SAHMs that never return to workforce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m right there with you!

Listen, somebody will always judge or even despise your choices. Your career. Your choice of spouse. How many kids you have. Your jeans. Your hair. Whether or not you use Botox. Everything.

And this can be sad. But it’s also freeing. If you can’t avoid judgment and vitriol for your choices, why try?

Something else that helped me was something my husband said. I said I felt a little insecure about judgment from people who had these awesome careers while I spent my time making our living room look cute. My husband, a big law partner, rolled his eyes and said “what do these people do that they think is soooo important? Are they saving lives as first responders? Getting people off death row? I write emails! So that some company can have a little bit more money! The living room is way more important. The living room is the place where you actually live your life!” (And he walks the walk, he prioritizes family and home life over work.)

I still do have my moments of insecurity, but ultimately I know that we have made the absolute best choice under the circumstances, and that working for money isn’t more important than working for a good life in other ways.

Oh, and I have a post-nuptial agreement. It was DH’s idea. I don’t think we will divorce (especially since we are 15 years in and well past the difficult little kid pet), but it’s great for my peace of mind.

Your husband sounds great. He is definitely a keeper!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

I suggested the retirement account and I didn't mean it re: distrust.

I SAHed for a bit, and we didn't save anything. Now, my retirement is WAY behind because I've contributed less and now I make less and have a smaller match. Consciously and deliberately contributing is a gesture that communicates your "jobs" are equally valuable, and that is an important signal of equality in my marriage. I wish we would/could have done it, but I would advise it if feasible.

Even if you had saved while staying home, you wouldn’t have had access to a 401k. Sounds like some of these husband are really tricking their stay at home spouses into thinking they are contributing to retirement accounts. They aren’t. Good for them for saving, but they aren’t saving in retirement accounts besides maybe a small IRA

“Tricking”? See, this is the distrust I speak of.

Well PP thinks she has retirement accounts that aren’t even retirement accounts. Sounds to be like her DH was a bit misleading, no? How would you react if I told you my employer told me I was contributing to retirement accounts that ended up NOT being retirement accounts? Would you think that was honest?

Perhaps in their situation, but you are making a general sweeping statement about husbands of SAHMs in general. Sorry to break it to you but men are not inherently deceptive and evil.

I did no such thing. Stop projecting and reread what I wrote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

Unless you’re talking about an IRA, these aren’t retirement account. They may be earmarked for retirement, but they don’t have the benefits of a traditional retirement account like bankruptcy protection.

An IRA limit is $6k a year. I doubt that’s going to really provide a great retirement for you.

I’d definitely suggest looking into what these “retirement accounts” are and not just going by what your husband is telling you.

My having little understanding of these things should not be confused with my husband trying to get one over on me.

[Anonymous]

I've been a SAHM for 7 years now, since my oldest was born. Before becoming a SAHM I was a teacher making about 40,000 a year so not only did my husband and I decide that it was valuable for us to have a parent home w/ our kids when they were little rather than sending them to daycare, my salary was low enough that the cost of a good daycare would've been similar to what I was making so financially it made sense for me to SAH too, especially once we had a 2nd kid 2 years after the 1st.

Now my oldest is in 1st grade and my youngest is in her last year of preschool. In fall 2022 she'll start kindergarten and both kids will be gone daily from 9:30-4. I could get a job. I'd LIKE to get a job because I miss having a life outside the home, I want to contribute financially to our household, I want my kids to see that both men and women work and equity in relationships/between male and female spouses in particular is important to me. But I want it to be a job that's flexible enough that when there are random days off of school or my kids are sick and need to stay home from school (or they have virtual school bc of Covid related things that likely still will be happening next school year), I can be there for my kids. And I want a job where I can work from 9:45/10 (after I drop kids at school) until 3-3:30 so I can be there to pick them up from school and be home w/ them after school hours and take them to after school activities. I'm brainstorming but I so far don't know of any jobs that would be flexible enough for me/where I could work the hours I want and take time off whenever I need to so that I can be with my kids as much as I want to be.

I hope I'm able to come up with an idea that will work for me/us but if not, I refuse to feel any guilt in staying at home. I will volunteer, I will manage the household, I will take care of myself and my spouse and kids. And there's no shame in that. It's important, meaningful work too.

