Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH probably has ADHD and might be on the spectrum and might even be depressed but he is unwilling to get help for any of those things, despite my urging.

The problem is I truly need his help with our two young kids and household, and he continually drops the ball on things, and I am full of resentment.

I have done:
-individual and couples therapy
-antidepressants
-getting a less demanding job myself so I have more time to do household/kid stuff
-helping DH get a less demanding job, which he landed but which has not resulted in him doing any extra work
-getting one of our healthy parents to move close to us to help with kids
-outsourcing and automating as much as we possibly can. We have childcare 7 days a week.

Is there any way I can stop being an angry, resentful shrew every waking minute of the day? I have of course considered divorce but I am unsure it will actually help my stress level, because then I will be coparenting with an unreliable, disorganized, disengaged person. I worry the logistics will get more complicated and I will end up actually having more on my plate if we divorce.

I am just so tired and overwhelmed. I cannot do it all, and I cannot count on DH. I am so tired.

I would seriously consider divorce, maybe in a few years when both kids are in school, but for now I think you drop the rope with him and prioritize. It sounds like you have two other adults helping with childcare so what are examples of things you are doing that you would like your husband to do?

Op here. Recently I was flying across the country for a funeral in my family. I planned to take our oldest child with me. The morning we were supposed to depart, our child got into an accident and badly injured himself. I took him to the ER and the ER prescribed antibiotics. We were running super late and it was down to the wire whether we’d make it to our flight on time. I didn’t have time to go to the pharmacy so asked DH to see if we could get the antibiotic prescription filled when we arrived. DH agreed to handle it.

DH’s version of “handling it” was to send me the name of a target near my hotel. I thought this meant he had called them to verify that they had the medication and would take the prescription from another state. I was wrong. I get to the target and it doesn’t even have a pharmacy. It’s 8 PM and I was on my own with our kid and ended up having to call around while sitting on a bench outside target trying to find a pharmacy that was nearby and open and had the medication. It took 9 phone calls and three uber rides but I finally got it.

Unless the funeral was your parents, I have no idea why you went with your oldest kid who just got out of the ER. Leave him home.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar situation OP. My kids are now older. But what I did was hire a nanny full time despite not working.

Now my kids are in school so I have time for things while they are school. I would not divorce in my situation he’s feed them fast food and hand the electronics away.

I will say it gets better when they are school age. But how much better I can’t promise. My son has special needs also but school has been amazing help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH probably has ADHD and might be on the spectrum and might even be depressed but he is unwilling to get help for any of those things, despite my urging.

The problem is I truly need his help with our two young kids and household, and he continually drops the ball on things, and I am full of resentment.

I have done:
-individual and couples therapy
-antidepressants
-getting a less demanding job myself so I have more time to do household/kid stuff
-helping DH get a less demanding job, which he landed but which has not resulted in him doing any extra work
-getting one of our healthy parents to move close to us to help with kids
-outsourcing and automating as much as we possibly can. We have childcare 7 days a week.

Is there any way I can stop being an angry, resentful shrew every waking minute of the day? I have of course considered divorce but I am unsure it will actually help my stress level, because then I will be coparenting with an unreliable, disorganized, disengaged person. I worry the logistics will get more complicated and I will end up actually having more on my plate if we divorce.

I am just so tired and overwhelmed. I cannot do it all, and I cannot count on DH. I am so tired.

I would seriously consider divorce, maybe in a few years when both kids are in school, but for now I think you drop the rope with him and prioritize. It sounds like you have two other adults helping with childcare so what are examples of things you are doing that you would like your husband to do?

Op here. Recently I was flying across the country for a funeral in my family. I planned to take our oldest child with me. The morning we were supposed to depart, our child got into an accident and badly injured himself. I took him to the ER and the ER prescribed antibiotics. We were running super late and it was down to the wire whether we’d make it to our flight on time. I didn’t have time to go to the pharmacy so asked DH to see if we could get the antibiotic prescription filled when we arrived. DH agreed to handle it.

DH’s version of “handling it” was to send me the name of a target near my hotel. I thought this meant he had called them to verify that they had the medication and would take the prescription from another state. I was wrong. I get to the target and it doesn’t even have a pharmacy. It’s 8 PM and I was on my own with our kid and ended up having to call around while sitting on a bench outside target trying to find a pharmacy that was nearby and open and had the medication. It took 9 phone calls and three uber rides but I finally got it.

Unless the funeral was your parents, I have no idea why you went with your oldest kid who just got out of the ER. Leave him home.

Agree I’m Pp with a special needs kid. I cancel a lot of stuff to make life easy. I wouldn’t have gone. Explain los has to go to the ER. Who passed away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an engaged dh, so maybe I shouldn’t weigh in. But I wouldn’t discount divorce. My parents divorced and it was good for us. My dad treated my mom poorly and I’m glad we didn’t have that as our model for a marriage all throughout our childhood. At least you’ll have the law on your side when it comes to things like co-parenting. You’re doing 100% already, wouldn’t you like some down time when the kids are at dads house? You could have time to yourself and not be resentful.

