Why do so many of us have issues with our ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because you have to spend a lot of intimate moments with people you didn’t get to choose to spend that time with. You choose your spouse. You choose your friends. On some level, you choose what job you want and the co-workers that go with it.

But what you don’t get to choose is your in-laws. They’re basically these random people who after one ceremony become your family. They then spend time in your home during your vacation days. There are so many opportunities for things to go wrong.

You don’t choose your family either. People need to learn patience and grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I wouldn't choose to be friends with my in-laws either, if I just randomly met them.

My BIL texted my husband TODAY (four days before Tgiving) to tell us that everyone in his family is now vegetarian except him. Why are they just now telling us this? We've planned and bought everything for Tgiving already; I guess I'm headed back to the grocery story this week.

Nope. I assume you have a couple sides and bread. They can eat that or make a dish for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my MIL when I was 15. My husband snd I got married at 22. We are both 54. I have never had cross words with her. Not one time in all those years. She isn’t perfect. She makes me crazy sometimes. We live 3 miles from my in-laws so we see them a lot. I’m sure I do things that make her crazy as well. She is my husband’s mother. She is my children’s grandmother. I call her “mom” and she treats me like a daughter. She can be mean sometimes. She drinks more than she should. She has self-esteem issues, big time. But I love her. She is family.

I hope my DILs speak kindly about me. I’m not perfect either. I can be a little OCD and high strung. I’m sure I drive them nuts without meaning to. At first I loved them because they loved my boys. Now I love them because they are part of our family. And they are both pretty damn amazing.

The reason so many people have issues with their MIL is simple - It’s competition. Once you learn to drop your end of the rope, you’ll find things are much easier. I don’t need to be right all the time. Peace is more important.

AMEN

I’d rather be happy than right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think more women dislike their in laws more than the other way around. Guys have the ability to let things roll off their back.

-sign a woman

Guys have ROCK BOTTOM expectations about their new roles in a family, so it's pretty easy to let that incredibly low status of "attends function" or "is generally affable" be met.

Women often have to recalibrate a new generation to an entirely new way of doing things emotionally. So yeah, that causes problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s because — especially with MILs — when you’re child gets married you are moving into a new phase of life. You are no longer the center of a family. You could be someone’s grandmother. At least it was this in my case. My MIL retired, became a mother in law and a grandmother, felt her mortality and her importance slipping away and tried to claw it back by staging constant power trips and head to heads with me over things like: whether I was “allowed” to bring food to Thanksgiving and who my husband should spend his birthday with. Every single potential decision was a showdown. From what to eat at dinner to what MY HUSBAND AND I should name our child! If she “won” she reassured herself that she was still the mother, the center, and I was 26, resentful and angry and would push back. Twenty years later, I have embraced the gray rock and we get along fine now. But then again, we only see her 3/4 times a year when we used to live down the street.

I am so happy to be free of most decisions. I let my married kids, with little kids, make the plans. They always ask my input, but I always insist we do what works best for the group. I don’t care. I’m happy to be invited and I love my children’s spouses and my grandchildren. I get to do what I want all the time. I’m flexible when we do family dinners, trips, etc. It’s a relief not to stress over plans. Just let me know what time to be where.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s because — especially with MILs — when you’re child gets married you are moving into a new phase of life. You are no longer the center of a family. You could be someone’s grandmother. At least it was this in my case. My MIL retired, became a mother in law and a grandmother, felt her mortality and her importance slipping away and tried to claw it back by staging constant power trips and head to heads with me over things like: whether I was “allowed” to bring food to Thanksgiving and who my husband should spend his birthday with. Every single potential decision was a showdown. From what to eat at dinner to what MY HUSBAND AND I should name our child! If she “won” she reassured herself that she was still the mother, the center, and I was 26, resentful and angry and would push back. Twenty years later, I have embraced the gray rock and we get along fine now. But then again, we only see her 3/4 times a year when we used to live down the street.

