Toddlers at the Funeral

[Anonymous]

You should be there in person to support your husband. Full stop. If he didn’t careC it wouldn’t matter. But he does, and that’s that. My answer might be different if you had not been traveling because of Covid etc but that doesn’t seem to be the case. If you can go for a vacation, you can go for a family funeral. Sorry that it won’t be fun.

[Anonymous]

I just came from a funeral where toddlers were present and honestly, unless the deceased is the toddler's parent, I don't see a reason for them to go.

No matter how much the parents tried, all of them were disruptive at one point or another.

Plus, they really were a distraction even during the viewing the evening before the funeral service. Out of town relatives were understandably excited to see the toddlers and doting on them. This made some of the toddlers ham it up even more and act out for attention.

A funeral isn't a place for toddlers or even younger kids who have issues being quiet and sitting still for at least 30 mins.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I each lost a parent over the past year. I can’t imagine not being there for each other’s parents’ funerals- we really needed each other during this time.

There were toddlers at both funerals and they were a welcome distraction. The joy of new life was a comfort, especially when that life exists partly because of the life choices made by the deceased.

I can’t stress enough how much stronger your husband will feel with you and your children with him during the funeral and surrounding events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just came from a funeral where toddlers were present and honestly, unless the deceased is the toddler's parent, I don't see a reason for them to go.

No matter how much the parents tried, all of them were disruptive at one point or another.

Plus, they really were a distraction even during the viewing the evening before the funeral service. Out of town relatives were understandably excited to see the toddlers and doting on them. This made some of the toddlers ham it up even more and act out for attention.

A funeral isn't a place for toddlers or even younger kids who have issues being quiet and sitting still for at least 30 mins.

Why does everyone think that traveling with small children on a funeral trip means they must attend a funeral? We had this situation, and preschooler and toddler twins made the trip, but were left with a sitter for the funeral, itself. Maybe DH wants his children near him so that he can have moments with his future, not dwelling 24/7 on what will never be again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just came from a funeral where toddlers were present and honestly, unless the deceased is the toddler's parent, I don't see a reason for them to go.

No matter how much the parents tried, all of them were disruptive at one point or another.

Plus, they really were a distraction even during the viewing the evening before the funeral service. Out of town relatives were understandably excited to see the toddlers and doting on them. This made some of the toddlers ham it up even more and act out for attention.

A funeral isn't a place for toddlers or even younger kids who have issues being quiet and sitting still for at least 30 mins.

Why does everyone think that traveling with small children on a funeral trip means they must attend a funeral? We had this situation, and preschooler and toddler twins made the trip, but were left with a sitter for the funeral, itself. Maybe DH wants his children near him so that he can have moments with his future, not dwelling 24/7 on what will never be again.

+1 the toddlers don't have to be at every event but they can still make the trip since that is what DH wants

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on team you need to be there. And toddlers at a funeral is perfectly fine, natural, and even right. They are also part of the family. But I also believe in inviting children to weddings which is out of fashion these days as well.

And I know I would not be “rational and understanding “ if my SPOUSE would not attend my parents funeral. I’d seriously doubt the whole marriage, sorry.

I agree.

DP. I did not attend my FIL's funeral. Nope, not feeding the DCUM beast with reasons; that's not the point. I'm still happily married 15 years later, though of course you'll swear it can't be "happily" because apparently you can read the minds of total strangers.

Before you come back to rant that my DH secretly hates me and will carry resentment to the grave, I'll add that my own mother didn't have a funeral at all, and my brother who died last year didn't have a funeral but a casual memorial service (which our college DC did not attend--I'm sure you'll say she's forever persona non grata with his widow, right?). None if this remotely covid-related, by the way.

Some families do what they can to attend funerals but do not add to the grieving and pain by melting down into hysterics, divorce threats and "doubting my whole marriage" if there are circumstances preventing attendance.

I assume your DH was fine with you not going. OPs DH did want his wife and kids there. That is a totally different situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on team you need to be there. And toddlers at a funeral is perfectly fine, natural, and even right. They are also part of the family. But I also believe in inviting children to weddings which is out of fashion these days as well.

And I know I would not be “rational and understanding “ if my SPOUSE would not attend my parents funeral. I’d seriously doubt the whole marriage, sorry.

I agree.

DP. I did not attend my FIL's funeral. Nope, not feeding the DCUM beast with reasons; that's not the point. I'm still happily married 15 years later, though of course you'll swear it can't be "happily" because apparently you can read the minds of total strangers.

Before you come back to rant that my DH secretly hates me and will carry resentment to the grave, I'll add that my own mother didn't have a funeral at all, and my brother who died last year didn't have a funeral but a casual memorial service (which our college DC did not attend--I'm sure you'll say she's forever persona non grata with his widow, right?). None if this remotely covid-related, by the way.

Some families do what they can to attend funerals but do not add to the grieving and pain by melting down into hysterics, divorce threats and "doubting my whole marriage" if there are circumstances preventing attendance.

I assume your DH was fine with you not going. OPs DH did want his wife and kids there. That is a totally different situation

+1,000. Great that the PP and her DH are on the same page about funeral attendance. But for OP’s DH, his wife and children there was what HE wanted. In that situation, a refusal to go is completely different. Why is this so hard to comprehend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please rethink your plan.
I know exhaustion from things like this. If it was a beloved Aunt, Uncle or cousin, this is a fine approach.

