Why do so many of us have issues with our ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forced relationships with people we would never be interested in knowing or hanging out with. Luck of the draw.

But isn't this true of blood family? And coworkers? And parents of kids' friends?

I agree that the forced closeness of it contributes. But it still seems like we are very much predisposed to let our ILs bother us more than most other people in our lives..

I have far more blood relatives who drive me crazy than in laws who do. In fact, truth be told, I would much rather spend time with my MIL than my mother. I like my mother but she can be difficult (not mean, just a little neurotic). MIL is so much more chill.

I don't think the majority of people have issues with their in-laws--I think it's just the vocal majority here. Plenty of people post about issues in their own families as well, not just in-laws.

I get that you can't choose your in-laws but you can choose not to marry someone because of the family. Dating is one thing but I think you have to consider the whole package when you marry someone, both the good and the bad. My grandmother had a disability that required a lot of attention and financial support from my parents and my dad knew this going into the marriage. But they did discuss it and my mother told him that if he wasn't up for it, she understood. And my father never, ever complained about helping her but it definitely did put a strain on their marriage. Not saying this is the same as a MIL just being annoying or overbearing but the point is, it's important to consider the family as well as the spouse when you are talking about a lifetime commitment. Saying you didn't get to choose your in-laws is not 100% accurate.

My MIL was awkward but harmless while we were dating. She was excited when we were planning our wedding. Literally the wedding weekend, something inside her flipped to THREAT LEVEL 10. We’ve never fully recovered and it’s been 12 years. I dated my DH for 4 years before that. He was just as confused as I was. I don’t think she realized her son getting married meant she’d have to share him with my family. And she just lost it and became an insecure bean counter who was unhappy no matter what. So how we spend less time with her.

[Anonymous]

I agree "forced relationship" is factor

Want to add "parental proxy"

I am disappointed in my own parents, then I think I felt even more disappointed by my MIL in particular. I don't know that I expected her to be things my own mom was not, but I think maybe I was angry she was not?

My ILs are actually wonderful. Generous. Respect boundaries. I am lucky.

My issues have been so petty. Like, they wanted me to call them Mom and Dad but I will NOT. I gained them as a late 30s adult and there is no way that they are my mom and dad, and it annoys me that they would expect it. But they have not pressed it at all!! So what's my problem?

Another factor is just "being the wife"

People here always like, let your DH handle his own parents! I appreciate that, but in my reality, I manage the relationships, or they are not managed, and resent it. And I try to do , but the ILs are texting me when they need info and looking at me when they did not get acknowledgment of a gift, and etc.

[Anonymous]

My ILs just never treated me with any respect or care. My MIL is treats me like less than in every situation - an example: she doesn't like for me to be in family photos - we've been married 20 years and there isn't a single photo of me in their home. She thinks b/c I don't say anything, that she can treat me how she wants but I have really grown to despise her over the years. I just don't say anything b/c I don't want to get into an argument. I think they are the type of people that if you stay quiet when they are mean, they up the level of meanness and criticism. Maybe I should've spoken up while we were dating but it's not my personality. She just has always treated me like the help.

[Anonymous]

You all can speculate and analyze all you want but trust me when I say your in laws, especially your MILs, dislike you as much or more than you them.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine not loving my in laws. It never occurred to me even that I get to not like them. I love my husband and they cone with him.

That being said, of course they do things that irk me and have different customs / preferences. But unless they cross a line to intentionally harm my kids (which they wouldn’t I know) it really does matter go make it an issue for me. For example, my mil pushes candy and sweets on my kids 24x7. It irks me but I let it slide bc it comes from a place of love.

It helps that I am pretty sure they approach me the same way. I come from a different ethnic background than my DH. I do things differently with my kids than they did with theirs. But, they are ok with letting things they would it choose themselves slide.

Both sides need flexibility and kindness.

[Anonymous]

Mine are legit crazy - I have two MILs. MIL2 and my FIL are swingers. H's mom (MIL1) has a mental disease, however she refuses to take medication and keeps getting hospitalized. So, for example, this Thanksgiving, I will have a day hearing about the angels smiling at me through the sunroof and protecting me and the boys from the upcoming Chinese invasion and the next day I will get (unsolicited) advice about how to give proper BJs and how important the hormonal replacement therapy is for the size and sensitivity of the clitoris after the menopause.

