SAHMs that never return to workforce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

I suggested the retirement account and I didn't mean it re: distrust.

I SAHed for a bit, and we didn't save anything. Now, my retirement is WAY behind because I've contributed less and now I make less and have a smaller match. Consciously and deliberately contributing is a gesture that communicates your "jobs" are equally valuable, and that is an important signal of equality in my marriage. I wish we would/could have done it, but I would advise it if feasible.

Even if you had saved while staying home, you wouldn’t have had access to a 401k. Sounds like some of these husband are really tricking their stay at home spouses into thinking they are contributing to retirement accounts. They aren’t. Good for them for saving, but they aren’t saving in retirement accounts besides maybe a small IRA

“Tricking”? See, this is the distrust I speak of.

Well PP thinks she has retirement accounts that aren’t even retirement accounts. Sounds to be like her DH was a bit misleading, no? How would you react if I told you my employer told me I was contributing to retirement accounts that ended up NOT being retirement accounts? Would you think that was honest?

Perhaps in their situation, but you are making a general sweeping statement about husbands of SAHMs in general. Sorry to break it to you but men are not inherently deceptive and evil.

I did no such thing. Stop projecting and reread what I wrote.

You certainly did. Constantly saying SAHMs can’t trust their husbands to do right by then is insinuating they are eveik and deceptive. I think it’s you that’s projecting. Sorry your relationship sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

Unless you’re talking about an IRA, these aren’t retirement account. They may be earmarked for retirement, but they don’t have the benefits of a traditional retirement account like bankruptcy protection.

An IRA limit is $6k a year. I doubt that’s going to really provide a great retirement for you.

I’d definitely suggest looking into what these “retirement accounts” are and not just going by what your husband is telling you.

My having little understanding of these things should not be confused with my husband trying to get one over on me.

No, it doesn’t. However it does create the impression that you are ill prepared to take care of yourself and your children if something were to happen. Of course you think that it will never happen to you. That’s what everyone thinks when they make the decision to give up their earning potential. But it does happen, more than you would think. I’m 45 and have three acquaintances who became widowed virtually overnight. That is not even counting those who suddenly divorced.

Look, I am not saying that your DH is tricking you or that he is not a good guy or even that you shouldn’t do this. I know a lot of women who SAH and it’s great for them. What I am saying is that it is important to understand your financial position and consider the risk of what happens if your family’s sole source of income is no longer able to provide (ex: death, job loss, affair, divorce) Good luck.

We are well off. I’m not worried.

That’s great! As my earlier comment said, this advice does not apply if you have independent wealth. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

I loved staying home for 10 years and I love working again. It doesn't have to be either or. It was really hard to break back in though. Like, 2-3 years of proving myself again.

[Anonymous]

I thin SAHMs are awesome. I work from home (pre-COVID even) and they're a busy bunch! My totally unfair plea is that if you're a SAHM, please make sure to lean in. Women volunteers make things happen that would never otherwise happen. They are largely able to do this bc they SAH. Pick up the slack that those WOH folks can't handle.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 50yo SAHM. I had a "big" career in DC that I gave up to follow DH as his career advanced. (We traded off. Did a decade in DC for my career. Then came his turn.) We moved to another state, had two kids, and then covid came. At this point, I've been home for five years. If I did go back, I would have to work up again, but at a much older age and (frankly) without the same drive. My field is not what it once was and my prospects would be dismal anyway. OTOH, DH now makes twice what we made together in DC and his next promotion will likely double that amount again. We still live on the same budget we had in DC with everything else saved for retirement.

So, I have no professional or financial reasons to work again. That said, I have been picking up small projects here and there. The intellectual stimulation has been amazing. I feel 20 years younger. I've definitely been depressed as a SAHM. I need more than wiping butts and cleaning up toys. Hoping we can get both kids vaccinated and to school this year, so that I can get back to something that's more meaningful to me.

And, btw, we consulted several attorneys about post-nups. We were told that they would be very expensive to write and effectively worthless since they are so easily tossed out during divorce cases. The best protections I have as a SAHM are the laws of the state where we live, which would give me half of everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 44 year old single mom of a 7 year old. I have 16 years at one company and a 30 year work history. I wish I partnered or married someone who could take me out of the workforce. I just don't care about work anymore. The work from home life has made things easier but I just want to focus on parenthood and keeping a home.

You are so fortunate and smart to marry a man who values you staying home. I pray to hit the lottery so I can walk away.

I don't really believe most of our jobs are that important.

You sound like a gold-digger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thin SAHMs are awesome. I work from home (pre-COVID even) and they're a busy bunch! My totally unfair plea is that if you're a SAHM, please make sure to lean in. Women volunteers make things happen that would never otherwise happen. They are largely able to do this bc they SAH. Pick up the slack that those WOH folks can't handle.

This feels tone deaf. So, a SAHM is supposed to fill your volunteer slots, too? Sorry,
I WOH, and very consciously pursued a path that allows me flexibility to help out at school, community events, etc. The “I’m too busy” excuse is just that -an excuse. Most schools recognize that parents work, and sign ups often have roles that can accommodate their schedules (send in a snack, help a group organize end of year party, etc). The idea that all of this happens during working hours is absurd. Quit making excuses for yourself. Things work when everyone does their part, not expecting others to pick up their slack.

