SAHMs that never return to workforce?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I recently decided I will not return to the workforce. I’ve been a SAHM for over a decade. I never really had a fulfilling career to begin with. I was spending a lot of time trying to figure out what I could do, feeling a societal pressure to go back. DH makes plenty of money. I have some learning disabilities that always made work life hard for me. I could never be successful in that sense. I am happy and fulfilled as SAHM. Both DH and I feel like I am still needed at home even though kids are older. Our marriage is very good and he’s always been supportive of my decision to stay home.

I realize I am a throw back to the 1950s at this point. Most likely this post will get crickets or trolled. But I am wondering if there are any other women out there that have made this decision? I do think my disability makes things a little different for our situation, but still just curious. I feel we’ve made the perfectly right decision for us. Are we a total anomaly though?

[Anonymous]

I think its fine. You're doing what works for your family.

[Anonymous]

I could've written your post, OP, though I did have a career pre kids that I really enjoyed.

I have value at home making everything run smoothly and I like being here when our kids get home from school.

The way I look at it, maybe an opportunity will come up that is a good fit but until then I'm not trying to fix what isn't broken.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine.

I have an invisible physical disability. I’m smart, but making sure I get proper accommodations in the workforce and being able to physically do my job is pretty exhausting. I struggled with working for 20 years. I’ve now made enough that I don’t have to work as long as I spend sensibly. I was planning on continuing to work, but with the pandemic, I’m not now. It’s not safe enough for me. The pandemic has made me go from feeling slightly ashamed about this too being like whatever, it’s my life, whatever makes me happy, life is short. And I don’t even have kids. I’m sure people are judging me but whatever. I’m in a lot of physical pain, have been for 25 years, if I don’t wanna work because it’s too much of a physical struggle, I’ve decided that’s fine.

[Anonymous]

My best friends brother has a wife with a number of learning disabilities. She ended up working in event planning for her city and really enjoyed it. So I would say make this decision on what is best for you and what you want for your life.

I will caution you. My mother stayed at home. She was so done with me and my sister that she won't talk to either of us really and wants nothing to do with her grandkids. Her stance is, she raised her kids and she is Done! She does have a rich life involving interior design and ladies groups. I haven't seen her in years and it had nothing to do with covid but the fact the kids are small and we can't afford plane tickets to go see her. Think about how you might feel long term about your kids and grandkids as they age.

[Anonymous]

great that you are happy with your decision and are using your skills to make a nice life for your family.

Just be sure that you don't find yourself 10 years down the line and feeling unfulfilled. There are lots of flexible, meaningful jobs that don't require advanced degrees but allow you to learn through experience.
Follow your interests, plenty of jobs if you want one. retail, schools, healthcare, food service, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, change the way you speak about yourself! You are valuable. You are important. What you do everyday matters. There is nothing more important than being available for your children. They need you more as teens than they did as young children. And, they’ll need you as adults. I just returned from helping my oldest and my DIL. I spent two weeks with them after she had a complicated delivery. I’m so grateful I was able to care for their three year old and help with the newborn while she recovered.

Being a SAHM/SAHW is rewarding and important work. Managing a home takes time. I’ve worked outside the home and I still work part time. I have no issues with women who choose to work. But, you should NEVER feel less than for staying at home.

[Anonymous]

Op, I chose to do the same. I am the first line of support for kids issues. I work to maintain the household and ensure everything runs smoothly in the evening and weekends. I have time to do things that are meaningful to me. I am sure a lot of people don’t get it or understand it as a choice and that’s fine. We are happy and it works for us.

[Anonymous]

I stayed out of the workforce for 10 years, although I did get a graduate degree during that time (took me 6 years lol). Now that I have one kid in college and one still in HS for 3 more years, I am so thankful I have this career to throw myself into. It's keeping me sharp, I am learning to be a better person as I navigate office politics, and of course, I am contributing to our bottom line. I was bored and anxious as a SAHM once my kids were about 8 and 10. Just my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, change the way you speak about yourself! You are valuable. You are important. What you do everyday matters. There is nothing more important than being available for your children. They need you more as teens than they did as young children. And, they’ll need you as adults. I just returned from helping my oldest and my DIL. I spent two weeks with them after she had a complicated delivery. I’m so grateful I was able to care for their three year old and help with the newborn while she recovered.

Being a SAHM/SAHW is rewarding and important work. Managing a home takes time. I’ve worked outside the home and I still work part time. I have no issues with women who choose to work. But, you should NEVER feel less than for staying at home.

I have worked outside the home since I was small, but I agree with this 1000%. Women should be able to choose the kind of lifestyle they want and raising a family is very important work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, change the way you speak about yourself! You are valuable. You are important. What you do everyday matters. There is nothing more important than being available for your children. They need you more as teens than they did as young children. And, they’ll need you as adults. I just returned from helping my oldest and my DIL. I spent two weeks with them after she had a complicated delivery. I’m so grateful I was able to care for their three year old and help with the newborn while she recovered.

Being a SAHM/SAHW is rewarding and important work. Managing a home takes time. I’ve worked outside the home and I still work part time. I have no issues with women who choose to work. But, you should NEVER feel less than for staying at home.

How many hours a week do you work and what do you do?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is that uncommon, I think it is just less visible.

I have several friends in their 50s+ who never returned to work. My one caution to you is make sure you have your own interests and passions and ways to spend your time that isn't only centered on raising your family. Empty nest hits hard and can be hard on a marriage in some cases, but those who did well seemed to have interests of their own.

You may want to consider a post-nup agreement depending on the state you are in and community property rules. Have also seen women get hit hard during mid-life divorce on retirement accounts.

[Anonymous]

PS it may seem weird to bring up a post-nup, but the time to do it is when marriage is good and you've made a permanent decision like this. You're simply formalizing what you already have agreed to verbally, and it protects all involved.

You should also have a professional review your and your DH's disability and life insurance coverage. Those are super important in a single income household. You won't be able to get disability insurance but your DH needs all you can afford. You both need life insurance that will carry you until your retirement amounts are large enough to live the rest of your life on even if something happened to one of you.

[Anonymous]

This post sounds like me, but as my child needs me less I’m finding myself bored. Although I’m never going to have an amazing job, I’m looking for something now. I feel like now is the time to try and get back into the workforce and more employers are willing to take a chance on someone that has been out of the workforce awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is that uncommon, I think it is just less visible.

I have several friends in their 50s+ who never returned to work. My one caution to you is make sure you have your own interests and passions and ways to spend your time that isn't only centered on raising your family. Empty nest hits hard and can be hard on a marriage in some cases, but those who did well seemed to have interests of their own.

You may want to consider a post-nup agreement depending on the state you are in and community property rules. Have also seen women get hit hard during mid-life divorce on retirement accounts.

Fundamentally, you do what is best for you and your family. If this is what works, great! I'm glad you have the option to do that.

And, about +1000 on the bolded above. While you're not working outside the home, you should have your own retirement accounts and ensure that in the (hopefully) unlikely event of divorce, you are walking away with a monetary amount equivalent to the work you contributed.