I wish that: a) people didn't work so many hours in this country, b) there was a generous amount of paid parental leave after a baby is born and also just paid leave/sick leave in general so people don't have to worry about that every time a kid is sick, and c) that childcare was more affordable. If all of those things were the case, I probably would've never left my job in the first place. I loved teaching. I feel like yes, we were very fortunate that I was able to be a SAHM at all and many people don't have that choice but also, no one should have to have their kids in daycare from 7am-7pm while working long hours. Let people work 5-6 hours a day. That's much more reasonable work/life balance and most jobs are really not that important that people need to be working 40-60 hour weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m right there with you!

Listen, somebody will always judge or even despise your choices. Your career. Your choice of spouse. How many kids you have. Your jeans. Your hair. Whether or not you use Botox. Everything.

And this can be sad. But it’s also freeing. If you can’t avoid judgment and vitriol for your choices, why try?

Something else that helped me was something my husband said. I said I felt a little insecure about judgment from people who had these awesome careers while I spent my time making our living room look cute. My husband, a big law partner, rolled his eyes and said “what do these people do that they think is soooo important? Are they saving lives as first responders? Getting people off death row? I write emails! So that some company can have a little bit more money! The living room is way more important. The living room is the place where you actually live your life!” (And he walks the walk, he prioritizes family and home life over work.)

I still do have my moments of insecurity, but ultimately I know that we have made the absolute best choice under the circumstances, and that working for money isn’t more important than working for a good life in other ways.

Oh, and I have a post-nuptial agreement. It was DH’s idea. I don’t think we will divorce (especially since we are 15 years in and well past the difficult little kid pet), but it’s great for my peace of mind.

Your husband sounds great. He is definitely a keeper!

He sounds like a smart man. Earning a lot of money while his wife stays home and earns $0. He knows exactly what to say to keep her in her place. Guarantee you he would never give up his high earning job to earn $0.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m right there with you!

Listen, somebody will always judge or even despise your choices. Your career. Your choice of spouse. How many kids you have. Your jeans. Your hair. Whether or not you use Botox. Everything.

And this can be sad. But it’s also freeing. If you can’t avoid judgment and vitriol for your choices, why try?

Something else that helped me was something my husband said. I said I felt a little insecure about judgment from people who had these awesome careers while I spent my time making our living room look cute. My husband, a big law partner, rolled his eyes and said “what do these people do that they think is soooo important? Are they saving lives as first responders? Getting people off death row? I write emails! So that some company can have a little bit more money! The living room is way more important. The living room is the place where you actually live your life!” (And he walks the walk, he prioritizes family and home life over work.)

I still do have my moments of insecurity, but ultimately I know that we have made the absolute best choice under the circumstances, and that working for money isn’t more important than working for a good life in other ways.

Oh, and I have a post-nuptial agreement. It was DH’s idea. I don’t think we will divorce (especially since we are 15 years in and well past the difficult little kid pet), but it’s great for my peace of mind.

Your husband sounds great. He is definitely a keeper!

He sounds like a smart man. Earning a lot of money while his wife stays home and earns $0. He knows exactly what to say to keep her in her place. Guarantee you he would never give up his high earning job to earn $0.

You sound like you need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been a SAHM for 7 years now, since my oldest was born. Before becoming a SAHM I was a teacher making about 40,000 a year so not only did my husband and I decide that it was valuable for us to have a parent home w/ our kids when they were little rather than sending them to daycare, my salary was low enough that the cost of a good daycare would've been similar to what I was making so financially it made sense for me to SAH too, especially once we had a 2nd kid 2 years after the 1st.

Now my oldest is in 1st grade and my youngest is in her last year of preschool. In fall 2022 she'll start kindergarten and both kids will be gone daily from 9:30-4. I could get a job. I'd LIKE to get a job because I miss having a life outside the home, I want to contribute financially to our household, I want my kids to see that both men and women work and equity in relationships/between male and female spouses in particular is important to me. But I want it to be a job that's flexible enough that when there are random days off of school or my kids are sick and need to stay home from school (or they have virtual school bc of Covid related things that likely still will be happening next school year), I can be there for my kids. And I want a job where I can work from 9:45/10 (after I drop kids at school) until 3-3:30 so I can be there to pick them up from school and be home w/ them after school hours and take them to after school activities. I'm brainstorming but I so far don't know of any jobs that would be flexible enough for me/where I could work the hours I want and take time off whenever I need to so that I can be with my kids as much as I want to be.

I hope I'm able to come up with an idea that will work for me/us but if not, I refuse to feel any guilt in staying at home. I will volunteer, I will manage the household, I will take care of myself and my spouse and kids. And there's no shame in that. It's important, meaningful work too.

