Toddlers at the Funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you. Hopefully your DH is a reasonable rational person. Somehow I doubt it since his family is expecting 100% attendance. Good luck.

OP—We’re in DC and service/funeral will be in Wyoming. It’s not like we can hop in the car and drive for two hours.

Can your family watch the kids and you both go? I assume that’s not a quick trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing a parent is really tough. I don’t agree with you. It’s really important for you and your kids to be there to support your husband through this. Not being there is a permanent game changer in a relationship.

+1 our entire family attends all funerals. Death is a natural part of life. And witnessing sadness in adults is part of life.

Not during a pandemic. Also, this should not become a super spreader event. The toddlers need their parents to be healthy too.

[Anonymous]

OP, family sounds like a bunch of anti-vaxxer??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, family sounds like a bunch of anti-vaxxer??

Where are you getting this from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s kind of hard to suggest covid is the reason when you were apparently just in Wyoming for two weeks. Omicron has been an issue for the past month.

I’d just be honest that traveling cross country with toddlers is exhausting and this has been an emotionally and physically draining time period for you and the kids. It’s fair. I support your position in this. I don’t agree however that toddlers are inappropriate at a funeral as a rule.

His request to have his immediate family support him at this time is also fair. I don’t have an answer for you expect to really listen to each other and try to hear each other’s perspectives.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse wants your support. His family member just died. He wants to wrap himself in his remaining family. In my culture and family, toddlers DO belong at funerals. It's a reminder that life is a cycle - people are born and people die. It's a great reminder that the family continues on with younger family members.

But hey, you do you. If you don't want to go, then don't go. Deal with whatever consequences in your relationship come from that. Or go, and hire a local babysitter in Wyoming to watch the 3 yr olds during the service. You're an adult - do whatever you want and just deal with any fallout.

You are ridiculous. Op has supported her dh but has reached her limits. What she is considering is reasonable. Also Covid.

Sometimes you have to dig down and rally. This is one of those times.

But, OP, you do you. We’ll be here for advice when your DH brings up you not going to his parent’s funeral. And he will.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn’t want to go either between the travel with young kids and Covid risks. If they hold that against you, that says more about them than you. It doesn’t mean you don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Losing a parent is really tough. I don’t agree with you. It’s really important for you and your kids to be there to support your husband through this. Not being there is a permanent game changer in a relationship.

+1

[Anonymous]

Is OP asking DCUM what her husband wants?

Everyone is different and this is a different time.

My Dad died in April and I went alone. I wasn’t going to drag my kid though Covid just to be there and still need to take care of kid while helping everyone else.

OP would have no time with DH caring for the kids.

DH go alone. This isn’t hiding from death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please rethink your plan.
I know exhaustion from things like this. If it was a beloved Aunt, Uncle or cousin, this is a fine approach.

Immediate family member - you need to be there. Life is too short - do everything you can to simplify and make it happen.

np I would agree with you if the kids were older and vaccinated. No way would I take two 3 year olds to Wyoming for a funeral especially since they were just there.

Stand your ground op

[Anonymous]

I think another poster mentioned this, but if this were a DW posted saying she wanted her DH at her dad’s funeral to support her, but he said he thought she should go alone and he’d stay home with the kids, everyone would pile on and talk about what a shitty, unsupportive DH she has.

DH specifically voiced what he needed in a time that should be about him, and not about the wife’s convenience. Maybe some of you would rather go to the funeral alone. That’s fine. That’s valid. But the person grieving in this relationship says he needs something different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is this even a question? Support your spouse. Always. [/quote]

Sorry but op and her dh needs to think of their kids' needs. Pre-covid, fine travel and support him but, not now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is OP asking DCUM what her husband wants?

Everyone is different and this is a different time.

My Dad died in April and I went alone. I wasn’t going to drag my kid though Covid just to be there and still need to take care of kid while helping everyone else.

OP would have no time with DH caring for the kids.

DH go alone. This isn’t hiding from death.

+1 My dad died in March (in a different state) and DH and my teens came for the funeral. DH insisted that we should all stay for the full week and frankly it was annoying after the first few days. At their age it was definitely important for them to be at the funeral (they were very close to my dad) but they should have gone home after that. The kids and DH were trying to do school remotely, I was helping my mom with stuff. I know he wanted to be supportive but it was more about what he thought would be supportive vs. what really worked for me. I went back about 6 weeks later to have some time just with mom and my sister to work on helping her with figuring out the financials, planning for a move that had been set up before my dad's death, etc. It was much better for me to be on my own.

[Anonymous]

What is MOF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is MOF?

Probably Multiple Organ Failure