I am so happy to be free of most decisions. I let my married kids, with little kids, make the plans. They always ask my input, but I always insist we do what works best for the group. I don’t care. I’m happy to be invited and I love my children’s spouses and my grandchildren. I get to do what I want all the time. I’m flexible when we do family dinners, trips, etc. It’s a relief not to stress over plans. Just let me know what time to be where.

My mother takes this approach (but maybe to another level), and it creates a lot of stress for me as the oldest sibling. We all have young kids now and if we want a family get together, I basically have to plan it, coordinate it, pay for it and often host it, and in some ways I feel like holding the family together has become my burden (and blessing). I wish my parents, who have much more time and resources than any of their kids, would take the lead in offering to plan family dinners or vacations. No one does this for DH's family and they've basically fallen apart. We see each other at weddings and or funerals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forced relationships with people we would never be interested in knowing or hanging out with. Luck of the draw.

This is accurate!

OP here. I agree with this. But I feel like that is only a partial answer. It is a crapshoot who you end up with as inlaws, but why does it seem that we get "bad" one much more than half the time? And our spouses were produced by these people, so unless you think who you are and how you parent has nothing to do with how your children turn out, it seems that we *should* get along with these people?

There has to be some underlying resentment or competition or something at play! Again, speaking in the aggregate, not about individual situations.

The people with difficult relationships talk about it MUCH MORE than people with neutral to positive relationships. Or even people who have "meh" relationships probably don't discuss much. But those of us who have to manage difficult family members every single holiday, birthday, summer vacation year after year are going to talk about it. Mine are difficult people, but not so bad we can cut them off or avoid much. Just enough to cause stress at very regular intervals.

[Anonymous]

Women manage their parents well. Men are TERRIBLE at managing their parents. DH rarely shuts down any bad ideas from MIL and I have to be the one to do it- "sorry no! We're actually out of town for that event". Then it looks like it's my fault. Or if we both see her giving the kids candy bars for breakfast, dh won't say anything. He never explains my side to his parents or reiterates what I want.

When my parents behave badly, I shut them down immediately. For instance my dad kept coming over and borrowing dh's tools constantly. Once I realized the issue, I put a stop to that. I told him he must text and ask us for the tools and they must be returned asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think more women dislike their in laws more than the other way around. Guys have the ability to let things roll off their back.

-sign a woman

Guys have ROCK BOTTOM expectations about their new roles in a family, so it's pretty easy to let that incredibly low status of "attends function" or "is generally affable" be met.

Women often have to recalibrate a new generation to an entirely new way of doing things emotionally. So yeah, that causes problems.

Truly. We also wind up having to educated our own families on these points, too. I think a lot of women are just at the ends of their ropes when it comes to family and the absolutely bonkers expectations on them as daughters, mothers, and wives, and so when their ILs get annoying it's just the last straw. But really it's everything leading up to that.

I will never forget how my ILs treated me after I had a baby. You'd think they'd have some gratitude or at least a little respect towards me since this was their first and only grandchild and my MIL had been lamenting having no grandchildren for years. But the whole time I was pregnant and then after the baby was born, I was treated as an inconvenience. They wanted the grandchild but could have cared less about the woman who brought that baby into the world. I'll never really forgive them for that. We get along fine, but they really showed me where I stand back then and... noted. But my own parents weren't much better. A lot of Boomers have absolutely grotesque expectations for women and are ready to blame any unhappiness in the world on the nearest woman, especially if she's a mom.

DILs are tired. That's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think more women dislike their in laws more than the other way around. Guys have the ability to let things roll off their back.

-sign a woman

Guys have ROCK BOTTOM expectations about their new roles in a family, so it's pretty easy to let that incredibly low status of "attends function" or "is generally affable" be met.

Women often have to recalibrate a new generation to an entirely new way of doing things emotionally. So yeah, that causes problems.

