Feminists make better MILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a former MIL (my son is now divorced) it's heartwarming to me to see so many positive MIL posts in this thread.

It also occurs to me that basically MILs are all just...women. If you disparage MILs or even just your MIL you are basically just attacking women. Chances are most of the women commenting here will one day be a MIL. Are you so sure that your generation will have cracked the code to be a universally loved MIL? That's a very naive assumption.

Being a feminist does not mean you have to support or approve of everything every woman does. You can absolutely hold individual women accountable for their actions, especially if those actions subscribe to misogynist power structures or harm you personally. Women can be abusive, sexist, enabling, etc. Just like men. We can have it all!

Sorry if this seems like an overreaction but I've gotten the "you can't criticize me for things I did that screwed you over, because women are supposed to support women" thing before and I don't like it.

+1

Also, choices women make that disempower or oppress other women are not feminist, even if they were made by women (see: Amy Coney Barrett and Susan Collins)

[Anonymous]

A feminist MIL can be an absolute treasure, a cheerleader who isn’t expecting you to run the fastest but to run at your preferred pace so you can enjoy the path.

[Anonymous]

A feminist MIL does so much for you before she even knows you, by raising her son so he can love, respect and honor his wife as an equal individual. Once she meets you, she treats you as an equal but loves you like she loves her son, not less nor differently.

[Anonymous]

Not necessarily, depends on an individual. If she is a nice and loving person, she would embrace and lift you more than she does for other women. If she loves her son, she will love you as well.

[Anonymous]

If she is a control freak, only using feminism to her advantage, she wouldn’t make a good MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A feminist MIL does so much for you before she even knows you, by raising her son so he can love, respect and honor his wife as an equal individual. Once she meets you, she treats you as an equal but loves you like she loves her son, not less nor differently.

This is so not rooted in reality. This is a nice idea, but humans are flawed. Even feminists.

A feminist MIL can do what you described. I would never take it as a given.

[Anonymous]

My MIL wouldn’t call herself a feminist.

But she takes ZERO crap for men. Nothing pisses her off more than the phrase “boys will be boys.” She has high standards for her sons and all seven of them lived up to those standards. We rarely talk about my relationship but the few times we did, I felt like she had my back, as a woman living in a man’s world.

So I don’t know what it’s like to have a MIL who identifies as a feminist but I love having a MIL who doesn’t make excuses for men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL wouldn’t call herself a feminist.

But she takes ZERO crap for men. Nothing pisses her off more than the phrase “boys will be boys.” She has high standards for her sons and all seven of them lived up to those standards. We rarely talk about my relationship but the few times we did, I felt like she had my back, as a woman living in a man’s world.

So I don’t know what it’s like to have a MIL who identifies as a feminist but I love having a MIL who doesn’t make excuses for men.

THIS. I would much rather have a MIL who doesn’t brandish a label, but who walks the walk. I’ve met too many people in life who tell me how they label themselves, yet their actions tell another story.

[Anonymous]

My mom is a very traditional person but has evolved with age and times and have come closer to what we call a feminist. She is a strong supporter and defender of us and her DILs. They adore her. People change and evolve so even if your your MIL isn’t a feminist but just a fair person, she’ll support you.

[Anonymous]

My feminist Aunt forged a mutually loving, trusting, supporting relationship with her DIL. My cousin jokingly protests about that to everyone. Fortunately, his very traditional MIL adores him to to pieces and puts him on a pedestal so he is smug about that.

[Anonymous]

In my experience yes they do. My MIL and DIL are both strong feminists, as am I, and we support each other in different ways.

There is an understanding that life is hard enough for women and mothers, and yet respect for women and mothers is vital for society to flourish.

I adore my female ILs and I know they adore me. I do think shared feminism helps.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine marrying a man who wasn't raised by feminists. I doubt we would share the same values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure if my MIL would describe herself as a feminist; however, she was the primary breadwinner working outside of the home while my FIL retired early and cared for the kids. She is a great MIL and DH does more than his share around the house and caring for our children.

Same. Mine rarely cooks- lived to work (and still does- contracted back as a retiree) and was very A type and created an independent streak and strong work ethic in her kids. My DH cooks and cleans like his dad and also is the main caregiver now that my work has so much travel. I have a wonderful, capable DH (who also works full time) because of her and FIL.

The only down side- she would be horrified if I decided to quit, do nothing and take care of the kids at home- she never did it so would not understand/support that- but I think I'd feel the same as a MIL.

Feminism is all about the freedom to choose what you want- but we have a friend who just did this (quit job to take care of 2 toddlers) and now they are having to move in with her inlaws to pick up the dime because they can no longer afford their home/cars/etc because she decided to quit. Didn't sound too cool to us but it's not our marriage. I made a joke about doing the same and moving in with her to take care of us and we had a belly laugh.

Do nothing? I have been a stay at home mom and homemaker (yes, such an outdated word) for over a decade and let me tell you, I don’t “do nothing”. I’m raising some very well excellent and capable children and working my butt off doing it. This whole post is incredibly self righteous.

[Anonymous]

The best MILs live a plane ride away.

[Anonymous]

Not for me as a SAHM.