If I were in your shoes, OP, I would divorce and this here is the reason why. At least you would get a break to catch up on things when the kids are at dad’s house. This would only work, of course, if you let go of all expectations when they’re over there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH probably has ADHD and might be on the spectrum and might even be depressed but he is unwilling to get help for any of those things, despite my urging.

The problem is I truly need his help with our two young kids and household, and he continually drops the ball on things, and I am full of resentment.

I have done:
-individual and couples therapy
-antidepressants
-getting a less demanding job myself so I have more time to do household/kid stuff
-helping DH get a less demanding job, which he landed but which has not resulted in him doing any extra work
-getting one of our healthy parents to move close to us to help with kids
-outsourcing and automating as much as we possibly can. We have childcare 7 days a week.

Is there any way I can stop being an angry, resentful shrew every waking minute of the day? I have of course considered divorce but I am unsure it will actually help my stress level, because then I will be coparenting with an unreliable, disorganized, disengaged person. I worry the logistics will get more complicated and I will end up actually having more on my plate if we divorce.

I am just so tired and overwhelmed. I cannot do it all, and I cannot count on DH. I am so tired.

I would seriously consider divorce, maybe in a few years when both kids are in school, but for now I think you drop the rope with him and prioritize. It sounds like you have two other adults helping with childcare so what are examples of things you are doing that you would like your husband to do?

Op here. Recently I was flying across the country for a funeral in my family. I planned to take our oldest child with me. The morning we were supposed to depart, our child got into an accident and badly injured himself. I took him to the ER and the ER prescribed antibiotics. We were running super late and it was down to the wire whether we’d make it to our flight on time. I didn’t have time to go to the pharmacy so asked DH to see if we could get the antibiotic prescription filled when we arrived. DH agreed to handle it.

DH’s version of “handling it” was to send me the name of a target near my hotel. I thought this meant he had called them to verify that they had the medication and would take the prescription from another state. I was wrong. I get to the target and it doesn’t even have a pharmacy. It’s 8 PM and I was on my own with our kid and ended up having to call around while sitting on a bench outside target trying to find a pharmacy that was nearby and open and had the medication. It took 9 phone calls and three uber rides but I finally got it.

Unless the funeral was your parents, I have no idea why you went with your oldest kid who just got out of the ER. Leave him home.

Agree I’m Pp with a special needs kid. I cancel a lot of stuff to make life easy. I wouldn’t have gone. Explain los has to go to the ER. Who passed away?

Op here. My sibling. I had to either cancel or take the oldest child with me because DH cannot handle them both alone, and our weekend babysitter was only available her usual hours. It was better for the oldest to be with me because if I’d left him he wouldn’t have gotten his antibiotics at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH probably has ADHD and might be on the spectrum and might even be depressed but he is unwilling to get help for any of those things, despite my urging.

The problem is I truly need his help with our two young kids and household, and he continually drops the ball on things, and I am full of resentment.

I have done:
-individual and couples therapy
-antidepressants
-getting a less demanding job myself so I have more time to do household/kid stuff
-helping DH get a less demanding job, which he landed but which has not resulted in him doing any extra work
-getting one of our healthy parents to move close to us to help with kids
-outsourcing and automating as much as we possibly can. We have childcare 7 days a week.

Is there any way I can stop being an angry, resentful shrew every waking minute of the day? I have of course considered divorce but I am unsure it will actually help my stress level, because then I will be coparenting with an unreliable, disorganized, disengaged person. I worry the logistics will get more complicated and I will end up actually having more on my plate if we divorce.

I am just so tired and overwhelmed. I cannot do it all, and I cannot count on DH. I am so tired.

I would seriously consider divorce, maybe in a few years when both kids are in school, but for now I think you drop the rope with him and prioritize. It sounds like you have two other adults helping with childcare so what are examples of things you are doing that you would like your husband to do?

Op here. Recently I was flying across the country for a funeral in my family. I planned to take our oldest child with me. The morning we were supposed to depart, our child got into an accident and badly injured himself. I took him to the ER and the ER prescribed antibiotics. We were running super late and it was down to the wire whether we’d make it to our flight on time. I didn’t have time to go to the pharmacy so asked DH to see if we could get the antibiotic prescription filled when we arrived. DH agreed to handle it.

DH’s version of “handling it” was to send me the name of a target near my hotel. I thought this meant he had called them to verify that they had the medication and would take the prescription from another state. I was wrong. I get to the target and it doesn’t even have a pharmacy. It’s 8 PM and I was on my own with our kid and ended up having to call around while sitting on a bench outside target trying to find a pharmacy that was nearby and open and had the medication. It took 9 phone calls and three uber rides but I finally got it.

