SAHMs that never return to workforce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More and more fathers are taking choices of being stay at home or work from home hands on parents. Stigma of their choices is even worse but tide is turning. Sometimes, being a real man means doing a traditionally female role for your family, it takes balls to make such choice.

In all this talk of "making a choice", let's all acknowledge a big difference between a choice that's fully in your hand and a choice that someone else has to approve.

Can you speak to this a little more? What exactly do you mean?

What I mean is that staying home isn't really a choice that's all your own. Someone has to fund the family, and that someone has to agree with funding you. The choice to work is all your own. The choice to stay at home is something the husband has to approve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 50yo SAHM. I had a "big" career in DC that I gave up to follow DH as his career advanced. (We traded off. Did a decade in DC for my career. Then came his turn.) We moved to another state, had two kids, and then covid came. At this point, I've been home for five years. If I did go back, I would have to work up again, but at a much older age and (frankly) without the same drive. My field is not what it once was and my prospects would be dismal anyway. OTOH, DH now makes twice what we made together in DC and his next promotion will likely double that amount again. We still live on the same budget we had in DC with everything else saved for retirement.

So, I have no professional or financial reasons to work again. That said, I have been picking up small projects here and there. The intellectual stimulation has been amazing. I feel 20 years younger. I've definitely been depressed as a SAHM. I need more than wiping butts and cleaning up toys. Hoping we can get both kids vaccinated and to school this year, so that I can get back to something that's more meaningful to me.

And, btw, we consulted several attorneys about post-nups. We were told that they would be very expensive to write and effectively worthless since they are so easily tossed out during divorce cases. The best protections I have as a SAHM are the laws of the state where we live, which would give me half of everything.

I “lean in” to my role as SAHM so that it’s not all “wiping butts and picking up toys”. I treat it like I would any profession. I subscribe to magazines about my “trade”, I train myself in different aspects of my “job”, etc. Isnt every job what you make of it?

PP here. I'm glad you've got an approach that works for you.

As for me, I'm just not that helicopter-y about it. I try not to overthink parenting. My kids are healthy, happy, and well-balanced. They do tons and tons of independent play. They watch TV every day. Speak two languages. My youngest has been reading since two and the oldest has been doing algebra since kindergarten. 90% self taught. I give them materials (Montessori stuff, mostly, and educational TV). They do the rest. Both are officially identified gifted. I spend 5-10 hours a week prepping, which has been more than sufficient.

The rest of my week is wiping butts, picking up toys, cooking, driving to appointments, and household chores. Although some people really enjoy this stuff, I don't find the search for the perfect floor cleaner to be especially fulfilling. I still read journals in my former professional field for fun, which would likely put most other people into a boredom coma.

To each their own.

You should go back to work. You sound unhappy with your current set up,
and you’ve described your children as self-taught and gifted. If they are doing so much independent of you, they would probably thrive in another setting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know. A postnup just feels like you have no faith in your marriage at all. I think asking code one now might actually invite trouble rather than provide security. Also, like a PO said, seems easy to get one thrown out when it comes down to actually having to use it.

I’m sorry but this is just antiquated thinking and easily flipped on the inverse. The absence of a postnup is not having faith in your marriage, what’s the risk? How little do you love your partner that you would needlessly have her (most common) take this risk on?

Every SAH decision that’s anticipated to last more than a decade should have one. They will absolute carry legal weight, of course with a reputable lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 50yo SAHM. I had a "big" career in DC that I gave up to follow DH as his career advanced. (We traded off. Did a decade in DC for my career. Then came his turn.) We moved to another state, had two kids, and then covid came. At this point, I've been home for five years. If I did go back, I would have to work up again, but at a much older age and (frankly) without the same drive. My field is not what it once was and my prospects would be dismal anyway. OTOH, DH now makes twice what we made together in DC and his next promotion will likely double that amount again. We still live on the same budget we had in DC with everything else saved for retirement.

So, I have no professional or financial reasons to work again. That said, I have been picking up small projects here and there. The intellectual stimulation has been amazing. I feel 20 years younger. I've definitely been depressed as a SAHM. I need more than wiping butts and cleaning up toys. Hoping we can get both kids vaccinated and to school this year, so that I can get back to something that's more meaningful to me.

And, btw, we consulted several attorneys about post-nups. We were told that they would be very expensive to write and effectively worthless since they are so easily tossed out during divorce cases. The best protections I have as a SAHM are the laws of the state where we live, which would give me half of everything.

I “lean in” to my role as SAHM so that it’s not all “wiping butts and picking up toys”. I treat it like I would any profession. I subscribe to magazines about my “trade”, I train myself in different aspects of my “job”, etc. Isnt every job what you make of it?

PP here. I'm glad you've got an approach that works for you.

As for me, I'm just not that helicopter-y about it. I try not to overthink parenting. My kids are healthy, happy, and well-balanced. They do tons and tons of independent play. They watch TV every day. Speak two languages. My youngest has been reading since two and the oldest has been doing algebra since kindergarten. 90% self taught. I give them materials (Montessori stuff, mostly, and educational TV). They do the rest. Both are officially identified gifted. I spend 5-10 hours a week prepping, which has been more than sufficient.