[Anonymous]

Somewhat early on DH approached his parents to try to address this, and my FIL summed up the problem. He said about me (and I quote) "we think she should be more like us."

While DH pushed back and defended me, nothing has changed years later. But that line stuck with me. It stuck with me in ways that hurt, that they can't accept me for who I am. And it stuck with me as a reminder that there is nothing that I did wrong and not much I can do to fix the core problem. I'm a person who hates to offend and will always apologize if I do wrong, so I always questioned what I could do differently. But there's nothing I can do here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate the color on all these replies.

But I think maybe I didn't ask the question well. I'm not trying to dismiss the individual issues that people may legitimately have with their inlaws. I'm asking why we seem to let it affect us so much?

A lot of this is just annoying quirks or behavioral traits that I have to think, at least for me, just roll off my back when other people have them. Of course their is truly reprehensible behavior out there. But we comment on the faces they make, the type of food that is served and how they eat it, the types of stories they tell, the way they engage with their grandkids that is just...different than our subjective expectations. With my own MIL, even when I can laugh about it, I am so ATTUNED to it. I work myself up before visits, I am always paying attention for the next annoying thing to notice, etc. Even after 20 years, I am predisposed to find my MIL annoying. In contrast, comparable behavior from my own father I don't even really notice unless DH points it out.

I know I'm generalizing and I know that the holiday season will give a skewed sample judging just from DCUM posts. But still, in the aggregate, it appears that our outlook toward our inlaws is so much more judgmental than it is to other people in our lived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I wouldn't choose to be friends with my in-laws either, if I just randomly met them.

My BIL texted my husband TODAY (four days before Tgiving) to tell us that everyone in his family is now vegetarian except him. Why are they just now telling us this? We've planned and bought everything for Tgiving already; I guess I'm headed back to the grocery story this week.

He waited because he doesn’t support the diet of his spouse and child(ren). He hopes you can’t/won’t be able to accommodate them. That gives him ammunition for his desire that they resume eating meat. BTDT in my first marriage. Only nice thing, my then SIL ever did for me was to leave meat out of her side dishes that year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the color on all these replies.

But I think maybe I didn't ask the question well. I'm not trying to dismiss the individual issues that people may legitimately have with their inlaws. I'm asking why we seem to let it affect us so much?

A lot of this is just annoying quirks or behavioral traits that I have to think, at least for me, just roll off my back when other people have them. Of course their is truly reprehensible behavior out there. But we comment on the faces they make, the type of food that is served and how they eat it, the types of stories they tell, the way they engage with their grandkids that is just...different than our subjective expectations. With my own MIL, even when I can laugh about it, I am so ATTUNED to it. I work myself up before visits, I am always paying attention for the next annoying thing to notice, etc. Even after 20 years, I am predisposed to find my MIL annoying. In contrast, comparable behavior from my own father I don't even really notice unless DH points it out.

I know I'm generalizing and I know that the holiday season will give a skewed sample judging just from DCUM posts. But still, in the aggregate, it appears that our outlook toward our inlaws is so much more judgmental than it is to other people in our lived.

It's the "b**** eating a cracker" thing. People here commented about the underlying issues. The underlying issues make the little things more annoying. Your best friend can announce she's gluten free and lol, oh that Larla always trying some fad diet. But when MIL does it she's attention seeking and insecure and uninformed. Because of all the other underlying issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the color on all these replies.

But I think maybe I didn't ask the question well. I'm not trying to dismiss the individual issues that people may legitimately have with their inlaws. I'm asking why we seem to let it affect us so much?

A lot of this is just annoying quirks or behavioral traits that I have to think, at least for me, just roll off my back when other people have them. Of course their is truly reprehensible behavior out there. But we comment on the faces they make, the type of food that is served and how they eat it, the types of stories they tell, the way they engage with their grandkids that is just...different than our subjective expectations. With my own MIL, even when I can laugh about it, I am so ATTUNED to it. I work myself up before visits, I am always paying attention for the next annoying thing to notice, etc. Even after 20 years, I am predisposed to find my MIL annoying. In contrast, comparable behavior from my own father I don't even really notice unless DH points it out.

