Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the 180. But do it right. No stomping and being mad. Disengage. And maybe you should have left the oldest child. He needs to feel it. Your child would have lived. As a matter of fact, leave tomorrow after the sitter and go out. No planning anything for them or him. I’m off to go shopping and walk out the door.

I'm the PP that suggested the three steps upthread, starting with telling him your pi$$ed. After reading OP's replies I think she ought to announce she needs a 5 day mental health break, drop everything, and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH probably has ADHD and might be on the spectrum and might even be depressed but he is unwilling to get help for any of those things, despite my urging.

The problem is I truly need his help with our two young kids and household, and he continually drops the ball on things, and I am full of resentment.

I have done:
-individual and couples therapy
-antidepressants
-getting a less demanding job myself so I have more time to do household/kid stuff
-helping DH get a less demanding job, which he landed but which has not resulted in him doing any extra work
-getting one of our healthy parents to move close to us to help with kids
-outsourcing and automating as much as we possibly can. We have childcare 7 days a week.

Is there any way I can stop being an angry, resentful shrew every waking minute of the day? I have of course considered divorce but I am unsure it will actually help my stress level, because then I will be coparenting with an unreliable, disorganized, disengaged person. I worry the logistics will get more complicated and I will end up actually having more on my plate if we divorce.

I am just so tired and overwhelmed. I cannot do it all, and I cannot count on DH. I am so tired.

I would seriously consider divorce, maybe in a few years when both kids are in school, but for now I think you drop the rope with him and prioritize. It sounds like you have two other adults helping with childcare so what are examples of things you are doing that you would like your husband to do?

Op here. Recently I was flying across the country for a funeral in my family. I planned to take our oldest child with me. The morning we were supposed to depart, our child got into an accident and badly injured himself. I took him to the ER and the ER prescribed antibiotics. We were running super late and it was down to the wire whether we’d make it to our flight on time. I didn’t have time to go to the pharmacy so asked DH to see if we could get the antibiotic prescription filled when we arrived. DH agreed to handle it.

DH’s version of “handling it” was to send me the name of a target near my hotel. I thought this meant he had called them to verify that they had the medication and would take the prescription from another state. I was wrong. I get to the target and it doesn’t even have a pharmacy. It’s 8 PM and I was on my own with our kid and ended up having to call around while sitting on a bench outside target trying to find a pharmacy that was nearby and open and had the medication. It took 9 phone calls and three uber rides but I finally got it.

Unless the funeral was your parents, I have no idea why you went with your oldest kid who just got out of the ER. Leave him home.

Agree. I often am on the side of the OPs with the dysfunctional husbands, as I used to be in a similar situation...but OP, I don't think this story illustrates what you think it does. You could have left your "badly injured" (OPs words) child home, which would have been my choice if the injury really was bad. Also, I guess I don't see why the prescription was so burdensome that it was something you felt the need to outsource to DH, especially since you are aware of his limitations -- you had time while waiting in the airport, or in the uber on the way to the hotel, to do a quick google search for pharmacies and make some calls. If my spouse asked me to do this for them I would be pretty puzzled as to why.

OP, I also wondered about this. Is it possible that your "Love Language" is "Acts of Service" and that is why you tried to engage him in that way? https://www.5lovelanguages.com/ Would him having handled that detail have made you feel emotionally supported at a difficult time?

Do you guys go on date nights? Have sex? Or is it just the grind of daily life with young kids, esp one with SN and feeling alone in your burdens? Do either of you go out and see friends, individually or as a couple? Do you socialize at all with other families?

[Anonymous]

I know you have tried antidepressants, but I would strongly consider that your husband be evaluated for depression. Sometimes inaction is a symptom of being overwhelmed while battling depression. Even small tasks can feel like too much. I think refusing to be evaluated and if diagnosed, agree to treatment, would be a red line for me.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you are under tremendous strain that doesn’t have to do with your husband. Raising two small children while working. The stress of raising a child with SN and the insurance battles and therapy appointments that involves. And OP, I am so sorry for the loss of your sibling! This is just so much to handle.

