Toddlers at the Funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update--I do not understand why so many posters think I am trolling. I assure you, it is not the case. I do support my DH. Told him to get on the plane/booked him the actual flight same day we found out parent was not going to make it past 24 hours. He is on the ground making funeral/memorial service arrangements and supporting his surviving parent. He is the only one from the immediate family that was able to come quickly, as we have flexible schedules for the next two weeks due to omicron. One sibling has medical issues and unable to travel until March and his other sibling is at home with COVID. I also don't understand why politics need to be brought into the picture. We're all are a healthy mixture of Republicans/Democrats/Independents and the whole extended family over the age of 5 is vaccinated/boosted.

Why did you even come on here for advice? It’s clear you already determined not to go, and you were just fishing for people to back you up. Crowing about how you booked your DH a flight. You told him to get on the plane. So, you and your children being inconvenienced was never actually going to happen. You’re a hero, OP. A real winner.

You sound totally unhinged and hysterical. You shouldn’t sarcastically be calling anyone else a “winner.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on team you need to be there. And toddlers at a funeral is perfectly fine, natural, and even right. They are also part of the family. But I also believe in inviting children to weddings which is out of fashion these days as well.

And I know I would not be “rational and understanding “ if my SPOUSE would not attend my parents funeral. I’d seriously doubt the whole marriage, sorry.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update--I do not understand why so many posters think I am trolling. I assure you, it is not the case. I do support my DH. Told him to get on the plane/booked him the actual flight same day we found out parent was not going to make it past 24 hours. He is on the ground making funeral/memorial service arrangements and supporting his surviving parent. He is the only one from the immediate family that was able to come quickly, as we have flexible schedules for the next two weeks due to omicron. One sibling has medical issues and unable to travel until March and his other sibling is at home with COVID. I also don't understand why politics need to be brought into the picture. We're all are a healthy mixture of Republicans/Democrats/Independents and the whole extended family over the age of 5 is vaccinated/boosted.

Why did you even come on here for advice? It’s clear you already determined not to go, and you were just fishing for people to back you up. Crowing about how you booked your DH a flight. You told him to get on the plane. So, you and your children being inconvenienced was never actually going to happen. You’re a hero, OP. A real winner.

You sound totally unhinged and hysterical. You shouldn’t sarcastically be calling anyone else a “winner.”

Karen, what are you doing here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update--I do not understand why so many posters think I am trolling. I assure you, it is not the case. I do support my DH. Told him to get on the plane/booked him the actual flight same day we found out parent was not going to make it past 24 hours. He is on the ground making funeral/memorial service arrangements and supporting his surviving parent. He is the only one from the immediate family that was able to come quickly, as we have flexible schedules for the next two weeks due to omicron. One sibling has medical issues and unable to travel until March and his other sibling is at home with COVID. I also don't understand why politics need to be brought into the picture. We're all are a healthy mixture of Republicans/Democrats/Independents and the whole extended family over the age of 5 is vaccinated/boosted.

Why did you even come on here for advice? It’s clear you already determined not to go, and you were just fishing for people to back you up. Crowing about how you booked your DH a flight. You told him to get on the plane. So, you and your children being inconvenienced was never actually going to happen. You’re a hero, OP. A real winner.

You sound totally unhinged and hysterical. You shouldn’t sarcastically be calling anyone else a “winner.”

Karen, what are you doing here?

Thanks for further proving my point. Seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update--I do not understand why so many posters think I am trolling. I assure you, it is not the case. I do support my DH. Told him to get on the plane/booked him the actual flight same day we found out parent was not going to make it past 24 hours. He is on the ground making funeral/memorial service arrangements and supporting his surviving parent. He is the only one from the immediate family that was able to come quickly, as we have flexible schedules for the next two weeks due to omicron. One sibling has medical issues and unable to travel until March and his other sibling is at home with COVID. I also don't understand why politics need to be brought into the picture. We're all are a healthy mixture of Republicans/Democrats/Independents and the whole extended family over the age of 5 is vaccinated/boosted.

Why did you even come on here for advice? It’s clear you already determined not to go, and you were just fishing for people to back you up. Crowing about how you booked your DH a flight. You told him to get on the plane. So, you and your children being inconvenienced was never actually going to happen. You’re a hero, OP. A real winner.

You sound totally unhinged and hysterical. You shouldn’t sarcastically be calling anyone else a “winner.”

Karen, what are you doing here?

Thanks for further proving my point. Seek help.

