Help me with techniques for addressing my MIL’s behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
You sound. Very sensitive to minor irritants.

. oP sounds normal to me …

Yeah plus she is nursing - Give her a freaking break …

I no was a nursing mother once too, did not make me be mean to other people.

She wasn’t being mean - she was anonymously expressing frustration … I would be frustrated in her shoes as well. Loved the post of the person who plies her critical in laws with food and drink and plops them by the fire … while
Cheerily nodding and ignoring the passive aggressive jabs …

Can you read?
HER DH CALLED HER OUT IN HER OBVIOUS IRRITATION!

What was that? Can’t hear you above the shouting !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don’t think any of this is that bad. Just tune her out.

This. OP, you have just described an old person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks, lots of good suggestions. I’m exhausted and I hate hosting company when I’m sleep deprived. I have no reserves left and then MIL comes and exhausts me further. I should add that on top of this My MIL also has a ton of food issues. She can’t cook to save her life and eats only organic, gluten free and dairy free and vegetarian which makes cooking meals when she’s here impossible. She also obsessively monitors what everyone else eats and is constantly asking me what the kids are eating. And then at mealtime she stares at and obsessively monitors what I and DH and the kids eat. And she refuses all alcohol and dessert and makes a big production about how “rich” the foods we eat are and they don’t agree with her and make her feel ill to eat. So Larla will say Grandma why don’t you eat meat? And we all have to eat a lecture about how bad meat is. And then Larla will say, have ice cream Grandma! And she will go on about how dairy is too rich and makes her feel ill. Maybe if I could have a glass of wine or some dessert or even dinner without her staring at me or peppering me endlessly (what’s Larla eating right now? At snack time for instance) and monitoring me because she clearly has some undiagnosed eating disorder I wouldn’t mind her presence so much. Or if she’d cook for herself and not expect us to cater to her insane diet. So I guess that just fuels my fire.

I'll get flamed for this but my IL's are such a PITA that my DH started pouring me wine in a coffee mug whenever they were starting to be a bit much and I couldn't get away. I know it sounds bad but it's a gesture that makes us laugh and the wine chills me out and I don't have to deal with their judgment that I'm having a glass at whatever hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother in law might be a candidate for a gift like storyworth. She obviously wants to talk about her family history more, stories from your husband’s childhood and about her dead relatives - maybe you should find a productive way for her to get those stories written down, or encourage your husband to video tape her when she starts telling the stories and archive them somewhere.

This is an excellent idea! I wish we had more videos and recordings of my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don’t think any of this is that bad. Just tune her out.

This. I also find it very telling that your husband thinks you are rude. You sound very meanspirited. I actually question if you could have ppd or something because your attitude is way off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL will be staying with us for a week for the holidays and I am totally dreading it. As I’ve gotten older and now that we have two kids and life is much more complicated, my tolerance for her is just at an all time low. There are some specific behaviors she has that drive me bonkers, and I need new techniques/responses for dealing with her. Specifically, here’s what I need ideas for:

-she tells me the same stories over and over about my partner as a child. We have been together 14 years and it’s not dementia - she just likes to tell the same stories to people over and over again that she thinks are endearing (they aren’t—just to her) and she expects me to be enthralled and act like I have never heard them before. When I try to interject politely, “oh yes, you’ve told us about how Larla dumped trucks in the toilet when he was 2,” or gently tease her, “I think I’ve heard this one quite a few times before, didn’t X happen next,” she doesn’t take the hint and keeps telling the same story.
Make a list of same old stories and put on a card. Use the BINGO card for yourself. If it fills up, give yourself a special treat.
-she is constantly talking about the past and all her deceased relatives and how the holidays were so much better when they were around. She resists any attempts I make to divert the topic, and my attempts to get her to stop sitting around lamenting the past and create new holiday memories (let’s go look at lights, let’s go to the zoo, etc) and rebuffed.
Stop waiting for her to join in. Just invite her. If she says no, then say “Oh well. I’m taking the kids out for a walk. See you in an hour.”

-I am nursing. Whenever my babies or toddlers get fussy, she tells me they need to nurse or will announce in a passive aggressive way, “I think Larla needs to
Nurse.” She nursed her kids on demand whenever they wanted or fussed about anything and I don’t do that and it frustrates me when she tries to dictate my nursing schedule.
“Perfect. That means it’s time for Mommy-Larla time. Madge, thanks for watching the kids while I take the baby.” Then leave the room and enjoy some quiet time away from here.

-she is very loud and can’t moderate her noises - she slams doors, toilet seats, etc. and walks around with heavy feet when the babies are napping and never seems to remember to be quiet, but when they wake up it’s my problem.
Not sure what to do about this. Remind yourself that she’s only there for a week.


