Feminists make better MILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if my MIL would describe herself as a feminist; however, she was the primary breadwinner working outside of the home while my FIL retired early and cared for the kids. She is a great MIL and DH does more than his share around the house and caring for our children.

Same. Mine rarely cooks- lived to work (and still does- contracted back as a retiree) and was very A type and created an independent streak and strong work ethic in her kids. My DH cooks and cleans like his dad and also is the main caregiver now that my work has so much travel. I have a wonderful, capable DH (who also works full time) because of her and FIL.

The only down side- she would be horrified if I decided to quit, do nothing PROFESSIONALLY [b]and take care of the kids at home- she never did it so would not understand/support that- but I think I'd feel the same as a MIL.

Feminism is all about the freedom to choose what you want- but we have a friend who just did this (quit job to take care of 2 toddlers) and now they are having to move in with her inlaws to pick up the dime because they can no longer afford their home/cars/etc because she decided to quit. Didn't sound too cool to us but it's not our marriage. I made a joke about doing the same and moving in with her to take care of us and we had a belly laugh.

PP here. Message heard loud and clearly, people. I added the one word that hopefully makes it clear. Again, I sum up an example in my last paragraph. Don't make bad decisions and live off others. If that is not you- I'm not talking to you. Carry on/do what is right for your family/etc.

You didn’t change anything really. You still say you would be unsupportive of a daughter-in-law choosing to stay home. So clearly, your definition of feminism
means there is only really one acceptable path.

In a consumer based economy, work identity based social world, fidelity lacking marriages and divorce trigger happiness, who can really afford to stay home any more? If someone can and is blessed with finances and fidelity, more power to them.

All that and courage to utter the words, quite and vocal judgement and gossip starts pouring in as soon as you state your choice.

This^. Many young women work only for social reasons, they spend more on wardrobe, daycare, cleaner, tax, car etc then they earn but feel pressured to avoid SAHM stigma. It’s tough being a young mother.

[Anonymous]

If you take a break to be a stay at home mom or dad, it’s difficult to go back to your field.

[Anonymous]

This discussion is unrelated to the topic of the thread. As far as feminists being better MILs, they certainly are better MILs as they treat their daughters and DILs same way as their sons and SILs. There is no double standard if they really believe in feminism, not following it as a popular trend.

[Anonymous]

Only if older women can remember how difficult it is to be a young woman finding her place in social, professional, financial and relational world. We should offer support and acceptance, not hurdles and criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as women are bashing each other, we won’t get real equality. It’s not about my choice vs your choice, it’s about our right to have choices, not constriction of society approved and industrialization led limited number of choices but out of the box ones as well.

Big plus one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only if older women can remember how difficult it is to be a young woman finding her place in social, professional, financial and relational world. We should offer support and acceptance, not hurdles and criticism.

I’m willing to offer support (I’m mid-40s, have SAH for a few years, but mostly been WOH), but I also think it would behoove the same women wanting my support not to bash things like my taking five years to SAH. I’m much less likely to want to spend my breath boosting up someone who denigrates my own path. I’ve been appalled at some of the comments I’ve gotten from nieces who are at the start of their careers. I get staying home isn’t feasible or desirable to some women, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the right choice for others. Respect the choice -even if it’s not what you would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom of 2 sons. The advice I received from a more experienced mother of sons was "purse open mouth shut" when thinking about future daughters in law. I get it.

I would hope that a feminist mother in law would notice that she may have double standards. For example, it's the DIL's fault that the house isn't clean, thank you notes, the way the kids are dressed etc.

Not a real feminist mom. As far as money is concerned, DILs earn their own now and often more than their husbands, they don’t need MIL’s purse but if you have money to spare, no harm in spending on your child and his/her family if you want to and doesn’t use it as a bargaining chip.

Agree not to use as a bargaining chip - nice to toss a few bucks here and there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom of 2 sons. The advice I received from a more experienced mother of sons was "purse open mouth shut" when thinking about future daughters in law. I get it.

I would hope that a feminist mother in law would notice that she may have double standards. For example, it's the DIL's fault that the house isn't clean, thank you notes, the way the kids are dressed etc.