The rest of my week is wiping butts, picking up toys, cooking, driving to appointments, and household chores. Although some people really enjoy this stuff, I don't find the search for the perfect floor cleaner to be especially fulfilling. I still read journals in my former professional field for fun, which would likely put most other people into a boredom coma.

To each their own.

You should go back to work. You sound unhappy with your current set up,
and you’ve described your children as self-taught and gifted. If they are doing so much independent of you, they would probably thrive in another setting.

PP here. My children are already thriving. And as I stated in my first post, when they are able to go to school, I plan to find something meaningful to do.

[Anonymous]

That's fine but make sure you get to retire too. My ex's mom was SAH and even at 80 she was cooking and cleaning while her DH just took out easy bc he was retired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know. A postnup just feels like you have no faith in your marriage at all. I think asking code one now might actually invite trouble rather than provide security. Also, like a PO said, seems easy to get one thrown out when it comes down to actually having to use it.

I’m sorry but this is just antiquated thinking and easily flipped on the inverse. The absence of a postnup is not having faith in your marriage, what’s the risk? How little do you love your partner that you would needlessly have her (most common) take this risk on?

Every SAH decision that’s anticipated to last more than a decade should have one. They will absolute carry legal weight, of course with a reputable lawyer.

I don’t get how you don’t understand that asking for a postnup is flat out saying you don’t expect things to last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's fine but make sure you get to retire too. My ex's mom was SAH and even at 80 she was cooking and cleaning while her DH just took out easy bc he was retired.

Great tip.

My DH has taken over kitchen, cooking and dropping kids to school for some years now, so that I can sleep in in the mornings. I expect he will continue even when he retires. I take care of laundry and cleaning with some outsourcing.

- SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 50yo SAHM. I had a "big" career in DC that I gave up to follow DH as his career advanced. (We traded off. Did a decade in DC for my career. Then came his turn.) We moved to another state, had two kids, and then covid came. At this point, I've been home for five years. If I did go back, I would have to work up again, but at a much older age and (frankly) without the same drive. My field is not what it once was and my prospects would be dismal anyway. OTOH, DH now makes twice what we made together in DC and his next promotion will likely double that amount again. We still live on the same budget we had in DC with everything else saved for retirement.

So, I have no professional or financial reasons to work again. That said, I have been picking up small projects here and there. The intellectual stimulation has been amazing. I feel 20 years younger. I've definitely been depressed as a SAHM. I need more than wiping butts and cleaning up toys. Hoping we can get both kids vaccinated and to school this year, so that I can get back to something that's more meaningful to me.

And, btw, we consulted several attorneys about post-nups. We were told that they would be very expensive to write and effectively worthless since they are so easily tossed out during divorce cases. The best protections I have as a SAHM are the laws of the state where we live, which would give me half of everything.

I “lean in” to my role as SAHM so that it’s not all “wiping butts and picking up toys”. I treat it like I would any profession. I subscribe to magazines about my “trade”, I train myself in different aspects of my “job”, etc. Isnt every job what you make of it?

PP here. I'm glad you've got an approach that works for you.

As for me, I'm just not that helicopter-y about it. I try not to overthink parenting. My kids are healthy, happy, and well-balanced. They do tons and tons of independent play. They watch TV every day. Speak two languages. My youngest has been reading since two and the oldest has been doing algebra since kindergarten. 90% self taught. I give them materials (Montessori stuff, mostly, and educational TV). They do the rest. Both are officially identified gifted. I spend 5-10 hours a week prepping, which has been more than sufficient.

The rest of my week is wiping butts, picking up toys, cooking, driving to appointments, and household chores. Although some people really enjoy this stuff, I don't find the search for the perfect floor cleaner to be especially fulfilling. I still read journals in my former professional field for fun, which would likely put most other people into a boredom coma.

To each their own.

You should go back to work. You sound unhappy with your current set up,
and you’ve described your children as self-taught and gifted. If they are doing so much independent of you, they would probably thrive in another setting.

PP here. My children are already thriving. And as I stated in my first post, when they are able to go to school, I plan to find something meaningful to do.

It’s sad that you don’t find spending time with your children meaningful. At least they are thriving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 50yo SAHM. I had a "big" career in DC that I gave up to follow DH as his career advanced. (We traded off. Did a decade in DC for my career. Then came his turn.) We moved to another state, had two kids, and then covid came. At this point, I've been home for five years. If I did go back, I would have to work up again, but at a much older age and (frankly) without the same drive. My field is not what it once was and my prospects would be dismal anyway. OTOH, DH now makes twice what we made together in DC and his next promotion will likely double that amount again. We still live on the same budget we had in DC with everything else saved for retirement.

So, I have no professional or financial reasons to work again. That said, I have been picking up small projects here and there. The intellectual stimulation has been amazing. I feel 20 years younger. I've definitely been depressed as a SAHM. I need more than wiping butts and cleaning up toys. Hoping we can get both kids vaccinated and to school this year, so that I can get back to something that's more meaningful to me.