-whenever DH or I express any frustration about anything (oh, Larla isn’t sleeping well or work is stressful or whatever) she always interrupts and says, “Oh I know.” I find it very rude and invalidating but I don’t know how to respond.
STOP SHARING! This is on you. For a week you can regulate yourself and keep your complaints/frustrations to yourself. Call a friend. Write in your journal. But stop trying to make conversation with her about this.

-she brings excessive amounts of gifts that often have tiny pieces, paint, glitter, or are duplicates of what we have. Then she insists on bringing them out and making a huge production of the kids opening them. If the kids don’t respond positively, she keeps trying to get them to play with her toys for the rest of her visit and keeps saying things like, did you see what I got Larla? It’s really so great. Etc.
It’s a week. You can manage this behavior. Stop judging her. She’s a grandparent and wants to feel like she’s doing something special for her grandchildren.”

-she doesn’t treat our home with care. At her last visit she insisted Larla make a collage with feathers and glitter paint she brought, and then immediately hung it up on the wall without letting it dry so the glitter paint ran down my walls and I had to clean it up. Her home is pretty sloppy but that is not how we keep our home and I was dumbfounded that an adult who had children would hang up a wet painting without letting it dry first.
Your husband needs to address this.

-she constantly tells me how my kids look like her dead relatives (eg oh Larla has great aunt Louise’s nose) and never says anything about how they resemble me or my side of the family. My DH has admitted he thinks this is a tic of hers because she is sad our kids strongly resemble me and my family, but I feel so weird when she’s constantly talking about my kids and their features, especially since these are dead people and my older kid gets sad hearing about people who are dead and then goes down rabbit holes about it, like Grandma are you sad your mom is dead? How did she die? Etc.
Let it go.

Thank you for any ideas for how to it would address this, my husband thinks I’m a horrible daughter in law because he says I don’t hide my irritation from
Her on these things very well.

This is good advice and not too preachy …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. I will add she always is guilting us about not seeing the grandkids more (she can’t afford to visit often because of poor financial decisions and failing to save for her retirement) and asking when we will move back to her area (despite us owning our home here). So I just feel very picked at whenever she arrives and whenever I try to
Broach different topics - current events, what’s going on with the kids, things to do in the neighborhood, etc - she retreats to all of the aforementioned topics. So I guess part of my frustration is we have the same visit, conversationally, that we have every time she comes. She has zero interest in doing new activities with the kids, exploring our area, or even getting out of the house for a walk.

Ugh, she’s socially quite awkward and clueless and rude. Is there any aspergers in the family? Is she divorced or widowed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First PP had great advice.

My late MIL was like this, too. Fairly clear she was neurodivergent in some way and was raised by a narcissist. Jury is out as to whether she was a narcissist herself or just had some maladaptive habits/tics (they call them "FLEAS") as a result of being raised by one. It wasn't dementia, and it wasn't old age-- she had always been this way.

Basically your MIL doesn't know and/or doesn't care about how her actions affect others, and/or those actions are compulsions that she can't/doesn't much help. (The wet painting thing is such a ND thing to me, in particular, but so is some of the perseverating... and just... a lot of the behaviors you describe. I have ADHD and a lot of relatives and ILs with ADHD and ASD, so this all terribly familiar.)

That these things are hardwired is good and bad news-- bad and frustrating in that those actions are unchangeable or very resistant to change, but good in the sense that you can stop trying to affect them. You are free! At least the responsibility is not yours, or your husband's, or anyone else's to *change* them. Communication can and should be largely shifted to your husband.

But I'd also recommend "gray rocking" or a lot of "mm hmms" rather than either responding in good faith or trying to shift the conversation much. Leave the room if you have to, and if it works, but don't try to move an immovable object.

It's really really hard sometimes to tune this stuff out, but I think the more you can do this-- maybe while you knit! that was my SIL's solution!-- the better. I'd only step in if it were crossing a parenting boundary in the sense of directly and negatively affecting my kid.

Very good advice here OP.

If MIL is neuroatypical she will keep lacking common sense and not having back and forth conversations. Ever. She likely developed some more negative coping mechanisms too over the decades to self protect from her confusion.

Detach from expecting normal behavior or responses from her. Diligently watch your child. Keep things simple and safe for your child if she is around. Good for your state of mind too. Don’t try to get more out of this, you’ll frustrate yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares if she says the kids look like her family?
Seriously!!
My kids favor their father and gets lots of comments about it. That does not negate my feelings or my contribution , who cares?
It’s a rabbit hole for a kid to ask if grandma is sad because her mom is dead?
Really?
You don’t talk about life and death and feelings with your kids??
What are people supposed to do around you, be still and pretend to be invisible???