It’s okay, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update--I do not understand why so many posters think I am trolling. I assure you, it is not the case. I do support my DH. Told him to get on the plane/booked him the actual flight same day we found out parent was not going to make it past 24 hours. He is on the ground making funeral/memorial service arrangements and supporting his surviving parent. He is the only one from the immediate family that was able to come quickly, as we have flexible schedules for the next two weeks due to omicron. One sibling has medical issues and unable to travel until March and his other sibling is at home with COVID. I also don't understand why politics need to be brought into the picture. We're all are a healthy mixture of Republicans/Democrats/Independents and the whole extended family over the age of 5 is vaccinated/boosted.

OP, I get it. My grandmother passed away around thanksgiving at it was a similar situation in that we would have to travel and I have a 3yo who is all over the place. I ended up just taking my 5yo who actually had a relationship with her pre-pandemic and leaving DH home with the 3yo. My mom couldn't understand it but honestly it was the right thing to do- I trusted my 5yo to sit through a catholic service and he did, and he was able to have a role. I was SAD and appreciated being able to sit there and hold my sister's hand and cry without worrying whether my toddler was about to strip and streak across the alter. It also just made the travel logistics so much easier. And this was pre-Omicron- personally I would not get on a plane with unvaccinated toddlers right now. There are a lot of people who would not be planning a funeral at all right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update--I do not understand why so many posters think I am trolling. I assure you, it is not the case. I do support my DH. Told him to get on the plane/booked him the actual flight same day we found out parent was not going to make it past 24 hours. He is on the ground making funeral/memorial service arrangements and supporting his surviving parent. He is the only one from the immediate family that was able to come quickly, as we have flexible schedules for the next two weeks due to omicron. One sibling has medical issues and unable to travel until March and his other sibling is at home with COVID. I also don't understand why politics need to be brought into the picture. We're all are a healthy mixture of Republicans/Democrats/Independents and the whole extended family over the age of 5 is vaccinated/boosted.

OP, I get it. My grandmother passed away around thanksgiving at it was a similar situation in that we would have to travel and I have a 3yo who is all over the place. I ended up just taking my 5yo who actually had a relationship with her pre-pandemic and leaving DH home with the 3yo. My mom couldn't understand it but honestly it was the right thing to do- I trusted my 5yo to sit through a catholic service and he did, and he was able to have a role. I was SAD and appreciated being able to sit there and hold my sister's hand and cry without worrying whether my toddler was about to strip and streak across the alter. It also just made the travel logistics so much easier. And this was pre-Omicron- personally I would not get on a plane with unvaccinated toddlers right now. There are a lot of people who would not be planning a funeral at all right now.

But that was for YOUR family and what YOU wanted. And that is fine. You were able to mourn someone you loved in a way that brought you the most peace. OP’s DH is the one grieving, and he has different emotional needs. It doesn’t sound like OP is very broken up about this death. She’s miffed by the inconvenience.

[Anonymous]

You need to go, OP. Your DH’s lasting memory might be that you were not around to support him in his time of grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to go, OP. Your DH’s lasting memory might be that you were not around to support him in his time of grief.

It seems OP didn’t disclose things fully at the outset. She had already packed DH up, booked him a flight, and sent him there on his own. Piecing together her story, it would seem that if the funeral were to be held immediately (which it is now not), DH wanted her to come out with kids. She clearly did not want to do that because she is tired. Frankly, she lucked out to some extent that DH’s siblings asked that funeral be delayed. She seems to not want to be bothered unless tragedy fits into her schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to go, OP. Your DH’s lasting memory might be that you were not around to support him in his time of grief.

It seems OP didn’t disclose things fully at the outset. She had already packed DH up, booked him a flight, and sent him there on his own. Piecing together her story, it would seem that if the funeral were to be held immediately (which it is now not), DH wanted her to come out with kids. She clearly did not want to do that because she is tired. Frankly, she lucked out to some extent that DH’s siblings asked that funeral be delayed. She seems to not want to be bothered unless tragedy fits into her schedule.

Why have people kept insisting OP said she was tired? Her very first post said her 3 year olds were “exhausted and drained.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age is not the problem, Omicron is. I would not go to a funeral right now, at the peak of the Omicron surge.

Many years ago, we flew to Europe and Asia with our then toddler for my grandmother's, then grandfather's funerals, back-to-back. The timing and opposite jet lags made it exhausting, but since there was no pandemic at the time, we felt it was our duty.

Children at funerals are valuable comfort for the grieving family members. Our relatives' faces lit up when they saw my son. He was not in the least perturbed by any of it, including the Japanese ritual of passing the deceased's bones from person to person to put in the urn. Since then we've had several more funerals, and I've always noticed that people are cheered by the presence of children.

But right now, please don't go. It's not responsible for any of us to contribute to viral spread.

