Why do so many of us have issues with our ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forced relationships with people we would never be interested in knowing or hanging out with. Luck of the draw.

But isn't this true of blood family? And coworkers? And parents of kids' friends?

I agree that the forced closeness of it contributes. But it still seems like we are very much predisposed to let our ILs bother us more than most other people in our lives..

[Anonymous]

It’s a battle for the matriarchy and family culture. We form our own families and mothers tend to establish and maintain the family culture including eg religion, food, clothing, traditions, values, children’s activities, etc. this is threatening to the MIL who spent decades instilling her own family culture in the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you come from a family with its own habits and values and plenty of years invested in loving those people and now you all of a sudden have to adapt to a completely different way of doing things.

Yes and I think a lot of your own family's quirks are normalized for you plus how much you care for them over time. And then ILs just seem so strange but are supposed to be this close relationship.

I think this is mostly it, but in relationship to the DC area, a lot of people here have huge egos, and can't accept a difference as just that, no it's an attack on their character. " How dare someone not be exactly like me/how I expect them to be!" and they escalate in a drop of a hat, thus leading to dysfunctional relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you come from a family with its own habits and values and plenty of years invested in loving those people and now you all of a sudden have to adapt to a completely different way of doing things.

Yes and I think a lot of your own family's quirks are normalized for you plus how much you care for them over time. And then ILs just seem so strange but are supposed to be this close relationship.

I think this is mostly it, but in relationship to the DC area, a lot of people here have huge egos, and can't accept a difference as just that, no it's an attack on their character. " How dare someone not be exactly like me/how I expect them to be!" and they escalate in a drop of a hat, thus leading to dysfunctional relationships.

What’s funny is I agree with this hypothesis, but I’m not sure if you are describing DILs, MILs, or both!

[Anonymous]

One word - judgement

We feel judged by our in-laws. They also have a hard time separating from their children so they tend to interfere or try to control aspects of our life that don’t fit their needs or values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you come from a family with its own habits and values and plenty of years invested in loving those people and now you all of a sudden have to adapt to a completely different way of doing things.

Yes and I think a lot of your own family's quirks are normalized for you plus how much you care for them over time. And then ILs just seem so strange but are supposed to be this close relationship.

I think this is mostly it, but in relationship to the DC area, a lot of people here have huge egos, and can't accept a difference as just that, no it's an attack on their character. " How dare someone not be exactly like me/how I expect them to be!" and they escalate in a drop of a hat, thus leading to dysfunctional relationships.

What’s funny is I agree with this hypothesis, but I’m not sure if you are describing DILs, MILs, or both!

Both. It's almost always both parties who contribute to the dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you come from a family with its own habits and values and plenty of years invested in loving those people and now you all of a sudden have to adapt to a completely different way of doing things.

Yes and I think a lot of your own family's quirks are normalized for you plus how much you care for them over time. And then ILs just seem so strange but are supposed to be this close relationship.

I think this is mostly it, but in relationship to the DC area, a lot of people here have huge egos, and can't accept a difference as just that, no it's an attack on their character. " How dare someone not be exactly like me/how I expect them to be!" and they escalate in a drop of a hat, thus leading to dysfunctional relationships.

Inlaw trouble extends beyond this region and this generation. There is nothing special about DC in this regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One word - judgement

We feel judged by our in-laws. They also have a hard time separating from their children so they tend to interfere or try to control aspects of our life that don’t fit their needs or values.

If this is it, then you would agree that you will inevitably be the same way when your children marry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you come from a family with its own habits and values and plenty of years invested in loving those people and now you all of a sudden have to adapt to a completely different way of doing things.

Yes and I think a lot of your own family's quirks are normalized for you plus how much you care for them over time. And then ILs just seem so strange but are supposed to be this close relationship.

I think this is mostly it, but in relationship to the DC area, a lot of people here have huge egos, and can't accept a difference as just that, no it's an attack on their character. " How dare someone not be exactly like me/how I expect them to be!" and they escalate in a drop of a hat, thus leading to dysfunctional relationships.

Inlaw trouble extends beyond this region and this generation. There is nothing special about DC in this regard.[/quote]


I rest my case.

[Anonymous]

I met my MIL when I was 15. My husband snd I got married at 22. We are both 54. I have never had cross words with her. Not one time in all those years. She isn’t perfect. She makes me crazy sometimes. We live 3 miles from my in-laws so we see them a lot. I’m sure I do things that make her crazy as well. She is my husband’s mother. She is my children’s grandmother. I call her “mom” and she treats me like a daughter. She can be mean sometimes. She drinks more than she should. She has self-esteem issues, big time. But I love her. She is family.

I hope my DILs speak kindly about me. I’m not perfect either. I can be a little OCD and high strung. I’m sure I drive them nuts without meaning to. At first I loved them because they loved my boys. Now I love them because they are part of our family. And they are both pretty damn amazing.

The reason so many people have issues with their MIL is simple - It’s competition. Once you learn to drop your end of the rope, you’ll find things are much easier. I don’t need to be right all the time. Peace is more important.

[Anonymous]

Probably because women are hard wired to breed frequently and to be paying attention to a lot of kids but with smaller families they take out all that extra energy critiquing other aspects of their domestic and family environments. No one else can ever do enough but no one can do it right, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think more women dislike their in laws more than the other way around. Guys have the ability to let things roll off their back.

-sign a woman

Guys have the ability to largely opt out and no one bats an eye. My dh can disappear most of a visit (his parents or mine) and that's cool. So he interacts when he feels like it (he actually likes my parents) but can also go workout, watch his own show, not join for a family outting etc and its NBD. If i largely avoid my in laws, I'm considered cold / unwelcoming / standoffish etc.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s because — especially with MILs — when you’re child gets married you are moving into a new phase of life. You are no longer the center of a family. You could be someone’s grandmother. At least it was this in my case. My MIL retired, became a mother in law and a grandmother, felt her mortality and her importance slipping away and tried to claw it back by staging constant power trips and head to heads with me over things like: whether I was “allowed” to bring food to Thanksgiving and who my husband should spend his birthday with. Every single potential decision was a showdown. From what to eat at dinner to what MY HUSBAND AND I should name our child! If she “won” she reassured herself that she was still the mother, the center, and I was 26, resentful and angry and would push back. Twenty years later, I have embraced the gray rock and we get along fine now. But then again, we only see her 3/4 times a year when we used to live down the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because you have to spend a lot of intimate moments with people you didn’t get to choose to spend that time with. You choose your spouse. You choose your friends. On some level, you choose what job you want and the co-workers that go with it.

But what you don’t get to choose is your in-laws. They’re basically these random people who after one ceremony become your family. They then spend time in your home during your vacation days. There are so many opportunities for things to go wrong.

Exactly this. I chose my husband, I did not chose his parents nor his psychotic spinster crazy cat lady sister who has been pushed on me and I am stuck with for the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

My MIL was lovely. I really loved her and she loved me. My BIL is a jerk. We have tried and tried but gave up especially when their mom was sick and he wouldn't call or visit (we offered to pay for the plane ticket and he could stay with us/borrow a car).

My parents.. they are the difficult ones.