Feminists make better MILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feminism is about supporting women’s agency in making choices for their own lives, whatever they may be. If an MIL is a real feminist, she’ll embrace her DIL the way she is and become her supporter. I can’t think of a better gift than unconditional acceptance from any parent, no matter how they met their new child, by giving birth, by adoption or by law.

Totally agree, and I’m so lucky to have this from both my mom and MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if my MIL would describe herself as a feminist; however, she was the primary breadwinner working outside of the home while my FIL retired early and cared for the kids. She is a great MIL and DH does more than his share around the house and caring for our children.

Same. Mine rarely cooks- lived to work (and still does- contracted back as a retiree) and was very A type and created an independent streak and strong work ethic in her kids. My DH cooks and cleans like his dad and also is the main caregiver now that my work has so much travel. I have a wonderful, capable DH (who also works full time) because of her and FIL.

The only down side- she would be horrified if I decided to quit, do nothing and take care of the kids at home- she never did it so would not understand/support that- but I think I'd feel the same as a MIL.

Feminism is all about the freedom to choose what you want- but we have a friend who just did this (quit job to take care of 2 toddlers) and now they are having to move in with her inlaws to pick up the dime because they can no longer afford their home/cars/etc because she decided to quit. Didn't sound too cool to us but it's not our marriage. I made a joke about doing the same and moving in with her to take care of us and we had a belly laugh.

You really need to examine all the baggage you just put into the bolded phrase. It is undermining feminism and the value of all caretakers.

[Anonymous]

Not necessarily. I think personalities have more to do with this than ideologies.

My grandmother is an equal opportunity PIA to both her son and his wife. Feminism has nothing to do with it. She is a strong believer in women having choices, and she encourages all women to have findependence and career aspirations( she has 9 daughters and 6 of them make more or at least as much as their husbands financially).

My grandmother is just a harsh person. She is equally harsh to her children( daughters and sons)as she is to her children ILs( male and female alike). Feminism would not help her or persons with similar personalities.
She can be an outrageous MIL, but her DIL and SIL put up with her( probably because her own children put up with her behavior too?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feminist are all about women lifting other women up, you can’t find a better MIL than an authentic feminist.

But there are some who believe themselves to be "feminists" who are all about women acting like the men of the 50s and will not support a woman who choses to SAH not matter what her reasons may be.

+1. I have been a WOHM and and SAHM at different points -in both groups, there are women who excel at what they are doing, and others who mail it in. I can’t agree with treating feminists as a monolith. I think some would make wonderful MILs, and some feminists would be a nightmare. Generic labels don’t actually tell you about individual personalities.

[Anonymous]

I’m a feminist MIL. Both of my DIL are also feminists. I adore them! One SAH. One WOH. Both are feminists. Their decision on whether to work outside the home has nothing to do with it. Admittedly, I would have had a hard time had my kids married the Trump type. But, I would have kept my mouth shut. Thankfully, my kids married smart, educated, strong, driven young women.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is decidedly NOT a feminist. Even though she largely stays out of my business and she is a decent enough MIL, she is kind of a crappy grandma to my daughter. A lot of her internalized misogyny comes out in comments that my daughter has picked up on, like when she says she’s so glad she only had sons because girls are “dramatic”, she uses “sissy” and “throws like a girl” as insults, and she expects my husband to police my daughter’s dating life. It’s really affected their relationship, which is a shame but a situation of her own making.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is a typical second-wave feminist (NOW member, etc.) and I think she's great. I like that she doesn't pressure me to have more kids or stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is decidedly NOT a feminist. Even though she largely stays out of my business and she is a decent enough MIL, she is kind of a crappy grandma to my daughter. A lot of her internalized misogyny comes out in comments that my daughter has picked up on, like when she says she’s so glad she only had sons because girls are “dramatic”, she uses “sissy” and “throws like a girl” as insults, and she expects my husband to police my daughter’s dating life. It’s really affected their relationship, which is a shame but a situation of her own making.

Ugh my MIL and my mom are like this and it’s exhausting because I always have to choose between pissing them off by speaking up so that my daughter understands they are full if it, or just keeping the peace but talking to DD about it later.

I resolve it by minimizing time with either of them and letting DD know ahead of time that I don’t agree with the way they talk about women and that it’s internalized misogyny. Such PITAs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feminism is about supporting women’s agency in making choices for their own lives, whatever they may be. If an MIL is a real feminist, she’ll embrace her DIL the way she is and become her supporter. I can’t think of a better gift than unconditional acceptance from any parent, no matter how they met their new child, by giving birth, by adoption or by law.

My MIL is a “feminist” meaning she looks down if you sah. So she’s awful and super critical of me despite my degrees and social commitment to volunteer. So no I don’t think feminists are better MILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TERFs make the best MIL

LOL no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a feminist MIL. Both of my DIL are also feminists. I adore them! One SAH. One WOH. Both are feminists. Their decision on whether to work outside the home has nothing to do with it. Admittedly, I would have had a hard time had my kids married the Trump type. But, I would have kept my mouth shut. Thankfully, my kids married smart, educated, strong, driven young women.

What is a Trumpet wife? Someone is is conservative and a sahm? Seriously you ended with the thing my MIL says driven. So if you sah you aren’t driven? I already have my degrees but this is judgy. Like oh she’s not working and showing a good example is literally what my MIL said?

[Anonymous]

I can attest that the inverse is true: Misogynists are horrible MILs.

Mine is an uber-conservative, pro-life Catholic and all of the misogyny that goes along with that.

[Anonymous]

I think women who have an equitable marriage with their husband make the best MILs.

MILs who do absolutely everything for FIL: cook, clean, everything with the family, make the worst MILs. They were martyrs and they are upset you're not.

[Anonymous]

I'd think so.

My MIL is not a feminist. In her 80s, extremely traditional, and religious, she's openly said that she didn't believe in women getting equal pay as men and comments on women's looks constantly, as if their virtue is all tied up with their appearance. I sometimes feel that I have to dim myself around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think women who have an equitable marriage with their husband make the best MILs.

MILs who do absolutely everything for FIL: cook, clean, everything with the family, make the worst MILs. They were martyrs and they are upset you're not.

I want to mention that my MIL is very conservative and not a feminist. But she worked and my FIL and her have a very 50/50 marriage. I'm not conservative, but it's pretty easy to never mention politics while visiting and focus on the kids.