Unless the funeral was your parents, I have no idea why you went with your oldest kid who just got out of the ER. Leave him home.

Agree I’m Pp with a special needs kid. I cancel a lot of stuff to make life easy. I wouldn’t have gone. Explain los has to go to the ER. Who passed away?

Op here. My sibling. I had to either cancel or take the oldest child with me because DH cannot handle them both alone, and our weekend babysitter was only available her usual hours. It was better for the oldest to be with me because if I’d left him he wouldn’t have gotten his antibiotics at all.

What do you mean, he can't handle them both alone? Just that he finds it stressful, or he doesn't do the parenting tasks "right"? Sometimes a half-a** job is a good enough job, at least temporarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a loser. How entitled is he that he can’t get 3 things done on his list? I’m guessing he can at work—somehow. I couldn’t stay married to him.

This dynamic is incredibly common with a spouse with ADHD. It takes so much more effort for their brain to succeed at executive functioning at work they ofte drop the ball at home. Not an excuse, but an underlying explanation.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if you can’t manage with two flexible jobs, help from local family AND outsourcing everything you just need to focus on simplifying your life in general. That is way more help than most people have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is he dropping the ball on? How old are your children? Can you outsource?

Op here. A recent example is, through therapy we went through the exercise of making a spreadsheet of all the work we have to do in a month and dividing up who does what. My list is much longer than his, but I was like, please just tell me what things you will handle and then handle them without my involvement. One item on his list is our car-registering it, maintaining it, etc.

Last weekend, I had to go out of town for 2 days and as I got in the car to leave on my road trip, I realized the car had not had an oil change in 14 months. When I asked DH about it he got very defensive and said he has been very busy.

His list has 3 things on it, mine probably has 40. And he can’t even do the 3 things.

And what did the therapist point out about the disparity in your lists? Was there any acknowledgement from your husband as to the disparity?

Based on this and the antibiotic example below he sounds pretty thoughtless.

I guess I'd do a couple of things if I was in your shoes:

1) tell him that him dropping the ball is pi$$ing you off and making you not want to stay married. Just put it out there. Don't ask him to change, don't nag, just tell him the truth.

2) stop relying on him for things that affect you - like an oil change for the car - and decide which of the kid things he's supposed to handle can fall through the cracks; and

3) stop doing anything for him. Don't do his laundry. Don't buy toiletries for him. If you're the cook then you do what's easiest for you. Tell him you can't do it all and aren't going to. And then don't.

Op here. Thanks. This is a good idea. I’ll try this. I do all the household laundry, per the chore chart but that is one thing I can just stop doing right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you can’t manage with two flexible jobs, help from local family AND outsourcing everything you just need to focus on simplifying your life in general. That is way more help than most people have.

+1. For real. I'm ambitious (full-time working mom in fast-paced profession) and so is my spouse, and we make time for a ton of hobbies and have a LOT of help, but this is even more help than we have. And we have no local family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a loser. How entitled is he that he can’t get 3 things done on his list? I’m guessing he can at work—somehow. I couldn’t stay married to him.

This dynamic is incredibly common with a spouse with ADHD. It takes so much more effort for their brain to succeed at executive functioning at work they ofte drop the ball at home. Not an excuse, but an underlying explanation.

Ok but what is the answer then? The non ADHD spouse just does everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a loser. How entitled is he that he can’t get 3 things done on his list? I’m guessing he can at work—somehow. I couldn’t stay married to him.

This dynamic is incredibly common with a spouse with ADHD. It takes so much more effort for their brain to succeed at executive functioning at work they ofte drop the ball at home. Not an excuse, but an underlying explanation.

Man. This resonates a lot. I'm kind of skeptical of a lot of "label" diagnoses for ordinary-seeming people but holy crap....it me.

[Anonymous]

This is our dynamic and I plan to divorce as soon as my youngest is old enough that I feel he will be safe in lazy-DH’s care. I am not going to live a life of resentment and allow DH to parachute in for all the fun parts of parenting while I do all the work.

[Anonymous]

I would cut through the BS and just say, "Look. I can't continue as things are anymore. Go get evaluated and medicated for ADHD and/or depression by XYZ date or I'm going to move forward with pursuing divorce."

And if he doesn't follow through, or he does and it doesn't make any difference, do it. Get divorced. What's the point in staying?

[Anonymous]

OP, focus on changing your own feelings and not on him or trying to change him. It is the only thing under your control.

Divorce will mean more logistical issues and less money to outsource as it goes to 2 residences. I don't know how significant your child's SN are but I was not able to afford as many therapies, interventions, etc after DH used a new relationship as a temporary neurological boost and bailed. It did not make things easier, for me, or for the kids. It is actually way worse for the kids now, they hate spending holidays with random strangers and sometimes their kids.

The anger and frustration are spiking a lot of cortisol that is terrible for your own health. CBT or DBT therapy might be more helpful, talk therapy and couples therapy made me more angry.