Toddlers at the Funeral

[Anonymous]

Small kids don't need to be at the funeral but you need to be there to support DH. That is as close to an absolute as there is. Try to find someone to watch your kids during the service if you don't want them to go. Or leave them at home of someone can stay with them. But you need to be there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother's FIL died recently and they had an open casket funeral. His 3 year old got deeply deeply distressed and tried to wake up.his granddad.

I was 5 when my granddad died and again, open casket funeral. I was old enough to understand he wasn't waking up but it was still quite distressing.

I don't think a toddler at a funeral itself is totally inappropriate but for the love of all things holy, skip the viewing.

+1. Agree. And a flight to Wyoming is out with Omicron surging.

[Anonymous]

COVID is a valid reason not to take them, but just being a toddler isn't.

[Anonymous]

This is one of those times when DH gets to call the shots. This can be an inflection point in a marriage. If you aren't there for DH when he is grieving, what is the point of the marriage? It sounds like you are exhausted which is understandable but you need to suck it up and go with zero complaints. You were just in Wyoming so you can't play the covid card just when it is convenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is OP asking DCUM what her husband wants?

Everyone is different and this is a different time.

My Dad died in April and I went alone. I wasn’t going to drag my kid though Covid just to be there and still need to take care of kid while helping everyone else.

OP would have no time with DH caring for the kids.

DH go alone. This isn’t hiding from death.

+1 My dad died in March (in a different state) and DH and my teens came for the funeral. DH insisted that we should all stay for the full week and frankly it was annoying after the first few days. At their age it was definitely important for them to be at the funeral (they were very close to my dad) but they should have gone home after that. The kids and DH were trying to do school remotely, I was helping my mom with stuff. I know he wanted to be supportive but it was more about what he thought would be supportive vs. what really worked for me. I went back about 6 weeks later to have some time just with mom and my sister to work on helping her with figuring out the financials, planning for a move that had been set up before my dad's death, etc. It was much better for me to be on my own.

1. OP's husband asked her to go.

2. OP her husband and the kids just went to Wyoming during omicron surge.

3. OP just doesn't want to go because she's "tired"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:COVID is a valid reason not to take them, but just being a toddler isn't.

It would be valid if they hadn't just taken to see the kids to see this same set of family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think another poster mentioned this, but if this were a DW posted saying she wanted her DH at her dad’s funeral to support her, but he said he thought she should go alone and he’d stay home with the kids, everyone would pile on and talk about what a shitty, unsupportive DH she has.

DH specifically voiced what he needed in a time that should be about him, and not about the wife’s convenience. Maybe some of you would rather go to the funeral alone. That’s fine. That’s valid. But the person grieving in this relationship says he needs something different.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those times when DH gets to call the shots. This can be an inflection point in a marriage. If you aren't there for DH when he is grieving, what is the point of the marriage? It sounds like you are exhausted which is understandable but you need to suck it up and go with zero complaints. You were just in Wyoming so you can't play the covid card just when it is convenient.

Agree. OP, I think you can bring up your concerns, but tell him you will be there for him and will go if he wants you and the kids there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse wants your support. His family member just died. He wants to wrap himself in his remaining family. In my culture and family, toddlers DO belong at funerals. It's a reminder that life is a cycle - people are born and people die. It's a great reminder that the family continues on with younger family members.

But hey, you do you. If you don't want to go, then don't go. Deal with whatever consequences in your relationship come from that. Or go, and hire a local babysitter in Wyoming to watch the 3 yr olds during the service. You're an adult - do whatever you want and just deal with any fallout.

You are ridiculous. Op has supported her dh but has reached her limits. What she is considering is reasonable. Also Covid.

Sometimes you have to dig down and rally. This is one of those times.

But, OP, you do you. We’ll be here for advice when your DH brings up you not going to his parent’s funeral. And he will.[/quote]

Yup.

[Anonymous]

I'm from a family/culture where everyone including children go to funerals, because death is viewed as a part of life.

However, in this case, I think it's entirely reasonable and correct that you don't go but stay back with the kids. It's too far away, and we're in the middle of an Omicron surge. 2 excellent reasons for unvaxxed 3 year olds not to go.

[Anonymous]

I would be heartbroken if I found out my spouse was crowdsourcing whether he/she would come to my parent’s funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be heartbroken if I found out my spouse was crowdsourcing whether he/she would come to my parent’s funeral.

She has already expressed her unwillingness to go with him. The man has already been kicked while he is down. I'm sure he is doubly heartbroken by the loss of his father and his callous wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm from a family/culture where everyone including children go to funerals, because death is viewed as a part of life.

However, in this case, I think it's entirely reasonable and correct that you don't go but stay back with the kids. It's too far away, and we're in the middle of an Omicron surge. 2 excellent reasons for unvaxxed 3 year olds not to go.

Totally reasonable if they had just traveled with the kids., COVID is red herring here,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is grounds for divorce. Suck it up and go. "I'm tired" is not a valid excuse not to go to your MILs funeral.

How incredibly dramatic you are.

OP, don't listen to people like this who want to guilt you into doing what THEY think is best. They will not be there to help you with the toddlers in Wyoming, nor will they be there to help you nurse your unvaccinated, and therefore highly susceptible to infection, toddlers when they come down with omicron.

As a much wiser PP noted: Talk to your DH about how the children just got to see FIL when FIL was alive. That is valuable--more valuable than taking the kids back there for their mere presence.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to suck it up and go. This is your spouse's parent.

I have only had regret over not attending a funeral or other family milestone event.

I've lost two family members I loved very much during COVID. It sucked royally watching their funerals on FB Live instead of flying across the country.

I still don't regret not going one bit, and my close extended family agree and understand.