[Anonymous]

My husband’s mom didn’t become a sahm until she had her 3rd kid and her older 2 were in jr high and elementary school. She never went back. She has had various volunteer positions over the years, weekly “appointments” for coffee / lunch / working out with friends. She is busy and has an interesting, fulfilling life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 50yo SAHM. I had a "big" career in DC that I gave up to follow DH as his career advanced. (We traded off. Did a decade in DC for my career. Then came his turn.) We moved to another state, had two kids, and then covid came. At this point, I've been home for five years. If I did go back, I would have to work up again, but at a much older age and (frankly) without the same drive. My field is not what it once was and my prospects would be dismal anyway. OTOH, DH now makes twice what we made together in DC and his next promotion will likely double that amount again. We still live on the same budget we had in DC with everything else saved for retirement.

So, I have no professional or financial reasons to work again. That said, I have been picking up small projects here and there. The intellectual stimulation has been amazing. I feel 20 years younger. I've definitely been depressed as a SAHM. I need more than wiping butts and cleaning up toys. Hoping we can get both kids vaccinated and to school this year, so that I can get back to something that's more meaningful to me.

And, btw, we consulted several attorneys about post-nups. We were told that they would be very expensive to write and effectively worthless since they are so easily tossed out during divorce cases. The best protections I have as a SAHM are the laws of the state where we live, which would give me half of everything.

I “lean in” to my role as SAHM so that it’s not all “wiping butts and picking up toys”. I treat it like I would any profession. I subscribe to magazines about my “trade”, I train myself in different aspects of my “job”, etc. Isnt every job what you make of it?

[Anonymous]

Similar situation. I will never go back. My husband took out extra life insurance and we save/live under our means to make sure if something happens I will be ok financially.

[Anonymous]

OP please get a postnup, this is more common than you think. My DH and I understood the irreparable financial loss of a decade or more out. If you look into how vulnerable this makes you, both partners should want that security for the SAHP. I am always amazed at the enormous and unnecessary risk people take here, why? You love each other, why wouldn’t you want shared security?

Pre/postnups are financial fundamentals, and ones I’ll be teaching my daughters, along with the work and love put into lifelong marriages. Plenty of modeling for that on both sides of our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thin SAHMs are awesome. I work from home (pre-COVID even) and they're a busy bunch! My totally unfair plea is that if you're a SAHM, please make sure to lean in. Women volunteers make things happen that would never otherwise happen. They are largely able to do this bc they SAH. Pick up the slack that those WOH folks can't handle.

This feels tone deaf. So, a SAHM is supposed to fill your volunteer slots, too? Sorry,
I WOH, and very consciously pursued a path that allows me flexibility to help out at school, community events, etc. The “I’m too busy” excuse is just that -an excuse. Most schools recognize that parents work, and sign ups often have roles that can accommodate their schedules (send in a snack, help a group organize end of year party, etc). The idea that all of this happens during working hours is absurd. Quit making excuses for yourself. Things work when everyone does their part, not expecting others to pick up their slack.

I disagree. I was underemployed for a year, and I spent my time volunteering at my kid’s school. I was not just watching my kid, but everyones’. I picked up the jobs no one wanted, e.g., cafeteria shifts. I felt that this way I was contributing to the society. I’ve been back full time since then and grateful to other SAHs who volunteer.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. A postnup just feels like you have no faith in your marriage at all. I think asking code one now might actually invite trouble rather than provide security. Also, like a PO said, seems easy to get one thrown out when it comes down to actually having to use it.

[Anonymous]

That should read:

“Asking FOR one now” and

“Like a PP said”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 50yo SAHM. I had a "big" career in DC that I gave up to follow DH as his career advanced. (We traded off. Did a decade in DC for my career. Then came his turn.) We moved to another state, had two kids, and then covid came. At this point, I've been home for five years. If I did go back, I would have to work up again, but at a much older age and (frankly) without the same drive. My field is not what it once was and my prospects would be dismal anyway. OTOH, DH now makes twice what we made together in DC and his next promotion will likely double that amount again. We still live on the same budget we had in DC with everything else saved for retirement.

So, I have no professional or financial reasons to work again. That said, I have been picking up small projects here and there. The intellectual stimulation has been amazing. I feel 20 years younger. I've definitely been depressed as a SAHM. I need more than wiping butts and cleaning up toys. Hoping we can get both kids vaccinated and to school this year, so that I can get back to something that's more meaningful to me.

And, btw, we consulted several attorneys about post-nups. We were told that they would be very expensive to write and effectively worthless since they are so easily tossed out during divorce cases. The best protections I have as a SAHM are the laws of the state where we live, which would give me half of everything.

I “lean in” to my role as SAHM so that it’s not all “wiping butts and picking up toys”. I treat it like I would any profession. I subscribe to magazines about my “trade”, I train myself in different aspects of my “job”, etc. Isnt every job what you make of it?

PP here. I'm glad you've got an approach that works for you.

As for me, I'm just not that helicopter-y about it. I try not to overthink parenting. My kids are healthy, happy, and well-balanced. They do tons and tons of independent play. They watch TV every day. Speak two languages. My youngest has been reading since two and the oldest has been doing algebra since kindergarten. 90% self taught. I give them materials (Montessori stuff, mostly, and educational TV). They do the rest. Both are officially identified gifted. I spend 5-10 hours a week prepping, which has been more than sufficient.

The rest of my week is wiping butts, picking up toys, cooking, driving to appointments, and household chores. Although some people really enjoy this stuff, I don't find the search for the perfect floor cleaner to be especially fulfilling. I still read journals in my former professional field for fun, which would likely put most other people into a boredom coma.

To each their own.