And, btw, we consulted several attorneys about post-nups. We were told that they would be very expensive to write and effectively worthless since they are so easily tossed out during divorce cases. The best protections I have as a SAHM are the laws of the state where we live, which would give me half of everything.

I “lean in” to my role as SAHM so that it’s not all “wiping butts and picking up toys”. I treat it like I would any profession. I subscribe to magazines about my “trade”, I train myself in different aspects of my “job”, etc. Isnt every job what you make of it?

PP here. I'm glad you've got an approach that works for you.

As for me, I'm just not that helicopter-y about it. I try not to overthink parenting. My kids are healthy, happy, and well-balanced. They do tons and tons of independent play. They watch TV every day. Speak two languages. My youngest has been reading since two and the oldest has been doing algebra since kindergarten. 90% self taught. I give them materials (Montessori stuff, mostly, and educational TV). They do the rest. Both are officially identified gifted. I spend 5-10 hours a week prepping, which has been more than sufficient.

The rest of my week is wiping butts, picking up toys, cooking, driving to appointments, and household chores. Although some people really enjoy this stuff, I don't find the search for the perfect floor cleaner to be especially fulfilling. I still read journals in my former professional field for fun, which would likely put most other people into a boredom coma.

To each their own.

You should go back to work. You sound unhappy with your current set up,
and you’ve described your children as self-taught and gifted. If they are doing so much independent of you, they would probably thrive in another setting.

PP here. My children are already thriving. And as I stated in my first post, when they are able to go to school, I plan to find something meaningful to do.

It’s sad that you don’t find spending time with your children meaningful. At least they are thriving.

You're hilarious! Happy trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's fine but make sure you get to retire too. My ex's mom was SAH and even at 80 she was cooking and cleaning while her DH just took out easy bc he was retired.

Great tip.

My DH has taken over kitchen, cooking and dropping kids to school for some years now, so that I can sleep in in the mornings. I expect he will continue even when he retires. I take care of laundry and cleaning with some outsourcing.

- SAHM

My mom SAH and now that my dad is retired he does most of the cleaning, takes care of the dogs, household maintenance, dishes, etc. He's always looking for something to do to stay busy. Not all men are lazy and just kick their feet up in retirement. My dad is a former workaholic and needs to be constantly doing something so he's turned that energy towards doing what needs to be done around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, change the way you speak about yourself! You are valuable. You are important. What you do everyday matters. There is nothing more important than being available for your children. They need you more as teens than they did as young children. And, they’ll need you as adults. I just returned from helping my oldest and my DIL. I spent two weeks with them after she had a complicated delivery. I’m so grateful I was able to care for their three year old and help with the newborn while she recovered.

Being a SAHM/SAHW is rewarding and important work. Managing a home takes time. I’ve worked outside the home and I still work part time. I have no issues with women who choose to work. But, you should NEVER feel less than for staying at home.

I have worked outside the home since I was small, but I agree with this 1000%. Women should be able to choose the kind of lifestyle they want and raising a family is very important work.

Shouldn’t both men and women be able to choose the kind of lifestyle they want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know. A postnup just feels like you have no faith in your marriage at all. I think asking code one now might actually invite trouble rather than provide security. Also, like a PO said, seems easy to get one thrown out when it comes down to actually having to use it.

I’m sorry but this is just antiquated thinking and easily flipped on the inverse. The absence of a postnup is not having faith in your marriage, what’s the risk? How little do you love your partner that you would needlessly have her (most common) take this risk on?

Every SAH decision that’s anticipated to last more than a decade should have one. They will absolute carry legal weight, of course with a reputable lawyer.

I don’t get how you don’t understand that asking for a postnup is flat out saying you don’t expect things to last?

NP. I don’t get how you understand that there’s a difference between a contingency plan and what you expect will actually happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In 2022, family structures and lifestyles have changed, cost of living has gone up, two income household isn’t a choice, it’s a necessity. To be be brutally honest, not many women have such choices. Not everyone out there is doing meaningful or interesting work, people ate trying to make ends meet or maintain life styles even if they hate their jobs and lives or if personal or family life is suffering. Mental health is in crisis mode for all age groups.

I definitely hear what your saying. And I know I’m very fortunate to have this choice. But when I first made this decision over a decade ago, it wasn’t a choice. Child care was more than my salary and I kept getting pregnant in spite of birth control. I’m THAT statistic. We made many sacrifices and were dirt poor for a long time. My husband can be proud of getting us to this point! He has worked hard to get us here.

Don’t apologize, be proud of what you two have built together.

I mean, it’s okay to question OP’s apparent haplessness in the birth control department. There are so many damn options. One mistake, okay. Multiple mistakes? Sloppy.

[Anonymous]

I think if a woman loves being at home, her family (kids, husband) loves that she is home, the family can afford a SAHM - then why not?

[Anonymous]

OP
Volunteer help others please