Not a real feminist mom. As far as money is concerned, DILs earn their own now and often more than their husbands, they don’t need MIL’s purse but if you have money to spare, no harm in spending on your child and his/her family if you want to and doesn’t use it as a bargaining chip.

Agree not to use as a bargaining chip - nice to toss a few bucks here and there

That sounds like charity not a gift or token of love. Nobody is required to spend on adult kids or their families, unless they happily and comfortably want to spend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for me as a SAHM.

I am a SAHM as was my MIL. My DIL is not a mother yet (but if she chooses that route than we will support her). We are all feminists in different ways and we are all products of our respective eras so it is expressed differently. However, we all taught our sons to respect women and the work that is traditionally delegated to women as extremely important.

There is overwhelming evidence that investing in female education and training benefits individual families, and society as a whole. Even if women do work in the formal work force, their children benefit from their education in myriad ways (better education levels themselves, better health, longer life expectancies etc.).

It is definitely possible to be a SAHM and a feminist.

Plus one

Feminism means respecting women’s work, contributions and choices. That can be SAHM or single unmarried without kids or married without kids or single carter woman or part time worker and mostly at home.

Feminism is about respecting women and different life choices in deep and meaningful ways.

Sigh. It would be great if it worked that way, but the truth is women choosing to SAHM does not further other women. So we can all hold hands and kumbaya and be respectful or whatever but SAHM only benefits men.

[Anonymous]

Not always. My cousin married a man with a highly accomplished feminist mother who went to an ivy for undergrad and grad when few women attended and she had a impressive career working full time throughout their life. The mom made snide comments about her not being good enough for her son-not pretty enough and she did not attend a fancy enough grad school. Then her jobs were mocked. My friend decided to be a full time mom when she learned one of her kids had special needs and she needed to take him to therapies, etc. She endured countless snide comments about her having no career. They went to couples therapy and it helped with many things, but somehow mommy has a major hold on her son and while they do set some boundaries he just can't tell her to STFU and stop with the barbs. Now the woman is senile though and heavily medicated so she isn't so sharp tongued.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for me as a SAHM.

I am a SAHM as was my MIL. My DIL is not a mother yet (but if she chooses that route than we will support her). We are all feminists in different ways and we are all products of our respective eras so it is expressed differently. However, we all taught our sons to respect women and the work that is traditionally delegated to women as extremely important.

There is overwhelming evidence that investing in female education and training benefits individual families, and society as a whole. Even if women do work in the formal work force, their children benefit from their education in myriad ways (better education levels themselves, better health, longer life expectancies etc.).

It is definitely possible to be a SAHM and a feminist.

Plus one

Feminism means respecting women’s work, contributions and choices. That can be SAHM or single unmarried without kids or married without kids or single carter woman or part time worker and mostly at home.

Feminism is about respecting women and different life choices in deep and meaningful ways.

Sigh. It would be great if it worked that way, but the truth is women choosing to SAHM does not further other women. So we can all hold hands and kumbaya and be respectful or whatever but SAHM only benefits men.

Really? It benefited my micro-premie who needed years of therapy after birth. But I guess we shouldn’t do things that benefit our children. Screw my flesh and blood -I must sacrifice my family’s well-being so I can advance all women! What bull crap. If you have such a one-track mind, I get the feeling you are the one holding yourself back in life, and you are grasping for societal excuses.

BTW, I went back to a career when my child was 8. I’m doing just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feminism is about supporting women’s agency in making choices for their own lives, whatever they may be. If an MIL is a real feminist, she’ll embrace her DIL the way she is and become her supporter. I can’t think of a better gift than unconditional acceptance from any parent, no matter how they met their new child, by giving birth, by adoption or by law.

this is a relatively new concept in the women’s movement. My mother fought for women to be able to stay in the workplace after marriage and children as she was forced out of her job after becoming pregnant with me in 1964. In the 70’s women were finally able to get credit cards in their name. In the 1960’s women could get the pill IF they had permission of their husband. Unmarried women could not get it. These are the things she and others fought for. Many have trouble when a daughter or DIL chooses to sah because if feels like a betrayal to them for all the hard work it took to be able to be in the workplace. My mother had a really hard time when I quit to SAH - and my children have SN -something DCUM tends to forgive if someone SAH when children are in school. She understood it intellectually- but emotionally it was difficult for her.I think of her as a real feminist even if you do not.