Separate the anger you feel about your husband’s unwillingness to help from the rage you feel about all these stressors. Make sure you aren’t directing all of that anger at him, because if you are not able to tease out exactly what is triggering you, you can’t help yourself bring that rage back down to calm. And you deserve to feel better emotionally.

You don’t have to make a decision about divorce now. Maybe waiting until school age and seeing if that helps is the answer.

[Anonymous]

OP when they didn’t have a pharmacy at the Target, did you consider calling your DH and saying “they don’t have a pharmacy, call me when you’ve figured it out?”

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar situation but my kids are older. The only light I can give you is that as your kids get older, he will be able to be with them alone more (because they're older and don't really need as much supervision, not because he's doing anything).

To the posters that say things like... you should've left your oldest child with him, you should announce you're taking a 5 day vacation and leaving the kids with him, etc... you really don't understand what you're talking about. This is just not an option for people like the OP or me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar situation but my kids are older. The only light I can give you is that as your kids get older, he will be able to be with them alone more (because they're older and don't really need as much supervision, not because he's doing anything).

To the posters that say things like... you should've left your oldest child with him, you should announce you're taking a 5 day vacation and leaving the kids with him, etc... you really don't understand what you're talking about. This is just not an option for people like the OP or me.

Seriously ... why not?

If your spouse is so dangerous that he can’t properly watch his own kids, then you need to call cps and get a lawyer involved.

Whenever women claim this I get very suspicious. They are basically saying their spouse is dangerous. It makes me think there are other things going on the marriage and that the DW is also at fault.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what you should do, but the rage you feel is a huge tax of your energy that you are imposing on yourself. Someone told me once that we keep negative emotions around when they serve us in some way. But you can also decide it's not serving you and let it go.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP.

I can see why divorce doesn't make sense for now in your mind. The only thing you can "fix" is your resentment, if that's possible. Dial back everything else for now -- don't do his laundry or clean his stuff/his side of the room, etc. Don't fill gas or change oil in his car.

Don't cook -- just basic stuff like sandwiches or oven-ready meals for you and the kids. Switch to paper plates and plastic cutlery. No kids' activities or playdates (except for whatever your SN child needs).

What would you do if you were sick and unable to do everything? Do that and be satisfied with it until you can make a bigger decision like divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you have tried antidepressants, but I would strongly consider that your husband be evaluated for depression. Sometimes inaction is a symptom of being overwhelmed while battling depression. Even small tasks can feel like too much. I think refusing to be evaluated and if diagnosed, agree to treatment, would be a red line for me.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you are under tremendous strain that doesn’t have to do with your husband. Raising two small children while working. The stress of raising a child with SN and the insurance battles and therapy appointments that involves. And OP, I am so sorry for the loss of your sibling! This is just so much to handle.

Separate the anger you feel about your husband’s unwillingness to help from the rage you feel about all these stressors. Make sure you aren’t directing all of that anger at him, because if you are not able to tease out exactly what is triggering you, you can’t help yourself bring that rage back down to calm. And you deserve to feel better emotionally.

You don’t have to make a decision about divorce now. Maybe waiting until school age and seeing if that helps is the answer.

This is really good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar situation but my kids are older. The only light I can give you is that as your kids get older, he will be able to be with them alone more (because they're older and don't really need as much supervision, not because he's doing anything).

To the posters that say things like... you should've left your oldest child with him, you should announce you're taking a 5 day vacation and leaving the kids with him, etc... you really don't understand what you're talking about. This is just not an option for people like the OP or me.

Seriously ... why not?

If your spouse is so dangerous that he can’t properly watch his own kids, then you need to call cps and get a lawyer involved.

Whenever women claim this I get very suspicious. They are basically saying their spouse is dangerous. It makes me think there are other things going on the marriage and that the DW is also at fault.

NP here, and you seem stupid. Yes, a spouse's negligence could in fact be dangerous. It seems a lot easier to therefore not leave your kids alone with them, than to purposely leave your kids alone with them, wait for them to hurt the kids, and then "call cops and get a lawyer involved."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar situation but my kids are older. The only light I can give you is that as your kids get older, he will be able to be with them alone more (because they're older and don't really need as much supervision, not because he's doing anything).