I wish that: a) people didn't work so many hours in this country, b) there was a generous amount of paid parental leave after a baby is born and also just paid leave/sick leave in general so people don't have to worry about that every time a kid is sick, and c) that childcare was more affordable. If all of those things were the case, I probably would've never left my job in the first place. I loved teaching. I feel like yes, we were very fortunate that I was able to be a SAHM at all and many people don't have that choice but also, no one should have to have their kids in daycare from 7am-7pm while working long hours. Let people work 5-6 hours a day. That's much more reasonable work/life balance and most jobs are really not that important that people need to be working 40-60 hour weeks.

Then start looking for a job. I find that many SAHMs use the work hours and leave as an excuse. It’s like they have this narrative in their head about how they won’t find a job with enough leave or decent hours but they haven’t even interviewed for a job!!! Find a job, get an offer and then figure out if the benefits work for you. Almost every woman I know who works has a somewhat flexible job. The work place is more flexible than ever. I hate to sound mean but the stuff you write just sounds like an excuse. Like you have anxiety about returning to work so you’re waxing some narrative about how you won’t have enough leave and you’ll be away 10 hours a day. I mean you’ve been out of work almost a decade. Perhaps things have changed??? Seriously just start looking for a job and go from there. Unless you want to be unemployed another 7 years from now telling the same sob story about how working would require no sick leave and long hours. Sounds like you’re done having kids so stop using the parental leave as an excuse too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been a SAHM for 7 years now, since my oldest was born. Before becoming a SAHM I was a teacher making about 40,000 a year so not only did my husband and I decide that it was valuable for us to have a parent home w/ our kids when they were little rather than sending them to daycare, my salary was low enough that the cost of a good daycare would've been similar to what I was making so financially it made sense for me to SAH too, especially once we had a 2nd kid 2 years after the 1st.

Now my oldest is in 1st grade and my youngest is in her last year of preschool. In fall 2022 she'll start kindergarten and both kids will be gone daily from 9:30-4. I could get a job. I'd LIKE to get a job because I miss having a life outside the home, I want to contribute financially to our household, I want my kids to see that both men and women work and equity in relationships/between male and female spouses in particular is important to me. But I want it to be a job that's flexible enough that when there are random days off of school or my kids are sick and need to stay home from school (or they have virtual school bc of Covid related things that likely still will be happening next school year), I can be there for my kids. And I want a job where I can work from 9:45/10 (after I drop kids at school) until 3-3:30 so I can be there to pick them up from school and be home w/ them after school hours and take them to after school activities. I'm brainstorming but I so far don't know of any jobs that would be flexible enough for me/where I could work the hours I want and take time off whenever I need to so that I can be with my kids as much as I want to be.

I hope I'm able to come up with an idea that will work for me/us but if not, I refuse to feel any guilt in staying at home. I will volunteer, I will manage the household, I will take care of myself and my spouse and kids. And there's no shame in that. It's important, meaningful work too.

I wish that: a) people didn't work so many hours in this country, b) there was a generous amount of paid parental leave after a baby is born and also just paid leave/sick leave in general so people don't have to worry about that every time a kid is sick, and c) that childcare was more affordable. If all of those things were the case, I probably would've never left my job in the first place. I loved teaching. I feel like yes, we were very fortunate that I was able to be a SAHM at all and many people don't have that choice but also, no one should have to have their kids in daycare from 7am-7pm while working long hours. Let people work 5-6 hours a day. That's much more reasonable work/life balance and most jobs are really not that important that people need to be working 40-60 hour weeks.

Please. There are plenty of PT and flexible jobs in this country. You just don’t want to have a job. It’s been 7 years - have you even submitted your resume once for a job???

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 50s. Left my high paying job at age 31, went part time for a bit and then SAHM at age 33 after second child was born. No regrets, although I have always worked Part time in self employed positions - some quite lucrative like my current consulting position - but only work about 20-30 hours a month. Just doing this allows my DH to save more monthly. I earn my own spending money for many things, but I completely make my own schedule for visiting kids, caring for aging parents, travel, taking time off around holidays etc. My family has loved it and I have loved it. Don't miss the money that could have been - and while we are well off, we would have been much more well off had I worked. We have lived in the same house for 20 years. I never once have I thought I wish I drove a BMW vs. my Honda or had a bigger house, a fancy bag, vacation home, more clothes. We are not stressed over money, we take amazing vacations and I have time to enjoy life. Most of all I'm proud of our kids. All accomplished, happy and grounded young people who still love to come back home. If you can swing it financially, and being there for your family is the priority over money, do it OP. You will never look back. Only caveat is make sure your marriage is rock solid. I could not and would not have made my choices if I thought divorce was on the horizon. I would be screwed in that case - and so would DH.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy! I think it's totally fine to make that choice if it's what works for your family.