+1
There is nothing wrong with children attending funerals. It's pretty common in many cultures and families, and is a comfort for many people. I would not, however, take small children to a funeral right this moment, because of omicron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In general, we are of the mind that it's best for the whole family to go to the funeral including little kids. However, add in a flight to Wyoming with unvax'd toddlers during the omicron surge and the whole family should be very understanding of them NOT coming. Tell the family you will plan to come visit in a couple months. The surviving parent will need a lot of support in the months to come and will probably really appreciate a visit with the grandchildren more then.

I wouldn't expect the family to be THAT understanding, given that OP was very recently willing to take unvaxxed toddlers on a flight to Wyoming during the omicron surge. She can decline to go, but don't use omicrom as the excuse when anyone with half a brain will see right through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update--I do not understand why so many posters think I am trolling. I assure you, it is not the case. I do support my DH. Told him to get on the plane/booked him the actual flight same day we found out parent was not going to make it past 24 hours. He is on the ground making funeral/memorial service arrangements and supporting his surviving parent. He is the only one from the immediate family that was able to come quickly, as we have flexible schedules for the next two weeks due to omicron. One sibling has medical issues and unable to travel until March and his other sibling is at home with COVID. I also don't understand why politics need to be brought into the picture. We're all are a healthy mixture of Republicans/Democrats/Independents and the whole extended family over the age of 5 is vaccinated/boosted.

OP, I get it. My grandmother passed away around thanksgiving at it was a similar situation in that we would have to travel and I have a 3yo who is all over the place. I ended up just taking my 5yo who actually had a relationship with her pre-pandemic and leaving DH home with the 3yo. My mom couldn't understand it but honestly it was the right thing to do- I trusted my 5yo to sit through a catholic service and he did, and he was able to have a role. I was SAD and appreciated being able to sit there and hold my sister's hand and cry without worrying whether my toddler was about to strip and streak across the alter. It also just made the travel logistics so much easier. And this was pre-Omicron- personally I would not get on a plane with unvaccinated toddlers right now. There are a lot of people who would not be planning a funeral at all right now.

But that was for YOUR family and what YOU wanted. And that is fine. You were able to mourn someone you loved in a way that brought you the most peace. OP’s DH is the one grieving, and he has different emotional needs. It doesn’t sound like OP is very broken up about this death. She’s miffed by the inconvenience.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding, but the constant drumbeat bashing OP about "inconvenience" is nonsense. It's not mere inconvenience to be concerned about a pandemic plus exhausted, burned out kids and parent after a LONG stay with the grandparents. And don't pull the "but they were JUST THERE so why not go back." Also a nonsense argument. A visit to one set of family means parents can control who sees them and the kids, where, when, etc. but a trip to a funeral, with others coming from other areas, possibly friends of the FIL they don't know, etc. I really wonder if the hysteria over "you must 'support' your husband at all costs" is coming from people who felt unsupported in the past and are projecting like crazy onto OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In general, we are of the mind that it's best for the whole family to go to the funeral including little kids. However, add in a flight to Wyoming with unvax'd toddlers during the omicron surge and the whole family should be very understanding of them NOT coming. Tell the family you will plan to come visit in a couple months. The surviving parent will need a lot of support in the months to come and will probably really appreciate a visit with the grandchildren more then.

I wouldn't expect the family to be THAT understanding, given that OP was very recently willing to take unvaxxed toddlers on a flight to Wyoming during the omicron surge. She can decline to go, but don't use omicrom as the excuse when anyone with half a brain will see right through it.

If you don't see the difference between a family visit where you can have some control over who sees whom and how, and a funeral where people will travel to the event possibly from other areas, and people will be there who are not in the family -- well, you just want to bash OP. It's amazing how people keep using the earlier trip against OP. It. Is. Not. The. Same. Situation. If you had half a brain yourself, you'd see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on team you need to be there. And toddlers at a funeral is perfectly fine, natural, and even right. They are also part of the family. But I also believe in inviting children to weddings which is out of fashion these days as well.

And I know I would not be “rational and understanding “ if my SPOUSE would not attend my parents funeral. I’d seriously doubt the whole marriage, sorry.

I agree.

DP. I did not attend my FIL's funeral. Nope, not feeding the DCUM beast with reasons; that's not the point. I'm still happily married 15 years later, though of course you'll swear it can't be "happily" because apparently you can read the minds of total strangers.

Before you come back to rant that my DH secretly hates me and will carry resentment to the grave, I'll add that my own mother didn't have a funeral at all, and my brother who died last year didn't have a funeral but a casual memorial service (which our college DC did not attend--I'm sure you'll say she's forever persona non grata with his widow, right?). None if this remotely covid-related, by the way.

Some families do what they can to attend funerals but do not add to the grieving and pain by melting down into hysterics, divorce threats and "doubting my whole marriage" if there are circumstances preventing attendance.