Ha. My inlaws will also reach back to random long dead relatives to tell me that my DD looks just like them. Do you know who they have never said she looks "just like"? Me. Do you know who she looks incredibly similar to? ME. Almost every person to meet both of us has mentioned it. The only people to NOT mention it, are my inlaws. They will find any resemblance to her cousin on that side or to grandma or to ANYONE who is NOT ME. Even though she looks just like me! Acts just like me! IS MY MINI-ME!

So yeah at some point it gets ridiculous. I totally get that people "see what they know". But after years of what seems like a willful slight, it gets way more irritating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
You sound. Very sensitive to minor irritants.

. oP sounds normal to me …

Yeah plus she is nursing - Give her a freaking break …

I no was a nursing mother once too, did not make me be mean to other people.

She wasn’t being mean - she was anonymously expressing frustration … I would be frustrated in her shoes as well. Loved the post of the person who plies her critical in laws with food and drink and plops them by the fire … while
Cheerily nodding and ignoring the passive aggressive jabs …

DP. But it's not just anonymous frustration, because her husband has said some very strongly worded opinions on her behavior. If OP had not talked about what her husband said, I would agree with you. But it is clear from the fact her husband has talked about it that OP is in fact being mean.

How many men do you know that would say something like what OP reported to their nursing wife? It would only happen if the wife's behavior was egregious. For her DH to get to the point of saying something, her behavior must be pretty awful.

To be honest, her husband sounds like a dick.

He has no patience to deal with his own mother’s annoying habits but wants his wife to do it with a smile? Oh, and while she’s nursing and getting no sleep too. He’s either being willfully clueless or he’s completely apathetic about adding even more on his wife’s already full plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
You sound. Very sensitive to minor irritants.

. oP sounds normal to me …

Yeah plus she is nursing - Give her a freaking break …

I no was a nursing mother once too, did not make me be mean to other people.

She wasn’t being mean - she was anonymously expressing frustration … I would be frustrated in her shoes as well. Loved the post of the person who plies her critical in laws with food and drink and plops them by the fire … while
Cheerily nodding and ignoring the passive aggressive jabs …

DP. But it's not just anonymous frustration, because her husband has said some very strongly worded opinions on her behavior. If OP had not talked about what her husband said, I would agree with you. But it is clear from the fact her husband has talked about it that OP is in fact being mean.

How many men do you know that would say something like what OP reported to their nursing wife? It would only happen if the wife's behavior was egregious. For her DH to get to the point of saying something, her behavior must be pretty awful.

Plus this 1000

To be honest, her husband sounds like a dick.

He has no patience to deal with his own mother’s annoying habits but wants his wife to do it with a smile? Oh, and while she’s nursing and getting no sleep too. He’s either being willfully clueless or he’s completely apathetic about adding even more on his wife’s already full plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
You sound. Very sensitive to minor irritants.

. oP sounds normal to me …

Yeah plus she is nursing - Give her a freaking break …

I no was a nursing mother once too, did not make me be mean to other people.

She wasn’t being mean - she was anonymously expressing frustration … I would be frustrated in her shoes as well. Loved the post of the person who plies her critical in laws with food and drink and plops them by the fire … while
Cheerily nodding and ignoring the passive aggressive jabs …

DP. But it's not just anonymous frustration, because her husband has said some very strongly worded opinions on her behavior. If OP had not talked about what her husband said, I would agree with you. But it is clear from the fact her husband has talked about it that OP is in fact being mean.

How many men do you know that would say something like what OP reported to their nursing wife? It would only happen if the wife's behavior was egregious. For her DH to get to the point of saying something, her behavior must be pretty awful.

Plus this 1000

To be honest, her husband sounds like a dick.

He has no patience to deal with his own mother’s annoying habits but wants his wife to do it with a smile? Oh, and while she’s nursing and getting no sleep too. He’s either being willfully clueless or he’s completely apathetic about adding even more on his wife’s already full plate.

I meant plus this 1,000,000

Clueless MIL raised clueless husband … they are probably
Both well meaning though …


Whoever wrote the neuro atypical advice sounded very sensible …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL will be staying with us for a week for the holidays and I am totally dreading it. As I’ve gotten older and now that we have two kids and life is much more complicated, my tolerance for her is just at an all time low. There are some specific behaviors she has that drive me bonkers, and I need new techniques/responses for dealing with her. Specifically, here’s what I need ideas for:

-she tells me the same stories over and over about my partner as a child. We have been together 14 years and it’s not dementia - she just likes to tell the same stories to people over and over again that she thinks are endearing (they aren’t—just to her) and she expects me to be enthralled and act like I have never heard them before. When I try to interject politely, “oh yes, you’ve told us about how Larla dumped trucks in the toilet when he was 2,” or gently tease her, “I think I’ve heard this one quite a few times before, didn’t X happen next,” she doesn’t take the hint and keeps telling the same story.

