Feminists make better MILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a feminist MIL. Both of my DIL are also feminists. I adore them! One SAH. One WOH. Both are feminists. Their decision on whether to work outside the home has nothing to do with it. Admittedly, I would have had a hard time had my kids married the Trump type. But, I would have kept my mouth shut. Thankfully, my kids married smart, educated, strong, driven young women.

What is a Trumpet wife? Someone is is conservative and a sahm? Seriously you ended with the thing my MIL says driven. So if you sah you aren’t driven? I already have my degrees but this is judgy. Like oh she’s not working and showing a good example is literally what my MIL said?

Did you miss the part where I said one of them works? They are both brilliant, driven, educated, and driven. Working or staying at home has nothing to do with it. They made decisions that were best fir their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a feminist MIL. Both of my DIL are also feminists. I adore them! One SAH. One WOH. Both are feminists. Their decision on whether to work outside the home has nothing to do with it. Admittedly, I would have had a hard time had my kids married the Trump type. But, I would have kept my mouth shut. Thankfully, my kids married smart, educated, strong, driven young women.

What is a Trumpet wife? Someone is is conservative and a sahm? Seriously you ended with the thing my MIL says driven. So if you sah you aren’t driven? I already have my degrees but this is judgy. Like oh she’s not working and showing a good example is literally what my MIL said?

Did you miss the part where I said one of them works? They are both brilliant, driven, educated, and driven. Working or staying at home has nothing to do with it. They made decisions that were best fir their families.

I have no idea what a "Trump type" is given I know a wide range of women who voted for Trump, from the cliched blond SAHM to the career professional. Going by data, the typical Trump voting woman is a lower middle class to middle class working woman.

Back to the OP: no, I don't think being a feminist makes a better MIL. Because it has nothing to do with being a MIL. Unless you live in some cliched fantasy world where everyone lives by Hollywood stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not for me as a SAHM.

I am a SAHM as was my MIL. My DIL is not a mother yet (but if she chooses that route than we will support her). We are all feminists in different ways and we are all products of our respective eras so it is expressed differently. However, we all taught our sons to respect women and the work that is traditionally delegated to women as extremely important.

There is overwhelming evidence that investing in female education and training benefits individual families, and society as a whole. Even if women do work in the formal work force, their children benefit from their education in myriad ways (better education levels themselves, better health, longer life expectancies etc.).

It is definitely possible to be a SAHM and a feminist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if my MIL would describe herself as a feminist; however, she was the primary breadwinner working outside of the home while my FIL retired early and cared for the kids. She is a great MIL and DH does more than his share around the house and caring for our children.

Same. Mine rarely cooks- lived to work (and still does- contracted back as a retiree) and was very A type and created an independent streak and strong work ethic in her kids. My DH cooks and cleans like his dad and also is the main caregiver now that my work has so much travel. I have a wonderful, capable DH (who also works full time) because of her and FIL.

The only down side- she would be horrified if I decided to quit, do nothing PROFESSIONALLY [b]and take care of the kids at home- she never did it so would not understand/support that- but I think I'd feel the same as a MIL.

Feminism is all about the freedom to choose what you want- but we have a friend who just did this (quit job to take care of 2 toddlers) and now they are having to move in with her inlaws to pick up the dime because they can no longer afford their home/cars/etc because she decided to quit. Didn't sound too cool to us but it's not our marriage. I made a joke about doing the same and moving in with her to take care of us and we had a belly laugh.

PP here. Message heard loud and clearly, people. I added the one word that hopefully makes it clear. Again, I sum up an example in my last paragraph. Don't make bad decisions and live off others. If that is not you- I'm not talking to you. Carry on/do what is right for your family/etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if my MIL would describe herself as a feminist; however, she was the primary breadwinner working outside of the home while my FIL retired early and cared for the kids. She is a great MIL and DH does more than his share around the house and caring for our children.

Same. Mine rarely cooks- lived to work (and still does- contracted back as a retiree) and was very A type and created an independent streak and strong work ethic in her kids. My DH cooks and cleans like his dad and also is the main caregiver now that my work has so much travel. I have a wonderful, capable DH (who also works full time) because of her and FIL.

The only down side- she would be horrified if I decided to quit, do nothing PROFESSIONALLY [b]and take care of the kids at home- she never did it so would not understand/support that- but I think I'd feel the same as a MIL.

Feminism is all about the freedom to choose what you want- but we have a friend who just did this (quit job to take care of 2 toddlers) and now they are having to move in with her inlaws to pick up the dime because they can no longer afford their home/cars/etc because she decided to quit. Didn't sound too cool to us but it's not our marriage. I made a joke about doing the same and moving in with her to take care of us and we had a belly laugh.

PP here. Message heard loud and clearly, people. I added the one word that hopefully makes it clear. Again, I sum up an example in my last paragraph. Don't make bad decisions and live off others. If that is not you- I'm not talking to you. Carry on/do what is right for your family/etc.

You didn’t change anything really. You still say you would be unsupportive of a daughter-in-law choosing to stay home. So clearly, your definition of feminism
means there is only really one acceptable path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is a control freak, only using feminism to her advantage, she wouldn’t make a good MIL.

Yes.

Maybe a MIL who is a feminist will be more supportive of her DIL's personal needs/professional choices than one who expects traditional gender roles, but being a feminist does not mean that an individual woman can't also have a personality that interferes with relationships (both family and in-law) because she is controlling/arrogant/too attached/etc. Being a feminist might be a good start, but it does not guarantee the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for me as a SAHM.

I am a SAHM as was my MIL. My DIL is not a mother yet (but if she chooses that route than we will support her). We are all feminists in different ways and we are all products of our respective eras so it is expressed differently. However, we all taught our sons to respect women and the work that is traditionally delegated to women as extremely important.

