in it all. You fill your days with sort of pointless busyness.

(FWIW--I am a bit jaded, my best friend who has a grad degree quit to stay at home when she had twins right after a toddler, is going through a divorce that fits this narrative right now 15 years later. This is how she describes it. And she's not the first friend in the same situation).

So make sure whatever you choose you have an independent path forward and protect yourself, regardless of how much you believe in your spouse now. Finding it a hassle to get some household help right now and feeling like it would be relaxing to cook and do chores etc. just shows you're overwhelmed, not making a life decision in a mindful way. This is how every parent of young children feels, doubly so in a pandemic.

There was a version of you who really wanted a professional life, got a graduate degree--make sure you really don't want it for the long haul before caving in to stress right now. It's not about money only.

+1 Couldn't have said this any better. I see this playing out over and over again with men as they become successful and the women stay home in the early years. The young women looking for powerful men play up to this. (I will probably get slammed for that comment, but it is alive and well regardless of how far we think we have removed ourselves from old dynamics.)

I would add (which has also been mentioned earlier) that once the kids are in high school, especially, I see so many women lose their own identity. "Who am I if I'm not taking care of the kids?" And once they have gone off to college....or working, moving out of the house, and all those years when kids really want their independence from their parents....frequently decades . . . And by then, careers have mostly passed the SAHP by.

Thanks for both of these perspectives. Yeah maybe I am naive… luckily (?!? so weird to say that bc I don’t actually think this is a good thing) my husband works with basically only men. Industry-wide problem. I don’t get any of my identity from work and went to law school because I’m a good standardized test taker and didn’t know what else to do. I totally get what you’re saying - kids grow up and you have no sense of who you really are - but I already feel that way while working. I guess the answer could be find something I’m passionate about but why do that when all the challenges with kids etc will be there just for less money? Not sure that is the answer either. Everything is a risk I guess.

I'm the second PP. I would just be careful. It doesn't have to be that a DH is only around men. I know a man who started going to the gym. Plenty of women there. But that aside, this is more about making sure you go into this with your eyes open. Hopefully you would be one of the people who keeps a strong relationship with your DH. But if you have never felt a good sense of identity, then I would kindly suggest that maybe the problem isn't being burnt out, but simply a lack of understanding what will make you excited about life. I doubt it will be taking care of kids and doing housework. You'll be off for a couple of years and then what? Will that make you feel fulfilled? Being at the mercy of kid/s schedules, husband's schedule. And what happens if DH's "volatile" career takes a hit and he gets stressed and you need to go back to work then.

I'm not trying to play devil's advocate, I just think you are reacting vs planning and making well-thought through decisions.

I wouldn't even keep the discussion going except that if you are in a way trying to find justification for quitting, then there is something deep down that is holding you back.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely go with a full time nanny / housekeeper first. See how you feel after 6 months of that.

For some reason hiring and managing help seems like just more work. I know that if everything works perfectly it will be helpful but the time and energy I’ll need to put in on the front end to do this (and then hoping everything works well after hiring or I’d have to do it all over again) seems overwhelming. Is there some trick I’m missing? I’d honestly rather do all this stuff myself - I like to cook and clean and watch my kid (not everyday, she’d stay in childcare part time even if I resigned) but I’d rather do household chores and errands than my job.

It's not that hard. If you are overwhelmed use an agency like White House Nannies to find a housekeeper and/or nanny. I promise after a couple of years being a stay at home parent is not glamorous and it will not be easy to go back to a $250k in house job. It also changes your relationship with your spouse in a lot of ways that aren't good and can lead to a lot of resentment. There's a lot of talk about you and your feelings. Have you thought about him and the pressure it puts on him to be a sole provider for potentially the next 20 years particularly in a volitile industry? What happens if he loses his job, you are pregnant and now have no health insurance? In addition to likely quadrupling your healthcare costs by going on the exchange for a crappy plan, you have no income coming in so start going into savings. What if he gets cancer and can't work or needs to take time off? All of the burden for income, benefits and retirement shifts to him. It's a lot of pressure to put on him. I would strongly encourage you to try some of the things that have been suggested before quiting alltogther.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I would quit completely, as others have said, find another job instead. I’m in finance and quit for a year, and it was extremely hard to find work with a gap in my resume. once the kids are older and in school you may regret not working. I assume you also spent a lot of time and money on your career, so I’d try to at least work part time or find a lower paying job while your kids are small.

With Covid, I’ve found that everything is changing. I work in finance too and we just hired two people over the last year with much more significant gaps in their resumes. Things are more fluid now, and, especially given the great resignation talks, hiring managers are much more open to non traditional backgrounds and gaps on resumes. It’s all in how you frame it, but OP shouldn’t be worried about navigating out and then back in if she decides SAH isn’t for her longer-term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely go with a full time nanny / housekeeper first. See how you feel after 6 months of that.

For some reason hiring and managing help seems like just more work. I know that if everything works perfectly it will be helpful but the time and energy I’ll need to put in on the front end to do this (and then hoping everything works well after hiring or I’d have to do it all over again) seems overwhelming. Is there some trick I’m missing? I’d honestly rather do all this stuff myself - I like to cook and clean and watch my kid (not everyday, she’d stay in childcare part time even if I resigned) but I’d rather do household chores and errands than my job.

It's not that hard. If you are overwhelmed use an agency like White House Nannies to find a housekeeper and/or nanny. I promise after a couple of years being a stay at home parent is not glamorous and it will not be easy to go back to a $250k in house job. It also changes your relationship with your spouse in a lot of ways that aren't good and can lead to a lot of resentment. There's a lot of talk about you and your feelings. Have you thought about him and the pressure it puts on him to be a sole provider for potentially the next 20 years particularly in a volitile industry? What happens if he loses his job, you are pregnant and now have no health insurance? In addition to likely quadrupling your healthcare costs by going on the exchange for a crappy plan, you have no income coming in so start going into savings. What if he gets cancer and can't work or needs to take time off? All of the burden for income, benefits and retirement shifts to him. It's a lot of pressure to put on him. I would strongly encourage you to try some of the things that have been suggested before quiting alltogther.

OP, I think a lot of these responses are driven by anxious gen X’ers. The workforce is changing; you can go back and earn even more than $250k if you really want to…I know a few friends and acquaintances who have made similar comp jumps recently after taking a few years off. You only have one life to live, as others have said. And while cliche, your health (emotional and physical) and your family is more important than adding a bit more $$ to your retirement accounts to tap at the end of your life.