Truly. We also wind up having to educated our own families on these points, too. I think a lot of women are just at the ends of their ropes when it comes to family and the absolutely bonkers expectations on them as daughters, mothers, and wives, and so when their ILs get annoying it's just the last straw. But really it's everything leading up to that.

I will never forget how my ILs treated me after I had a baby. You'd think they'd have some gratitude or at least a little respect towards me since this was their first and only grandchild and my MIL had been lamenting having no grandchildren for years. But the whole time I was pregnant and then after the baby was born, I was treated as an inconvenience. They wanted the grandchild but could have cared less about the woman who brought that baby into the world. I'll never really forgive them for that. We get along fine, but they really showed me where I stand back then and... noted. But my own parents weren't much better. A lot of Boomers have absolutely grotesque expectations for women and are ready to blame any unhappiness in the world on the nearest woman, especially if she's a mom.

DILs are tired. That's all.

omg yes! I was very overdue and finally delivered at 42 weeks. From 37 weeks onward, they asked constantly if I could just have a csection to get the baby out quicker so they could see it already. wtf. Yes, please, just cut me open and get your grandchild out. It was dehumanizing. And then after birth they asked nonstop about my breastmilk supply and were worried the baby (who was a plump baby) wasn't getting enough. They even asked if I could go into another room to pump so they could give a bottle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s because — especially with MILs — when you’re child gets married you are moving into a new phase of life. You are no longer the center of a family. You could be someone’s grandmother. At least it was this in my case. My MIL retired, became a mother in law and a grandmother, felt her mortality and her importance slipping away and tried to claw it back by staging constant power trips and head to heads with me over things like: whether I was “allowed” to bring food to Thanksgiving and who my husband should spend his birthday with. Every single potential decision was a showdown. From what to eat at dinner to what MY HUSBAND AND I should name our child! If she “won” she reassured herself that she was still the mother, the center, and I was 26, resentful and angry and would push back. Twenty years later, I have embraced the gray rock and we get along fine now. But then again, we only see her 3/4 times a year when we used to live down the street.

I am so happy to be free of most decisions. I let my married kids, with little kids, make the plans. They always ask my input, but I always insist we do what works best for the group. I don’t care. I’m happy to be invited and I love my children’s spouses and my grandchildren. I get to do what I want all the time. I’m flexible when we do family dinners, trips, etc. It’s a relief not to stress over plans. Just let me know what time to be where.

My mother takes this approach (but maybe to another level), and it creates a lot of stress for me as the oldest sibling. We all have young kids now and if we want a family get together, I basically have to plan it, coordinate it, pay for it and often host it, and in some ways I feel like holding the family together has become my burden (and blessing). I wish my parents, who have much more time and resources than any of their kids, would take the lead in offering to plan family dinners or vacations. No one does this for DH's family and they've basically fallen apart. We see each other at weddings and or funerals.

No, I am not like your mother. I will help with planning and always pay more than my share. I just do not insist on making decisions. My children make plans together and I am included in the discussion. I am happy to get together, at my home or one of the kids. I know they have inlaws to consider too. I never make it financially hard on them….I will just foot the bill because I remember how it was raising young children and wanting to travel. I care for the grandkids for a week or more if my kids want an adult trip. I never insist they visit me on specific holidays. I can celebrate any day and sometimes we get together as a large group. I’m retired, so I try to make things easy if I can. I also mind my own business. I raised my kids, it’s now my kid’s chance to enjoy their family. If I am included, that’s fine. If not, that’s fine too. I have a life.

[Anonymous]

PP^^^^^

I do suggest family trips, help plan and offer to pay. I just work around my kid’s schedules and we divide up the work of planning. But my kids love to plan vacations, so I am ok with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forced relationships with people we would never be interested in knowing or hanging out with. Luck of the draw.

But isn't this true of blood family? And coworkers? And parents of kids' friends?

I agree that the forced closeness of it contributes. But it still seems like we are very much predisposed to let our ILs bother us more than most other people in our lives..

