Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?

[Anonymous]

DH probably has ADHD and might be on the spectrum and might even be depressed but he is unwilling to get help for any of those things, despite my urging.

The problem is I truly need his help with our two young kids and household, and he continually drops the ball on things, and I am full of resentment.

I have done:
-individual and couples therapy
-antidepressants
-getting a less demanding job myself so I have more time to do household/kid stuff
-helping DH get a less demanding job, which he landed but which has not resulted in him doing any extra work
-getting one of our healthy parents to move close to us to help with kids
-outsourcing and automating as much as we possibly can. We have childcare 7 days a week.

Is there any way I can stop being an angry, resentful shrew every waking minute of the day? I have of course considered divorce but I am unsure it will actually help my stress level, because then I will be coparenting with an unreliable, disorganized, disengaged person. I worry the logistics will get more complicated and I will end up actually having more on my plate if we divorce.

I am just so tired and overwhelmed. I cannot do it all, and I cannot count on DH. I am so tired.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids?

2 kids, both under 5. One with special needs.

[Anonymous]

I get it. The disengagement is what is killing me. DH spends every moment that he is not actively working (which is maybe 4.5 hours a day) staring at his phone or playing a video game. If I want him to do anything childcare or household related, I have to ask him explicitly and even then, I am often told he is "busy".

The annoying thing is that if I do start demanding more, or express any frustration with the fact that I am doing almost all of the childcare/housework, he immediately blows up at me for being a nag. It's basically not worth it because at best I will get a couple days of resentful contributions before things return to the status quo, plus have to have several difficult conversations with him about the whole incident.

I don't know what the answer is. But solidarity.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is he dropping the ball on? How old are your children? Can you outsource?

[Anonymous]

I have an engaged dh, so maybe I shouldn’t weigh in. But I wouldn’t discount divorce. My parents divorced and it was good for us. My dad treated my mom poorly and I’m glad we didn’t have that as our model for a marriage all throughout our childhood. At least you’ll have the law on your side when it comes to things like co-parenting. You’re doing 100% already, wouldn’t you like some down time when the kids are at dads house? You could have time to yourself and not be resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH probably has ADHD and might be on the spectrum and might even be depressed but he is unwilling to get help for any of those things, despite my urging.

The problem is I truly need his help with our two young kids and household, and he continually drops the ball on things, and I am full of resentment.

I have done:
-individual and couples therapy
-antidepressants
-getting a less demanding job myself so I have more time to do household/kid stuff
-helping DH get a less demanding job, which he landed but which has not resulted in him doing any extra work
-getting one of our healthy parents to move close to us to help with kids
-outsourcing and automating as much as we possibly can. We have childcare 7 days a week.

Is there any way I can stop being an angry, resentful shrew every waking minute of the day? I have of course considered divorce but I am unsure it will actually help my stress level, because then I will be coparenting with an unreliable, disorganized, disengaged person. I worry the logistics will get more complicated and I will end up actually having more on my plate if we divorce.

I am just so tired and overwhelmed. I cannot do it all, and I cannot count on DH. I am so tired.

I would seriously consider divorce, maybe in a few years when both kids are in school, but for now I think you drop the rope with him and prioritize. It sounds like you have two other adults helping with childcare so what are examples of things you are doing that you would like your husband to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. The disengagement is what is killing me. DH spends every moment that he is not actively working (which is maybe 4.5 hours a day) staring at his phone or playing a video game. If I want him to do anything childcare or household related, I have to ask him explicitly and even then, I am often told he is "busy".

The annoying thing is that if I do start demanding more, or express any frustration with the fact that I am doing almost all of the childcare/housework, he immediately blows up at me for being a nag. It's basically not worth it because at best I will get a couple days of resentful contributions before things return to the status quo, plus have to have several difficult conversations with him about the whole incident.

I don't know what the answer is. But solidarity.

The answer for you is to definitely divorce or treat him like an ATM. It certainly doesn't sound like he's adding a lot of value.

[Anonymous]

OP this time will pass, faster than you think. I know it's hard when you are in the thick of it.