My generation had a hard time with SAH because we were supposed to be the Enjoli generation, (bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never let you forget your a man….’ We were told we could have it all and we could do it all. We had the hatchback babies - my son was born at noon on Monday and we were released at 9am Tuesday and no parental leave (paid or unpaid). I still have my $.59 pin - I think women are now over $.75 to men’s $1 now. That is progress.

My hope for the next wave is toward more equitable and affordable childcare options. I like that this generation has more options for parental leave for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for me as a SAHM.

I am a SAHM as was my MIL. My DIL is not a mother yet (but if she chooses that route than we will support her). We are all feminists in different ways and we are all products of our respective eras so it is expressed differently. However, we all taught our sons to respect women and the work that is traditionally delegated to women as extremely important.

There is overwhelming evidence that investing in female education and training benefits individual families, and society as a whole. Even if women do work in the formal work force, their children benefit from their education in myriad ways (better education levels themselves, better health, longer life expectancies etc.).

It is definitely possible to be a SAHM and a feminist.

Plus one

Feminism means respecting women’s work, contributions and choices. That can be SAHM or single unmarried without kids or married without kids or single carter woman or part time worker and mostly at home.

Feminism is about respecting women and different life choices in deep and meaningful ways.

Sigh. It would be great if it worked that way, but the truth is women choosing to SAHM does not further other women. So we can all hold hands and kumbaya and be respectful or whatever but SAHM only benefits men.

Really? It benefited my micro-premie who needed years of therapy after birth. But I guess we shouldn’t do things that benefit our children. Screw my flesh and blood -I must sacrifice my family’s well-being so I can advance all women! What bull crap. If you have such a one-track mind, I get the feeling you are the one holding yourself back in life, and you are grasping for societal excuses.

BTW, I went back to a career when my child was 8. I’m doing just fine.

Yes pp clearly has never had children with special needs many of whom
Need just as much support in MS and HS.

Feminism is about respecting women to make the best choices for themselves and their families …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for me as a SAHM.

I am a SAHM as was my MIL. My DIL is not a mother yet (but if she chooses that route than we will support her). We are all feminists in different ways and we are all products of our respective eras so it is expressed differently. However, we all taught our sons to respect women and the work that is traditionally delegated to women as extremely important.

There is overwhelming evidence that investing in female education and training benefits individual families, and society as a whole. Even if women do work in the formal work force, their children benefit from their education in myriad ways (better education levels themselves, better health, longer life expectancies etc.).

It is definitely possible to be a SAHM and a feminist.

Plus one

Feminism means respecting women’s work, contributions and choices. That can be SAHM or single unmarried without kids or married without kids or single carter woman or part time worker and mostly at home.

Feminism is about respecting women and different life choices in deep and meaningful ways.

Sigh. It would be great if it worked that way, but the truth is women choosing to SAHM does not further other women. So we can all hold hands and kumbaya and be respectful or whatever but SAHM only benefits men.

WTF archaic thinking is this!? SAHM benefits THE FAMILY. It benefits my husband, sure. But it also benefits my children who are not being raised by after care or nannies, and it benefits me because that’s what I wanted and desired. I did not feel happy and fulfilled going off to work every day and leaving my kids at home. I found my purpose and happiness in being a full time mom. That’s me. It doesn’t have to be you. We gave up a lot to make that happen and it works for our marriage. And being the sole bread winner does NOT mean my husband is parenting from the side lines. He’s quite involved.

Every family is different. All kinds of situations work out just fine. Bring a SAHM does not bring other women down. You can do whatever you want!

[Anonymous]

Also, what is wrong with helping your husband? I happen to love mine and he considers us a team. He is quite successful and credits me with helping him get there AND having a great family. I love men, especially mine, and don’t see what’s wrong with helping.