Toddlers at the Funeral

[Anonymous]

Do you have family who could stay with the kids in your home and you fly out for the day of the funeral? In normal times I’d support bringing them, but things are different in this Covid-era. My kids were little when my dad died and we all were there, but we had friends help with the kids during the actual services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you married to the mafia? Your husband's family can't demand 100 percent attendance. You yourself really should go, so I'd try and get a sitter. But if you can't, then don't go and don't bring the kids -- any reasonable family member will completely understand.

Her husband has asked that his family be there. It’s his parent that died.

[Anonymous]

You both have valid points. Having the whole family, including young children, together for the funeral is understandable. They are not too young. However, traveling with toddlers to Wyoming during a Covid surge sounds miserable. Please try to be gentle with each other as you decide what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Losing a parent is really tough. I don’t agree with you. It’s really important for you and your kids to be there to support your husband through this. Not being there is a permanent game changer in a relationship.

+1 I would be there with the toddlers. I would want to support my husband. And, btw, when you're there, you're going to need to manage the toddlers, OP. You cannot expect your husband to do it because he will have so much to do.

[Anonymous]

My mother in law died last year and her family couldn't even have a funeral because of covid restrictions. It was awful. OP's husband and his family are lucky ANYONE can go.

[Anonymous]

My brother's FIL died recently and they had an open casket funeral. His 3 year old got deeply deeply distressed and tried to wake up.his granddad.

I was 5 when my granddad died and again, open casket funeral. I was old enough to understand he wasn't waking up but it was still quite distressing.

I don't think a toddler at a funeral itself is totally inappropriate but for the love of all things holy, skip the viewing.

[Anonymous]

It’s kind of hard to suggest covid is the reason when you were apparently just in Wyoming for two weeks. Omicron has been an issue for the past month.

I’d just be honest that traveling cross country with toddlers is exhausting and this has been an emotionally and physically draining time period for you and the kids. It’s fair. I support your position in this. I don’t agree however that toddlers are inappropriate at a funeral as a rule.

His request to have his immediate family support him at this time is also fair. I don’t have an answer for you expect to really listen to each other and try to hear each other’s perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of DH’s parents passed away this weekend. All folks married into the family were expecting this, it was just a matter of time. The siblings and surviving parent are in shock and blaming themselves for not being able to save the other parent. There is not much that could be done after MOF diagnosis. Now the family wants everyone at the funeral. I told my husband that he needs to go and me and the kids (two three year old toddlers) will stay home and watch service online. I mean I will watch it online. We just got back last week after being there for two weeks and my little guys are exhausted and just drained. How can you explain to a spouse that taking toddlers to a funeral is not age appropriate and we probably should not be there due to COVID? No darts please.

Have you lost a parent, OP? I have and your attitude pisses me off on behalf of your DH. Your entire post reads as so incredibly callous towards your husband and his family. You seem to want things to be business as usual because it's what's convenient for you. Do you want a cookie for accepting his parent's death before him? COVID isn't much of an excuse when you were just out there visiting, and toddlers at a funeral are no big deal. I get you are tired, but your husband really needs this and I can promise you as someone who has been there, he will not forgive you if you do not go because you are tired. Je may say it's okay and he understands and put on a good face, but in his heart, he will hold it against you for the rest of the time you are together.

Just heads up he is not going to be the husband you knew for a long time possibly ever again. He will be moody and short-tempered, Wanting to do more family stuff with you and the kids and his family of origin, he may become a workaholic or suddenly become very lax about work and things around the house. IT's not just business as usual and you need to accept that and support your spouse.

[Anonymous]

If your mom died how would you react if he said for you to fly out to the funeral alone while he stayed with the kids?

[Anonymous]

It’s a tough call. I have twins, we’ve always had to travel for family events, and I lost a parent less than 6 months ago and a cousin 2 months ago. I see all sides of this. Covid might be a huge concern, depending on how crowded the funeral service might be. My cousin’s celebration of life was jam packed. Hundreds of people crammed into two large rooms for hours and my mother and I were the only ones wearing masks. That’s much riskier than, say, 3 or 4 households being under the same roof for a visit.

