Why do so many of us have issues with our ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One word - judgement

We feel judged by our in-laws. They also have a hard time separating from their children so they tend to interfere or try to control aspects of our life that don’t fit their needs or values.

I am judged by my parents, not my in-laws.

[Anonymous]

I think it's because by and large DCUM women are competitive, insecure, judgmental, selfish, and awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because you have to spend a lot of intimate moments with people you didn’t get to choose to spend that time with. You choose your spouse. You choose your friends. On some level, you choose what job you want and the co-workers that go with it.

But what you don’t get to choose is your in-laws. They’re basically these random people who after one ceremony become your family. They then spend time in your home during your vacation days. There are so many opportunities for things to go wrong.

Honestly you have less control or choice with your family of origin; you're more or less stuck with them. You DO have a choice with potential in-laws.

Hormones get in the way. Finding a guy with a big enough schlong to satisfy you, and one who has a good job or at least a career track. Or who is tall and flips your switch. If you're biologically wired to want children, nothing will stand in your way. Not crazy hoarder potential in-laws who live live in a doublewide with failure to launch thirtysomething offspring who just happen to be related to the man you want to couple up with and have children with. Even though it will mean you'll spend the next however many years whining about these crazy people on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

You are just thrown in with another family to navigate a lot of sensitive issues (child rearing, holidays, religion). It is a miracle it ever works well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my MIL when I was 15. My husband snd I got married at 22. We are both 54. I have never had cross words with her. Not one time in all those years. She isn’t perfect. She makes me crazy sometimes. We live 3 miles from my in-laws so we see them a lot. I’m sure I do things that make her crazy as well. She is my husband’s mother. She is my children’s grandmother. I call her “mom” and she treats me like a daughter. She can be mean sometimes. She drinks more than she should. She has self-esteem issues, big time. But I love her. She is family.

I hope my DILs speak kindly about me. I’m not perfect either. I can be a little OCD and high strung. I’m sure I drive them nuts without meaning to. At first I loved them because they loved my boys. Now I love them because they are part of our family. And they are both pretty damn amazing.

The reason so many people have issues with their MIL is simple - It’s competition. Once you learn to drop your end of the rope, you’ll find things are much easier. I don’t need to be right all the time. Peace is more important.

Your exception actually proves the point that others are making.You were literally a child when you met your mother in law, so many of her quirks and idiosyncrasies were normalized for you at a pretty early age. Most people (especially in this area) don’t meet their in-laws until they are well established as adults themselves so it can be much harder to embrace strangers as family and adapt to the “daughter law mentality” later in life when you are more set in your own ways.

[Anonymous]

I really underestimated how much time I’d have to spend with my ILs. And I was living with my DH for years before we got married. But you just cannot fathom what it means to marry into a family and have to see them regularly for the rest of your life. In my case, it doesn’t help that I intentionally distanced from my own family and only see them once a year, if that. But my ILs want us to visit every couple months. It feels like such an imposition. We only get so much vacation time and they expect us to dedicate so much if it to them, and then we go and they can’t even bother to be nice to us. They are rude and demanding and then in three weeks are like “are you coming here for [insert any possible excuse for a visit]?”

Also, my MIL was very possessive if my DD when she was born and it disturbed me. She claimed I was breastfeeding her “too much” in order to deprive my MIL of chances to hold her. She made nasty comments about me when I was just a few weeks post partum because she was jealous (she never had a girl). It got better but I never forgot how she treated me back then. That’s when I realized I wasn’t really a person to her. She us always surprised when I have feelings or basic needs like being tired or hungry. It annoys her.

[Anonymous]

I think this cohort in particular has it rough. Our MILs are the last generation of women who were supposed to suck up to their in-laws, were more financially dependent on our FILs so actually had to care what the ILs thought, and were expected to sweep conflict under the rug.

Enter a generation of women raised as equal/outperforming men and tell them this woman they didn’t choose as family gets to tell them what to bring for Thanksgiving and the will laugh themselves sick and tell MIL about boundaries, not smile and bring the green bean casserole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I wouldn't choose to be friends with my in-laws either, if I just randomly met them.