To the posters that say things like... you should've left your oldest child with him, you should announce you're taking a 5 day vacation and leaving the kids with him, etc... you really don't understand what you're talking about. This is just not an option for people like the OP or me.

Seriously ... why not?

If your spouse is so dangerous that he can’t properly watch his own kids, then you need to call cps and get a lawyer involved.

Whenever women claim this I get very suspicious. They are basically saying their spouse is dangerous. It makes me think there are other things going on the marriage and that the DW is also at fault.

My idiot spouse just raced someone else home on 270 and the parkway and almost got in an accident . Kid was in the car. Yes they are dangerous and No family court judges don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Look up weaponized incompetence. Leave him - chances are he won’t be organized enough to really fight for himself in the divorce. Research first so you can document his lack of parenting to help with custody. If possible maybe wait until the youngest is 5 - that way if he has some custody the kids can handle potty and getting food from a pantry on their own if they are neglected.

I have ADHD and occasional depression and I am a capable, contributing partner. It’s his lack of willingness to change that is the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, in general, you're living a life too close to the edge

Calm the family schedule down, down to a speed you could handle if it were just you.

Op here. What does this mean? My kids aren’t in activities. I have to work. It would make sense if my kids had a ton of extra curriculars or something. Therapy for my SN child is non-optional, same with his doctor appointments. I could have skipped my siblings funeral but I wanted to go. It was the first time I went on a plane in 2.5 years.

The financial presssures of divorce may cut into what therapies you can persue and how much outsourcing you can afford. Pick your priorties.

Perhaps she could negotiate those in the divorce settlement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar situation but my kids are older. The only light I can give you is that as your kids get older, he will be able to be with them alone more (because they're older and don't really need as much supervision, not because he's doing anything).

To the posters that say things like... you should've left your oldest child with him, you should announce you're taking a 5 day vacation and leaving the kids with him, etc... you really don't understand what you're talking about. This is just not an option for people like the OP or me.

Seriously ... why not?

If your spouse is so dangerous that he can’t properly watch his own kids, then you need to call cps and get a lawyer involved.

Whenever women claim this I get very suspicious. They are basically saying their spouse is dangerous. It makes me think there are other things going on the marriage and that the DW is also at fault.

NP here, and you seem stupid. Yes, a spouse's negligence could in fact be dangerous. It seems a lot easier to therefore not leave your kids alone with them, than to purposely leave your kids alone with them, wait for them to hurt the kids, and then "call cops and get a lawyer involved."

+1

In my case DH is fine in small doses (like a day) but anything beyond that and he will be pushed to his limit and I would absolutely worry about the kids. I’d never leave him for 5 days just to see what would happen because that seems negligent. He would also view it as an act of war because he already gets very resentful of having them on his own for just one day.

[Anonymous]

Op, why don’t you just push your DH to make more money and then you can outsource al the stuff he won’t do?

Seriously, my DH is a wonderful person who hates doing any housework or childcare. We have 3 kids, two with special needs. When we had our first kid I made more money than DH but I think he decides he would rather work harder at work than at home and switch to the private sector. I think he will make seven figures next year (5years after the switch) and now I could nag him about helping out but instead I just pay for someone else to do it.

It’s saved our marriage. I am also less resentful because he works a lot of hours, so it’s not like we both work 40 hrs and then I’m doing the second shift - he works 60+ hrs, I work 40 and do lots of kids/house stuff and his extra income pays for the rest to get done.

I do understand that not everyone can just shift jobs and double their income overnight, but it was a huge breakthrough when I realized that my DH was never going to voluntarily pitch in at home, even though he loves me a lot, but he is very professionally motivated and understands very well that more money means less housework for him.

Also, if you spend all your time focusing on all the things your DH sucks at, you are definitely going to be angry all the time. Your posts make it sound like you hate and have contempt for your spouse. You have tried to change him, he won’t change, or at least not that much. Either find a way to accept his lack of housework (like through a higher paying job) or divorce him. You are just making everyone miserable by trying to force him to do something he is telling you he isn’t going to do.