Toddlers at the Funeral

[Anonymous]

Pre-COVID at least, in my family toddlers would definitely come to a funeral. One of my earliest memories is being at my great-grandmother's funeral at 4 years old, along with my newborn brother. COVID concerns are something else, but beyond that you and your kids need to be there for such a close family member. It is your job to be supportive of your husband and his side of the family, full stop. If this is what they want you should make it happen for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of DH’s parents passed away this weekend. All folks married into the family were expecting this, it was just a matter of time. The siblings and surviving parent are in shock and blaming themselves for not being able to save the other parent. There is not much that could be done after MOF diagnosis. Now the family wants everyone at the funeral. I told my husband that he needs to go and me and the kids (two three year old toddlers) will stay home and watch service online. I mean I will watch it online. We just got back last week after being there for two weeks and my little guys are exhausted and just drained. How can you explain to a spouse that taking toddlers to a funeral is not age appropriate and we probably should not be there due to COVID? No darts please.

1. Your H is also their parent and has every right to make decisions about what is/isn’t appropriate for his kids. Not everyone thinks funerals are inappropriate, I’ve taken DD to them since she was 1yo and she was never traumatized.

2. The COVID excuse doesn’t really fly since you were literally just there. How come it was okay to travel last week but now it’s suddenly dangerous?

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with you. My spouse loss their parents. Having our toddlers there really helped. We are family and help each other through grief. Kids need to see and understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a tough call. I have twins, we’ve always had to travel for family events, and I lost a parent less than 6 months ago and a cousin 2 months ago. I see all sides of this. Covid might be a huge concern, depending on how crowded the funeral service might be. My cousin’s celebration of life was jam packed. Hundreds of people crammed into two large rooms for hours and my mother and I were the only ones wearing masks. That’s much riskier than, say, 3 or 4 households being under the same roof for a visit.

I know your husband would like all of you to be there. Is it possible for someone to watch your unvaccinated children in your home while you and your husband go? He really needs you. This would be a good compromise. Alternatively, does he have friends in Wyoming who could watch the kids for you on the day of the funeral?

OP here—I have asked if church can provide a babysitter for a few hours and I have two sets of friends that offered to help if needed. DH wants the kids at the service and I am putting my foot down on this one.

I'm I'm posting again. If you were my spouse and did not support me through my parents death and honor my wishes to have the children there you and I would be divorced.

I supported my spouse through the death of a parent by surprise at a young age. This is the one time you don't get to be selfish. Don't out that foot down. Attend with your children and be a good partner.

[Anonymous]

Your spouse wants your support. His family member just died. He wants to wrap himself in his remaining family. In my culture and family, toddlers DO belong at funerals. It's a reminder that life is a cycle - people are born and people die. It's a great reminder that the family continues on with younger family members.

But hey, you do you. If you don't want to go, then don't go. Deal with whatever consequences in your relationship come from that. Or go, and hire a local babysitter in Wyoming to watch the 3 yr olds during the service. You're an adult - do whatever you want and just deal with any fallout.

[Anonymous]

When it comes to birthdays and celebrations and Mother’s Day and gifts, everyone tells the woman to ask for what you want or need and that their H is a jerk if he doesn’t comply. Here, OPs husband lost a parent, which is a really difficult loss. He told his wife what he needs. And she said no.

[Anonymous]

My rule is no children between 4 and 10 at funerals. There is too much that they don’t understand that can be better learned at 10 or 11.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is grounds for divorce. Suck it up and go. "I'm tired" is not a valid excuse not to go to your MILs funeral.

How incredibly dramatic you are.

OP, don't listen to people like this who want to guilt you into doing what THEY think is best. They will not be there to help you with the toddlers in Wyoming, nor will they be there to help you nurse your unvaccinated, and therefore highly susceptible to infection, toddlers when they come down with omicron.

As a much wiser PP noted: Talk to your DH about how the children just got to see FIL when FIL was alive. That is valuable--more valuable than taking the kids back there for their mere presence.

It's dramatic, but true. OP didn't care about her toddlers getting Omicron when they went out there for Christmas. I know it sucks to turn around and fly back to Wyoming. But this is for her spouse's parent. And...the likelihood of her "unvaxed" toddlers needing to be nursed through Omicron is really low. The most likely scenario is that the toddlers would be asymptomatic (or have a runny nose).

And her husband is not going to give a shit that they saw FIL when he was living. That's not what funerals are for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of DH’s parents passed away this weekend. All folks married into the family were expecting this, it was just a matter of time. The siblings and surviving parent are in shock and blaming themselves for not being able to save the other parent. There is not much that could be done after MOF diagnosis. Now the family wants everyone at the funeral. I told my husband that he needs to go and me and the kids (two three year old toddlers) will stay home and watch service online. I mean I will watch it online. We just got back last week after being there for two weeks and my little guys are exhausted and just drained. How can you explain to a spouse that taking toddlers to a funeral is not age appropriate and we probably should not be there due to COVID? No darts please.