-she is constantly talking about the past and all her deceased relatives and how the holidays were so much better when they were around. She resists any attempts I make to divert the topic, and my attempts to get her to stop sitting around lamenting the past and create new holiday memories (let’s go look at lights, let’s go to the zoo, etc) and rebuffed.

-I am nursing. Whenever my babies or toddlers get fussy, she tells me they need to nurse or will announce in a passive aggressive way, “I think Larla needs to
Nurse.” She nursed her kids on demand whenever they wanted or fussed about anything and I don’t do that and it frustrates me when she tries to dictate my nursing schedule.

-she is very loud and can’t moderate her noises - she slams doors, toilet seats, etc. and walks around with heavy feet when the babies are napping and never seems to remember to be quiet, but when they wake up it’s my problem.

-whenever DH or I express any frustration about anything (oh, Larla isn’t sleeping well or work is stressful or whatever) she always interrupts and says, “Oh I know.” I find it very rude and invalidating but I don’t know how to respond.

-she brings excessive amounts of gifts that often have tiny pieces, paint, glitter, or are duplicates of what we have. Then she insists on bringing them out and making a huge production of the kids opening them. If the kids don’t respond positively, she keeps trying to get them to play with her toys for the rest of her visit and keeps saying things like, did you see what I got Larla? It’s really so great. Etc.

-she doesn’t treat our home with care. At her last visit she insisted Larla make a collage with feathers and glitter paint she brought, and then immediately hung it up on the wall without letting it dry so the glitter paint ran down my walls and I had to clean it up. Her home is pretty sloppy but that is not how we keep our home and I was dumbfounded that an adult who had children would hang up a wet painting without letting it dry first.

-she constantly tells me how my kids look like her dead relatives (eg oh Larla has great aunt Louise’s nose) and never says anything about how they resemble me or my side of the family. My DH has admitted he thinks this is a tic of hers because she is sad our kids strongly resemble me and my family, but I feel so weird when she’s constantly talking about my kids and their features, especially since these are dead people and my older kid gets sad hearing about people who are dead and then goes down rabbit holes about it, like Grandma are you sad your mom is dead? How did she die? Etc.

Thank you for any ideas for how to it would address this, my husband thinks I’m a horrible daughter in law because he says I don’t hide my irritation from
Her on these things very well.

I actually feel sorry for your mother-in-law. I opened this post expecting to try to write a few things to help you cope with someone who might be difficult, but I think the difficult one is you. You sound rigid, uptight, uncaring, and generally like a self-centered cow. This just makes me realize I need to be tolerant and nice to my aging relative, let them tell their stories, reminisce, and just clean up the glitter. WTF cares, we all just want to be treated with kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
You sound. Very sensitive to minor irritants.

. oP sounds normal to me …

Yeah plus she is nursing - Give her a freaking break …

I no was a nursing mother once too, did not make me be mean to other people.

She wasn’t being mean - she was anonymously expressing frustration … I would be frustrated in her shoes as well. Loved the post of the person who plies her critical in laws with food and drink and plops them by the fire … while
Cheerily nodding and ignoring the passive aggressive jabs …

DP. But it's not just anonymous frustration, because her husband has said some very strongly worded opinions on her behavior. If OP had not talked about what her husband said, I would agree with you. But it is clear from the fact her husband has talked about it that OP is in fact being mean.

How many men do you know that would say something like what OP reported to their nursing wife? It would only happen if the wife's behavior was egregious. For her DH to get to the point of saying something, her behavior must be pretty awful.

To be honest, her husband sounds like a dick.

He has no patience to deal with his own mother’s annoying habits but wants his wife to do it with a smile? Oh, and while she’s nursing and getting no sleep too. He’s either being willfully clueless or he’s completely apathetic about adding even more on his wife’s already full plate.

You are really, really stretching here to get to her DH sounds like a dick.

My guess is that her DH is pretty worried about what he is learning about his wife.

[Anonymous]

Well, Op married that clueless DH raised by the clueless MIL, so the blame is on her. If she was better quality gal, she would have married better quality man. Hopefully op will not procreate and have clueless kids. Genetics of dumb people are very strong.