Toddlers at the Funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing a parent is really tough. I don’t agree with you. It’s really important for you and your kids to be there to support your husband through this. Not being there is a permanent game changer in a relationship.

+1 I would be there with the toddlers. I would want to support my husband. And, btw, when you're there, you're going to need to manage the toddlers, OP. You cannot expect your husband to do it because he will have so much to do.

+1 I agree and have lost both my parents. Don't worry about the kids there will be plenty of hands to help because some people there will want to feel useful and do something. That's how some deal with grief. But I wouldn't even hesitate to book the tickets and go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you remind him that the grandparent got to see the kids while they were still alive. That’s more meaningful for everyone involved. This model of thinking that you have to fly everyone across country having just said your goodbyes is nuts. DH has to go. If the rest of the family weren’t selfish jerks, they wouldn’t want you to come. This is how my family operates. My grandmother died (in a small family) right after my son was born, via c-section. Every other member of our small family group called me and told me not to come, because winter, newborn, healing, etc. Face time is not the primary value of family importance.

Did OP just have a c-section?

[Anonymous]

Yes you need to go because your husband has just lost his parent and he wants you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you remind him that the grandparent got to see the kids while they were still alive. That’s more meaningful for everyone involved. This model of thinking that you have to fly everyone across country having just said your goodbyes is nuts. DH has to go. If the rest of the family weren’t selfish jerks, they wouldn’t want you to come. This is how my family operates. My grandmother died (in a small family) right after my son was born, via c-section. Every other member of our small family group called me and told me not to come, because winter, newborn, healing, etc. Face time is not the primary value of family importance.

The rest of the family doesn’t matter. The husband wants his wife and children there as he grieves the loss of a parent. It doesn’t matter if it’s inconvenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing a parent is really tough. I don’t agree with you. It’s really important for you and your kids to be there to support your husband through this. Not being there is a permanent game changer in a relationship.

+1 I would be there with the toddlers. I would want to support my husband. And, btw, when you're there, you're going to need to manage the toddlers, OP. You cannot expect your husband to do it because he will have so much to do.

+1 I agree and have lost both my parents. Don't worry about the kids there will be plenty of hands to help because some people there will want to feel useful and do something. That's how some deal with grief. But I wouldn't even hesitate to book the tickets and go.

+1, also lost both parents and one during Covid. We traveled on a plane and it wasn’t even a question if the kids would be there. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if my DH told me to go to the funeral alone.

[Anonymous]

If they hadn’t just come back, that would be one thing. But they were just there. Every rational family that I know under these circumstances has sent just the one affected family member back for the ceremony when it involves long distance travel like this. I will also bet dollars to donuts that the husband won’t be figuring out how to handle the kids, the logistics, or anything else because he’s “grieving”. He’s probably also going to be stunned when everyone who hasn’t already had omicron gets it and then they’re stuck sick in Wyoming, couch surfing.

[Anonymous]

This is grounds for divorce. Suck it up and go. "I'm tired" is not a valid excuse not to go to your MILs funeral.

[Anonymous]

Have you already communicated to him you don't want to attend the funeral with him? How is he responding to that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is grounds for divorce. Suck it up and go. "I'm tired" is not a valid excuse not to go to your MILs funeral.

My thoughts as well. This is the beginning of the end for this marriage.

[Anonymous]

I took my boys to three funerals when they were toddlers. For the most part they were well behaved. Family members really enjoyed them being there. I guess since it was a pleasant distraction. For one funeral my youngest could not be controlled and ran around the inside and outside of the church before the service (viewing was in the church). Nobody minded and he ran his energy out. It was comforting having my boys with me.

Since this is the COVID era and you toddlers are not vaccinated, I would not bring them to a funeral. It is really not worth the health risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you remind him that the grandparent got to see the kids while they were still alive. That’s more meaningful for everyone involved. This model of thinking that you have to fly everyone across country having just said your goodbyes is nuts. DH has to go. If the rest of the family weren’t selfish jerks, they wouldn’t want you to come. This is how my family operates. My grandmother died (in a small family) right after my son was born, via c-section. Every other member of our small family group called me and told me not to come, because winter, newborn, healing, etc. Face time is not the primary value of family importance.