Have you lost a parent, OP? I have and your attitude pisses me off on behalf of your DH. Your entire post reads as so incredibly callous towards your husband and his family. You seem to want things to be business as usual because it's what's convenient for you. Do you want a cookie for accepting his parent's death before him? COVID isn't much of an excuse when you were just out there visiting, and toddlers at a funeral are no big deal. I get you are tired, but your husband really needs this and I can promise you as someone who has been there, he will not forgive you if you do not go because you are tired. Je may say it's okay and he understands and put on a good face, but in his heart, he will hold it against you for the rest of the time you are together.

Just heads up he is not going to be the husband you knew for a long time possibly ever again. He will be moody and short-tempered, Wanting to do more family stuff with you and the kids and his family of origin, he may become a workaholic or suddenly become very lax about work and things around the house. IT's not just business as usual and you need to accept that and support your spouse.

+1. If my DH sent me alone to my mother’s funeral because he was tired, I’d resent him forever. Who does that? OP, there are times in life when you show up and this is one of them. This isn’t about being there for grandmother but Supporting your spouse going through a god awful time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of DH’s parents passed away this weekend. All folks married into the family were expecting this, it was just a matter of time. The siblings and surviving parent are in shock and blaming themselves for not being able to save the other parent. There is not much that could be done after MOF diagnosis. Now the family wants everyone at the funeral. I told my husband that he needs to go and me and the kids (two three year old toddlers) will stay home and watch service online. I mean I will watch it online. We just got back last week after being there for two weeks and my little guys are exhausted and just drained. How can you explain to a spouse that taking toddlers to a funeral is not age appropriate and we probably should not be there due to COVID? No darts please.

Have you lost a parent, OP? I have and your attitude pisses me off on behalf of your DH. Your entire post reads as so incredibly callous towards your husband and his family. You seem to want things to be business as usual because it's what's convenient for you. Do you want a cookie for accepting his parent's death before him? COVID isn't much of an excuse when you were just out there visiting, and toddlers at a funeral are no big deal. I get you are tired, but your husband really needs this and I can promise you as someone who has been there, he will not forgive you if you do not go because you are tired. Je may say it's okay and he understands and put on a good face, but in his heart, he will hold it against you for the rest of the time you are together.

Just heads up he is not going to be the husband you knew for a long time possibly ever again. He will be moody and short-tempered, Wanting to do more family stuff with you and the kids and his family of origin, he may become a workaholic or suddenly become very lax about work and things around the house. IT's not just business as usual and you need to accept that and support your spouse.

+1. If my DH sent me alone to my mother’s funeral because he was tired, I’d resent him forever. Who does that? OP, there are times in life when you show up and this is one of them. This isn’t about being there for grandmother but Supporting your spouse going through a god awful time

And yes, I would take my kids with masks.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is the specific reason you don’t want the kids at the funeral? Concerns about COVID? Don’t feel like trying to keep kids quiet in church? Don’t want them to see an open casket? Something else?

[Anonymous]

He is grieving. You say he is in shock and blaming himself. Then you abandon him in a time of needing extra support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of DH’s parents passed away this weekend. All folks married into the family were expecting this, it was just a matter of time. The siblings and surviving parent are in shock and blaming themselves for not being able to save the other parent. There is not much that could be done after MOF diagnosis. Now the family wants everyone at the funeral. I told my husband that he needs to go and me and the kids (two three year old toddlers) will stay home and watch service online. I mean I will watch it online. We just got back last week after being there for two weeks and my little guys are exhausted and just drained. How can you explain to a spouse that taking toddlers to a funeral is not age appropriate and we probably should not be there due to COVID? No darts please.

1. Your H is also their parent and has every right to make decisions about what is/isn’t appropriate for his kids. Not everyone thinks funerals are inappropriate, I’ve taken DD to them since she was 1yo and she was never traumatized.

2. The COVID excuse doesn’t really fly since you were literally just there. How come it was okay to travel last week but now it’s suddenly dangerous?

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with you. My spouse loss their parents. Having our toddlers there really helped. We are family and help each other through grief. Kids need to see and understand it.

Your children are not emotional support animals. All of the posters saying that it was so nice to have the children there and that they were a welcome distraction are inappropriately using small children to help them process their adult emotions. 3 year olds, or small children of any age should not be put in this position. They can be taught about grief and loss by their parents. They do not need to be a human stuffed animal for great aunt Debbie to hug while she cries.

We are still in a pandemic and every trip is a risk. Your kids are unvaxxed. Please remember how funerals were super spreader events back in 2020. Omicron didn’t exist then. There is no way that this event will not have at least one sick person there. As parents, you have to make difficult decisions that will sometimes upset other adults that are in the best interest of your children.

I am sorry your DH is struggling to see things your way in his grief. It might be worth trying to get him an appointment with a grief counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse wants your support. His family member just died. He wants to wrap himself in his remaining family. In my culture and family, toddlers DO belong at funerals. It's a reminder that life is a cycle - people are born and people die. It's a great reminder that the family continues on with younger family members.

But hey, you do you. If you don't want to go, then don't go. Deal with whatever consequences in your relationship come from that. Or go, and hire a local babysitter in Wyoming to watch the 3 yr olds during the service. You're an adult - do whatever you want and just deal with any fallout.

You are ridiculous. Op has supported her dh but has reached her limits. What she is considering is reasonable. Also Covid.