There is overwhelming evidence that investing in female education and training benefits individual families, and society as a whole. Even if women do work in the formal work force, their children benefit from their education in myriad ways (better education levels themselves, better health, longer life expectancies etc.).

It is definitely possible to be a SAHM and a feminist.

Plus one

Feminism means respecting women’s work, contributions and choices. That can be SAHM or single unmarried without kids or married without kids or single carter woman or part time worker and mostly at home.

Feminism is about respecting women and different life choices in deep and meaningful ways.

[Anonymous]

I think feminism’s worst enemy is industrial economy’s push for individuals not having the choice to be stay at home parent and being forced to adopt “pop and drop” culture where babies are raised like chickens in daycare poultry farms.

[Anonymous]

Feminism is about choice for women, to be able to make their own decisions and not having to follow patriarchal society’s demands.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a choice to stay single, get married, get divorce, be ambitious workaholic, be stay a “house wife”, stay at home mother, not have kids, delegate child rearing to others, climb corporate ladder, find a life-work balance, find a work-life balance, leave it all to live in a commune.

Whatever choice an individual makes about living a short and complex human life, there shouldn’t be any bashing, at least not from other women.

[Anonymous]

As long as women are bashing each other, we won’t get real equality. It’s not about my choice vs your choice, it’s about our right to have choices, not constriction of society approved and industrialization led limited number of choices but out of the box ones as well.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t matter if you are feminist or traditionalist or whatever, just love whoever your kids love and who loves them back, leave details for them to figure out themselves. Don’t be a judgmental and control freak perfectionist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if my MIL would describe herself as a feminist; however, she was the primary breadwinner working outside of the home while my FIL retired early and cared for the kids. She is a great MIL and DH does more than his share around the house and caring for our children.

Same. Mine rarely cooks- lived to work (and still does- contracted back as a retiree) and was very A type and created an independent streak and strong work ethic in her kids. My DH cooks and cleans like his dad and also is the main caregiver now that my work has so much travel. I have a wonderful, capable DH (who also works full time) because of her and FIL.

The only down side- she would be horrified if I decided to quit, do nothing PROFESSIONALLY [b]and take care of the kids at home- she never did it so would not understand/support that- but I think I'd feel the same as a MIL.

Feminism is all about the freedom to choose what you want- but we have a friend who just did this (quit job to take care of 2 toddlers) and now they are having to move in with her inlaws to pick up the dime because they can no longer afford their home/cars/etc because she decided to quit. Didn't sound too cool to us but it's not our marriage. I made a joke about doing the same and moving in with her to take care of us and we had a belly laugh.

PP here. Message heard loud and clearly, people. I added the one word that hopefully makes it clear. Again, I sum up an example in my last paragraph. Don't make bad decisions and live off others. If that is not you- I'm not talking to you. Carry on/do what is right for your family/etc.

You didn’t change anything really. You still say you would be unsupportive of a daughter-in-law choosing to stay home. So clearly, your definition of feminism
means there is only really one acceptable path.

In a consumer based economy, work identity based social world, fidelity lacking marriages and divorce trigger happiness, who can really afford to stay home any more? If someone can and is blessed with finances and fidelity, more power to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if my MIL would describe herself as a feminist; however, she was the primary breadwinner working outside of the home while my FIL retired early and cared for the kids. She is a great MIL and DH does more than his share around the house and caring for our children.

Same. Mine rarely cooks- lived to work (and still does- contracted back as a retiree) and was very A type and created an independent streak and strong work ethic in her kids. My DH cooks and cleans like his dad and also is the main caregiver now that my work has so much travel. I have a wonderful, capable DH (who also works full time) because of her and FIL.

The only down side- she would be horrified if I decided to quit, do nothing PROFESSIONALLY [b]and take care of the kids at home- she never did it so would not understand/support that- but I think I'd feel the same as a MIL.

Feminism is all about the freedom to choose what you want- but we have a friend who just did this (quit job to take care of 2 toddlers) and now they are having to move in with her inlaws to pick up the dime because they can no longer afford their home/cars/etc because she decided to quit. Didn't sound too cool to us but it's not our marriage. I made a joke about doing the same and moving in with her to take care of us and we had a belly laugh.

PP here. Message heard loud and clearly, people. I added the one word that hopefully makes it clear. Again, I sum up an example in my last paragraph. Don't make bad decisions and live off others. If that is not you- I'm not talking to you. Carry on/do what is right for your family/etc.

You didn’t change anything really. You still say you would be unsupportive of a daughter-in-law choosing to stay home. So clearly, your definition of feminism
means there is only really one acceptable path.

In a consumer based economy, work identity based social world, fidelity lacking marriages and divorce trigger happiness, who can really afford to stay home any more? If someone can and is blessed with finances and fidelity, more power to them.

All that and courage to utter the words, quite and vocal judgement and gossip starts pouring in as soon as you state your choice.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom of 2 sons. The advice I received from a more experienced mother of sons was "purse open mouth shut" when thinking about future daughters in law. I get it.

I would hope that a feminist mother in law would notice that she may have double standards. For example, it's the DIL's fault that the house isn't clean, thank you notes, the way the kids are dressed etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom of 2 sons. The advice I received from a more experienced mother of sons was "purse open mouth shut" when thinking about future daughters in law. I get it.

I would hope that a feminist mother in law would notice that she may have double standards. For example, it's the DIL's fault that the house isn't clean, thank you notes, the way the kids are dressed etc.

Not a real feminist mom. As far as money is concerned, DILs earn their own now and often more than their husbands, they don’t need MIL’s purse but if you have money to spare, no harm in spending on your child and his/her family if you want to and doesn’t use it as a bargaining chip.