Immediate family member - you need to be there. Life is too short - do everything you can to simplify and make it happen.

This. Please be there for your husband and his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please rethink your plan.
I know exhaustion from things like this. If it was a beloved Aunt, Uncle or cousin, this is a fine approach.

Immediate family member - you need to be there. Life is too short - do everything you can to simplify and make it happen.

This. Please be there for your husband and his family.

Next time, read the thread before chiming in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age is not the problem, Omicron is. I would not go to a funeral right now, at the peak of the Omicron surge.

Many years ago, we flew to Europe and Asia with our then toddler for my grandmother's, then grandfather's funerals, back-to-back. The timing and opposite jet lags made it exhausting, but since there was no pandemic at the time, we felt it was our duty.

Children at funerals are valuable comfort for the grieving family members. Our relatives' faces lit up when they saw my son. He was not in the least perturbed by any of it, including the Japanese ritual of passing the deceased's bones from person to person to put in the urn. Since then we've had several more funerals, and I've always noticed that people are cheered by the presence of children.

But right now, please don't go. It's not responsible for any of us to contribute to viral spread.

+1
There is nothing wrong with children attending funerals. It's pretty common in many cultures and families, and is a comfort for many people. I would not, however, take small children to a funeral right this moment, because of omicron.

We cannot continue to run away from life for what is basically a cold. Omicron isn’t the threat the original COVID 19 virus was. My whole family has omicron right now. And yes we were all vaccinated and eligible members were boosted. Still got it. And we were absolutely fine. As is about 90% of the population that’s gotten it. We must move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just came from a funeral where toddlers were present and honestly, unless the deceased is the toddler's parent, I don't see a reason for them to go.

No matter how much the parents tried, all of them were disruptive at one point or another.

Plus, they really were a distraction even during the viewing the evening before the funeral service. Out of town relatives were understandably excited to see the toddlers and doting on them. This made some of the toddlers ham it up even more and act out for attention.

A funeral isn't a place for toddlers or even younger kids who have issues being quiet and sitting still for at least 30 mins.

Why is that? Death is a part of life. As are noisy toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing a parent is really tough. I don’t agree with you. It’s really important for you and your kids to be there to support your husband through this. Not being there is a permanent game changer in a relationship.

Give me a break. How are 2 toddlers at a funeral being helpful. If anything they are a distraction (melt downs) which sounds like what op is trying to avoid.

I consider children to be a huge comfort at funerals. Children say that life goes in. Children bring smiles, children bring hugs and unreserved joy. And extended family of all kinds is IMO a great comfort. Out the grieving people first. If dad and the grandparent would be comforted by their presence, you bring them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a tough call. I have twins, we’ve always had to travel for family events, and I lost a parent less than 6 months ago and a cousin 2 months ago. I see all sides of this. Covid might be a huge concern, depending on how crowded the funeral service might be. My cousin’s celebration of life was jam packed. Hundreds of people crammed into two large rooms for hours and my mother and I were the only ones wearing masks. That’s much riskier than, say, 3 or 4 households being under the same roof for a visit.

I know your husband would like all of you to be there. Is it possible for someone to watch your unvaccinated children in your home while you and your husband go? He really needs you. This would be a good compromise. Alternatively, does he have friends in Wyoming who could watch the kids for you on the day of the funeral?

OP here—I have asked if church can provide a babysitter for a few hours and I have two sets of friends that offered to help if needed. DH wants the kids at the service and I am putting my foot down on this one.

You are “putting your foot down”??? These are HIS CHILDREN too. If they will be a comfort to him during the service, you bring them. What kind of a monster are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a tough call. I have twins, we’ve always had to travel for family events, and I lost a parent less than 6 months ago and a cousin 2 months ago. I see all sides of this. Covid might be a huge concern, depending on how crowded the funeral service might be. My cousin’s celebration of life was jam packed. Hundreds of people crammed into two large rooms for hours and my mother and I were the only ones wearing masks. That’s much riskier than, say, 3 or 4 households being under the same roof for a visit.

I know your husband would like all of you to be there. Is it possible for someone to watch your unvaccinated children in your home while you and your husband go? He really needs you. This would be a good compromise. Alternatively, does he have friends in Wyoming who could watch the kids for you on the day of the funeral?

OP here—I have asked if church can provide a babysitter for a few hours and I have two sets of friends that offered to help if needed. DH wants the kids at the service and I am putting my foot down on this one.

You are “putting your foot down”??? These are HIS CHILDREN too. If they will be a comfort to him during the service, you bring them. What kind of a monster are you?

+1. OP has to be a troll. I can’t imagine anyone being this nasty about a grieving spouse’s preference at HIS parent’s funeral.

OP, when the divorce comes, don’t act all shocked. I’ve known women like you. Those marriages have all ended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My rule is no children between 4 and 10 at funerals. There is too much that they don’t understand that can be better learned at 10 or 11.

That is nutty. I am an elementary school teacher. Children can and should certainly understand death. For some families, funerals are an important ritual and part of a culture. In my Irish family, I attended countless funerals as a child. My child is 8 and I’d have him attend any family member’s service.