I would outsource all you can.

Remember being a single mom means you still have all the responsibility and no help. And you can't control how your irresponsible ex parents on his time so, find a way to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Can you have a chore chart? I know it sounds dumb, but it may help. I'm disorganized and it appears lazy but I"m actually genuinely not "seeing" what needs to be done. Having it explicitly laid out in a calendar or bulleted list helped me immensely. And that way it's coming from an external source that's NOT the spouse, so it doesn't come off as "nagging."


I'm the wife, for what it's worth.

[Anonymous]

I am simultaneously glad that I'm not the only one in this situation and sad for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is he dropping the ball on? How old are your children? Can you outsource?

Op here. A recent example is, through therapy we went through the exercise of making a spreadsheet of all the work we have to do in a month and dividing up who does what. My list is much longer than his, but I was like, please just tell me what things you will handle and then handle them without my involvement. One item on his list is our car-registering it, maintaining it, etc.

Last weekend, I had to go out of town for 2 days and as I got in the car to leave on my road trip, I realized the car had not had an oil change in 14 months. When I asked DH about it he got very defensive and said he has been very busy.

His list has 3 things on it, mine probably has 40. And he can’t even do the 3 things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you have a chore chart? I know it sounds dumb, but it may help. I'm disorganized and it appears lazy but I"m actually genuinely not "seeing" what needs to be done. Having it explicitly laid out in a calendar or bulleted list helped me immensely. And that way it's coming from an external source that's NOT the spouse, so it doesn't come off as "nagging."


I'm the wife, for what it's worth.

Op here. Yes we’ve done this twice in therapy. We go through the exercise of making the chart and then DH simply does not do the items on the chart, unless I turn into an absolute shrew and ride him about each little task like I’m literally his drill sergeant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this time will pass, faster than you think. I know it's hard when you are in the thick of it.

I would outsource all you can.

Remember being a single mom means you still have all the responsibility and no help. And you can't control how your irresponsible ex parents on his time so, find a way to make it work.

Op here. I agree I just don’t know what to do about the rage I feel all the time. Rage and exhaustion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH probably has ADHD and might be on the spectrum and might even be depressed but he is unwilling to get help for any of those things, despite my urging.

The problem is I truly need his help with our two young kids and household, and he continually drops the ball on things, and I am full of resentment.

I have done:
-individual and couples therapy
-antidepressants
-getting a less demanding job myself so I have more time to do household/kid stuff
-helping DH get a less demanding job, which he landed but which has not resulted in him doing any extra work
-getting one of our healthy parents to move close to us to help with kids
-outsourcing and automating as much as we possibly can. We have childcare 7 days a week.

Is there any way I can stop being an angry, resentful shrew every waking minute of the day? I have of course considered divorce but I am unsure it will actually help my stress level, because then I will be coparenting with an unreliable, disorganized, disengaged person. I worry the logistics will get more complicated and I will end up actually having more on my plate if we divorce.

I am just so tired and overwhelmed. I cannot do it all, and I cannot count on DH. I am so tired.

I would seriously consider divorce, maybe in a few years when both kids are in school, but for now I think you drop the rope with him and prioritize. It sounds like you have two other adults helping with childcare so what are examples of things you are doing that you would like your husband to do?

Op here. Recently I was flying across the country for a funeral in my family. I planned to take our oldest child with me. The morning we were supposed to depart, our child got into an accident and badly injured himself. I took him to the ER and the ER prescribed antibiotics. We were running super late and it was down to the wire whether we’d make it to our flight on time. I didn’t have time to go to the pharmacy so asked DH to see if we could get the antibiotic prescription filled when we arrived. DH agreed to handle it.

DH’s version of “handling it” was to send me the name of a target near my hotel. I thought this meant he had called them to verify that they had the medication and would take the prescription from another state. I was wrong. I get to the target and it doesn’t even have a pharmacy. It’s 8 PM and I was on my own with our kid and ended up having to call around while sitting on a bench outside target trying to find a pharmacy that was nearby and open and had the medication. It took 9 phone calls and three uber rides but I finally got it.