I was a mostly-SAHM (had a small PT job) when my kids were little so I have a lot of SAHM friends. I'd say about half ended up going back to work (as I did too) and half are still SAHMs with kids now in HS and college. They are generally happy with the arrangement and are able to support their kids in doing more time intensive ECs that required a lot of driving and logistics when they were younger. A couple have kids with special needs that require a lot of dr and therapist visits. Some have gotten very involved in leadership roles for big school projects or community volunteering. More of them have larger families (3-4 kids) too or local aging parents that need more help so there are more at-home logistics to juggle.

Financially, we needed me to go back to work (or move to a low cost area which we didn't want to do) and I like my job most days but I also loved my SAHM years and look forward to being done with the 9-5 by the time I'm in my late 50s and #2 finishes college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been a SAHM for 7 years now, since my oldest was born. Before becoming a SAHM I was a teacher making about 40,000 a year so not only did my husband and I decide that it was valuable for us to have a parent home w/ our kids when they were little rather than sending them to daycare, my salary was low enough that the cost of a good daycare would've been similar to what I was making so financially it made sense for me to SAH too, especially once we had a 2nd kid 2 years after the 1st.

Now my oldest is in 1st grade and my youngest is in her last year of preschool. In fall 2022 she'll start kindergarten and both kids will be gone daily from 9:30-4. I could get a job. I'd LIKE to get a job because I miss having a life outside the home, I want to contribute financially to our household, I want my kids to see that both men and women work and equity in relationships/between male and female spouses in particular is important to me. But I want it to be a job that's flexible enough that when there are random days off of school or my kids are sick and need to stay home from school (or they have virtual school bc of Covid related things that likely still will be happening next school year), I can be there for my kids. And I want a job where I can work from 9:45/10 (after I drop kids at school) until 3-3:30 so I can be there to pick them up from school and be home w/ them after school hours and take them to after school activities. I'm brainstorming but I so far don't know of any jobs that would be flexible enough for me/where I could work the hours I want and take time off whenever I need to so that I can be with my kids as much as I want to be.

I hope I'm able to come up with an idea that will work for me/us but if not, I refuse to feel any guilt in staying at home. I will volunteer, I will manage the household, I will take care of myself and my spouse and kids. And there's no shame in that. It's important, meaningful work too.

I wish that: a) people didn't work so many hours in this country, b) there was a generous amount of paid parental leave after a baby is born and also just paid leave/sick leave in general so people don't have to worry about that every time a kid is sick, and c) that childcare was more affordable. If all of those things were the case, I probably would've never left my job in the first place. I loved teaching. I feel like yes, we were very fortunate that I was able to be a SAHM at all and many people don't have that choice but also, no one should have to have their kids in daycare from 7am-7pm while working long hours. Let people work 5-6 hours a day. That's much more reasonable work/life balance and most jobs are really not that important that people need to be working 40-60 hour weeks.

Please. There are plenty of PT and flexible jobs in this country. You just don’t want to have a job. It’s been 7 years - have you even submitted your resume once for a job???

DP here. No there are not. Not with hours that the PP would want and enough flexible time off. I've worked in reasonable flexible jobs and it's still hard to balance when kids get sick or there are unending snow days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

Unless you’re talking about an IRA, these aren’t retirement account. They may be earmarked for retirement, but they don’t have the benefits of a traditional retirement account like bankruptcy protection.

An IRA limit is $6k a year. I doubt that’s going to really provide a great retirement for you.

I’d definitely suggest looking into what these “retirement accounts” are and not just going by what your husband is telling you.

My having little understanding of these things should not be confused with my husband trying to get one over on me.

No, it doesn’t. However it does create the impression that you are ill prepared to take care of yourself and your children if something were to happen. Of course you think that it will never happen to you. That’s what everyone thinks when they make the decision to give up their earning potential. But it does happen, more than you would think. I’m 45 and have three acquaintances who became widowed virtually overnight. That is not even counting those who suddenly divorced.

Look, I am not saying that your DH is tricking you or that he is not a good guy or even that you shouldn’t do this. I know a lot of women who SAH and it’s great for them. What I am saying is that it is important to understand your financial position and consider the risk of what happens if your family’s sole source of income is no longer able to provide (ex: death, job loss, affair, divorce) Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been a SAHM for 7 years now, since my oldest was born. Before becoming a SAHM I was a teacher making about 40,000 a year so not only did my husband and I decide that it was valuable for us to have a parent home w/ our kids when they were little rather than sending them to daycare, my salary was low enough that the cost of a good daycare would've been similar to what I was making so financially it made sense for me to SAH too, especially once we had a 2nd kid 2 years after the 1st.