I know I'm generalizing and I know that the holiday season will give a skewed sample judging just from DCUM posts. But still, in the aggregate, it appears that our outlook toward our inlaws is so much more judgmental than it is to other people in our lived.

It's the "b**** eating a cracker" thing. People here commented about the underlying issues. The underlying issues make the little things more annoying. Your best friend can announce she's gluten free and lol, oh that Larla always trying some fad diet. But when MIL does it she's attention seeking and insecure and uninformed. Because of all the other underlying issues.

OP here. Thanks that is helpful and insightful.

As for my personal situation, I think it is the opposite. My MIL is overbearing, sucks up the air in the room, says passive aggressive and even outright aggressive things about how we live our life, and is constantly interrupting people. It is annoying. But underlying all that is a loving woman who has led a life that is a good roll model for my kids, who is always checking in on us and sending little gifts, and who dedicates a ton of her time and energy to advocacy and making the world a better place. But 90% of the time, I only notice the annoying stuff. I'm trying to change my own outlook.

[Anonymous]

My mom has a great relationship with my dad’s parents. My grandmother had 2 boys and a girl though.
I have an OK relationship with my ILs - my MIL has 3 boys. I sort of feel like if the MIL has only boys they can be a little more controlling to their DILs. That is a generality of course.

I have 3 kids - ages 12, 9, and 6. When my oldest was a baby I basically went to therapy about my MIL and so did one of my SILs previously. At that time I was new to parenting and insecure about everything I was doing so her criticism didn’t help. Now I am secure in my parenting and recognize that she has anxiety and English is her second language and I know I’m right & she’s wrong & also that she can’t say things so tactfully & can shrug it off and I know she actually does like me & that she’s critical of everyone. If she ever says anything anymore that really bothers me - I vent to my SILs and they talk me down.

My husband does not have a great relationship with his parents so we don’t see them all that often. If anything - I make it easier for him to be around his parents - taking some of the criticism off him and onto me. I also have him deal with his side of the family on anything contentious rather than me. I know they react better to things coming from him who’ve they’ve known for 47 years vs 16 years from me.

My mom is main communicator with my dad’s side. I wish my husband took more that off my plate. I guess that’s the changing times but I work / have kids / and I really do wish he would stay in better touch with his family rather than having it fall to me. But I’ve generally accepted it at this point and try to call them once a week but sometimes I slip and it goes longer.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the whole thread but my theory is that in a lot of cases, the things that annoy us about our in-laws are traits we dislike in our spouse. We overlook them in our spouse but having to put up with the same traits in another person (or multiple people) that we don’t happen to love already driv s us insane.

[Anonymous]

Because gender roles and work loads have changed in the past 20 years but they are still stuck in the past way of doing things. I'm sorry Karen I don't have time for daily chats on the phone because I work 50 f****** hours a week and you never once stepped outside the house even after the kids went to school. So yeah you had more time to bake cookies for your mother-in-law every week. Also your darling son doesn't do 50% of the housework because you never taught him while growing up and never had your husband model that either. so it has been a slow process to show him that this is what a man does today.. you undermining that with all of your condescending comments surely does not help.

Also I am literally stuck with these people until they die or I divorce so everything they do is amplified because I have no choice to stop having them be part of my family. A friend I can just do this all fade but in-laws are yours forever. If she didn't comment on our nuclear family in the way we do things so much I wouldn't mind her if she could just stay in her Lane. I don't call up her husband and say all the things that my mother-in-law should be doing better or differently for him and I would appreciate the same respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the whole thread but my theory is that in a lot of cases, the things that annoy us about our in-laws are traits we dislike in our spouse. We overlook them in our spouse but having to put up with the same traits in another person (or multiple people) that we don’t happen to love already driv s us insane.

Yes! But I can point these things out to dh or discuss like adults if needed.