Way to get past my resentment towards lazy DH, knowing he will not change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is he dropping the ball on? How old are your children? Can you outsource?

Op here. A recent example is, through therapy we went through the exercise of making a spreadsheet of all the work we have to do in a month and dividing up who does what. My list is much longer than his, but I was like, please just tell me what things you will handle and then handle them without my involvement. One item on his list is our car-registering it, maintaining it, etc.

Last weekend, I had to go out of town for 2 days and as I got in the car to leave on my road trip, I realized the car had not had an oil change in 14 months. When I asked DH about it he got very defensive and said he has been very busy.

His list has 3 things on it, mine probably has 40. And he can’t even do the 3 things.

I would do a 180, start saving money, and leave if he doesn’t straighten up. That’s no way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this time will pass, faster than you think. I know it's hard when you are in the thick of it.

I would outsource all you can.

Remember being a single mom means you still have all the responsibility and no help. And you can't control how your irresponsible ex parents on his time so, find a way to make it work.

Op here. I agree I just don’t know what to do about the rage I feel all the time. Rage and exhaustion.

Talk to your doctor. Maybe a tiny dose of Zoloft will keep you sane until you can divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, in general, you're living a life too close to the edge

Calm the family schedule down, down to a speed you could handle if it were just you.

Op here. What does this mean? My kids aren’t in activities. I have to work. It would make sense if my kids had a ton of extra curriculars or something. Therapy for my SN child is non-optional, same with his doctor appointments. I could have skipped my siblings funeral but I wanted to go. It was the first time I went on a plane in 2.5 years.

OP, please ignore those telling you to miss your sibling’s funeral….or blame you in any way. This is a husband problem.

Can you afford to have your nanny stay a little later in the evening? Can she bathe the kids and feed them dinner? You eat what you want, and forget about DH’s needs.

[Anonymous]

Agree you need to disengage. But also, I would consult a divorce lawyer preemptively to see if there are things you should be doing now. Also, consider if you get a divorce he will have both kids on his own, so you might as well leave him with them now. What is the reason for not doing so? If you are capable why is he not? It might not go smoothly, but do you think it’s going to irreparably harm them? Then outsource more. Take your & kids laundry to fluff n fold; have meals delivered or ask your nanny to feed and bathe the kids before you get home. Or find a nanny who will stay longer or do more household chores. Get therapy for yourself, schedule at least a day off every 2-3 weeks for non-chores. Focus on the stuff you cannot drop - insurance calls, doctor visits, work. Everything else is inconsequential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this time will pass, faster than you think. I know it's hard when you are in the thick of it.

I would outsource all you can.

Remember being a single mom means you still have all the responsibility and no help. And you can't control how your irresponsible ex parents on his time so, find a way to make it work.

Op here. I agree I just don’t know what to do about the rage I feel all the time. Rage and exhaustion.

Talk to your doctor. Maybe a tiny dose of Zoloft will keep you sane until you can divorce.

I would recommend Prozac rather then Zoloft, which made me even more exhausted..Takes the edge off the rage though.

Expect him to do absolutely nothing OP. Encourage him to work and make as much money as possible, as that is all he sounds like he wants to do anyhow.

You take care of you and the children, your clothes, your car, your meals. If he happens to be around to eat, great, if not, oh well. He takes care of anything that is only his, like his car and clothes, etc.. since he can't seem to do anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, in general, you're living a life too close to the edge

Calm the family schedule down, down to a speed you could handle if it were just you.

Op here. What does this mean? My kids aren’t in activities. I have to work. It would make sense if my kids had a ton of extra curriculars or something. Therapy for my SN child is non-optional, same with his doctor appointments. I could have skipped my siblings funeral but I wanted to go. It was the first time I went on a plane in 2.5 years.

The financial presssures of divorce may cut into what therapies you can persue and how much outsourcing you can afford. Pick your priorties.

Perhaps she could negotiate those in the divorce settlement

2 household require more money, it has to come from somewhere.