Feminists make better MILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is amazing and a typical Italian American Catholic boomer in all ways. This is person dependent.

She can still be a feminist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if my MIL would describe herself as a feminist; however, she was the primary breadwinner working outside of the home while my FIL retired early and cared for the kids. She is a great MIL and DH does more than his share around the house and caring for our children.

Same. Mine rarely cooks- lived to work (and still does- contracted back as a retiree) and was very A type and created an independent streak and strong work ethic in her kids. My DH cooks and cleans like his dad and also is the main caregiver now that my work has so much travel. I have a wonderful, capable DH (who also works full time) because of her and FIL.

The only down side- she would be horrified if I decided to quit, do nothing and take care of the kids at home- she never did it so would not understand/support that- but I think I'd feel the same as a MIL.

Feminism is all about the freedom to choose what you want- but we have a friend who just did this (quit job to take care of 2 toddlers) and now they are having to move in with her inlaws to pick up the dime because they can no longer afford their home/cars/etc because she decided to quit. Didn't sound too cool to us but it's not our marriage. I made a joke about doing the same and moving in with her to take care of us and we had a belly laugh.

You really need to examine all the baggage you just put into the bolded phrase. It is undermining feminism and the value of all caretakers.

Thank you, PP. I agree. And I'm a woman who works outside of the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is amazing and a typical Italian American Catholic boomer in all ways. This is person dependent.

She can still be a feminist.

100%

[Anonymous]

I believe so. My MIL is a feminist and a wonderful woman. I can't imagine having to write any "crazy MIL" posts about her like we see here.

[Anonymous]

It’s not that simple. My MIL sucks because she’s a selfish person who can’t or won’t see past her own needs and wants. I can’t imagine being a feminist (or not) would make her one little ounce less self absorbed.

[Anonymous]

As a former MIL (my son is now divorced) it's heartwarming to me to see so many positive MIL posts in this thread.

It also occurs to me that basically MILs are all just...women. If you disparage MILs or even just your MIL you are basically just attacking women. Chances are most of the women commenting here will one day be a MIL. Are you so sure that your generation will have cracked the code to be a universally loved MIL? That's a very naive assumption.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is a feminist, and supportive of my career and some measure of domestic equality (an immigrant from a patriarchal society so there are limits), but she's still totally nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if my MIL would describe herself as a feminist; however, she was the primary breadwinner working outside of the home while my FIL retired early and cared for the kids. She is a great MIL and DH does more than his share around the house and caring for our children.

Same. Mine rarely cooks- lived to work (and still does- contracted back as a retiree) and was very A type and created an independent streak and strong work ethic in her kids. My DH cooks and cleans like his dad and also is the main caregiver now that my work has so much travel. I have a wonderful, capable DH (who also works full time) because of her and FIL.

The only down side- she would be horrified if I decided to quit, do nothing and take care of the kids at home- she never did it so would not understand/support that- but I think I'd feel the same as a MIL.

Feminism is all about the freedom to choose what you want- but we have a friend who just did this (quit job to take care of 2 toddlers) and now they are having to move in with her inlaws to pick up the dime because they can no longer afford their home/cars/etc because she decided to quit. Didn't sound too cool to us but it's not our marriage. I made a joke about doing the same and moving in with her to take care of us and we had a belly laugh.

You really need to examine all the baggage you just put into the bolded phrase. It is undermining feminism and the value of all caretakers.

Thank you, PP. I agree. And I'm a woman who works outside of the home.

This. Women judging and putting down right of choice or nature of other women’s work are not feminists, just fancy feminist wannabe. My “non-working” mom was the hardest working women I’ve ever met. She worked way harder than my salaried dad did at his office. Hiring help and delegating housework and childcare let’s both me and my spouse do outside work but it’s not more work, just different type of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a former MIL (my son is now divorced) it's heartwarming to me to see so many positive MIL posts in this thread.

It also occurs to me that basically MILs are all just...women. If you disparage MILs or even just your MIL you are basically just attacking women. Chances are most of the women commenting here will one day be a MIL. Are you so sure that your generation will have cracked the code to be a universally loved MIL? That's a very naive assumption.

Um, no, I am not attacking women. My MIL was a neglectful parent to my spouse and she’s not a good MIL or grandparent. This has nothing to do with “women” but rather the difficult individual I have the misfortune of dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Yup. My nanny/cleaner/driver/shopper/tutor/household manager isn’t “not doing anything” while I do accounting work on a computer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a former MIL (my son is now divorced) it's heartwarming to me to see so many positive MIL posts in this thread.

It also occurs to me that basically MILs are all just...women. If you disparage MILs or even just your MIL you are basically just attacking women. Chances are most of the women commenting here will one day be a MIL. Are you so sure that your generation will have cracked the code to be a universally loved MIL? That's a very naive assumption.

Being a feminist does not mean you have to support or approve of everything every woman does. You can absolutely hold individual women accountable for their actions, especially if those actions subscribe to misogynist power structures or harm you personally. Women can be abusive, sexist, enabling, etc. Just like men. We can have it all!

Sorry if this seems like an overreaction but I've gotten the "you can't criticize me for things I did that screwed you over, because women are supposed to support women" thing before and I don't like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is a feminist, and supportive of my career and some measure of domestic equality (an immigrant from a patriarchal society so there are limits), but she's still totally nuts.

LOL but nuts in general, not so bad in MIL role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that simple. My MIL sucks because she’s a selfish person who can’t or won’t see past her own needs and wants. I can’t imagine being a feminist (or not) would make her one little ounce less self absorbed.

It’s that simple. Someone with an angelic mother or MIL can’t relate to the hardship of having a selfish mother or destructive MIL. They see your relationship through their lense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is a feminist but she's also 75 and acts like it. She's stuck in her ways and her own traditions and blah blah. An MIL is an MIL, OP.

Do you actually read this as "em-eye-el" in your head? I assume so, since you used "an" rather than "a", which you would use if you read it as "mother in law". Fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feminists make better MILs or worse?

If they are good people, feminists make excellent MILs, even better than biological mothers in many ways but horrible people make horrible MILs, even if they are feminists. Being a feminist doesn’t make you a loving person.