I know your husband would like all of you to be there. Is it possible for someone to watch your unvaccinated children in your home while you and your husband go? He really needs you. This would be a good compromise. Alternatively, does he have friends in Wyoming who could watch the kids for you on the day of the funeral?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of DH’s parents passed away this weekend. All folks married into the family were expecting this, it was just a matter of time. The siblings and surviving parent are in shock and blaming themselves for not being able to save the other parent. There is not much that could be done after MOF diagnosis. Now the family wants everyone at the funeral. I told my husband that he needs to go and me and the kids (two three year old toddlers) will stay home and watch service online. I mean I will watch it online. We just got back last week after being there for two weeks and my little guys are exhausted and just drained. How can you explain to a spouse that taking toddlers to a funeral is not age appropriate and we probably should not be there due to COVID? No darts please.

Have you lost a parent, OP? I have and your attitude pisses me off on behalf of your DH. Your entire post reads as so incredibly callous towards your husband and his family. You seem to want things to be business as usual because it's what's convenient for you. Do you want a cookie for accepting his parent's death before him? COVID isn't much of an excuse when you were just out there visiting, and toddlers at a funeral are no big deal. I get you are tired, but your husband really needs this and I can promise you as someone who has been there, he will not forgive you if you do not go because you are tired. Je may say it's okay and he understands and put on a good face, but in his heart, he will hold it against you for the rest of the time you are together.

Just heads up he is not going to be the husband you knew for a long time possibly ever again. He will be moody and short-tempered, Wanting to do more family stuff with you and the kids and his family of origin, he may become a workaholic or suddenly become very lax about work and things around the house. IT's not just business as usual and you need to accept that and support your spouse.

This PP is overly dramatic but I agree with the overall sentiment. OP, you are trying to rationalize by saying you saw the death coming? Agree that you sound callous and whiny as hell. Suck it up. Buy the tickets. Be there. You're kids are toddlers...so you can't even argue that you don't want them to miss school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of DH’s parents passed away this weekend. All folks married into the family were expecting this, it was just a matter of time. The siblings and surviving parent are in shock and blaming themselves for not being able to save the other parent. There is not much that could be done after MOF diagnosis. Now the family wants everyone at the funeral. I told my husband that he needs to go and me and the kids (two three year old toddlers) will stay home and watch service online. I mean I will watch it online. We just got back last week after being there for two weeks and my little guys are exhausted and just drained. How can you explain to a spouse that taking toddlers to a funeral is not age appropriate and we probably should not be there due to COVID? No darts please.

Have you lost a parent, OP? I have and your attitude pisses me off on behalf of your DH. Your entire post reads as so incredibly callous towards your husband and his family. You seem to want things to be business as usual because it's what's convenient for you. Do you want a cookie for accepting his parent's death before him? COVID isn't much of an excuse when you were just out there visiting, and toddlers at a funeral are no big deal. I get you are tired, but your husband really needs this and I can promise you as someone who has been there, he will not forgive you if you do not go because you are tired. Je may say it's okay and he understands and put on a good face, but in his heart, he will hold it against you for the rest of the time you are together.

Just heads up he is not going to be the husband you knew for a long time possibly ever again. He will be moody and short-tempered, Wanting to do more family stuff with you and the kids and his family of origin, he may become a workaholic or suddenly become very lax about work and things around the house. IT's not just business as usual and you need to accept that and support your spouse.

+1 million. Sorry the death of your DH’s mother is tiring to you and the travel is inconvenient. But grow up and be a supportive spouse. This is NOT about you and your comfort.

[Anonymous]

How is this even a question? Support your spouse. Always.

[Anonymous]

I get it, the logistics and timing suck.

But it’s his dad. He wants his family with him. If there is any singular reason to suck it up and go, this is it. Your husband isn’t going to get a redo on this. It’s not Christmas where you can push it to next year. If it’s important to him, you should go.

[Anonymous]

OP, you remind him that the grandparent got to see the kids while they were still alive. That’s more meaningful for everyone involved. This model of thinking that you have to fly everyone across country having just said your goodbyes is nuts. DH has to go. If the rest of the family weren’t selfish jerks, they wouldn’t want you to come. This is how my family operates. My grandmother died (in a small family) right after my son was born, via c-section. Every other member of our small family group called me and told me not to come, because winter, newborn, healing, etc. Face time is not the primary value of family importance.