My BIL texted my husband TODAY (four days before Tgiving) to tell us that everyone in his family is now vegetarian except him. Why are they just now telling us this? We've planned and bought everything for Tgiving already; I guess I'm headed back to the grocery story this week.

How is this a big deal? Were you going to put meat in everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this cohort in particular has it rough. Our MILs are the last generation of women who were supposed to suck up to their in-laws, were more financially dependent on our FILs so actually had to care what the ILs thought, and were expected to sweep conflict under the rug.

Enter a generation of women raised as equal/outperforming men and tell them this woman they didn’t choose as family gets to tell them what to bring for Thanksgiving and the will laugh themselves sick and tell MIL about boundaries, not smile and bring the green bean casserole.

Uh no most people of every generation didn't have generational wealth lol

[Anonymous]

Women stand up for their husbands to their parents. I adore my parents, but they know Dh is #1. I make sure that any issues he has with my parents are addressed immediately. If he doesn’t like something they did, something they fed our kids or anything- I bring it up and address it with my parents. And I don’t say “Dh doesn’t like you feeding our kids mt dew for breakfast”- I say I don’t like it.

Dh never ever addresses anything with his parents. His parents are always sure it’s my fault. I’m always the bad DIL 24/7. It’s my fault they don’t see their grandkids much. (The truth is that Dh travels 3 weeks a month. My parents help me a ton while he’s gone- so clearly they get more kid access. In-laws have never once asked to help)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I wouldn't choose to be friends with my in-laws either, if I just randomly met them.

My BIL texted my husband TODAY (four days before Tgiving) to tell us that everyone in his family is now vegetarian except him. Why are they just now telling us this? We've planned and bought everything for Tgiving already; I guess I'm headed back to the grocery story this week.

How is this a big deal? Were you going to put meat in everything?

Np. Depending on what they eat- there’s butter in nearly everything. My brussel sprouts have bacon, my stuffing has sausage. On and on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this cohort in particular has it rough. Our MILs are the last generation of women who were supposed to suck up to their in-laws, were more financially dependent on our FILs so actually had to care what the ILs thought, and were expected to sweep conflict under the rug.

Enter a generation of women raised as equal/outperforming men and tell them this woman they didn’t choose as family gets to tell them what to bring for Thanksgiving and the will laugh themselves sick and tell MIL about boundaries, not smile and bring the green bean casserole.

Uh no most people of every generation didn't have generational wealth lol

But thr wage gap was even wider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this cohort in particular has it rough. Our MILs are the last generation of women who were supposed to suck up to their in-laws, were more financially dependent on our FILs so actually had to care what the ILs thought, and were expected to sweep conflict under the rug.

Enter a generation of women raised as equal/outperforming men and tell them this woman they didn’t choose as family gets to tell them what to bring for Thanksgiving and the will laugh themselves sick and tell MIL about boundaries, not smile and bring the green bean casserole.

Uh no most people of every generation didn't have generational wealth lol

But thr wage gap was even wider.

Which has nothing to do with FIL for middle class people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this cohort in particular has it rough. Our MILs are the last generation of women who were supposed to suck up to their in-laws, were more financially dependent on our FILs so actually had to care what the ILs thought, and were expected to sweep conflict under the rug.

Enter a generation of women raised as equal/outperforming men and tell them this woman they didn’t choose as family gets to tell them what to bring for Thanksgiving and the will laugh themselves sick and tell MIL about boundaries, not smile and bring the green bean casserole.

Uh no most people of every generation didn't have generational wealth lol

But thr wage gap was even wider.

Which has nothing to do with FIL for middle class people.

FIL is MIL’s husband. They were more dependent on their husbands than we are, which means they needed to impress their in-laws more than we do. Sorry that was unclear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One word - judgement

We feel judged by our in-laws. They also have a hard time separating from their children so they tend to interfere or try to control aspects of our life that don’t fit their needs or values.

The problem is these explanations don’t take into account that many families had sons and daughters. A controlling MIL and a supporting Mom? In a family with sons and daughters, we’re talking about the same woman.