I have far more blood relatives who drive me crazy than in laws who do. In fact, truth be told, I would much rather spend time with my MIL than my mother. I like my mother but she can be difficult (not mean, just a little neurotic). MIL is so much more chill.

I don't think the majority of people have issues with their in-laws--I think it's just the vocal majority here. Plenty of people post about issues in their own families as well, not just in-laws.

I get that you can't choose your in-laws but you can choose not to marry someone because of the family. Dating is one thing but I think you have to consider the whole package when you marry someone, both the good and the bad. My grandmother had a disability that required a lot of attention and financial support from my parents and my dad knew this going into the marriage. But they did discuss it and my mother told him that if he wasn't up for it, she understood. And my father never, ever complained about helping her but it definitely did put a strain on their marriage. Not saying this is the same as a MIL just being annoying or overbearing but the point is, it's important to consider the family as well as the spouse when you are talking about a lifetime commitment. Saying you didn't get to choose your in-laws is not 100% accurate.

[Anonymous]

I got along with the mothers of almost all of my boyfriends, including my now husbands mom. However once we got married her attitude towards me changed. All of a sudden I was responsible for sending thank you notes for the wedding gifts, Christmas cards, any type of birthday card or anniversary. Keep in mind my husband did some of these before we got married and she never seems to fuss at him for the ones he missed. She started keeping score of how often we would spend with my family and start micromanaging all revisits and how we split up time for the holidays and other things. There was always a reason why we needed to do the holiday at at their house after we got married. Things like a long-lost cousin was visiting. Grandma's had a cold and she might not make it. They might be gone next year on a cruise so we have to come this year.. it never ended. . My husband finally told her we weren't doing this anymore and we were switching to every other she called me and yelled at me for about a half an hour listing about 50 things that I had done to slide her in the past. We're talkin about things like I didn't say hi to her first when we arrived at a family reunion, she didn't get as many wedding pictures with my husband as she would have liked. I mean it was bizarre.

I let her hash it out and said I'm sorry she feels that way but her recollection of facts seems to be a bit off and if she had any issues she could talk to my husband about them.

I actually quite like my father-in-law. He's quiet but super funny in a very dry sort of way. He doesn't fuss about much is laid-back easygoing Emily visit he seems genuinely happy to see us. She is the type that you have to be together 24/7 if you visit. Any attempt to break away is met with hostility and judgment. I do it anyway but this only deepens her disdain for me I am sure. She is just so suffocating to be around.

Now we visit occasionally and still do the every other holiday but if we miss one I'm not losing any sleep over it.

Could I do different things and change who I am to foster a better relationship with her.? I'm sure I could coerce my husband into US visiting more often than we do. I could not leave her side when we do visit and listen to the same story 5,000 times. I could let her chastise me for how I dress and how we are raising our children and just sit there and smile. But that's not who my husband married. He didn't marry someone who would sit by and pretend to be someone that they're not. It doesn't mean that I'm rude it just means I'm not going to change who I am just to have a better relationship with a woman who doesn't seem to like anything about me. Luckily I'm not married to her.

I'm not the daughter-in-law that she chose and she is stuck with me just as much as I am stuck with her. I don't bring a laundry list of everything I hate about her and try to get her to change every time I see her. She is who she is and she will say what she's going to say but I'm not going to go out of my way to become her best friend

[Anonymous]

I think 90% of in life issues can be solved by the husband taking a different approach with his parents.

My parents don't make an issue if my husband goes late takes a nap after dinner because I don't allow them to. My parents don't expect thank you notes from my husband because I handle correspondence with my side of the family. My parents don't get offended if my husband doesn't come with me every time I visit because I don't make an issue out of it and would shut it down if they ever tried to. I've treated my husband as an equal in this marriage every time I have presented an idea or decision that my husband and I have made. It has never been well my husband doesn't want to do this or my husband needs us to do that. It has always been this is what we have decided for our family. I think if husband stood up to their mom's more and created and enforced some personal boundaries everyone would get along a lot better.