So, DH is a selfish jerk for wanting his wife and children with him? Seriously? Do you ever listen to yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a tough call. I have twins, we’ve always had to travel for family events, and I lost a parent less than 6 months ago and a cousin 2 months ago. I see all sides of this. Covid might be a huge concern, depending on how crowded the funeral service might be. My cousin’s celebration of life was jam packed. Hundreds of people crammed into two large rooms for hours and my mother and I were the only ones wearing masks. That’s much riskier than, say, 3 or 4 households being under the same roof for a visit.

I know your husband would like all of you to be there. Is it possible for someone to watch your unvaccinated children in your home while you and your husband go? He really needs you. This would be a good compromise. Alternatively, does he have friends in Wyoming who could watch the kids for you on the day of the funeral?

OP here—I have asked if church can provide a babysitter for a few hours and I have two sets of friends that offered to help if needed. DH wants the kids at the service and I am putting my foot down on this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is grounds for divorce. Suck it up and go. "I'm tired" is not a valid excuse not to go to your MILs funeral.

How incredibly dramatic you are.

OP, don't listen to people like this who want to guilt you into doing what THEY think is best. They will not be there to help you with the toddlers in Wyoming, nor will they be there to help you nurse your unvaccinated, and therefore highly susceptible to infection, toddlers when they come down with omicron.

As a much wiser PP noted: Talk to your DH about how the children just got to see FIL when FIL was alive. That is valuable--more valuable than taking the kids back there for their mere presence.

[Anonymous]

To those saying OP must go, take the kids and "support" her DH by doing so: How is it supportive for her to have to be distracted and giving her full attention to the toddlers? She won't be there for DH. She'll be there to look after two very young children who will not even remember the event at all.

To those who said kids need to see adults being sad etc. -- these are toddlers. They will not remember this. No life lessons for them to learn here because they are not yet able to process any of this.

Also, OP -- I would not go because there will surely be more going on than the funeral, right? Is this a family that is also going to insist everyone come to a lunch after the funeral, or a viewing the day before, or a gathering at so-and-so's home to remember FIL, or a wake or....? Every one of those would be another round of your focusing entirely on the children. Not to mention the omicron spread at events like that.

Someone came to bash at you about how you were just there, and why should this funeral trip be a problem if you were willing to make a two-week trip there anyway, etc. But if you were not seeing loads of relatives during that two-week stay, that's considerably different from going to a funeral and possibly other related events, where there could be many relatives and friends of FIL you weren't exposed to during your longer stay. That's what I'd tell DH and expect him to tell his family as well.

I hope your DH sees sense. He actually may be much freer to grieve and visit with family if you and the kids are not present, OP, but somehow he isn't realizing that.

Is his family the kind that would hold a grudge forever? If so, that's a larger and deeper issue you and he would have to work on. But in this pandemic it is not putting your unvaccinated children first if you take them.

Someone had the good idea of you and DH flying in and out on the same day if you can leave the kids at home, your home, with someone. That's the only way I'd do this. If your DH makes this a huge issue between you, he may be more invested in the family trait of ordering people to Be Present On Command than you realized, and again...that is a bigger issue he and you would need to address later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is grounds for divorce. Suck it up and go. "I'm tired" is not a valid excuse not to go to your MILs funeral.

How incredibly dramatic you are.

OP, don't listen to people like this who want to guilt you into doing what THEY think is best. They will not be there to help you with the toddlers in Wyoming, nor will they be there to help you nurse your unvaccinated, and therefore highly susceptible to infection, toddlers when they come down with omicron.

As a much wiser PP noted: Talk to your DH about how the children just got to see FIL when FIL was alive. That is valuable--more valuable than taking the kids back there for their mere presence.

This is not about DH’s family, this is about DH and his needs. They won’t be flying every week to go to a funeral. This is a one time occurrence that also signifies a seismic shift in DH’s emotional world. Why does OP count more than her husband in this pretty unique life event. His life event.