Now my oldest is in 1st grade and my youngest is in her last year of preschool. In fall 2022 she'll start kindergarten and both kids will be gone daily from 9:30-4. I could get a job. I'd LIKE to get a job because I miss having a life outside the home, I want to contribute financially to our household, I want my kids to see that both men and women work and equity in relationships/between male and female spouses in particular is important to me. But I want it to be a job that's flexible enough that when there are random days off of school or my kids are sick and need to stay home from school (or they have virtual school bc of Covid related things that likely still will be happening next school year), I can be there for my kids. And I want a job where I can work from 9:45/10 (after I drop kids at school) until 3-3:30 so I can be there to pick them up from school and be home w/ them after school hours and take them to after school activities. I'm brainstorming but I so far don't know of any jobs that would be flexible enough for me/where I could work the hours I want and take time off whenever I need to so that I can be with my kids as much as I want to be.

I hope I'm able to come up with an idea that will work for me/us but if not, I refuse to feel any guilt in staying at home. I will volunteer, I will manage the household, I will take care of myself and my spouse and kids. And there's no shame in that. It's important, meaningful work too.

I wish that: a) people didn't work so many hours in this country, b) there was a generous amount of paid parental leave after a baby is born and also just paid leave/sick leave in general so people don't have to worry about that every time a kid is sick, and c) that childcare was more affordable. If all of those things were the case, I probably would've never left my job in the first place. I loved teaching. I feel like yes, we were very fortunate that I was able to be a SAHM at all and many people don't have that choice but also, no one should have to have their kids in daycare from 7am-7pm while working long hours. Let people work 5-6 hours a day. That's much more reasonable work/life balance and most jobs are really not that important that people need to be working 40-60 hour weeks.

Then start looking for a job. I find that many SAHMs use the work hours and leave as an excuse. It’s like they have this narrative in their head about how they won’t find a job with enough leave or decent hours but they haven’t even interviewed for a job!!! Find a job, get an offer and then figure out if the benefits work for you. Almost every woman I know who works has a somewhat flexible job. The work place is more flexible than ever. I hate to sound mean but the stuff you write just sounds like an excuse. Like you have anxiety about returning to work so you’re waxing some narrative about how you won’t have enough leave and you’ll be away 10 hours a day. I mean you’ve been out of work almost a decade. Perhaps things have changed??? Seriously just start looking for a job and go from there. Unless you want to be unemployed another 7 years from now telling the same sob story about how working would require no sick leave and long hours. Sounds like you’re done having kids so stop using the parental leave as an excuse too.

Why do you even feel so strongly about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

Unless you’re talking about an IRA, these aren’t retirement account. They may be earmarked for retirement, but they don’t have the benefits of a traditional retirement account like bankruptcy protection.

An IRA limit is $6k a year. I doubt that’s going to really provide a great retirement for you.

I’d definitely suggest looking into what these “retirement accounts” are and not just going by what your husband is telling you.

My having little understanding of these things should not be confused with my husband trying to get one over on me.

No, it doesn’t. However it does create the impression that you are ill prepared to take care of yourself and your children if something were to happen. Of course you think that it will never happen to you. That’s what everyone thinks when they make the decision to give up their earning potential. But it does happen, more than you would think. I’m 45 and have three acquaintances who became widowed virtually overnight. That is not even counting those who suddenly divorced.

Look, I am not saying that your DH is tricking you or that he is not a good guy or even that you shouldn’t do this. I know a lot of women who SAH and it’s great for them. What I am saying is that it is important to understand your financial position and consider the risk of what happens if your family’s sole source of income is no longer able to provide (ex: death, job loss, affair, divorce) Good luck.

We are well off. I’m not worried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do what makes you happy. It’s your life. At this point, likely your earnings are going to be just enough to raise your husband’s tax bracket but most will go to pay services you are doing for the family or your work related expenses because you’ll spend more on car, dressing, lunches, coffee, shoes, make up, bags etc. to play the part.

If buying things, social aspect of going out everyday and people’s appreciation of you joining workforce matters to you then try few things to find something that works for you. If you don’t care to impress people or won’t find anything interesting, forget it. Life is short, can’t waste it on making impressions.

I agree with this but so many of our decisions are made on exactly this. What car to get, curb appeal of the house (what looks most impressive?) rather than livability, going into debt for the slightly more impressive sounding degree, etc.